Raymond Holt quotes from Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Holt

Good morning Karly, Tani, looks like you're keeping the machines running smoothly.

Whatever.

Holt

[To himself] Karly will be the first to go.

Holt

Here's everything you need to know.

Boyle

It's blank?

Holt

It's a metaphor! You get nothing, You lose! Good Day, Sir!

Jake

Well, frankly, I pity the lot of you. You look out there and see a problem, I look out there and see an opportunity. I'm gonna slide on that slippery floor all the way from Holt's office to the elevator.

Diaz

You're gonna do the F.B.P.!

Jake

That's right, Rosa. I'm doing the Full Bullpen!

Jake

Here we go.

Terry

[in slow motion] Yes!

[in slow motion] Nooooo!!!!

Jake

[in slow motion] OOOOHHH!!!

Holt

[in slow motion] What?

Jake

Hold on, I can't stop!

Holt

THE FULL BULLPEN!

Holt

I don't need Monty Hall ruining my place at work when Monty Hall has already ruined my home life.

Diaz

Come on, sir. The math thing isn't the problem. The night shift is keeping you and Kevin apart. You two just need to bone.

Amy

[Mortified squeak]

Holt

What did you say?

Amy

[whispers] Don't say it again.

Diaz

I said you two need to bone.

Holt

How DARE YOU, DETECTIVE DIAZ. I AM YOUR SUPERIOR OFFICER!

Holt

BONE!!!!

Holt

What happens in my bedroom, Detective, is none of your business.

Holt

BONE??!!

Holt

Don't ever speak to me like that again.

Amy

Why did you do that?

Diaz

Dude was pent up. Now he knows. Problem solved.

Amy

Oh, Captain! I know you don't wanna talk about Monty Hall, but I did contact a Math professor.

Holt

No need, Santiago, it's all good.

Amy

So the fight with Kevin is over?

Holt

Yup!

Amy

Because you understand the math now?

Holt

Nope!

Diaz

Because you guys...

Holt

Yup!

Diaz

I knew it. [Diaz goes to leave but quickly turns back to Amy] See what happened is your dads had sex.

Amy

[Amy quickly stands up to leave] Okay, Rosa!

Hello. We're here to honor Captain Jason Stentley, who single-handedly brought down a major drug ring. So it is my pleasure to bestow upon him the Medal of Honor. Captain Stentley.

Bestow me, baby! Oh, wow. That's a lotta people. Uh... Baba-booie! Cornholio! That's it for my prepared remarks. Any questions?

Will taking down one drug dealer make a big difference in the overall level of drugs moving into the city?

No idea. Next!

What's your philosophy for dealing with international narcotics supply chains?

Didn't understand the question. Next!

Why was Flaco targeted for this operation?

Okay, there's a question I can answer. Uh, uh- well, it all started because I lost a huge bag of cocaine, so I totally biffed it. Uh-

Thank you, Captain. That is- that's plenty.

Jake

That was a train wreck.

Holt

Yes, he never should've been put in that position. Whoever recommended him for the medal and called all those reporters really messed up. [Smiles]

Jake

Wait, what are you saying?

Holt

Oh, nothing. It just seems as if CJ has been... overmined.

Jake

And you used my made-up word!

Holt

I did. I hated it, "overmined!" [Sighs] What have I become? Was this whole thing even worth it?

Jake

It was no snacksident.

Jake

What the hell, Judy? I thought we were friends!

Doug Judy

I don't know why you thought that.

Jake

Because you kept saying we were! We had hard plans to go to Niagara Falls!

So bro, you friends with this cop?

Doug Judy

No. This thirsty-ass bitch just desperate for attention.

Jake

"Thirsty-ass bitch"? Okay, Captain, now I know you're gonna step in to defend me.

Holt

Well, you were begging me to compliment you earlier.

Jake

Oh, my God, this is the worst day of my life! Where's Charles?

So if you're not friends, you won't mind if I waste 'im, right?

Jake

Of course he minds! I mean, sure, we're enemies, but in a playful way. Like Tom and Jerry. Oh, my God, was Tom trying to eat Jerry? My whole life is a lie!

Doug Judy

Shoot 'im.

Jake

No, no, no! Those can't be my last words! Uh, ¡ay, caramba!

The hell?

Doug Judy

Whoops. Looks like someone forgot to put bullets in his brother's gun.

Holt

I just got off the phone with the D.A. And for aiding in the capture of George Judy, you have officially been granted immunity from all your past crimes.

Doug Judy

So I'm a free man?

Holt

[Nods] Mm.

Doug Judy

Nope. Still smells the same.

Jake

I'm sorry that I doubted you. But you did drive off with the guy we were chasing.

Doug Judy

Had to. I saw he was about to get away, so I tricked him into thinking I was on his side. It's crazy how good I am at your job.

Holt

Look, I owe you both an apology. Doug Judy, I underestimated your honesty. And Peralta, I underestimated your instincts.

Jake

Yeah, I'm gonna need a lot more from you than that.

Holt

Fine. You're a good cop, even if you are a thirsty-ass bitch.

Jake

Wow. Solve a pretty intense murder and just crap all over me.

Doug Judy

Hey, Cap'n, got you a little somethin'-somethin'. [Pulls the cover off a nearby car, revealing a red 1963 Chevrolet Corvair Monza Spyder convertible.]

Holt

Gertie?

Doug Judy

Nope. But she is the same make, model, and color.

Holt

Oh, my God, you stole this! I can't be seen driving a stolen-

Doug Judy

Relax, man. I bought this at a used car lot for, like, $600. This is not a nice vehicle.

