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116 QUOTES

A character in Community

Abed quotes from Community

Played by Danny Pudi · 116 quotes · page 4 of 8

Abed

Played by Danny Pudi

Community · 389 quotes

2nd most-quoted character in Community: in 116 of its 389 quotes
Most scenes with: Jeff (49), Troy (41), Britta (31)

Scenes with Abed 106

[Annie, Troy, and Abed are about to break into an office]

Annie, go back and keep lookout.

Wait, why me lookout; why not you guys?

'Cause if someone comes up here Kanye and Kumar get taken to jail; you get taken to dinner.

[flouncing energetically] You guys! I'm the smartest one in this group and all I've been used for is bait and distraction! [notices that the others are looking at her chest] Ugh! Go on your stupid mission; I hope it sucks. [leaves]

What did she say?

Abed

I don't know.

All I heard was "suck".

Abed

[about the new space simulator] Once we clean it, can we go inside?

No. That is a job for some upstanding students, who are training right now in the simulator simulator.

[sitting in a cardboard box] Great job on this. Hard to believe I'm not really not really in space.

That's my jacket! My jacket, you're stretching it! You're stretching it-!

Go back, go back, go back!

Abed

Don't stop. Keep going.

Move, move!

Abed

Now drop down, drop down! To the gate, to the gate! Go!

I'm not going without you.

Abed

[to Troy] Make me proud. Be the first black man to make it to the end. Go, go, go!

Abed! ...I love you.

Abed

I know. Make it fast.

NOOOOOOO!

I can't believe that somebody would mass-roofie an entire party.

I can't believe it wasn't me.

I can't believe I believe you. And I don't.

Wanna watch a movie?

Abed

Sure. Aliens, cyborgs or zombies?

I don't know why, but I'm kind of over zombies.

Abed

Yeah, I don't feel like anything action-heavy. How about something light?

You seen Marmaduke?

Abed

No. Cool, cool, cool.

GTGeorge Takei

And so, Troy and Abed went back to the dormitory for a viewing of Marmaduke. I'm George Takei. And if your name is Kevin, here's a little freebie for your cell phone. Hi, Kevin can't come to the phone. He's on a spaceship with me, George Takei. Please leave a message. You're welcome, Kevins. Happy Halloween.

[to Abed, about his skill at insulting people] You're really good at it. You're like a machine!

Abed

Like RoboCop?

Exactly like Rowboat Cop. Sharice is a bad rowboat. Sink her.

S2 E7 Aerodynamics of Gender
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[looking in notebook] Abed, why is my name in here?

Abed

That's mine.

And Shirley's and Annie's?

What is it?

Charts. Some kind of calendar?

Abed

That's my personal private business.

[reading] "Annie: 4 on, 28 off, next, November 10th. Britta: 5 on, 27 off..." Oh, my God, are you charting our menstrual cycles?

What?! Gross!

Abed, this is so personal! And so accurate.

Abed, this is really creepy. I don't understand why you would do this.

Abed

I can explain. [Pause] Oh, I thought you'd keep yelling over me. Okay, I can explain. You know I have trouble reading people, and I say the wrong things, sometimes, and I noticed it was happening more often with you three than it was with the others. And then I noticed fluctuating patterns, and I started graphing them, and by the time I realized what I was actually measuring, it had started to yield really positive results for everybody, so I kept doing it.

. . .

Abed

Okay, if I could just take this time to share a few words of sarcasm with whoever it is that took this pen. I want to say thank you for doing this to me. For a while I thought I'd had to suffer through a puppy parade, but I much prefer being entombed alive in a mausoleum of feelings I can neither understand nor reciprocate. So whoever you are, can I get you anything? Ice cream? Best friend medal? Anything? Mmm-mmmm? Okay, sarcasm over.

SGStudy Group

[Singing] To you!

That was weird, how come we only sang the last two words? What happened to the happy birthday part?

You know Troy's a Jehovah's Witness, he doesn't celebrate birthdays.

Abed

Annie and I did our best to keep the language on the cake compliant.

[Reading the message written on his birthday cake] Hello during a random dessert, the month and day of which coincide numerically with your expulsion from a uterus.

S2 E10 Mixology Certification
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Abed

[opens a Christmas gift marked "Meaning of Christmas"] It's the first season of Lost on DVD.

That's the meaning of Christmas?

Abed

No. It's a metaphor. It represents lack of pay-off.

. . .

Abed

I get it. The meaning of Christmas is the idea that Christmas has meaning. And it can be whatever we want. For me, it used to mean being with my mom. Now it means being with you guys. Thanks, Lost.

S2 E11 Abed's Uncontrollable Christmas
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It's not like I'm seeing anyone. There's just a guy...

Abed

A guy that goes to Greendale? Is it the Russian guy that looks like a short Johnny Depp?

It doesn't matter.

Is it the guy who looks a little like Vince Vaughn but smells a lot like fish?

. . .

Abed

Is it the guy who looks like Anderson Cooper but with the soul patch and the ponytail?

No.

Is it Black Michael Chiklis?

No.

The white George Foreman?

You guys are talking about the same person: he's biracial, his name is David, and he's a human being.

. . .

Is it Fat Neil?

Abed

Bluestreak?

Optimus Prime?

Okay, even I know some of these are Transformers.

. . .

Is it Jean-Claude Van Overbite?

Abed

We should really start learning people's names.

I agree with brown Jamie Lee Curtis.

S2 E12 Asian Population Studies
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What's this? What's going on?

Abed

It's a mixer.

Well why's everyone from Anthro class here? Are you guys picking a new study group member--and you didn't invite me?

Abed

We didn't know how to reach you.

What are you talking about? I'm everywhere.

Abed

We didn't know how to reach you.

That's not true. That's a lie.

Abed

[twitching] It's a mixer. We didn't know how to reach you. It's a mixer. It's a mixer. It's a mixer. It's a mixer. It's a mixer.

[Chang backs away]

Abed

Works every time.

S2 E12 Asian Population Studies
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Abed

An arrow flies through the air over Brutalitops. Goblins are running toward you from the treeline wielding daggers.

I attack them using my... additional notes.

Abed

It has no effect. Britta?

I wanna know why these goblins are attacking us. Maybe these woods are their rightful land, and from their perspective-

[everyone else groans]

You are the AT&T of people.

[Pierce forces his way into the game]

Abed

As the goblins retreat, you notice a naked sixty-seven year old man with no weapons lying in the grass shivering. His name is...

Pierce Hawthorne and I'm sixty-six, dick.

Abed

In about thirteen turns, he will die of exposure. Jeff?

I wait fourteen turns.

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