Baldrick quotes from Blackadder

Baldrick, I would like to say how much I will miss your honest, friendly companionship...

Baldrick

[touched] Aw, thank you, Mister B.

...but as we both know, it would be an utter lie. I will therefore content myself with saying "Sod off", and if I ever meet you again, it'll be 20 billion years too soon. [leaves]

Baldrick

[to himself] Goodbye, you lazy, big-nosed, rubber-faced bastard.

[re-enters] I think, Baldrick, you will soon be eating those badly chosen words. I wouldn't bet a single groat that you could survive five minutes here without me.

Baldrick

Oh, come on, Mr. B. It's not like we're gonna get murdered the minute you leave, is it?

Hope springs eternal, Baldrick. [leaves again]

Baldrick

Don't you worry, Mr. B. I have a cunning plan to solve your problem.

Yes, Baldrick, let us not forget you tried to solve the problem of your mother's low ceiling by cutting off her head.

Baldrick

But this is a really good one. You become a dashing highwayman, then you can pay all your bills, and on top of that, everyone'll want to sleep with you.

Baldrick, I could become a prostitute and pay my bills and everyone would want to sleep with me, but I do consider certain professions beneath me. Besides which, I fail to see why a common thief should be idolized just because he's got a horse between his legs.

[slams a large book shut] Oh god.

Baldrick

Something wrong, Mr. B?

I can't find a single person suitable to marry the prince.

Baldrick

Oh, please keep trying. I love a royal wedding. The excitement, the crowds, the souvenir mugs. Worrying about whether the bride's lost weight.

Unlikely with this lot, I'm afraid. If the prince had stipulated "Must weigh a quarter of a tonne", we'd be laughing. Of the two-hundred and sixty-two princesses in Europe, a hundred and sixty-five are over eighty, they're out. Forty-seven are under ten, they're out. Thirty-nine are mad.

Baldrick

Well, they sound ideal.

Well, they would be if they hadn't all got married last week to the same horse. Which leave us with two.

Baldrick

What about them?

Well, there's Grand Duchess Sophia of Turin. We'll never get her to marry him.

Baldrick

Why not?

Because she's met him.

Baldrick

Which leaves?

Caroline of Brunswick is the only available princess in Europe.

Baldrick

What's wrong with her?

[suddenly shouting] "Get more coffee! It's horrid, change it! Take me roughly from behind! No, not like that, like this! Trousers down! Tackle out! Walk the dog! Where's my presents?!"

Baldrick

Alright! Which one do you want me to do first?

No, that's what Caroline's like. She's famous for having the worst personality in Germany. And as you can imagine, that's up against some pretty stiff competition.

Baldrick

So, you're stuck, then.

Yes, I am. Unless...pass me the paper, Baldrick. [opens it] Baldrick, why has half the front page been cut out?

Baldrick

I don't know.

You do know, don't you?

Baldrick

Yes.

You've been cutting out the cuttings about the elusive 'Shadow' to put in your highwayman's scrapbook, haven't you?

Baldrick

Oh, I can't help it, Mr. B.! His life is so dark and shadowy and full of fear and trepidation!

So is going to the toilet in the middle of the night, but you don't keep a scrapbook on it.

Baldrick

I do!

Let's see, Society Pages. You see, it needn't necessarily be a princess. All the prince wants is someone pretty and rich.

Baldrick

Oh dear, that rules me out, then.

Let's see..."Beau Brummel in Purple Pants Probe." "King talks to Tree. Phew, what a Loony." God, The Times has really gone downhill recently. Aha! Listen to this. "Mysterious Northern beauty Miss Amy Hardwood comes to London and spends flipping great wodges of cash." That's our baby!

I tell you, Baldrick, I'm not looking forward to this evening. Trying to serenade a light, fluffy bunny of a girl for an arrogant half-German yob with a mad dad.

Baldrick

Well, he is the Prince of Wales.

Have you ever been to Wales, Baldrick?

Baldrick

No. But I've often thought I'd like to.

Well, don't. It's a ghastly place. Huge gangs of tough, sinewy men roam the valleys terrifying people with their close harmony singing. You need half a pint of phlegm in your throat just to pronounce the place names. Never ask for directions in Wales, Baldrick. You'll be washing spit out of your hair for a fortnight.

Baldrick

So, being prince of it isn't considered a plus?

I fear not, no. But the crucial thing is that they must never be left alone together before the wedding.

Baldrick

Isn't that a bit unfair on her?

