Raymond Holt quotes from Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Holt

Same to you, your Honor. [Hangs up the phone.]

Jake

Oh, what judge were you talking to?

Holt

That was my mother.

Jake

You call your mom "your Honor"?

Holt

She's a federal judge on the 9th Circuit. What else would I call her?

Jake Peralta

Whoa. What's with the cast?

Raymond Holt

I sprained my wrist.

Amy Santiago

[obsequiously] Oh no, what happened?

Holt

Don't worry about it, I'm fine.

Peralta

Yeah, Jeez Amy. Back off. Leave the guy alone [he cranes his neck to check Holt is out of earshot] All right, huddle up, everybody. Bring it in, bring it in. [They all assemble] So he wouldn't say what happened, which can only mean one thing.

Gina Linetti

He's in a fight club?

Peralta

No, he did it doing something he's embarrassed by. Like smiling. Only question is... how do you hurt your arm smiling?

Charles Boyle

Could be a sports injury. I sprained my wrist in college, playing field hockey.

Terry Jeffords

[incredulous] Men's field hockey?

Charles

Yeah. It's much more violent than the women's game. We're not allowed to wear anything that protects our breasts.

Holt

[exiting his office] Attention, everyone! I can hear you speculating about the nature and origin of my injury from my office. I tripped over an uneven sidewalk. I did not think it was relevant to your jobs, the jobs you should all be doing right now. Get to work. [When everyone has gone back to their desks, he sidles up to Peralta and talks in hushed voice] Do you wanna know how I actually hurt my wrist?

Peralta

Yes.

Holt

I was hula hooping. Kevin and I attend a class for fitness, and for fun.

Peralta

[in surprise and amazement] Oh my God.

Holt

I've mastered all the moves. [holds up his phone to show Peralta a picture] The pizza toss, the tornado, the scorpion, the oopsie doodle.

Peralta

[struggling to contain his glee] Why are you telling me this?

Holt

[slowly and deliberately] Because no-one... will ever believe you.

Peralta

No, no! [Holt gives him a cruel smile and makes his way back to his office. Through his teeth] You sick son of a bitch.

Jake

All right, I'll just act like you. Say something so I can get the cadence of your voice down.

Holt

I will not.

Jake

Perfect. I will not. I... will not. I will... not.

Have a seat, Detective.

Jake

I will not.

Excuse me?

Jake

Uh, sorry. I meant out of respect I will choose to stand. Sit, I will not.

[Gestures to the form in front of her] This looks like it was filled out by a toddler! Now, we are going to have to go through this point-by-point. Justice cannot be rushed.

Jake

But could it be gently nudged into hyper speed?

I take it you're the toddler.

Jake

Congratulations, Tony. It's a beautiful night. [Holds out his hand]

[Pushes Jake's hand down] Hey. You're one of us now. [Grabs Jake and kisses him]

Jake

You know how long I've been waiting for one of you old men to kiss me?

[To another don] He's a good kid.

Jake

You know, I gotta say, out of the four of you I think Vito's the best kisser. [The four bosses laugh.] Oh, what a wedding, huh? Although the meatballs were a little dry.

Holt

Dry meatballs. That's the signal! Let's go, go, go!

I've examined his proposal; there's no proof that giggle-pig is a serious problem.

Captain Raymond Holt

So we're just supposed to wait until it turns into an epidemic? You're like the League of Nations in '36: just hoping the Abyssinia Crisis resolves itself.

That's the lesson you draw from the fall of Addis Ababa? Raymond, you sound so naïve.

Holt

And you sound just like Victor Emmanuel III.

Terry

I have no idea who's winning.

Holt

I am.

Jake

Oh, hey there, Captain! Do you happen to know what day today is?

Holt

Well, based on the fact that yesterday was the birthday of legendary Dutch flautist Frans Brüggen, and a week ago was October 24th, I'd say today is-

Jake

It's Halloween. Just say it's Halloween.

Holt

It's Halloween.

Jake

All right, and what happened last Halloween?

Holt

Oh, I listened to the CD I bought the night before the Frans Brüggen birthday concert.

Jake

Please stop saying Brüggen.

Holt

Last year, you bet me you could steal my Medal of Valor. And you did. Consequently, I was forced to do your paperwork for a week, and to say words I thought I'd never have to say.

Holt

Jake Peralta is an amazing detective/genius.

Jake

But now it's time for round two of our Halloween bet. This year I believe I'll make things more difficult for myself. Let's say, what, I'll steal the watch right off your wrist.

Holt

Or, we could just not do it at all this year.

Jake

Sir, with all due respect: C'mon, homie!

Holt

It's not worth all the trouble. Just so you might call me an amazing captain/genius, and give me one week of overtime for free.

Jake

All right, fine. I'll double the overtime. I'll triple it! I'll quadruple it! I will five-druple it! I'll five-druple the overtime! Got his attention. He's coming back to me.

Holt

Just to clarify: if you steal my watch by midnight, I will do your paperwork for a week, but if you fail, you will give me five weeks of overtime for free.

Jake

Correct.

Holt

I'm doing a cost-benefit analysis in my head. The benefits outweigh the costs- we have reached an accord.

Jake

Accords!

Jake

Well done. But I do have to ask: those guys at the impound- did they really smash my car?

Holt

No. In fact, I had them wash it.

Jake

Good one, Captain! You can't "wash a car". So how'd you convince the whole squad to betray me? What'd you offer them?

Holt

I asked them if they wanted to embarrass you, and they instantly said yes.

Jake

I'm not gonna lie, that turns me on a little bit.

Holt

Mm-hmm. So in addition to the five weeks of free overtime, I believe I'm owed one more thing.

Jake

Yes. Here we go.

Holt

One second.

