Jake Peralta quotes from Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Jake

Excuse me, excuse me! I'm Jake Peralta. [The guests applaud.] So thrilled to be here today. As many of you know, I used to be a cop. [The guests boo.] Hey, I was dirty; I took tons of bribes. But as a former detective, I know a thing or two about life sentences. And Angie, Marco, you just got slapped with the best life sentence there is: marriage. Make us proud, have a son. Salut!

Jake

Well, I think we handled that with dignity. [The vending machine slips from the dolly and hits the floor, shattering the glass on its front.] FREE CANDY!

Santiago

If I'm ever going to make captain, I need a good mentor; I need my rabbi.

Peralta

Sorry, dude, but this new guy's gonna be a washed-up pencil-pusher who's only concerned with [robot gestures, robotic voice] following every rule in the patrol guide. Meep morp zeep, robot captain engaged!

Holt

[standing right behind Peralta] Is that what you think?

Peralta

[stands up, turns around, smiles] H-hey! New captain alert! [looks around, laughs awkwardly] You must be the new C.O.! I'm Detective Jake Peralta, great to meet you—

Holt

Now don't let me interrupt, you were describing what kind of person I'm going to be. I'd like you to finish.

Peralta

Nah, that's not necessary. [Holt looks back, stone-faced] Or I could recap, very quickly, sure! Um, let's see, I think I said some joke about you being a washed-out pencil-pusher—

Holt

Now do the robot voice. The robot voice you were doing when you implied I'm a rule-following robot. I want to hear it again.

Peralta

[looks around nervously, speaks more quietly, does robot gestures] Um, meep-morp. Zarp. Robot!

Holt

That's a terrible robot voice.

Peralta

Yup.

Holt

The next time I see you I'd like you to be wearing a necktie.

Holt

That's fine work, detective.

Peralta

[wearing a tie] Thank you very much, sir. Testament to what can be achieved when you dress appropriately. [stands, revealing that he's wearing Speedos and no trousers]

Holt

[smiles slightly] You know what? Such fine police work, let's share it with the whole team. Santiago, Boyle, Diaz, get in here! Bring everyone! And a camera!

Peralta

That's not necessary—

Holt

[with the squad behind him] Let's have a hand for the fine master detective Jake Peralta!

Peralta

Well, we don't have to worry about Podolski's son anymore. The case is officially out of my hands. No charges filed.

Holt

[Examining the report] Why is there yogurt on this?

Peralta

The Deputy Commissioner threw my report into Terry's trash can. And he'd been eating yogurt earlier.

Holt

Terry loves yogurt. Something wrong?

Peralta

Yeah. I called six precincts about this kid! He's been brought in a dozen times. Theft, vandalism, drunken disorderly- but he's never been processed. His daddy comes in and bails him out every time! He's a lucky little jerk.

Holt

No, I wouldn't say lucky. I feel bad for this kid. I mean, what kind of father cares so little for his son that he lets him get away with everything? [Seemingly nonchalant] Well, he's someone else's problem now. Like you said, it's out of your hands.

Peralta

All right, I see what you're trying to do, but it's not gonna work. I'm not gonna arrest him. I'm gonna arrest him!

Holt

You want backup?

Peralta

Yes!

What is this?! You can't do this! Get that thing out of here!

Peralta

Excuse me, sir. Trevor Podolski, you're under arrest for vandalism and destruction of property.

Dad!

What are you doing? I told you to back off, Peralta.

Peralta

First off, the name is Santiago, Detective Amy Santiago. Second, I'm arresting your son, which, as I say it aloud, seems like an unwise choice. But it's the one I'm making. Once again my name is Amy Santiago!

You're being stupid, Peralta. Don't be stupid. I can make your life miserable.

Holt

Commissioner, please don't talk to my detective in that tone. If you have a complaint you can take it up with me.

You just made yourself a very powerful enemy, Holt. I'm gonna be watching you- both of you- like a hawk!

Holt

You're gonna have to try a little harder if you want to scare me. I've been an openly gay cop since 1987 so you're not the first superior officer to threaten me. You know why I'm still standing here? 'Cause I do my job. And I do it right.

Holt

Detectives, our monthly crime statistics are due. I want paperwork on all your closed cases by tomorrow. Scully, you can just write "I didn't close any" on a piece of paper.

Scully

You got it.

Amy

I already got my paperwork in, Captain.

Holt

Then I guess this little reminder isn't for you.

Jake

[Quietly] Wow, looks like he hates you even more than me.

Amy

No, he doesn't. We have a good relationship. We're on the same page.

Holt

Something to share with the rest of us, Santiago?

Amy

No, sir. I wasn't- [Turns and points behind her] Peralta was the one that was talking!

Jake

God, you must have been the worst fourth grader ever.

Amy

Joke's on you; I skipped fourth grade.

Holt

Santiago! Anything else?

Jake

I happen to be a very good secondary.

Amy

So you were just borrowing those cars?

Jake

Ask about his bank account. Ask about his bank account! Ask him about his bank- [The glass shatters] -account. You should ask him about his bank account. [Leaving] Captain! Santiago broke the glass!

Boyle

You talking oldest bags? 68.

Santiago

That's not that old.

Boyle

Yeah, but I was only 20.

Jake

20? Were you even a cop then?

Boyle

No, man. That was before I made it into the academy.

Diaz

Charles isn't talking about his oldest arrest.

Ew!

Boyle

Yeah, 68, like I said.

Jake

God, you had sex with a 68-year-old when you were in your 20s?

