Percy quotes from Blackadder

Well, I suppose this is what comes of being a witch.

Mother, I'm not a witch!

Oh, Edmund, you always were a bit of a fibber.

Mother, I beg of you: use whatever power you have to help me.

I haven't had any power for years, you know.

But Father's sick! You must do something, otherwise...

Otherwise what?

Well, otherwise, I'll be burnt!

Ah, yes, this would be a pity.

Well, thanks.

I'll see if I can sort out something. [leaves]

Percy

My lord, I had an idea how to get out of this.

Yes?

Percy

Send for all the greatest lawyers in the land, and they could save you!

Brilliant! Contact them at once.

Percy

I've already done it, My Lord! [holding up some pages of paper]

Oh, Percy, thank you! Are those the letters?

Percy

[a bit reluctant] Er, yes...

Read them.

Percy

[more reluctant] Very well. Erm, this is from Robert Wyatt in Somerset: [reading] "What you ask is against reason and God. I spit on you and your master, and look forward to passing water over both your graves at a later date."

Yes... [looks at another one, held by Baldrick] What does that one say?

Baldrick

It's from John Watts.

Oh, "Stinker" Watts!

Baldrick

[reading, although Percy puts forward a hand as though he'd rather it wasn't read] "Dear Percy: I remember being at school with Prince Edmund and yourself, and so was very interested by your letter".

Yes?

Baldrick

"May you both die horribly. Yours, John Watts."

Oh no, I'm doomed!

Baldrick

Wait a moment, My Lord! I have a cunning plan that cannot fail!

Oh! What is it?

Baldrick

Well-

My wife was wondering whether you'd like to come round for dinner tonight.

No, thanks.

Why not?

Well, the food tastes like manure, and, frankly, I find you both very boring.

Oh, fair enough. How about next Thursday, then?

Er, yeah, that's lovely, yeah. About half eight?

Yeah, all right, be there.

Brilliant! [laughs, and shakes Baldrick's hand] Well done, Baldrick! Very cunning! You may capture the eagle, but you cannot clip its wings!

By the way, how's that eagle of yours?

Oh, fine, fine. Mind you, I had a bit of trouble to start with, but, now I've clipped its wings, no problem!

Glad to hear it.

Tomorrow, I shall not be so meek! [laughs]

[rushes to the bars to talk to the guards] Look, erm, you two, you wouldn't perhaps consider, for a pretty hefty reward, perhaps letting us-

...Escape...

...by dressing up as washer women...

...washer women...

...and carrying us out in three large wicker laundry baskets?

...three large wicker laundry baskets...

No, I suppose not. [goes back into the cell]

[to Anon] Here comes the wife.

Hello, Edmund.

Hello, dear...

[giggles] You look funny!

Yes-I've had all my hair cut off.

Oh yes, that's it.

Look, there's no news of a reprieve, is there?

Oh, no, everyone's really looking forward to it. Hello, boys.

Good morning, Your Majesty...

I have to go to my room, which isn't fair, but, in fact... [steps forward, leans closer to them]

[excited] Yes?

I think I might even get a better view from the window!

[disappointed] Oh, great...

Well, I think I better be going. [turns to leave, but the Queen mouths to her, "Don't forget something," so she turns back] Oh yes, your mummy asked me to give you this. [holds out a bag]

[excited again, eagerly tries to take out what's inside] Oh great! What is it, a knife? A file? A small bucket of water?

[giggles] No, silly! It's a dolly.

So it is. Yes it is. Great, great. It's just what we needed.

Goodbye, Edmund. [she and the Queen begin to walk out]

Goodbye, dear. [surprised that his mother didn't say her last goodbye] Mother!

Yes? Oh, bye bye, dear. [she and Leia leave]

Prince Harry

I suppose, really, this must be one of the most difficult parts of the job for you.

[disinterested] Yes.

Prince Harry

And for the witch, as well.

Of course. [takes the torch out of the kindling as the crowd cheers]

Baldrick

My Lord, I have a cunning plan.

Oh, [coughs] off, Baldrick! I think I might be able to stall him.

Well, Grumbledook, your time has come. Do you wish to confess?

Er, no.

