Okay. Personal photos are down, kitchen is spotless and I got the silver-painted breakdancer outside to move his very loud boombox elsewhere.
[A cutaway shows Terry breakdancing in front of a crowd with the silver breakdancer]
You beat him in a dance-off?
No. I destroyed him. There's absolutely nothing here that will set off Holt.
[Scully suddenly backs away from his desk while Hitchcock holds a lit road flare over a burning bowl]
Oh! Oh! I was trying to cook my oatmeal with a road flare but it caught on fire!
Why are you using a road flare?!
You said the kitchen was off-limits!
Yeah, this is your fault, Sarge.
Give me that. [takes the road flare]
[Terry knocks the bowl onto the floor and stomps it out. Holt enters and stops in front of him.]
[still stomping out the oatmeal] I'm just... holding a road flare... stepping on some oatmeal... Just doing me.
HoltI can't believe that you, of all people, are my biggest problem today, Jeffords. [leaves]
Come on, guys. I grew a goatee and it looks amazing and I know you can see it.
Of course we can see it, Charles. It's horrible.
It looks like you unclogged a shower drain with your mouth.
Yeah, you look exactly like the guy in the "Don't talk to strangers" poster.
Holt
Are you talking about your new goatee? I think it's a good choice for your face. Come over here so I can take a better look.
[walking over to Holt] Thank you, captain. I knew you'd appreciate Bianca. [to the bullpen] That's right, I call her Bianca because she's dark and thick like my first cousin Bianca.
Holt
[puts on glasses, examines Boyle's goatee] Jeffords, Peralta. Now.
[Terry restrains Boyle]
Say goodbye to Bianca, Boyle. [reveals an electric razor and turns it on]
Holt
I'm not going anywhere. Madeline's not some invincible succubus. She's a regular succubus and can be defeated. We just need to find the letter.
Holt
Before our current policy commissioner was hired, a mutual friend told me Madeline wrote a letter to the mayor telling him it was a mistake. She apparently called her now-boss a quote "simpering buffoon" unquote.
Amateur, always say your insults to someone's face, no paper trail.
Holt
A copy of that letter exists in the mayor's archives. I can't go snooping around without alerting Madeline, so it won't be easy, and we don't have much timeout I need you to find that letter
I've thought it over, and perhaps you should go ahead and show the letter to the Commissioner.
Holt
And let him fire you?
I'll deny I wrote it. It will take months to authenticate, which will give me plenty of time to make some personnel changes around here. There's an opening for a detective down in Brighton Beach; I think I'll transfer Diaz there. Detective Boyle, I'll send to Long Island City. Santiago will be a great fit for Pelham Bay. And Peralta? Your little pet project? I'm gonna ship him off to Staten Island. Hope he likes breaking up tanning salon fistfights. Looks like you've got a decision to make, Raymond. What're you gonna do?
[Cut to Holt exiting his office.]
Holt
Squad, if I could have your attention, please? I'm being transferred to the Public Relations office; I'm leaving the 9-9 effective immediately.
Holt
I want to say it has been a pleasure to have worked alongside all of you for the past 21-and-a-half months. I'm sorry for getting so emotional.
Pretty consistent tone, actually.
Holt
[Visibly emotional] These have been the... These have been the best years of my career.
Holt
And I know that... every one of you... gave me everything you had. And I will never forget it.
Go back to being robot, Captain!
Holt
Meep-morp. Zeep! [Clears throat] Dismissed.
Captain! I'm coming with you.
Holt
Thank you, Gina.
Holt
Not necessary.
[Cpt. Holt enters his former office at the 99th Precinct]
Holt
Huh. Strange to be on this side of the desk.
VThe Vulture
What? Oh, right, you used to work here. You know I've made a lot of improvements since you left? I got a fridge for my protein shakes, I got a kettle bell station, I got a wolf that I killed in Utah. [Points to different spots in the office, then to a cardboard box. Holt looks in the box.]
