Abed quotes from Community

Pierce

Cast Shape Change on Ducayne.

Abed

What shape do you choose for him?

Pierce

Faaaaaaaaaaaat.

Shirley

Pierce, stop it!

Jeff

Pierce!

Abed

Ducayne starts gaining weight. How much?

Pierce

Make him as fat as Fat Neil.

Jeff

Pierce!

Pierce

Oh, right, cry. Let it out. Baste your chubby cheeks in tears of gravy. You weren't crying when you were stealing my friends!

Abed

Mariah, my name is Abed Nadir. [indicating Troy] My associate, Troy Barnes.

Charmed, I'm sure.

Are you the guys who keep staring at me and intermittently yelling out "books"?

The very same. We're both interested in taking you to the Valentine's dance, but we are also best friends with each other.

Abed

It is of the utmost importance we protect that friendship from the stresses of courting you, so we're trying to be as direct and above-board about this as possible.

Will you go to the dance with one of us, and if so, which one?

We need to get something straight first: this is the cutest thing that's ever happened to me. [Abed and Troy high-five each other without taking their eyes off Mariah] But I don't know either one of you.

Abed

Give us a moment. [he and Troy confer in whispers] New proposal: get to know us at the dance and decide there which of us you'd like to see again.

Okay, deal.

Abed

Yesss.

[indicating what Troy is carrying] What's in the briefcase?

Oh, tacos. You want one?

No.

Great, we really wanted them.

Abed

Yeah, we're gonna eat them.

Abed

Hey, maybe if we're too loud she'll shush us.

Abed

[loudly] Books!

[to Abed] Pretend like you're asleep.

[Inspects Abed's backpack] He's clean. Although I should probably warn you about this bootleg copy of The Last Airbender.

Abed

Where were you a week ago?

Annie

We're electing the students' president. I'm gonna run! I have so many ideas for improving this school!

Jeff

Improving Greendale takes more than ideas, Annie. It takes time, gasoline, matches...

Abed

Hmmm, nice. [makes a notch on the side of the table, under a writing that reads "Classic Wingers"]

Annie

Well, newsflash Jeff, some of us care about more than fixing our hair and sculpting our abs.

Jeff

Wow, you got me pegged. [makes a notch on the side of the table, under a writing that reads "Ab mentions"]

Britta

Democracy, what a ruse. There's no such thing as a system in which the masses hold any-

Jeff

[interrupting] Everybody wants you to shut up!

Britta

And yet I won't. Case in point.

[Inspects Abed's backpack] He's clean. Although I could issue a warning for this bootleg copy of The Last Airbender.

Abed

Where were you a week ago?

Abed

Where to begin... I probably mentioned in the past my fondness for a TV program called Cougar Town.

Jeff

Here and there.

Abed

I even started a Cougar Town fan club on Facebook, not to accomplish anything mind you, simply to express my love for the show. Well, it ended up being quite large, this fan club, and one morning, I think it was in early March, I got this Facebook message--a very nice message--from the people who make Cougar Town.

Jeff

Looking for work?

Abed

[Laughs] No, thanking me, Jeff, you know, for all the support I generated for the show, and in the last paragraph they said, "If you'd like, you could come visit the set." Just like that.

Jeff

Wow, that's cool of them. I guess that kind of makes them the Pulp Fiction of people. Man, how great was that movie?

Abed

So I sold a few of my action figures and I bought a round trip ticket to Los Angeles.

Jeff

Wait, what? You went? When?

Abed

Over spring break. What could I do? Two days after I got that invitation, I was on the set of Cougar Town, Jeff. [Whispers] Cougar Town.

Jeff

Look, if you want me to take it seriously, stop saying its name.