Boyle

You know how it is, when you have a chance to bed an older woman, you-

Jake

No, that's not an older woman; that's an old woman! That's someone's grandma!

Boyle

She was, actually; that's how I met her.

Santiago

Oh! [Everyone grimaces and starts laughing]

Boyle

Don't- don't knock it 'till you try it! She had a replacement hip with some serious torque. It was like having sex with a Transformer!

Jake

That is no one's fantasy!

Jake

I swear, these perps are so stupid. I'd make a better criminal than any of 'em.

Boyle

Yeah, you would! And everyone would call you "The Handsome Bandit".

Jake

Thank you, Charles. And the best part is, none of you could catch me.

Terry

Oh, come on.

Holt

I'm fairly certain you would be caught. No, scratch that. I'm 100% sure you'd be caught.

Jake

Ho-ho-ho! All right, challenge accepted.

Holt

I didn't issue a challenge.

Jake

Fine, I'll issue it for you. What's the most valuable thing in your office?

Holt

My Medal of Valor.

Jake

God, you are such a hero. All right, how about this; I bet you that by midnight tonight, I can steal the Medal of Valor from your office.

Holt

Why would I possibly agree to that?

Jake

Because if I lose, I'll work the next five weekends. No overtime. And I won't tell anyone here about the time I saw you wearing short-shorts outside of work. But if I win-

Holt

You won't.

Jake

-you have to do all of my paperwork tonight, the busiest and spookiest night of the year. And you have to publicly state that I am an amazing detective/genius.

Holt

And this won't interfere with you doing your job?

Jake

You mean my job as an amazing detective/genius? No, it will not. I will do all of my work, guaranteed.

Holt

I'm considering it. I'm interested. I agree to participate.

Jake

All right, there's the robot I fell in love with.

Holt

[Sees Jake in a janitor's costume] Nice costume Peralta.

Jake

No Peralta here! Just a janitor pushing trash around.

Holt

Come out of there!

Jake

[Sighing] Captain! Hey!

Holt

You really thought this was gonna work?

Jake

Um it did work. This whole janitor gambit was designed to fail. It's just like in chess. Sometimes, in order to win, you need to sacrifice your king.

Holt

That's exactly how you lose in chess. Have you ever played the game?

Jake

20 seconds to spare. Game over, Captain. Check me.

Holt

I think you mean "Checkmate". You really need to learn how to play chess. How'd you get everyone to help you?

Jake

I appealed to their sense of teamwork and camaraderie with a rousing speech that would put Shakespeare to shame.

Jake

For too long we've been put down, ridiculed, made to wear ties! But no more! For today, we defeat him!

Holt

And that worked?

Jake

No. Oh, no, not at all. My speech did not inspire them. So I bribed them. I told them that if we pulled this off I would do all of their paperwork. And since you're doing all of my paperwork...

Holt

I'm impressed, Peralta. Well done.

Jake

Thank you, sir.

Boyle

In fact, the thing you failed to see, Captain, is that teamwork is the... [Holt walks out of the room past him.]

Jake

Captain! Sir? He's not coming back.

Holt

Detective Peralta has made a collar in the jewelry store heist.

Boyle

Way to go, Jakie! [Raises hand for high five]

Jake

Ah, that's okay... [Grabs Boyle's hand and lowers it]

Holt

No. He didn't get sufficient evidence to make it stick, so we have the next 48 hours to fix his mistake.

Amy

Damn it, Jake. What evidence did you have when you arrested this guy?

Jake

Some pretty ironclad stuff.

Jake

Dustin; it's been a while. Mind if I ask you a few questions?

Well, well. If it isn't Joke Peralta. [Laughs]

Jake

Okay, that's it! You're under arrest!

Jake

Case closed?

Holt

If we don't find something conclusive, it jeopardizes the case and opens up the Department to a lawsuit. So cancel your plans. We're here until this is over.

Amy

Damn it, Peralta!

Holt

Now, I know everyone's mad at Detective Peralta for ruining their weekend.

Jake

But?

Holt

That was it. I was just demonstrating for Detective Peralta what a fact is.

Jake

It's good to see you, Sal. I'm so sorry about the fire.

I can't believe it's gone, Jakey. All of it. The pizza oven. The first dollar bill I ever made. The 7-Up fridge.

Jake

Hey, it's gonna be all right. You'll rebuild.

The Fire Department's been asking a lot of questions.

Jake

Oh, Fire Department questions. Let me guess: "What part of my face do I put food in? How do you count to one? What's air?"

They think I torched my own place. You know I wouldn't do something like that, right?

Jake

Yeah, of course. But can you think of anybody who might've done it?

I can think of ten pizzerias that want me out of the game. That jerk Mario comes to mind. We share a delivery radius.

Boyle

Mario is number ten overall in Brooklyn, and rising fast. He might've wanted to move up the ladder.

Jake

Of one foodie weirdo's personal pizza email blast?

Boyle

Yeah.

Jake

Okay, we'll start with him. Then we'll move on to the rest of your competition, see if anything suspicious turns up.

Boyle

It'll be the perfect opportunity to update my rankings. Can we stop at home for a pizza bib?

Jake

No, Charles, we gotta go fast.

Boyle

Right, right, I'll just use my work bib.

Jake

No, no bib! We're gonna solve this for you, Sal. Sit tight.

Holt

Same to you, your Honor. [Hangs up the phone.]

Jake

Oh, what judge were you talking to?

Holt

That was my mother.

Jake

You call your mom "your Honor"?

Holt

She's a federal judge on the 9th Circuit. What else would I call her?