Percy quotes from Blackadder

Percy

I intend to discover, this very afternoon, the secret of alchemy - the hidden art of turning base things into gold.

I see. And the fact that this secret has eluded the most intelligent of men since the dawn of time doesn't dampen your spirits?

Percy

Oh no. I like a challenge!

My God! This place stinks like a pair of armoured trousers after the Hundred Years War. Baldrick, have you been eating dung again?!

Percy

[comes out of the den, frazzled and slightly burnt] My lord! Success!

What?

Percy

[leads Edmund into the den, where alchemical apparatus has been arranged on the table, with Baldrick pumping the bellows] After literally an hour's ceaseless searching, I have succeeded in creating gold! Pure gold!

Are you sure?

Percy

Yes, my lord! Behold...

Percy, it's green.

Percy

That's right, my lord!

Yes, Percy, I don't want to be pedantic, but the colour of gold is gold. That's why it's called "gold". What you have discovered, if it has a name, is some "green".

Percy

[amazed; takes the green out of the pot and holds it reverently in his hands] Oh, Edmund, can it be true? That I hold here, in my mortal hand, a nugget of purest green?

Indeed you do, Percy. Except it's not really a nugget, but more of a splat.

Percy

Well, yes, a splat today, but tomorrow, who knows, or dares to dream!

So we three alone in all the world can create the finest green at will?

Percy

Thus so. [aside] Not sure about counting in Baldrick, actually.

Of course, you know what your great discovery means, don't you, Percy?

Percy

Perhaps, my lord...

That you, Percy, Lord Percy, are an utter berk. Baldrick, pack my bags. I'm gonna sell the house.

[shocked] What?!

There's nothing else for it. I mean, I shall miss the old place. I've had some happy times here, when you and Percy have been out, but needs must when the devil vomits into your kettle. Baldrick, go forth into the street and let it be known that Lord Blackadder wishes to sell his house. Percy, just go forth into the street.

The sort of person we're looking for is an aggressive drunken lout with the intelligence of a four-year old and the sexual sophistication of a donkey.

Percy

[thinks and writes] Cardinal Wolsey...

Baldrick! [Baldrick enters, now with a mouse tied to the end of his nose] Why?

Baldrick

I got fed up with the all-mouse diet, my lord. I thought I'd try cat for variety.

Right, now let's make this absolutely clear: we are having two parties here tonight.

Right.

And they must be kept completely separate.

Right.

Firstly, a total piss-up involving beer-throwing, broken furniture and wall-to-wall vomiting to be held here in Baldrick's bedroom.

Baldrick

Oh, thank you very much, my lord.

Secondly, Percy will join me in here for the gourmet turnip eating. Is the Turnip Surprise ready?

Baldrick

[cracking up] Yes it is, my lord.

And what is so funny?

Percy

[cracking up] Well, my lord, while Baldrick and I were preparing the Turnip Surprise, we had a surprise. We came across a turnip that was exactly the same shape...as a thingy!

[deadpan] A thingy?

Baldrick

[cracking up] A great big thingy! It was teriffic!

Size is no guarantee of quality, Baldrick. Most horses are very well-endowed, but that does not make them unusually sensitive lovers. I trust you have removed this 'hilarious' item?

Yes.

Good, because there's nothing more like to stop an inheritance than a thingy-shaped turnip.

Percy

Oh, absolutely, Edmund. [cracking up] But it was jolly funny!

Baldrick

I found it particularly ironic, my lord, 'cause I've got a thingy that's shaped like a turnip.

[annoyed] What fun. Perhaps you've forgotten that I'm meant to be having a drinking competition tonight with Lord Melchett and ten thousand florins are at stake!

Baldrick

Oh dear.

What do you mean?

Baldrick

Well, firstly, you haven't got ten thousand florins, and thirdly, one drop of the ale and you fall flat on your face and sing that song about the goblin.

Nonsense. But just in case it's true-

Baldrick

It is true-

Yes, alright, it's true! So the plan is, when I call for my 'incredibly strong ale', you must pass me water in an ale bottle. Got that?

Baldrick

Yeah, when you call for ale, I pass water.

Percy, your job is to stay here and suck up to my aunt.

Percy

Oh, I think you can trust me to know how to handle a woman.

Oh, God. [hears a knock at the door] Right, here goes.

Uncle! Aunt! Greetings! How nice it is to see you again. [kisses her cheeks]

[slaps him twice on the cheek] Wicked child, don't lie! Everyone hates us, and you know it!

Er, yes. Uh, may I introduce my friend, Lord Percy.