Jake

Very well. Captain Raymond Holt: you are an amazing police captain/genius. But be warned: I started planning next year's heist just this minute!

Holt

Good. Then you're only three months behind.

Jake

You played me?!

Holt

Like Frans Brüggen plays the flute.

Hello, Raymond.

Holt

Madeline. I'd wondered why all the birds had suddenly stopped singing.

I heard you were under investigation from Internal Affairs. Didn't wanna miss that!

Holt

So much time with your ear to the pavement, it's a pity a truck hasn't run over your head.

Jake

Okay, I could get in a lot of trouble for this. But the big secret about Captain Holt is...

Holt

[Steps into view] ...That I have a flair for the dramatic. Look behind you, Madeline.

Jake

We're actually in front of you. That's my fault. I thought the layout was gonna be different. Didn't know how you guys were gonna be sitting. I took a chance.

Holt

Miller may be in Internal Affairs, but he wasn't here on official business. You sent him to spy on us. That's a flagrant ethics violation, Madeline- and it could sink you.

Fine. You're right. But you can't prove that. It's just your word against mine.

Jake

Ooh, actually, it's your word against you. Pardon me- [Picks up the flash drive he'd given to Miller] I put a recording device in this dope drive, so, I got your whole conversation.

Holt

You're going to leave my precinct and my task force alone. Or else, you're... Wuntch meat.

Jake

You sure you wanna go with that one?

Holt

Absolutely. It's hilarious.

Jake

Wait for it...wait for it...9:01. Amy Santiago is officially late for the first time ever. Alright, let's do this. Who's got theories?

Terry

Uh...alarm didn't go off.

Jake

All three alarms? All with battery backup? Come on, who wants to take this seriously?

Boyle

Ooh! She was taken in her sleep.

Jake

That's what I'm talking about! Super dark, Boyle, but way more plausible than the Sarge's idiotic alarm clock theory.

Diaz

I bet she tucked herself into bed too tight and got stuck.

Gina

Maybe she fell into another dimension where she's interesting.

Holt

It's 9 a.m. Why is no one working?

Jake

Amy Santiago is a few minutes late, and we're all trying to guess why.

Holt

I like to play. I'd say she's in line at the bank. This is fun.

Jake

It is fun, but you're all wrong. She clearly slipped through a subway grate and is having terrible sex with a mole man.

Jake

There she is. Amy! Where have you been? We've been worried sick! Do you care to explain yourself?!

Amy

I'm just seventy seconds late! It's not a big deal. Don't worry about it.

Holt

Santiago, you will tell us, and you will tell us now.

Amy

...There was a problem at the bank.

Holt

[claps] HOT DAMN!

Amy

Captain Holt's uncle passed away. They weren't close, but I wanted to do something.

Jake

Flowers are an interesting choice, Santiago. But I can still beat you.

Amy

Beat me at expressing condolences?

Jake

Yup- it's on! Flowers are a gift, and Captain Holt hates gifts. I think a thoughtful email is the way to go here. [Gets out his cell phone] "Dear Captain, we were all so sorry for your loss." Group sentiment, very meaningful. "Please let us know if there's anything we can do." Selfless act.

Boyle

Very respectful.

Jake

Correct. I am the king of respectfulness, bitches!

Amy

Hey, did you send that from your personal or work account?

Jake

Personal. It's a personal matter, involving a personal friend and his personal uncle.

Amy

So you remembered to turn off your signature, right?

Jake

Oh, no.

Jake

Hey, Captain, I just sent you an email, uh...

Holt

"Dear Captain, we were all so sorry for your loss. Please let us know if there's anything we can do." Sent from, "My Stinky Butt."

Jake

I was hacked?

Holt

Thank you for the email. It means a lot to me.

Jake

You're very welcome.

Holt

I was addressing your stinky butt.

Holt

Good morning, Boyle.

Boyle

Oh, good morning, Captain Holt.

Holt

After our disagreement yesterday, I went online to read your culinary blogs and scoff. To my dismay, I actually learned something about how food tells a story. So I made Kevin this.

Boyle

It's warm.

Holt

It's a croque monsieur. Kevin and I shared one on a rainy afternoon in Paris on our first anniversary. It's one of our most treasured memories. I'm sure it's not up to your standards, but Kevin seemed to enjoy it. So thank you, for your guidance.

Hitchcock

Gross, huh?

Boyle

No. It's perfect! He's a natural chef! Now I know how Salieri felt.

For meritorious service, the NYPD bestows this award on Rosa Diaz, Jake Peralta, and Captain... Raymond Holt. [The crowd applauds; Wuntch takes the first medal and hangs it around Holt's neck.] Raymond.

Holt

Madeline.

You won. Go ahead and gloat, you toad.

Holt

Thank you for this honor, Deputy Chief.

[pleased] Oh. Okay. You're welcome.

Holt

Wuntch time is over! Boom, did it! Had it both ways! No regrets.

Diaz

Deputy Chief Wuntch is here to see you.

Holt

Oh, please stay, Diaz. I need a witness in case her head starts spinning around or she turns into a she-wolf.

Hello, Raymond.

Holt

No flaccid rejoinder? Hm. What's going on?

I'm here on important business. I'm a front-runner for a job in the Boston P.D.

Holt

Boston? But it's so close to Salem. You do know what they do to witches up there, don't you?

Diaz

This is amazing.

The job is Chief of Police.

Holt

I see. So you've come to brag.

No. The only blemish on my record is our long history of interpersonal turbulence. The Boston Commissioner would like to speak to you about it. I've... come to ask for your help. The Commissioner will be calling y-

Holt

Wait- shhhhhhhhhh..... Oh, moment savored. So, where were we? Ah, yes- you were talking about how I hold your fate in the palm of my hand.