Well, it's not exactly fair on him either. The girl is wetter than a haddock's bathing costume. But, you know, Baldrick, the world isn't fair. If it was, things like this wouldn't happen, would they? [smacks Baldrick on the back of the head]

Crisis, Baldrick! Crisis! No marriage, no money, more bills. For the first time in my life, I've decided to follow a suggestion of yours. Saddle Prince George's horse.

Baldrick

Oh, sir, you're not gonna become a highwayman, are you?

No, I'm auditioning for the part of Arnold the Bat in Sheridan's new comedy.

Baldrick

Oh, that's alright, then.

Baldrick, do you have any idea what irony is?

Baldrick

Yeah. It's like gold-y and bronze-y, only it's made of iron.

Never mind, never mind. Just saddle the prince's horse.

Baldrick

Oh, that'll be difficult. He wrapped her around that gas lamp in the Strand last night.

Well, saddle my horse, then.

Baldrick

What d'you think you've been eating for the last two months?

Well, go out into the street and hire me a horse!

Baldrick

Hire you a horse? For ninepence? On Jewish New Year in the rain? A bare fortnight after the dread Horse Plague of Old London Town? With the Blacksmith's strike in its' fifteen week and the Dorset Horse Fetish Fair tomorrow?

Right. Well, get this on, then. [shoves a bridle into Baldrick's hands] It looks as though you could do with the exercise.

Honestly, Papa. Ever since Mother died, you've tried to stop me from growing up. I'm not a little girl, I'm a grown woman. In fact, I might as well tell you now, Papa. I'm pregnant. And I'm an opium fiend. And I'm love with a poet called Shelley who's a famous whoopsy. And Mother didn't die, I killed her!

Oh. Well, never mind.

Stand and deliver!

Oh no! Oh no, no, no, no! Disaster! It's the Shadow! We're doomed! Doomed!

Ah, good evening, Duke, and the lovely Miss Cheapside. Your cash bags, please.

[hands over his money at the gunpoint] You'll never get away with this, you scoundrel! You'll be caught and damn well hung!

I think he looks pretty-

Madam, please, no jests about me being 'pretty well hung already'. We've no time.

Pity.

Now, sir, turn out your pockets.

Never, sir! A man's pockets are his own private kingdom. I'll protect them with my life!

I see. Got something embarrassing in there, have you? Perhaps a particularly repulsive handkerchief? One of these fellows who has a big blow and doesn't change it for a week? Let's have a look... [finds a handkerchief, and inside that, a jewel] Aha!

Highwayman, I also have a jewel. I fear, however, that I have placed it here, beneath my petticoat, for protection.

Well, in that case, Madam, I think I'll leave it. I'm not sure I fancy the idea of a jewel that's been in someone's pants. A single kiss of those soft lips is all I require.

Never, sir! A man's soft lips are his own private kingdom. I shall defend them with my life!

I'm not talking to you, Granddad.

Oh, I am overcome! Take me with you to live the life of the wild rogue, cuddling under haystacks and making love in the branches of tall trees!

Madam, sadly, I must decline. I fear my horse would collapse with you on top of him as well as me.

Baldrick

I could try!

No, Quicksilver, you couldn't.

Baldrick

Well, that's not fair, then! I've had you on my back for ten miles, I haven't even got a kiss out of it!

Oh, alright then. [gives Baldrick a peck on the cheek] All fair now?

Baldrick

Not really, no!

Tch, no pleasing some horses. Heigh-ho, Quicksilver!

Papa, you did nothing to defend my honour!

Oh, shut your face, you pregnant junkie fag hag!

Baldrick

Sir, what about the danger? Look, the reward's going up day by day.

I laugh in the face of danger. I drop ice cubes down the vest of fear. Things couldn't be better, Baldrick. She'll get me abroad and make me rich, then I'll probably drop her and get two hundred concubines to share my bed.

Baldrick

Wouldn't they be rather prickly?

Concubines, Baldrick, not porcupines.

Baldrick

[annoyed] I still can't believe you're leaving me behind!

Oh, don't worry, when we've established our plantation in Barbados, I'll send for you. No more sad little London for you, Balders. From now on, you will stand out in life as an individual.

Baldrick

Will I?

Of course you will; all the other slaves will be black. [heads for the door]

Mrs. Miggins

[runs into Blackadder] Mr. Blackadder! What's this I hear about you buying a bathing costume and forty gallons of coconut oil? Are you going abroad, sir?

Yep, I'm off.

Mrs. Miggins

Oh, sir! What a tragic end to all my dreams! And I'd always hoped that you'd settle down and marry me, and that together we might await the slither of tiny adders!

Mrs. M, if we were the last three humans on Earth, I'd be trying to start a family with Baldrick.