Jake

Yeah, it's not.

Doug Judy

And by the way, her name's not Gertie. It's Sexarella.

Holt

Hello, Sexarella.

Diaz

Are they gonna be looking at our desks? Also, unrelated, someone left a bunch of swords at my desk.

Hitchcock

I have a similar question about browser history.

Holt

Just throw your computer away.

Hitchcock

Roger that.

All right, everyone. As you know, the NYPD intends to shutter one precinct in Brooklyn. I'll be evaluating the 9-9 and sending my findings to the Deputy Commissioner. Any questions?

Terry

Yeah. Veronica, are you sure you're the best person for the job, given your and my...

Boyle

Sexual past?

Terry

[visibly annoyed] Thank you, Detective Boyle.

Sergeant Jeffords, don't be silly. I won't let our past interfere with my assessment in any way, whatsoever.

Holt

Well, that's certainly good to hear.

I mean, sure, it took me years of intense therapy to get over, and it's given me a fear of intimacy that has affected every subsequent relationship. But that does not mean that I cannot remain unbiased.

Jake

The way you say that, it kind of makes it sound like you actually are biased.

[Menacingly] I have no idea what you mean. That is all.

Terry

I see you filming, Linetti! What's in the yogurt?

Gina

Normal stuff. Nothing you'd use to make a sidewalk with.

Holt

Attention, squad. I just got word from Peralta and Boyle.

Amy

Did they make their bust? Did they save the precinct?

Holt

No, they decided to bring in a bigger fish. They're not gonna make the hearing.

Diaz

So Jake's doing the right thing instead of the selfish thing? [To Amy] You did this to him.

Holt

Look, I know we want this precinct to survive, but I'm proud of them. Loyalty to your friends and fellow officers is important, but what's more important is our loyalty to this city, and its citizens. I guess what I'm trying to say is... let's go get drunk.

Holt

Apparently the community came to our aid. There was a swell of online support orchestrated by an organization called "Ginazone".

Gina

I think you mean "Ginazon". I was behind the bar the whole time. Another great Gina Linetti entrance.

I told you- you can't be back here.

Gina

And I told you- I already am!

Jake

What did you do?

Gina

I was live-streaming a prank when Captain Holt made his big speech about how you did the right thing for the city. I guess people were moved, they were like, "What can we do to help?" and I said "Call the Commissioner's office."

Jake

The G-Hive is real! I can't believe you did it! Gina, you're a legend! To the Nine-Nine!

To the Nine-Nine!

Gina

[live-streaming the prank with her phone] Y'ALL JUST DRANK CEMEEEEENT!

Jake

Okay, but in my defense Rosa bet me fifty cents I couldn't drink all that shampoo.

Holt

That's not what I want- you drank shampoo?

Jake

What? No. You're the one farting bubbles.

Holt

Do you know what disappoints me most about this picture? That I'm not in it. I can't remember the last time I saw the 9-9 so happy. And I wasn't there.

Jake

Because you were working on the presentation, to get us a win.

Holt

Yeah, well, it wasn't a real win. I wish I'd been in that photo.

Jake

I know. And I'm sorry you didn't have more fun this weekend. But it's not over. And we are still in Rochester.

Holt

What are you saying?

Jake

I think you know what I'm saying.

Holt

Diaz, I've been calling you. Why won't you answer your phone?

Diaz

Don't have it. Charged it and stuck it on a truck headed west.

Holt

What's with the suitcase?

Diaz

Going to Malaysia.

Holt

You're going to Malaysia?

Diaz

No, the suitcase is going to Malaysia. I'm getting on a bus to Florida.

Holt

What's in Florida?

Diaz

Airport. I'm flying to Argentina.

Holt

This is very complicated.

Diaz

Thank you. Adrian has a ranch in the Andes where he goes when he's on the run. He's already there, getting rid of the scorpions. Or... adding more scorpions. I don't know, the reception was real bad.

Holt

Diaz, I know you're scared. But things are starting to turn around. We're on the money trail, and we just found a new lead.

Diaz

With all due respect, sir, we both know that none of that is gonna pan out. And you said yourself that I should take action. So I am. In Argentina, surrounded by scorpions. Or not surrounded by scorpions. I'll find out when I get there.

Holt

Look, I know you're innocent, but fleeing the country is a crime. I could arrest you right here!

Diaz

Do it, then. [Holt stares at her but does nothing] I didn't think so. [Tosses Holt an apartment key] The mortgage is paid off. You can give the place to whoever you want. I don't care. Actually, I do care. Don't give it to Hitchcock.

Terry

So how's prison?

Rosa

Nobody likes cops in here so I had to earn their respect by starting a bunch of riots, I got thrown in solitary for a week, what's going on with your face?

Terry

I hate seeing you like this so I'm flexing my eyes real hard to keep from crying. It's okay, we can still have a normal conversation. So, how's the food?

Holt

Pay no attention to him, Rosa. He's very emotional, Rosa.

Rosa

Why are you saying my first name?

Holt

Well, Rosa... I read an article on the medical journal that said one destabilizing aspect of incarceration is the constant dehumanization, Rosa. You need to be reminded that you're more than just a number, Rosa. You are Rosa... Rosa.

Rosa

Yeah, that fixes prison.

Terry

Is there anything we can do to help you? Anything you need done on the outside?

Rosa

No, I'm good.

Terry

It's not a problem...

Holt

...Rosa.

Terry

We're here for you...

Holt

...Rosa.

Terry

Whatever you need...

Holt

...Rosa.