Jeff quotes from Community

Jeff

I thought you left.

Annie

I couldn't go.

Jeff

What happened?

Annie

I guess, as we were driving away, I finally started living in the moment and I realized that, in the moment, Greendale is where I belong. What are you doing out here?

Jeff

Oh, you know, Britta and Slater told me they loved me.

Annie

Really?

Jeff

Yeah.

Annie

What did you do?

Jeff

I ran away. I don't know. It's hard. Slater makes me feel like I do when I write my New Year's resolutions. She makes me feel like the guy I want to be. And Britta makes me feel like the guy I am three weeks after the New Year's, when I'm back to hitting my snooze button and screening my Mom's phone calls. Back to who I really am. So do you try to evolve, or do you try to know what you are?

Annie

I don't know. I wish I could live two lives. One of me would go with Vaughn, one of me could stay here.

Jeff

One of me could be back with Slater, and the other could try it with Britta. Then we could all get together for some weird foursome. Um, I guess I gotta go deal with it.

Annie

Good luck.

Jeff

I'm glad you're staying.

Jeff

Look, we have the strength to survive anything. What's the worst that can happen with Chang?

[growling] I told you they hate you. [chuckles; then, normally] No! They just said they needed more time! [menacingly] Time? They destroyed your life! How much time before we take revenge? [normally] But they're my friends! [menacingly] I'm your only friend! [normally] No! [menacingly, lifting his hands into the air] Ha ha ha! [normally] No!! [menacingly] Ah ha ha ha! [normally] Nooooo!

Jeff

[answering a question by Professor Bauer] It was a trick question. The tool most important for humanity survival wasn't any of the nine in the box.

Go on.

Jeff

The most important tool is respect.

Ha! Gayyyyyy!

Shirley

[excitedly] Guys, guys, do you know I actually have a civil case against that bitch that stole my husband?

Jeff

Shirley, don't sue a stripper.

Shirley

Why not?

Jeff

She's a stripper: life sued her, and she lost.

Jeff

Britta, you're not whore. Shirley, you're not going to sue a woman for stealing your husband, and Pierce, do I even need to say it? It is bad to hunt man for sport!

Pierce

Badass!

Jeff

What is UP with that CAT?

Is someone throwing it?

Jeff

That's my jacket! My jacket, you're stretching it! You're stretching it-!

Go back, go back, go back!

Abed

Don't stop. Keep going.

Move, move!

Abed

Now drop down, drop down! To the gate, to the gate! Go!

I'm not going without you.

Abed

[to Troy] Make me proud. Be the first black man to make it to the end. Go, go, go!

Abed! ...I love you.

Abed

I know. Make it fast.

NOOOOOOO!

Britta

I can't believe that somebody would mass-roofie an entire party.

I can't believe it wasn't me.

Jeff

I can't believe I believe you. And I don't.

Wanna watch a movie?

Abed

Sure. Aliens, cyborgs or zombies?

I don't know why, but I'm kind of over zombies.

Abed

Yeah, I don't feel like anything action-heavy. How about something light?

You seen Marmaduke?

Abed

No. Cool, cool, cool.

And so, Troy and Abed went back to the dormitory for a viewing of Marmaduke. I'm George Takei. And if your name is Kevin, here's a little freebie for your cell phone. Hi, Kevin can't come to the phone. He's on a spaceship with me, George Takei. Please leave a message. You're welcome, Kevins. Happy Halloween.

Ready for The Bus Driver, Winger? You know why they call me The Bus Driver, right?

Jeff

'Cause you've been traveling all day?

'Cause I'm taking your butt to school.

Britta

[angrily] It all starts with a quick look-see into someone's bag and before you can say 1984, the thought police are forcing you to bend and spread!

Jeff

Bend and spread? Are the thought police going to make love to us?

Pierce

If - and I mean if - the culprit is among us, statistically speaking it's Troy.

Jeff

[sarcastically] Yes, Pierce, we were all thinking that, in 1856.

Britta

[angrily] It all starts with a quick look-see into someone's bag, and then it's a peek-a-rooni at our phone records! And before you can say "1984", the Thought Police are forcy-worcing you to bend and spread!

Jeff

"Bend and spread"? Are the Thought Police going to make love to us?

Do they find thoughts in our butts? I knew I should've read that book!

And so on, and so on, ex-chetterah!

Jeff

...Did you just mispronounce et cetera?

My latin class was fake, Jeff.

Annie

Jeff, you made up a professor, and he just appeared out of thin air. You're not the least bit curious how that happened?

Jeff

My latest theory? Maybe I'm a god. I've denied the signs for too long.

Annie

It's not like I'm seeing anyone. There's just a guy...

Abed

A guy that goes to Greendale? Is it the Russian guy that looks like a short Johnny Depp?

Annie

It doesn't matter.

Is it the guy who looks a little like Vince Vaughn but smells a lot like fish?

Abed

Is it the guy who looks like Anderson Cooper but with the soul patch and the ponytail?

Annie

No.

Is it Black Michael Chiklis?

Annie

No.

Pierce

The white George Foreman?

Britta

You guys are talking about the same person: he's biracial, his name is David, and he's a human being.

Is it Fat Neil?

Abed

Bluestreak?

Pierce

Optimus Prime?

Annie

Okay, even I know some of these are Transformers.

Jeff

Is it Jean-Claude Van Overbite?

Abed

We should really start learning people's names.

Jeff

I agree with brown Jamie Lee Curtis.