Baldrick

[entering with a letter] Mr. Blackadder?

Leave me alone, Baldrick. If I wanted to talk to a vegetable, I'd have bought one at the market.

Baldrick

Don't you want this letter, then?

No, thank you. God, I'm wasted here. It's no life for a man of noble blood, being servant to a master with the intellect of a jugged walrus and all the social graces of a potty!

Baldrick

I'm wasted too. I've been thinking of bettering myself.

Oh really, how?

Baldrick

I applied for the job of village idiot of Kensington.

Oh. Get anywhere?

Baldrick

I got down to the last two, but I failed the final interview.

Oh, what went wrong?

Baldrick

I turned up. The other bloke was such an idiot, he forgot to.

Yes, I'm afraid my ambitions stretch slightly further than professional idiocy in West London. I want to be remembered when I'm dead. I want books written about me. I want songs sung about me. And then, hundreds of years from now, I want episodes of my life to be played out weekly at half past nine by some great heroic actor of the age.

Baldrick

Yeah, and I could be played by some tiny tit in a beard.

Quite. Now, what's this message?

Baldrick

I thought you didn't want it.

Well, I may do, it depends what it is.

Baldrick

So you do want it?

Well, I don't know, do I? It depends what it is.

Baldrick

[frantically] Well, I can't tell you what it is unless you want to know, and you said you didn't want to know, and now I'm so confused, I don't know where I live or what my name is!

Your name is of no importance, and you live in the pipe in the upstairs water closet. [opens the envelope] Oh god. Was the man who gave you this, by any chance, a red-headed lunatic with a kilt and a claymore?

Baldrick

Yeah, and the funny thing is he looked exactly like you.

My mad cousin MacAdder. The most dangerous man ever to wear a skirt in Europe.

Baldrick

Yeah, he come in here playing the bagpipes, then he made a haggis, sang Auld Lang Syne and punched me in the face.

Why?

Baldrick

'Cos I called him a knock-kneed Scottish pillock.

An unwise move, Baldrick, since Mad MacAdder is a homicidal maniac.

Baldrick

My mother told me to stand up to homicidal maniacs.

Yes, if this is the same mother who confidently claimed you were a tall, handsome stallion of a man, I would treat her opinions with great care.

Baldrick

I love my mum.

And I love chops and sauce, but I don't seek their advice. I hate it when MacAdder turns up. He's such a frog-eyed, beetle-browed basket case.

Baldrick

He's the spitting image of you.

No he's not! We're about as similar as...two completely dissimilar things in a pod! [opens the letter] What's the old tartan throwback banging on about this time? "Have come south for rebellion." Oh god, surprise, surprise. "Staying with Miggins. The time has come. Best sword in Scotland. Insurrection, blood, large bowl of porridge. Rightful claim to throne." He's mad. He's mad! He's madder than Mad Jack McMad, the winner of this year's Mister Madman competition! [the service bell rings] Ah, the walrus awakes.

[reading a letter from the Duke of Wellington to Prince George] "From the Supreme Commander, Allied Forces Europe. Sir, Prince or pauper, when a man soils a Wellington he puts his foot in it. Open bracket. This is not a joke. I do not find my name remotely funny, and people who do end up dead. Close bracket. I challenge you to a duel tonight at 18:00 hours in which you will die. Yours, with sincere apologies for your impending violent slaughter, Arthur Wellesey, Duke of Wellington."

Baldrick

Seems a nice, polite sort of bloke.

Baldrick

May I speak, sir?

Certainly not, Baldrick. The prince is about to die. The last thing he wants to do in his final hours is exchange pleasantries with a certified plum duff.

Easy, Blackadder. Let's hear him out.

Very well, Baldrick. We shall hear you out, then throw you out.

Baldrick

Well, your Majesty, I have a cunning plan which could get you out of this.

Don't listen to him, sir. It's a cruel proletariat attempt to raise your hopes. I shall have him shot the moment he's finished clearing away your breakfast.

Wait a minute, Blackadder. Perhaps this disgusting, degraded creature is some sort of blessing in disguise?

If he is, it's a very good disguise.

After all, did Our Lord not send a lowly earthworm to comfort Moses in his torment?

Nope.

Well, it's the sort of thing he might have done. Well, come on, Mr. Spotty, speak.

Baldrick

Well, sir, I've just thought, this Wellyton bloke's been in Europe for years. You don't know what he looks like, and he don't know what you looks like, so why don't you get someone else to fight the duel instead of you?

But I'm the Prince Regent. My portrait hangs on every wall!

Answer that, Baldrick.