Very well. [moves to light the pyre]

Wait, yes! Yes, I do!

CONFESSION!

I would like to confess in front of God, and this rather small crowd, that I have, on occasion, done things wrong.

Be more specific.

Well, I have erred and strayed like a lost ox-

Sheep!

Er, sheep. I have, uh, coveted my father's adultery.

Get on with it!

I...I have not honored my neighbor's ass.

Oh, light the fires!

I'm a witch! I'm a witch!

Percy

Me too! Me too!

Oh, damn, I'm not even comfortable. [drops the doll into the fire; it is of a hooded figure with bright red eyes carrying a large cross]

[suddenly dropping the torch] Agh! How fast this heat travels! [shielding himself from the fire with his cloak]

Prince Harry

[isn't looking] Yes, it is a touch warm, isn't it?

I feel as if I am on fire!

Prince Harry

[still isn't looking] I know, I'm rather regretting my choice of undergarments, as well.

I'm burning! I'm burning! I'm burning!

Prince Harry

[still isn't even looking] Yes, but I expect you're jolly glad of that cloak in the winter. [Witchsmeller staggers around, on fire; he finally notices the Witchsmeller burning to death] Good lord!

Well done, Baldrick!

Percy

Yes, that was a close shave. [runs his hand across his shaven head] Thank you, Baldrick.

Percy

Sorry I'm late!

Oh, don't bother apologising. I'm sorry you're alive.

Percy

Not bad, Edmund. Ah, I see the target's ready. I'd like to see the Spaniard who could make his way past me.

Well, go to Spain. There are millions of them.

Percy

I advise them to stay there then, keep their hands off our women.

Oh god, who is she this time?

Percy

I don't know what you mean.

[swipes the pink note sticking out of Percy's tunic, opens it and kicks Percy when he tries to take it back] Ah, and who is Jane?

Percy

I am sworn to secrecy. Torture me, kill me, you shall never know. [Blackadder, without looking, kicks him in the groin] Jane Harrington! We are very much in love, my lord.

This is the Jane Harrington?

Percy

Yes.

Jane "Bury-Me-In-A-Y-Shaped-Coffin" Harrington?

Percy

Um, I think maybe there are two Jane Harringtons.

No, tall, blonde, elegant?

Percy

That's right.

Goes like a privy door when the plague's in town?

Percy

My lord!

Go on, get on with your shot. You'll get over her. I did. [Percy, breathing heavily to calm himself, readies his shot] So did Baldrick, actually.

Percy

Damn!

See, she's got this thing about beards, apparently.

Percy

Well, in that case, I'm going to shave!

What are you wearing around your neck?

Percy

Ah, it's my new ruff!

You look like a bird who's swallowed a plate.

Percy

It's the latest fashion, actually, and as a matter of fact, it makes me look rather sexy!

To another plate-swallowing bird, perhaps. If it was blind and hadn't had it in months.

Percy

I think you may be wrong.

You're a sad, laughable figure, aren't you, Percy? Baldrick, what do you think of Percy's new ruff?

Baldrick

Four!

What?

Baldrick

Some beans and some beans is four beans.

No, now we've moved on from advanced mathematics, we're on to elementary dress-making. What do you think of Percy's new ruff?

Baldrick

I think he looks like a bird who's swallowed a plate, my Lord.

No, that's what I think. What do you think? Try to have a thought of your own, Baldrick; thinking is so important. What do you think?

Baldrick

I think thinking is so important, my Lord.

I give up! I'm off to see the Queen.

Percy

Should I come too?

No, best not. People might think we're friends. You stay here with Baldrick. Bird-Neck and Bird-Brain should get on like a house on fire.

Now. I want to run a fast, efficient operation and I intend to do as little work as possible. My deputy Percy here will explain.

Percy

[gets on a box] Good afternoon, staff. My name is Lord Percy. If you play fair by me, you'll find me a considerable employer. But if you cross me, by Jove-!

Just tell them the plan, duckface.

Right, Baldrick, is that all clear?

Baldrick

Yes. Um, I've killed someone I shouldn't have killed, and now you want me to put a lady on my head and talk to his old bag.

I want you to put a bag on your head and talk to his old lady.

