Abed quotes from Community

There are a couple of things we're hoping you'll help us with.

Abed

Yes. Like where does the water go in the iron?

And what's the iron for?

Abed

And what gets out Kool-Aid stains?

We already know the opposite color Kool-Aid doesn't work.

Annie

The Dean had his seventh epiphany today, which has given me an epiphany of my own: the Dean is a genius. He has to be. If he isn't, then I've given almost two weeks of life to an idiot; that is unacceptable. Therefore, the Dean is a genius, and I will die protecting his vision.

Abed

Are you by any chance familiar with Stockholm syndrome?

Annie

Is it something that the Dean created? Because if not, I don't care.

Jeff

Pierce mistook me for the Dean today.

Abed

How did that make you feel?

Jeff

I've become a stranger to myself. I'm bald now. I've always been bald. I merely dreamt of having hair, and now, the bald man is awake.

Annie

Wow. They found a way to make the Human Being even creepier - covering him in icicles.

Shirley

I think it's festive.

Jeff

Yeah, my favorite Christmas tradition is trimming the Hellraiser.

Abed

Guys, I found something we can watch together for Christmas this year. The long-lost 1981 Inspector Spacetime Holiday Special. Run time two and half hours, and so critically reviled that after it aired, the creator had his knighthood revoked.

That sounds terrible. I want to watch it twice, but I'm spending Christmas with my relatives. Or rather, I'm spending the day with my relatives while they refuse to acknowledge Christmas.

Shirley

You Jehovah's Witnesses - so severe. Andre and I will be spending Christmas giving gifts to the more persuadable of our Jewish friends.

Annie

I wouldn't call an unannounced visit from your pastor "a gift." And don't bother this year, I'll be at the movies with my bubbe.

You're not taking both of them?

Annie

Well, one's dead.

What?!

Abed

I was looking forward to hanging out with you guys this Christmas. This semester has been so long and dark and angry. I was thinking we could have some light-hearted fun as a family.

Jeff

I think what we've learned, Abed, is that attempts to make the holidays brighter tend to give them a certain darkness.

Shirley

Oh, I don't know if I agree with that.

[singing] Deck the halls with boughs of holly

Shirley

...Actually, maybe I do.

[singing] Tis the season to be jolly

Merry Christmas, Greendale! Glee Club here, reminding you that our Christmas pageant is coming! Next stop, regionals!

Pierce

What the hell are regionals? They never stop talking about it.

[singing] Deck~

Please tell me we were not this obnoxious the year we filled in for them.

Annie

T-minus 5 seconds until the hip-hop remix. 4, 3…

[rapping] Come on!

Britta

You’re awfully quiet, Jeff. No one hates glee club more than you do.

Jeff

Today, I’m just content to sit back and enjoy the show.

And now, our pop music mashup…

…Elton Little John Lennon!

Hit it!

[rapping] Hey, tiny dancer!

[rapping] OKAY-!

Stop! Cease…and desist.

Jeff

Glee club, meet ASCAP, protecting musical copyright since 1914. It appears they have received an anonymous tip that unlicensed material has been performed here without the artist’s permission. Merry Christmas, everyone. Glee club just became history club.

Guys, I am swelling with pride! You stepped up, and you saved the Christmas pageant!

Jeff

And it's all thanks to you, Mr. Rad! I just hope we can repay you by making regionals!

Pierce

I thought this was regionals. Don't let my confusion undercut the importance.

Places, everyone!

I could not have done this without your recruiting skills, Abed.

Abed

I was happy to do it. For a while there, I thought we were gonna end the semester on a really dark note. I'm glad we're singing and dancing together instead. This has been a good time.

And it's going to continue to be a good time! If we win regionals, then it's straight on to sectionals! And then a week later is semis, then semi-regionals, then regional-semis, then national lower-zone semis!

Abed

Oh. But I kinda thought this was...you know, just for Christmas.

No, no, no! This is forever. This is what we do now. This is who we are.

Abed

Britta.

Britta

Is this about regionals?

Abed

I just talked to Cory, and he needs you to be the Mouse King instead of me.

Britta

Me? But I'm supposed to be a mute tree.

Abed

It's an emergency.

Abed

This will help us get to regionals.

Britta

I knew it! Wait, where are the lyrics?

Abed

They're in your heart, Britta.

Britta

Right! Duh-doi!

[singing] We are everyone

Britta

[singing terribly] Christmas tiiiiiime!

Dean Pelton

Oh, Britta's in this?