Holt
I'm fairly certain that's a dog.
VThe Vulture
Yeah, it was dark.
VThe Vulture
You were workin' a case! I frickin' knew it; you're a liar!
MWMadeline Wuntch
And you! You can't do anything except disobey orders and screw up!
I'm disappointed, too, Ray.
No one cares, Bob. And after all your so-called detective work you didn't even get the right guy! Raymond, Raymond, Raymond-
Holt
It was an error, but-
Do not interrupt me! Raymond, Raymond, Raymond, Raymond- seven times, once for every day your juicy, insubordinate ass is suspended.
VThe Vulture
Same goes for you, Peralta, 'cept for the juicy ass part, 'cause your ass is stupid.
Now get the hell outta my office!
[Jake and Holt leave Wuntch's office, but Jake stops once they're outside.]
Wait a minute, sir. You know what? Screw this!
[Jake confidently goes back into Wuntch's office but comes back seconds later.]
It's ten days now. Shouldn't have gone back in.
[After Jake and Holt catch the serial killer known as the Oolong Slayer.]
Holt
Thank you, Peralta.
What're you thanking me for? You're the one who showed up and stopped him from shooting me in my beautiful face.
Holt
For giving me one last chance to be a real cop, before going back to a lifetime of- PR drivel.
Sir, we just caught a serial killer! I've wanted this since I was four years old!
Holt
That's troubling.
We did something special here. I'm honored our names will appear together on the arrest report.
Holt
No, no. I think you should take sole credit. Wuntch will only use it to sink me. I'm glad your dream came true, Peralta. Now, if you'll excuse me... the drivel calls.
[Holt and Gina have been transferred back to the 99th Precinct, and Boyle and Holt are riding the elevator as they come in to work. The doors open and everyone but them is dressed up for Halloween.]
What the hell, Charles? Where's your Halloween spirit?
But- you guys always make fun of me!
I have never once insulted you in my life! Especially vis a vis your appearance!
Yeah, man. We always love your costumes.
Remember last year? When you came as that... person, and/or thing?
Yes! I do remember! [Turns to Holt] Sir. Permission to sprint to my car and get my emergency costume.
Holt
[Shrugs] Does it matter if I say no?
[Already racing back to the elevator] No!
[Five minutes later; Boyle is faced away from the doors as the elevator opens, dressed in an Elvis Presley costume.]
A bam-bam, boom! [Turns around dramatically, then walks out of the elevator; everyone is dressed normally.] What the- what-?
Why are you dressed up? You look like an idiot.
Yeah, what're you supposed to be? A sassy car mechanic?
No! He is clearly the rejected Pop-Tarts mascot, Harry Pop-Tart!
Holt
Squad, that's enough. You're making Boyle feel bad on purpose. He's Elvis!
Holt
Elvis Stojko, the Canadian figure skater!
Hey, Gina! I need a top secret favor. Sharon has come to the precinct and I need your help.
Uh, it better not be pregnancy related, 'cause that crap is nasty.
Dress it up however you want; that's some disgusting animal kingdom nonsense.
Okay, don't worry about Sharon, I'll take care of her. I've got everything she needs. Pillow, blanket, copy of Breast Feeders magazine, which, now that I say it out loud, sounds like porn. [Flips through the magazine] Yep, it is.
So what do you need me for?
Keeping Captain Holt away from her. Terry says he gets very awkward near Sharon.
Mm, that's one way to put it.
[In a flashback, Terry and Sharon encounter Holt inside the precinct]
Holt
Ah, Sharon, nice to see you! You look so big, like a mighty truck.
[As Jake approaches their desk] Oh, come here, come here, come here! You need to see this! I'm about to give Captain Holt his gift.
Oh? Did he lift his no gift policy?
No, he didn't, but I figured out a way to buy him something and trick him into accepting it.
I know, right! Oh, wait, you're making fun of me.