Baldrick

Well, sir, my cousin Bert Baldrick, Mr. Gainsborough's butler's dogsbody, he says that he's heard that all portraits look the same these days, 'cos they're painted to a romantic ideal, rather than as a true depiction of the idiosyncratic facial qualities of the person in question.

Your cousin Bert obviously has a larger vocabulary than you, Baldrick.

No, he's right, damn him! Anyone could fight the duel and Wellers would never know!

All the same, sir, Baldrick's plan seems to hinge on finding someone willing to commit suicide on your behalf.

Oh, yes, yes, but he'd be fabulously rewarded. Money, titles, castles.

Coffin.

Baldrick

That's right! I though maybe Mr. Blackadder himself would fancy the job.

What a splendid idea!

Excuse me, Your Highness, trouble with the staff. [leads Baldrick out into the vestibule, closes the doors and grabs Baldrick by the collar] Baldrick, does it have to be this way - our valued friendship ending with me cutting you into long strips and telling the prince that you walked over a very sharp cattle grid in an extremely heavy hat?

Baldrick

But, Mr. Blackadder, you were just saying in the kitchen how you wanted to rise again. Now here, the prince is offering you the lot.

But, tiny, tiny brain, the Iron Duke will kill me! To even think about taking him on, you'd have be some homicidal maniac who's fantastically good at fighting, like MacAdder. [remembers] Like MacAdder... [having an idea] Like MacAdder could fight the duel for me!

Baldrick, what are you doing out there?

Baldrick

I'm carving something on this bullet, sir.

What are you carving?

Baldrick

I'm carving "Baldrick", sir!

Why?

Baldrick

It's part of a cunning plan, actually!

Of course it is.

Baldrick

You know how they say that somewhere there's a bullet with your name on it?

[haltingly] Yyyyyyyyes...?

Baldrick

Well, I thought that if I owned the bullet with my name on it, I'll never get hit by it! Cause I'll never shoot myself...

Oh, shame!

Baldrick

...and the chances of there being two bullets with my name are very small indeed!

Yes, it's not the only thing around here that's "very small indeed". Your brain, for example. It's so minute, Baldrick, that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn't be enough to cover a small water biscuit.

Ah, Baldrick, anything from Massingbird yet?

Baldrick

Yes, sir. Just arrived, sir.

What's that?

Baldrick

A sponge bag, sir.

A sponge bag?

Baldrick

Yes, sir.

Baldrick, I gave you two notes. You sent the note asking for a sponge bag to the finest mind in British legal history?

Baldrick

Certainly did, sir.

And you sent the note asking for legal representation to...?

[enters the cell wearing a lawyer's robe and wig] Well, tally ho with a bing and a bong and a buzz, buzz, buzz!

Baldrick, I'll deal with you later. [to George] Am I to understand that you are going to be representing me at the court martial.

Oh, yes, sir. Bit of a family tradition, actually. My uncle's a lawyer, you know.

Your uncle's a lawyer, but you're not?

Good lord, no. I'm an absolute duffer at this sort of thing. In a school debating society, I was voted the boy least likely to complete a coherent, um...

Sentence?

Yes, that's the word. But anyway, old friend, it's an honour to serve.

George, I'm in deep trouble here. I need to construct a case that's as watertight as a mermaid's brassiere. I'm not sure your particular brand of mindless optimism is going to contribute much to the proceedings.

Well, that's a shame, sir, because I was planning on playing the mindless optimism card rather strongly.

Really?

Yes, I'd based my closing sentence on that very theme. "Oh, go on, let him off, Your Honour, please! After all, it's a lovely day, pretty clouds, trees, birds, etc. I rest my case."

So, counsel, with that summing up in mind, what do you think my chances are?

Not good, I'm afraid. As far as I can tell, you're as guilty as a puppy sitting next to a pile of poo.

Charming.

Chap here to see you, Captain.

What does he look like?

Short, ugly.

[dull surprise] Hello, Baldrick.

Baldrick

[holding a bag] I brought you some food, sir, for your final breakfast tomorrow.

Ah, so you're not pinning much hope on a last minute reprieve then.

Baldrick

No, sir, you are as dead as some doo-doos.

The expression, Baldrick, is "as a dodo". "Dead as a dodo".

Well, I'll leave you to it then, shall I? [leaves]

Baldrick

Do not despair, sir. All my talk of food was just a dead herring. In fact, I have a cunning plan. This is not food, but an escape kit.

Good Lord! With a saw, a hammer, a chisel, a gun, a change of clothes, a Swiss passport, and a huge false moustache, I may just stand a chance.

Baldrick

Ah...