Annie

Holy crap! Britta, you're really good at this!

Britta

[sadly] I know.

Annie

What's wrong with you?

Britta

This may shock you, Annie, but I come from a long line of wives and mothers.

Annie

Many do.

Britta

But I ran away from it my whole life. I refused to give Santa a Christmas list, because I didn't want to depend on any man for anything! And now, look at me! I'm Betty Crocker! I'm Martha Stewart! I'm one of the Steppenwolf wives! Ohh, God... [to Abed] I'm gonna make some man very happy someday...

Abed

Ooh, easy.

Slow down.

Annie

What's with you guys?

We de-whimsified ourselves.

Abed

We're normal now.

Annie

Oh. Good?

Hey, anyone seen Shirley?

Abed

What? Shirley late to the rehearsal? Oh my.

Hey, man. You don't have to be sarcastic.

Abed

I'm not being sarcastic.

We're heavily invested in your situation. Nothing's more important to us than your second wedding's rehearsal going smoothly.

...Walk away, man.

Annie

[to Jeff] Hey! Did you think of a toast?

Jeff

Well, yeah. Uh, I had a drink, and I looked into my heart, and here's what I got so far. "Webster's Dictionary defines"-

Annie

Stop, stop! "Webster's Dictionary defines"? That's the Jim Belushi of speech openings! It accomplishes nothing, but everyone keeps using it and nobody knows why!

Jeff

Yeah, well, it's all I got! That took me eight hours and sixteen Macallan neatses! Look, I'm sorry, I just don't believe in marriage.

Britta

I do. It's inevitable.

Annie

She’s calling him?!

She was born in the 80's - she still uses her phone as a phone!

Abed

Uh-oh.

Annie

That's fine; it's fine! We just won't answer it.

Abed

Won't it go to your voicemail?

Britta

Hello? Blade?

Annie

You don't have a patent on being a control freak, Abed.

Abed

I sorta do.

How did we get the short straw?

Abed

It's not a short straw. It's a hot potato.

Yeah, well, it looks pretty cold to me.

Abed

Cold or dead?.

Survey says...

Abed

We can't both do the zinger.

Don't worry. If there is one thing Germans don't do, it's hold a grudge.

Abed

Unless we're talking about Die Hard 3.

Jeff

Or the 20th century.

Annie

So, Abed, I was thinking about what you said about showing growth, and I was thinking maybe one way to do that is to meet new people and...

Abed

Where's this going?

Annie

Can I set you up with a date for the Sadie Hawkins Day dance?

Abed

Blind date. I've always thought of myself as more of an acquired taste, but okay.

Shirley

Oh, if you're open to meeting someone, there's a number of eligible young ladies in my church.

Annie

Shirley, I'm already finding a date for Abed. I asked first.

Shirley

There's no reason we can't both help Abed find someone. Why don't we each pick a girl and let Abed decide, instead of making it a competition?

Abed

That's exactly a competition.

Abed

Freaky Friday. Oh, Troy, you are so thoughtful. I wish I had the capacity for sentimentality like you do.

Me? I wish I was more like you. No emotional hang-ups, endless cool adventures. You have it so easy.

Abed

No, you do, Troy!

No, you do, Abed!

I wish I could switch places with you for just one day!

Shirley

Oh...

[appearing] Sorry. Routine light-switch check.

I thought that would work.

Jeff

Yeah, we're all floored it didn't.

Abed

But, Jeff, it's a graduation gift. You see, on the surface we seem like just a group of people from diverse backgrounds who have become unlikely friends. But according to my research, our paths have crossed many times. We were destined to meet, like a team of superheroes. This is our origin story.

Jeff

And here we go. Abed, we don't have origin stories. We have lives. Well, at least... [looks around the table] Yep, just me.

Abed

I was looking for you.

What? I...

Abed

We discovered you're the reason we all went to Greendale. You linked all our stories, like how the Cosmic Cube assembled the Avengers. That, and the four billion dollar deal with Disney. Turns out you were always one of us. So I came to see if you wanted to get some frozen yogurt.

Really? That's... That's all I ever wanted. But it's too late.

Abed

Here's another thing I realised. Because of you, we got to reinvent ourselves at Greendale. Everyone should have the same chance, don't you think, Chang?

It's not Chang. It's Kevin. [Abed just looks at him] How long have you known?

Abed

Known what? Only you know who you really are. Also, you may have experimental monkey fever. You coming?

[pauses] Yeah.