Baldrick

Oh. Why do I want a bag on my head?

In order, nincompoop, that she should believe that you're her husband.

Baldrick

What, did he used to wear a bag on his head?

Young Ploppy here has a point, my lord. Lord Farrow never wore a bag. He was an old-fashioned sort of a gent.

Percy

Well, yes, my lord. I mean, I hadn't meant to mention it, but I had been wondering all along why you should think Baldrick with a bag on his head is going to be a dead ringer for Lord Farrow, because he's not!

Look, cretins, the bag is there to conceal Baldrick's own features, and many might think, incidentally, that that might be reason enough for him to wear it! Before I bring in Lady Farrow, I shall explain to her, inventing some cunningly plausible excuse, that her husband has taken to wearing a bag. She can then chat to Baldrick, imagining him to be the man she married, and the Queen need never know of my little miscalculation.

Why, my lord, that is a brilliant plan.

Percy

Foolproof.

You're very kind.

Although, there is something lurking in the back of my head that bothers me...

It's probably a flea.

Percy, this is a very difficult situation.

Percy

Yes, my lord.

Someone's for the chop. You or me, in fact.

Percy

[uneasily] Y-yes.

Let's face facts, Perc' – it's you.

Percy

Except, I may have a plan!

Oh, yes?

Percy

How about if we get Farrow's head and body and we take it to the Queen, except, just before we get in, we start shouting and screaming, and we come in and say "We were just on our way when he tried to escape, and so we cut his head off in the corridor to teach him a lesson."?

Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. Contemptible. Worth a try. Where'd we put the head?

Percy

It's on a spike in Traitors' Cloister.

Oh god, that's where the Queen's gone! Did she know Farrow?

Percy

Oh yes, they were childhood friends.

Well, if she sees his head on a spike, she'll realize he's dead! You fetch the body. I'll cover the head.

Percy

I've got the body, my lord, and I see you've got the head.

Yes, but it's not going to work, Percy. No one's going to believe we've just cut it off. It's gone green! We're doomed.

Percy

Doomed! [looks at the head] Wait a moment, that's not Farrow.

Isn't it?

Percy

No, that's Ponsonby!

My god, Ponsonby! [kisses the head] That genius Baldrick has killed the wrong bloke! We're saved!

Percy

Saved!

Farrow is alive and we're saved!

Percy

Hooray!

And when the Queen gets back from seeing Ponsonby, we'll...OH GOD! [runs off towards the dungeon]

Percy

WE'RE DOOMED! [runs off after Edmund]

Percy

I'm not coming. I'm just not coming. Of course, I'm very keen to go on the trip. It's just I've got an appointment. To have my nostrils plucked. Next year.

Baldrick

I'm sorry, m'lord. I thought it was 'cause your were a complete coward.

Percy

[laughs nervously] Don't be ridiculous, Baldrick. You know me. I laugh in the face of fear and tweak the nose of the dreadful spindly killer fish. I'm not one of your milksops who's scared out of his mind by the mere sight of water. [Baldrick offers a mug of water; screams] YES, ALL RIGHT, I ADMIT IT, I ADMIT IT, I'M TERRIFIED! You see, Baldrick, when I was a baby...I was savaged by a turbot! Oh, Baldrick, you can't think of a way to get me out of this, can you?

Baldrick

You could hide, m'lord.

Percy

Hide. Brilliant! Where?

Baldrick

Um...in the box!

Percy

Which one?

Baldrick

That one.

Percy

Perfect! [climbs into the box] Let's practice. Edmund comes in and says "Hello, Baldrick. Have you seen Percy?". And you say?

Baldrick

Uh, no, my lord, I haven't seen him all day.

Percy

Brilliant! Oh my god, here he comes! [closes the lid of the box]

[walks in] Oh, hello, Balders. Where the hell's that cretin, Percy? You haven't seen him, have you?

Baldrick

[struggles to remember what he was supposed to say, then replies...] Yes, my lord, he's hiding in the box!

[bangs on the box] Come on, jelly brain! Hurry up or we'll miss the tide!

Captain Rum

AaaaAAA-ha!

Ha-a-a-ha!

Baldrick

Ha-aaa-aaaa-ha!

Not joining us in the ha-has, Percy?

