Scenes with Charles Boyle 37
It's interesting. This Orsk guy's name keeps cropping up in this case.
BoyleBecause he's the victim. He's the guy whose window was smashed with this rock. Okay? He's being extorted for $10,000.
Sure, but what do they want from him?
Boyle
$10,000. I just said that. We're trying to figure out who's doing the threatening.
Wait. I have a theory. I think "limousine" and "magazine" come from the same word.
Boyle
Just focus! Sorry for snapping. I interviewed Orsk-
Boyle
Oh, you're useless! You're completely useless! You are without a doubt the most incompetent detectives I've ever seen! And I'm including that bomb-sniffing dog, who humps all the bombs!
I've thought it over, and perhaps you should go ahead and show the letter to the Commissioner.
I'll deny I wrote it. It will take months to authenticate, which will give me plenty of time to make some personnel changes around here. There's an opening for a detective down in Brighton Beach; I think I'll transfer Diaz there. Detective Boyle, I'll send to Long Island City. Santiago will be a great fit for Pelham Bay. And Peralta? Your little pet project? I'm gonna ship him off to Staten Island. Hope he likes breaking up tanning salon fistfights. Looks like you've got a decision to make, Raymond. What're you gonna do?
[Cut to Holt exiting his office.]
Squad, if I could have your attention, please? I'm being transferred to the Public Relations office; I'm leaving the 9-9 effective immediately.
Boyle
Why are you doing this?
I want to say it has been a pleasure to have worked alongside all of you for the past 21-and-a-half months. I'm sorry for getting so emotional.
Pretty consistent tone, actually.
[Visibly emotional] These have been the... These have been the best years of my career.
And I know that... every one of you... gave me everything you had. And I will never forget it.
Go back to being robot, Captain!
Meep-morp. Zeep! [Clears throat] Dismissed.
Captain! I'm coming with you.
Boyle
Genevieve, I know we just met, and I don't wanna be too forward...
Boyle
Sometimes you just get a feeling about a person!
Boyle
I've got that feeling about you. I like you. I think tonight we-
[Boyle looks down and notices Genevieve is wearing handcuffs.]
Boyle
Oh... shoot.
GGenevieve
They just gave me ten years in prison.
[Genevieve leaves with the escorting police officers; Boyle turns back to Jake.]
Boyle
I have a few questions about a beautiful client of yours, Genevieve Mirren-Carter.
LLawyer
She got hit by a tow truck and sued the driver?
Boyle
No, she was accused of insurance fraud.
LLawyer
Oh, good, because I blew that tow truck case. Straight-up forgot to go to court.
[Holt and Gina have been transferred back to the 99th Precinct, and Boyle and Holt are riding the elevator as they come in to work. The doors open and everyone but them is dressed up for Halloween.]
What the hell, Charles? Where's your Halloween spirit?
Boyle
But- you guys always make fun of me!
I have never once insulted you in my life! Especially vis a vis your appearance!
Yeah, man. We always love your costumes.
Remember last year? When you came as that... person, and/or thing?
Boyle
Yes! I do remember! [Turns to Holt] Sir. Permission to sprint to my car and get my emergency costume.
[Shrugs] Does it matter if I say no?
Boyle
[Already racing back to the elevator] No!
[Five minutes later; Boyle is faced away from the doors as the elevator opens, dressed in an Elvis Presley costume.]
Boyle
A bam-bam, boom! [Turns around dramatically, then walks out of the elevator; everyone is dressed normally.] What the- what-?
Why are you dressed up? You look like an idiot.
Boyle
But uh- but uh-
Yeah, what're you supposed to be? A sassy car mechanic?
No! He is clearly the rejected Pop-Tarts mascot, Harry Pop-Tart!
Squad, that's enough. You're making Boyle feel bad on purpose. He's Elvis!
Boyle
Yes!
Elvis Stojko, the Canadian figure skater!
Boyle
NO!
I gotta say, the Chinese know how to make a terrible Scotch.
They certainly do. Ugh. It's bad. Gets you drunk, though.
Boyle
Well, I found all the worms. They're eating a fox corpse in the outhouse.
Speaking of which, I'm getting hungry. What's for dinner?
Dinner? Ha ha ha! Yes! Of course, dinner!
Did you not pack any food?
Boyle
Oh, it's not fresh.
[Jake has called Gina, Terry, Diaz, and Boyle into the break room.]
Scully has a mason jar full of lemonade.
You called us in here to tell us that?
No, I called you in here to change your lives! For you see, not five minutes ago, Hitchcock introduced me to his new goldfish, who lives in-
Boyle
[Looks out the break room window and gasps] An identical mason jar!
Oh... this isn't gonna end well.
There are two possible outcomes, and we're gonna bet on which one happens first. Will Hitchcock put fish food in Scully's lemonade, or will Scully drink Hitchcock's goldfish? Now, you would think that putting fish food into lemonade-
Hitchcock just drank his own fish.
[Boyle's ex-wife Eleanor has just visited the precinct and is threatening to destroy Boyle's stored sperm unless he illegally gets her out of going to court for hitting a man with her car.]
Boyle
Damn. She can't do that! Can she do that?
Okay, stay calm. We're gonna talk to a lawyer and get a professional opinion.