Abed

You laugh, Jeff, but the people were wonderful. You know, not just the actors, but the crew, everyone. There must have been two hundred people, each with a specific function, but all dedicated to a single purpose. It was like a village, or like... a living thing. And I'm talking to the director and he says, "Well, why don't you jump into the background?" I say, "Now wait a minute, jump into the background of what exactly?" And he says, "Jump into the background of this scene. Walk through it. Walk through Cougar Town!" Well, before I could react, this girl takes me by the hand, and she stands me behind this patio where Courtney Cox and the actors are doing their scene, and the girl says, "Now when you hear action, I want you to walk from here to there." That's when I really started to panic, Jeff, because if I'm a person who watches Cougar Town, how could I be in Cougar Town? And the more I start thinking about it, the less any of it makes sense at all. And I just want to turn and run, but it's too late, because the director is calling "Action!" So, before I take my first step, I realize that I have to stop being someone who has ever seen the show, and become a character on the show. Become a man from Cougar Town. You know, someone born there, someone whose name I decide is Chad. And I take my first step as a child learning to walk--as Chad--and with each step it becomes easier, and with each step I start remembering things from Chad's life, like his first kiss under the big tree at Cougar Town field, playing soccer at Cougar Town Junior High, finding my first chest hair in the shower, my first apartment, my first true love falling for my best friend. Birthdays, weddings, car crashes, taxes. Playing charades at Thanksgiving. Chad had lived, Jeff. Chad had lived more than Abed. Then they called, "Cut." And the scene was over, but I wasn't ready to stop being Chad, so I said to the director, "Can I have one more take?" But they were already moving on--Courtney had nailed it. My lips started trembling, my hands and my feet went numb, my knees buckled, and as I fell to the floor... [pauses] I pooped my pants.

Jeff

Conversation was invented by humans to conceal reality. We use it to sweet-talk our way around natural selection. You know who has real conversations? Ants. They talk by vomiting chemicals into each other's mouths. They get right down to brass tracks. Bleh! "Which way's the picnic?" Bleh! "That way." Humans are more evolved. We lie.

Abed

Not all the time.

Jeff

That's a lie.

Abed

We don't lie when we're alone.

Jeff

Biggest lie ever. Nine out of ten lies occur six inches away from the bathroom mirror. We do most of our lying alone.

Abed

How is it even possible to lie when you are alone?

Jeff

You can call a phone sex line. That's lying to yourself.

Abed

No, that's just being honest with a stranger about being lonely.

Jeff

What if you're dishonest about why you're lonely? What if you're a good-looking guy who calls a phone sex line and tells them he weighs 400 pounds, just so he can hear a woman say she's attracted to him anyway?

Abed

Well, I don't believe that happens.

Jeff

Wrong. That's me! I did that last week.

Abed

But why would you pay a woman on the phone to think you're fat?

Jeff

Because I'm scared that if I were overweight that no one would like me. God, that feels good to admit! Abed, the point being... [puts his constantly-buzzing phone into his drink] The point being, you don't have to worry about being normal, or real, or whatever this is tonight. The world is a sick place, full of sick, sick people.

Jeff

The show's going to last three weeks!

Abed

Six seasons and a movie!

Professor Duncan, you are such a great teacher when you're drinking.

Thank you, Daryl.

Abed

It's Troy.

Hey, if the man wants to give "Daryl" an A, let him do it.

Jeff

We're gonna fly to school each morning,We're gonna smile the entire time.

Britta

We're gonna be more happy,We're gonna finally be fine!

Abed

We're gonna get more calm and normal,

We're gonna fix our state of mind!

Annie

We're gonna be less crazy,

We're gonna finally be fine!

Shirley

We're gonna stand holding hands in a brand new land,Far away from the borderline!

Dean

We're gonna seem like a mainstream dream,

And be appealing to all mankiiiiiind!

We're gonna have more fun and be less weirdThan the first two years combined!And we're gonna live forever!

And we're gonna sleep together!

And we're gonna finallyBe sunny and shinilyWe're gonna finally be fine!

Abed

Uhmm...

