Honestly, Papa. Ever since Mother died, you've tried to stop me from growing up. I'm not a little girl, I'm a grown woman. In fact, I might as well tell you now, Papa. I'm pregnant. And I'm an opium fiend. And I'm love with a poet called Shelley who's a famous whoopsy. And Mother didn't die, I killed her!
Oh. Well, never mind.
[A gunshot rings out and the coach stops]
Stand and deliver!
Oh no! Oh no, no, no, no! Disaster! It's the Shadow! We're doomed! Doomed!
Ah, good evening, Duke, and the lovely Miss Cheapside. Your cash bags, please.
[hands over his money at the gunpoint] You'll never get away with this, you scoundrel! You'll be caught and damn well hung!
I think he looks pretty-
Madam, please, no jests about me being 'pretty well hung already'. We've no time.
Pity.
Now, sir, turn out your pockets.
Never, sir! A man's pockets are his own private kingdom. I'll protect them with my life!
I see. Got something embarrassing in there, have you? Perhaps a particularly repulsive handkerchief? One of these fellows who has a big blow and doesn't change it for a week? Let's have a look... [finds a handkerchief, and inside that, a jewel] Aha!
Highwayman, I also have a jewel. I fear, however, that I have placed it here, beneath my petticoat, for protection.
Well, in that case, Madam, I think I'll leave it. I'm not sure I fancy the idea of a jewel that's been in someone's pants. A single kiss of those soft lips is all I require.
Never, sir! A man's soft lips are his own private kingdom. I shall defend them with my life!
I'm not talking to you, Granddad.
[Miss Cheapside leans over her father and passionately kisses Blackadder]
Oh, I am overcome! Take me with you to live the life of the wild rogue, cuddling under haystacks and making love in the branches of tall trees!
Madam, sadly, I must decline. I fear my horse would collapse with you on top of him as well as me.
I could try!
No, Quicksilver, you couldn't.
Well, that's not fair, then! I've had you on my back for ten miles, I haven't even got a kiss out of it!
Oh, alright then. [gives Baldrick a peck on the cheek] All fair now?
Not really, no!
Tch, no pleasing some horses. Heigh-ho, Quicksilver!
[Baldrick whinnies and the two ride off]
Papa, you did nothing to defend my honour!
Oh, shut your face, you pregnant junkie fag hag!
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