Percy

Well, well, well, Eddie. You didn't tell me you had such a good-looking aunt. Good morrow to thee, gorgeousness. I know what I like, and I like what I see.

[slaps him on the cheek] Begone, Satan!

Yes, well, I hope you had a pleasant inheritance. Did I say "inheritance"? I meant "journey". [enters his room] If you'd just like to help yourselves to a legacy, uh, a chair.

Chair?! You have chairs in your house?!

Oh yes.

[slaps him twice on the cheek] Wicked child! Chairs are an invention of Satan! In our house, Nathaniel sits on a spike.

And yourself?

I sit on Nathaniel. Two spikes would be an extravagance.

Well, quite.

[sits down] We shall suffer comfort this once. We'll just have to stick forks in our legs between courses. I trust you remember we eat no meat?

Heaven forbid! Here we feast only on God's lovely turnip, mashed.

Mashed?!

[uneasily] Yes?

[slaps him twice on the cheek] Wicked child! Mashing is also the work of Beelzebub! For Satan saw God's blessed turnip, and he envied it and mashed it to spoil its sacred shape! I shall have my turnip as God intended.

Fine. Baldrick!

Baldrick

My lord?

Will you fetch my dear aunt a raw turnip, please.

Baldrick

But we've only got the-

Just do it. [to Lord Whiteadder] So, Uncle, will you have your turnip as God intended?

He will not answer you. He has taken a vow of silence. I believe that silence is golden.

Let us discuss your inheritance.

Ah, yes, good. Um, a little drink first, perhaps?

Drink?! [slaps him twice on the cheek] Wicked child! Drink is urine for the last leper in Hell!

No, no, this is only water. This is a house of simple purity.

[stumbles back to the door] Great booze-up, Edmund! [staggers out into the hallway, giving a loud cheer]

Do you know that man?

[quickly] No.

He called you 'Edmund'.

Oh, know him? Oh yes, I do.

Then can you explain what he meant by "great booze-up"?

[thinks for nearly a whole minute. Haltingly] Yes, I can. My friend is a missionary, and on his last visit abroad, brought back with him the chief of a famous tribe. His name is Great Boo. He's been suffering from sleeping sickness, and he's obviously just woken. Because, as you heard, Great Boo's up.

Percy

Well done, Edmund.

And I think I might just go and visit him. Percy, over to you.

[comes back, now very drunk, and wearing the cardinal's hat] Percy, I lost the bet.

[shocked] Edmund, explain yourself!

I can't. Not just like that. I'm a complicated person, you see, Auntie. Sometimes I'm nice, and sometimes I'm nasty! Hehe! And sometimes I just like to sing little songs like, See the little goblin-

I mean explain why you are wearing a cardinal's hat, why you are grinning inanely, and... [Edmund falls over onto a chair with his back facing the table] ...why you have an ostrich feather sticking out of your britches.

I'm wearing a cardinal's hat because I'm Cardinal Chunder. I have an ostrich feather up my bottom because Mr. Ostrich put it there to keep in the little pixies. And I'm grinning inanely because I think I've just about succeeded in conning you and your daft husband out of a whopping great inheritance. Eeheeheeheeheehee!

Is that right?! May I remind you, cursed creature, that your inheritance depends upon not drinking and not gambling!

Oh yes. Damn. Percy, the devil farts in my face once more.

Not mentioning farts was also a condition.

Shove off, you old trout.

[offended] How dare you speak to my husband like that! Nathaniel, we're leaving! [to Percy] And you.

Percy

Yes?

Has anyone ever told you you're a giggling imbecile?

Percy

Oh, yes.

Good.

Good riddance, you old witch. [a knock on the door] Oops, she's forgotten her broomstick.

[opens the door; breaking the vow of silence] Look... [looks behind him, then turns back to Blackadder] I just wanted to say thanks for a splendid evening! Yes, first rate all around. Particularly your jester. By the way, I loved the turnip. [snickers] Very funny. Exactly the same shape as a thingy! [leaves]

[deep voice] Yo ho ho, off with their heads!

Percy

Ma'am, it is brilliant! Your father is born again!

[normal voice] Let's bally well hope not, or else I won't be queen anymore.

Percy

Welcome, Edmund. Did you...miss me?

I certainly did. Many is the time I said to myself "I wish Percy was here..."

Percy

[ecstatic] Oh!

"...being tortured instead of me."

Percy

[still ecstatic] Oh, we have missed your wit!

Baldrick

Did you miss me, my lord?

Um...Baldrick, is it?

Baldrick

That's right.

No, not really.

And me? Did you miss me, Edmund?

Madame, life without you was like a broken pencil.

[confused] Explain...?

Pointless.