Britta, why did everyone on Cougarton Abbey just die?

Britta

They only ran six episodes. That's the great thing about British TV - they give you closure!

Shirley

Ohh!

No, no, no! We'll find you a new favorite show! We'll find you a new favorite show! C'mon, buddy! [to Britta] You are human tennis elbow. You are a pizza burn on the roof of the world's mouth. You are the opposite of Batman!

Abed

I don't think you should. Chaos already dominates enough of our lives. The universe is an endless raging sea of randomness. Our job isn't to fight it, but to weather it together, on the raft of life. A raft held together by those few, rare, beautiful things that we know to be predictable.

Britta

Ropes. Vines. Vines? Let him finish!

Abed

Us. It won't matter what happens to us as long as we stay honest and accepting of each other's flaws and virtues. Annie will always be driven, Shirley will always be giving, Pierce will never apologize, Britta's sort of a wildcard from my perspective, and Jeff will forever remain a conniving son of a bitch.

Shirley

Abed!

Abed

There's 6 sides to this die, and 7 of us. He devised a system by which he never has to get the pizza.

Annie

Jeff! You crafty jackrabbit!

Really? Dang, man!

Pierce

Pretty low, dude. It's called "friendship"; look it up. Encarta it!

I think we just found our pizza getter.

Jeff

What's so funny?

Annie

Karma!

That guy sucks harder than the toilet of an airplane bathroom.

Pierce

Airplane bathroom...

Shirley

Oh, my pies!

Britta

[singing] Roxanne!

[singing] You don't have to put on that red light!

Annie

[to Abed] I really love your place!

Abed

You should move here.

Jeff

You see what happens when I leave you guys alone?

Shirley

[in the study room of the "Darkest timeline"] To Pierce. May he rest in Pierce. [Chuckles as she pours some wine on Pierce's empty chair]

Britta

Shirley, don't you think you've had enough?

Shirley

Of you.

Abed

Guys, I've been thinking about that night over and over, and one thing has become clear: this is the darkest and most terrible timeline.

Britta

Enough with the timeline crap, Abed! Pierce got shot in the leg and died, Shirley is a drunk, Annie is locked in a mental ward because her guilt drove her insane, Jeff lost an arm in the fire, Troy lost his larynx because for some dumb reason he tried to destroy a flaming troll doll by eating it!

[speaking through a device connected to his throat] Clearly you don't understand anything about defeating trolls.

Britta

Life has gone to hell, Abed! This is real! Look at us, look at me!

Jeff

Britta, you put one wash-away blue streak in your hair, and I lost an arm.

Britta

Exactly! Life got dark.

Abed

All because Jeff rolled a one.

Jeff

Oh, I love how this is my fault somehow.

Abed

It's mine. I've run through that night over and over in my head and I keep coming back to one thought: I should've caught the die and not let you roll it. I failed to do that and we all suffered for it. But I'm gonna make it up to you. [gives everyone in the study group a black piece of felt]

Jeff

What is this?

Abed

Of all the timelines, this is clearly the darkest; which is why I propose we commit to being evil. I've made ourselves black goatees out of felt; I suggest you put 'em on until you're able to grow your own. [puts his felt goatee on] From now on, I'm Evil Abed. We're the Evil Study Group, and we have but one evil goal: return somehow to the prime timeline - the one that I stopped you from rolling that die - then we destroy the good versions of ourselves, and reclaim our proper lives.

[visibly angry] Evil Abed, as Evil Jeff, am I allowed to pull fewer punches with you?

Certainly.

I hate you! Shut up with your sci-fi crap! I've lost my damn arm, and you're making fake beards!

Goatees.

[singing] Evil Troy and Evil Abed!

Abed

Here we are, a log cabin I rented so we could be intimate in safety because it's not the fifties so we don't have to park our car and neck at expression point.

Britta

That makes sense, I'm turned on by how logical you are.