Percy

[despondant] No. I'm thinking of England and the girl I left behind me.

Oh God, I didn't know you had a girl.

Percy

Oh yes. Lady Caroline Fairfax.

Caroline? I didn't know you knew her.

Percy

Oh yes. I even touched her once.

Touched her what?

Percy

No, once, in a corridor.

I've never heard it called that before. Still, when you get home in six months, you'll be a hero. She might even let you get your hands on her twice.

Percy

I fear not.

Why not?

Percy

[hysterical] Because we'll never get home! We're doomed! Doomed! Condemned to a watery grave by a legless captain!

Captain Rum

Rubbish! I've hardly touched a drop!

Percy

No, I mean you haven't got any legs.

Captain Rum

Oh yes. You're right there. Carry on. Sorry.

Percy

[despondant] Oh, God. We've no hope. No hope of ever returning.

On the contrary, we are certain to return.

Percy

Why?

Because, me old salts, we are not going to the Cape of Good Hope at all.

[shocked] What?!

We are, in fact, going to France.

[shocked] France?!

Percy

Oh, but, Edmund, surely France has already been discovered. By the French, for a start.

Well, precisely, it's a trick! We just camp down in the Dordogne for six months, get a good suntan, come home, pretend we've been 'round the Cape and get all the glory.

Percy

Hooray!

Captain Rum

A masterly plan, me young master! And one that leads me to make an announcement meself.

What's that, Rum?

Captain Rum

Truth is...I don't know the way to the Cape of Good Hope anyway.

Well, what were you going to do?

Captain Rum

Oh, what I usually do - sail 'round and 'round the Isle of Wight 'til everyone gets dizzy, then sail for home.

You old rascal! Still, who cares? The day after tomorrow, we shall be in Calais. [gets to his feet and raises his mug] Captain, set sail for France!

Hooray!

[slowly] So you don't know the way to France either.

Captain Rum

No! I must confess that too.

Bugger.

Is Captain Rum joining us for this Bring-A-Sample party?

Percy

Oh no, he's been swigging his for ages. Says he likes it. Actually, come to think of it, he started before the water ran out.

Edmund! You're alive!

Oh yes.

And your silly friend.

Percy

[bows] Lord Percy, Ma'am.

And your monkey!

Baldrick

[bows] Your Majesty.

But where is Captain Rum?

Ah, bad news, Milady, Rum is dead.

Percy

Do not despair, good woman. He died a hero's death, giving his life so that his friends might live.

And that his enemies might have something to go with their potatoes.

Nursie

You mean they put him in the pot?!

Yes, your fiancé was only a third-rate sailor, but a first-rate second course. [Nursie starts crying again] However, we did manage to save something of him as a memento. [hands Nursie Captain Rum's beard]

Nursie

Oh, my lucky stars! I shall wear it always to remind me of him. [puts the beard on]

[to Lord Melchett] What is it?

A stick.

Is it a stick, Lord Blackadder?

Ah, yes, Ma'am. But it is a very special stick, because, when you throw it away, it comes back!

Well, that's no good, is it? Because when I throw things away, I don't want them to come back! [to Percy] You! Get rid of it.

Percy

Certainly, Ma'am. [throws it into the corridor]

Percy

Do not despair, for I have some small savings carefully harvested from my weekly allowance. By lucky hap, it is just over a thousand, and has, for years, been hidden, beyond the wit of any thief, in an old sock....

...under the squeaky floorboard...

...behind the kitchen dresser.

Percy

[uneasily] You've seen it?

Seen it, pinched it, spent it! Same goes for those two farthings Baldrick thinks he's got hidden inside that mouldy potato.

Baldrick

Oh, bloody hell!

Percy

Then you are doomed. Alas. For God's sake, let us sit upon the carpet and tell sad stories.

Certainly not! When Lord Blackadder is in trouble, he does not sit about!

Baldrick

You won't be able to sit about with a spike up your bottom.

That's true. Still, I've got eighty-five quid and that's a start. I'm sure I'll think of something as long as I'm not disturbed...

[enters] My lord, the Queen does demand your urgent presence, on pain of death.

Oh, damn, the path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the devil's own satanic herd!