[Cut to Peralta and Boyle sitting in front of a lawyer's desk]
LLawyer
Damn! I can't believe you signed this contract! The sperm is her legal possession. It also says that she, and I quote, [flips to the second page and points] "Owns your dignity." You initialed right next to that!
[Boyle was caught naked in a restaurant bathroom when Rosa Diaz chased a suspect in there. The following day, Boyle is in the file room when Diaz walks in.]
Boyle
No, it's fine, I'm not-
Boyle
It's not like I'm, uh, always-
Boyle
Yeah.
Look, man. Nobody's ever gonna see that footage; the case was cut and dry. It's not like I'm dying to tell anyone I saw your-
Boyle
Benny and the Jets.
[Terry enters the file room.]
Hey. I've been looking for you guys. I just spoke to our perp's attorney. He's claiming the drugs you seized in the bathroom weren't his.
What?! But we saw him throw them in the garbage!
Yeah. Normally, it'd be your word against his- but lucky for us, you were wearing body cams!
Boyle
Yeah, but the thing about cameras, is that they don't really tell the full, objective truth. Images can be distorted. People often seem naked.
Boyle, what are you talking about?
Boyle is fully nude in the footage.
Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to the most anticipated event in this precinct's history! The auction for-
[Gina reaches down from the podium and holds up a vinyl briefcase; the gathered detectives are amazed.]
Exactly, Jacob. This puppy's been in the Lost & Found since 1976. No one alive today knows its contents. I'm happy to say Captain Holt has finally given me permission to auction it off!
I'll let you give me a spray tan! Any shade you want!
Jake, willing to sacrifice his dignity! Who can top it?
Boyle
Massage! I'll give you a massage!
Charles, going in the wrong direction and getting himself disqualified. Interesting approach. Orange Jake: Goin' once! Goin' twice!
I'll show you a picture of me in high school. There is side pony.
Ooh! Rosa comin' in hot, Rosa comin' in hot!
I'll also give you full control over my hair and wardrobe.
I'll go on a date with you!
SOLD! To Jake. Not to Scully. That really freaked me out and I just want this to end now.
Hey, Gina! We got an anonymous gift basket. Yeah, it's full of treats. It's got meats, cheeses, candies- all the food groups.
Boyle
The cheese is amazing. It melts in my mouth. And in my hands!
Hm. French chocolates, French cheeses, tiny French pickles. Did none of you detectives think this might be a gift for Captain Holt from someone in France? Like his husband, per exemple?
What? No way! This is a nice present from an unknown, appreciative citizen that wanted us to munch!
What's this, then? "Dear Captain Raymond Holt: Thinking of you. Best, Dr. Kevin Cozner, Ph.D." He even used their pet names.
Oh, no. I ate the chocolate-covered strawberry. That's the most intimate snack of them all!
Holt's gonna be back from his meeting in thirty minutes- what do we do?!
No! No. It's okay. We can fix this.
[32 minutes later.]
Check it out, sir; a lovely gift basket that Kevin sent you, all the way from Paris.
Boyle
Straight from Paris!
[Holt unties the ribbon and removes the red plastic wrapping. Holt examines some of the items.]
Stapler... scissors... rubber bands? [Picks up the package of rubber bands.] That man really knows me!
This envelope contains my inheritance from my uncle, he died a year ago. He was so rich, he had a whole room in his house just to eat in.
You mean like a dining room?
Now, just because I'm definitely rich now doesn't mean I'm gonna forget my roots. You all get something, so fire away.
Boyle
Jake, your friendship is gift enough for me.
Friendship is crap. I want a Ducati Monster 821.
All right, Rosa gets a motorcycle.
Oh, cool, I want a fast sports car.
Come on, you can be honest.
I want old, expensive books. I'll send you a list.
There you go. Now, let's find out what I'm worth... Ah, I'm too nervous. Sarge, you do it.
[Opens the envelope] It's stock, one million shares!
... Of Blockbuster Video stock.
[Terry hands the folder back and everyone goes back to work in disappointment.]
What? Is that bad? I still have a Blockbuster card. WHAT HAPPENED TO BLOCKBUSTER?!
Boyle
Jacque rolls his own cigarettes; a habit he picked up from a prostitute in Marseille! But.. that is not all he picked up.
Why do all your characters get STDs?!
Boyle
Because they're living life!
Here's everything you need to know.
Boyle
It's blank?
It's a metaphor! You get nothing, You lose! Good Day, Sir!
Well, frankly, I pity the lot of you. You look out there and see a problem, I look out there and see an opportunity. I'm gonna slide on that slippery floor all the way from Holt's office to the elevator.
You're gonna do the F.B.P.!
That's right, Rosa. I'm doing the Full Bullpen!
[Jake prepares by stretching. Terry puts on Jake's helmet and Amy kisses Jake before strapping him on.]
[When Gina waves the starting flag, Jake slides across the floor to the tune of Starship's "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now". Everyone cheers him on.]
[Everyone continues to root for Jake until he arrives at the elevator, which opens. Holt is inside to everyone's horror.]
BTBoyle, Terry and Diaz
[in slow motion] Nooooo!!!!
[in slow motion] OOOOHHH!!!
[Jake collides with Holt and the elevator closes. Everybody cringes. The elevator opens again and Holt and Jake exit. Holt grabs Jake's hand and raises it up.]
Brooklyn Nine-Nine · 153 quotes