Well, I don't care. He would never open a gift, right? But, what if his gift didn't look like a gift?
Exactly! I left it in a cardboard box on his desk. There's no card, just the words "Open Now" which I wrote with my wrong hand, so he wouldn't recognise my handwriting! [Holt passes them] Captain!
Raymond Holt
Santiago. Peralta.
Sir... So, just to recap, you left an unmarked package on a police captain's desk, on a random Monday with a suspicious message written on it that looked like it was scrawled by a crazy person?
Holt
[exiting his office quickly] Bomb! There's a bomb! Everyone out! [There is mass panic as everyone rushes for the exit. Rosa presses an alarm] Let's go, let's go! This is not a drill! Let's go!
[sarcastically, to an aghast Amy] Great gift, babe!
Hey, Gina! We got an anonymous gift basket. Yeah, it's full of treats. It's got meats, cheeses, candies- all the food groups.
The cheese is amazing. It melts in my mouth. And in my hands!
Hm. French chocolates, French cheeses, tiny French pickles. Did none of you detectives think this might be a gift for Captain Holt from someone in France? Like his husband, per exemple?
What? No way! This is a nice present from an unknown, appreciative citizen that wanted us to munch!
What's this, then? "Dear Captain Raymond Holt: Thinking of you. Best, Dr. Kevin Cozner, Ph.D." He even used their pet names.
Oh, no. I ate the chocolate-covered strawberry. That's the most intimate snack of them all!
Holt's gonna be back from his meeting in thirty minutes- what do we do?!
No! No. It's okay. We can fix this.
[32 minutes later.]
Check it out, sir; a lovely gift basket that Kevin sent you, all the way from Paris.
[Holt unties the ribbon and removes the red plastic wrapping. Holt examines some of the items.]
Holt
Stapler... scissors... rubber bands? [Picks up the package of rubber bands.] That man really knows me!
What we need in here is an armored personnel carrier. A tank!
Two tanks. I want a tank, too.
Great, so everyone gets a tank. Just remember, we can't ruin Captain Holt's vacation high. We can't do anything to upset him. [Turns around and sees Hitchcock and Scully in Holt's office] Woah, no! What're those morons doing in there?!
Maybe it's not that bad. Maybe they didn't upset him.
What'd you do? What'd you say?
Nothin', just said welcome back.
And laughed with him about all the weight he gained in France!
Holt
Why is everyone just standing around? Get back to work!
Holt
"Tank"?! I gained three pounds in Paris! Three pounds!
[Holt, Diaz, and Jake are meeting FBI Agent Bob Anderson, a friend and colleague of Holt's, in a public park.]
Holt
Hello, Bob. Good to see you.
BABob Anderson
And you. Apologies, it's inappropriate of me to partake in such informal conversation in front of your detectives.
Holt
It's all right. I am equally to blame.
Oh, my God! There's two of them!
Did you get the other guy?
Someone named Bob Anderson.
Oh, my God. Amy, I have to go. [Hangs up.] Bob is working for Figgis!
He must've been the one who deleted all those digital files! And he tried to have Wielan killed!
But he helped us with the heist and there was nothing about him in the paper file!
Yeah! Cause that wasn't the real file! We have to call Holt. Come on, Captain, pick up! Pick up!
[Cut to the hospital room where Holt and Bob were waiting; Bob has drawn his pistol and is aiming it at Holt.]
Don't answer that, Raymond. And now I'm going to have to kill you.
Holt
Oh, Bob.
CCaller
[In a deep-sounding, disguised voice] Jake Peralta? This is Jimmy Figgis.
CCaller
You and Ray Holt took down my operation. Now, I'm gonna kill you both. Later, dog. [Hangs up.]
[Cut to Jake coming out of a house in a South Florida suburb. Next door, Holt is out watering his lawn.]
Holt
Morning, Larry.
Brooklyn Nine-Nine · 153 quotes
