MaxNobody gives a shit, David! Nobody wants to be here. God, it's like you live in this stupid make-believe world where everything's great! The universe doesn't work that way, idiot, just look around! It's what I've been trying to show you since day one! Life sucks, and we live in a world of desensitized, apathetic assholes. Why don't you just get with the program, and stop giving a shit?
[Feeling smug, Max goes to leave, but David speaks up]
Max
[surprised] What?
Times have changed. Whether I like it or not. The campers don't care. Gwen doesn't care. Even the founder of this place has better things to do. That's why I'll never stop trying. Because somebody fucking has to.
Max
So, let me get this straight: Your name is Jeremy Fartz?
JJermy
I wish. It's actually JERMY Fartz. It's a family name. But both of my friends call me Big Nips.
Why do they call you Big Nips?
JJermy
Oh! Well, you see....
[Jermy then shows his hideous stomach to the campers horrifying them but Nikki, who was enthusiastic]
[In a flashback, Gwen sits inside the camp office watching TV, turning up the volume and thus not hearing the Woodscouts attacking outside]
Max
Help! We're under attack! They're inside the camp! Anybody? Help!
Yeah. Make his ass take you to Costco.
Max, that is it! I am fed up with your bad attitude! Why do you always have to bring everyone else down instead of try just a little bit to have fun?
David- [hands him the folder with Max's Camp Camp enrollment form]
Now let's all put on a happy face, go out there, and show everyone just how great you are at- [opens the folder] um-
[David stares at Max's enrollment form; apart from his name and age, his parents wrote nothing about him]
Max
I told you. They didn't care. [leaves, fighting back tears] Just make something up so we can get this over with.
And now, for our final, and most important performance- [David and Gwen look at Campbell from behind the curtains, then at Max, who is sitting dejectedly in a corner] give it up for Davey, Gladys, aand- [sees nobody there, then Max's form on the floor] Uh- what the what? Oh, don't tell me I lost another kid! [surprised campers and parents stand up] Uh, that may have sounded incriminating, but- [flees offstage]
Max
Why are we here? What about Campbell's big show?
Max
What?
You're right. It's stupid. You shouldn't have to pretend for anyone.
Max
Are you... okay?
I'm sorry, Max. I try to always see the good in things. And I try to get others to see the same, but- pretending things are okay when they're not doesn't help anything. I'm sorry your parents don't care enough, Max. You have every right to be angry. You deserve to be happy, and I hope you can find that here at Camp. Even if it's not today.
Life sucks sometimes, but at least there's pizza.
What's so great? [excitedly] WHAT'S SO GREAT!? [starts singing] I can't believe the time is here, To deck the halls and spread some cheer! It is my favorite season, Though I can't place the reason, Christmas is my favorite time of year.
Max
Okay, you just kinda stated stuff we already knew.
Yeah, we get that you like Christmas, but what is it about Christmas that you like?
Ho ho! I'll tell you! [singing] We'll wrap our presents good and tight, And shower Christmas trees with lights! Oh, yuletide carols we shall sing, Though I'm not sure what "yuletide" means, But Christmas is my favorite silent night!
[singing] So, you're about the decorations, Hanging everywhere?
Max
Don't sing.
[singing] The couples under mistletoe, And snowflakes in the air?
Max
No, please.
[singing] The Christmas morning presents, That you open with excitement and delight! So am I right?
[singing] I love the bells on Santa's sleigh. And all the reindeer games to pla-a-ay!
Max
[singing] Get to the point before I vomit.
[singing] I can't just put my finger on it, But Christmas is my favorite holiday! I know my reasoning's unclear, But I'm still smiling ear to ear! Call me "Saint Nik", 'Cause I'll keep giving. So long as I can keep reliving! Christmas is my favorite time, Dont' ask about reason or rhyme, Just know that it is my favorite time of yeeeeeaaaar! [song ends]
Max
So what you're saying is, you have no idea.
DDaniel
I wanted to give you a nice, memorable death, Max! But now you've given me no choice but to stab you. Like some commoner!
[Max grabs a crossbow]
Max
Don't move! I sorta know how to use this!
DDDaniel & David
Don't shoot! It's me, David! Ha! You wish you were David! I'm David!
Max
Okay, I'm just gonna shoot you both.
You know it's me, Max! You have to know!
Max
You're overestimating this relationship! [fires the crossbow at a shelf of canned milk, hitting one of the cans; Daniel falls as he gets sprayed]
DDaniel
Oh, not dairy! Oh, God, it's getting in my mouth... [curls up as indigestion hits him]
Max
Daniel has a weird milk thing... I don't know, it was too boring to follow.
Max
[notices Nikki crying] Hey!... You... Don't... uh... tears?
I AM DYING, MAX! You just don't care because you're selfish, and you only ever care about yourself! THAT'S WHAT SELFISH MEANS! [silence]
Max
Woah.
Wow. Sorry. I dunno what came over me. I guess this whole morbid experience has got me all emotional and moody.
I tried to create the perfect day of camp for you and everything. But your only goal was to hurt me. Because of something I said when I was just a kid.
Just a KID!?!? Kids are DIABOLICAL MONSTRONSITIES that drive you to THE BRINK OF INSANITY! After everything I've done for you, you chose a bunch of kids, over ME.
But that's... that's the job. You really don't get that, do you?
Max
David, seriously!? You actually feel sorry for this piece of shit!? This doesn't piss you off!?
[to Max] I'm not p'd off, Max. [to Cameron Campbell] I'm just...
NOOOOOOOOOO-HO-HO-HO! [rips off his uniform and runs off into the wilderness screaming]
Wow. That is the fastest I've ever seen this place break a new kid.
Camp Corp. Accounting, Gwen speaking!
Max
Fuck!
Max
Yeah, sorry. I bet Campbell five bucks you'd be working in the mail room.
You little shit! I'm better th- Wait. Campbell, as in-?
Max
Yeah, it's a long story, but the punchline is that we're getting Camp Campbell back and we need your help.
I know you finally have a respectable job, Gwen, so if you don't want to get involved-
FUCK THIS JOB! [other office staff come out of their cubicles to look] I mean- whaa? [quietly] Fuck this job! They don't need me! There's nothing to do! I get paid to just sit around and wait!
Hey, now, that is a hard job to land.
Gwen, really, are you sure about this?
[Gwen pauses, looking at the #2 Counselor mug on her desk]
You're goddamn right I am. What do you need me to do?
[Neil ends up taking cover beside Nikki and Max; he looks at the gallon of milk he's holding (for some reason)]
What am I supposed to do with a gallon of milk?
Drink it all for a devastating projectile attack!
Max
[clearly not interested] We're all counting on you, Neil.
Camp Camp · 71 quotes