[looking in the bag] Let's see, what have we here. [holds out a small painted wooden duck] A small painted wooden duck.

Baldrick

Yeah, I thought if you get caught near water, you can balance it on the top of your head as a brilliant disguise.

Yeeeesss, I would, of course, have to escape first. [looks through the bag] Ah, but what's this? Unless I'm much mistaken, a hammer and a chisel.

Baldrick

You are much mistaken.

[holds out a pencil and a miniature trumpet] A pencil and a miniature trumpet.

Baldrick

Yeah, a pencil so you can drop me a post card to tell me how the break out went, and a small little tiny miniature trumpet in case during your escape, you have to win favour with a difficult child.

Baldrick, I don't want to spend my last precious hours rummaging through this feeble collection of stocking-fillers. Let me just ask you some simple questions: Is there a saw in this bag?

Baldrick

No.

A hammer?

Baldrick

No.

A chisel?

Baldrick

No.

A gun?

Baldrick

No.

A false passport?

Baldrick

[pause, thinks for a moment] No.

A change of clothes?

Baldrick

Yes, sir, of course, I wouldn't forget a change of clothes.

Ah, well that's something, let's see... [holds out a green feather hat and a bow] A Robin Hood costume.

Baldrick

Yeah, I put in a French peasant's outfit first, but then I thought "What if you arrive in a French peasant's village and they're in the middle of a fancy dress party?"

And what if I arrive in a French peasant village dressed in a Robin Hood costume, and there isn't a fancy dress party?

Baldrick

Well, to be quite frank, sir, I didn't consider that eventuality, because if you did, you'd stick out like a...

Like a man standing in a lake with a small painted wooden duck on his head?

Baldrick

Exactly!

[re-enters the cell] Excuse me, sir.

Alright. Aahhh, thank you, Baldrick, we'll finish this picnic later.

Baldrick

[pretending to Perkins, as if they have just eaten food] Yum Yum!

"George, my boy, outraged to read in dispatches of how that arse, Melchett, made such a pig's ear of your chum Blackadder's court martial. Have reversed the decision forthwith. Surprised you didn't ask me to do it yourself, actually."

Well, yes, sir. Uh, the thing is-

You two got whammed last night, didn't you?

Well, not whammed, exactly. A little tiddly perhaps-

And you forgot the telegram to your uncle.

Well, no, no. Not completely. Partially. Well, yes. Yes, entirely.

Baldrick

I think I can explain, sir.

Can you, Baldrick?

Baldrick

[thinks for a second] No.

As I suspected. I'm not a religious man, as you know, but henceforth I shall nightly pray to the God who killed Cain and squashed Samson that he comes out of retirement and gets back into practice on the pair of you. [the phone rings] Captain Blackadder speaking. Ah, Captain Darling. Yes, well, some of us just have friends in high places, I suppose. Yes I can hear you perfectly. You want what? You want two volunteers for a mission into no man's land? Codename: "Operation Certain Death"? [looks at George and Baldrick; having an idea] Yes, I think I have just the fellows. [hangs up and grins cruelly at George and Baldrick] God is very quick these days.

Baldrick

Sir, it's all over the trenches!

Well, mop it up then!

Baldrick

No sir, the news! The Russian Revolution has started! The masses have risen up and shot all their nobs!

Well, hurrah!

Oh no, the bloody Russians have pulled out of the war!

Well, we soon saw them off, didn't we? Miserable, slant-eyed sausage-eating swine!

The Russians are on our side, George.

[surprised] Are they? Oh.

And they've abandoned the Eastern Front.

Baldrick

And they've overthrown Nicholas II who used to be bizarre!

Who used to be the tsar, Baldrick. The point is that now that the Russians have made peace with the Kaiser, at this very moment a quarter of a million Germans are leaving the Russian Front and coming here with the express purpose of using my nipples for target practice. There's only one thing for it - I'm going to desert, and I'm gonna do it right now. [about to leave]

[showing up, menacingly] Are you leaving us, Blackadder?

[nervously backpedaling] No, sir.

I'm glad to hear it, because I need you to help me shoot some deserters later on. There have been subversive mutterings amongst the men. You'll remember the French Army last year at Verdun when the top echelons suffered tremendous risings from the bottom.

Yes, sir, but surely that was traced to a shipment of garlic eclairs?

Nonsense, Blackadder! It was Bolshiness! Plain Bolshiness! And now that the Ruskies have followed suit, I'm damned if I'm going to let the same thing happen here.

Oh, and what are you going to do about it?

We're going to have a concert party to boost the men's morale.

A concert party? Well, hurrah!