“Oh god.” – Blackadder

[slams a large book shut] Oh god.

Baldrick

Something wrong, Mr. B?

I can't find a single person suitable to marry the prince.

Baldrick

Oh, please keep trying. I love a royal wedding. The excitement, the crowds, the souvenir mugs. Worrying about whether the bride's lost weight.

Unlikely with this lot, I'm afraid. If the prince had stipulated "Must weigh a quarter of a tonne", we'd be laughing. Of the two-hundred and sixty-two princesses in Europe, a hundred and sixty-five are over eighty, they're out. Forty-seven are under ten, they're out. Thirty-nine are mad.

Baldrick

Well, they sound ideal.

Well, they would be if they hadn't all got married last week to the same horse. Which leave us with two.

Baldrick

What about them?

Well, there's Grand Duchess Sophia of Turin. We'll never get her to marry him.

Baldrick

Why not?

Because she's met him.

Baldrick

Which leaves?

Caroline of Brunswick is the only available princess in Europe.

Baldrick

What's wrong with her?

[suddenly shouting] "Get more coffee! It's horrid, change it! Take me roughly from behind! No, not like that, like this! Trousers down! Tackle out! Walk the dog! Where's my presents?!"

Baldrick

Alright! Which one do you want me to do first?

No, that's what Caroline's like. She's famous for having the worst personality in Germany. And as you can imagine, that's up against some pretty stiff competition.

Baldrick

So, you're stuck, then.

Yes, I am. Unless...pass me the paper, Baldrick. [opens it] Baldrick, why has half the front page been cut out?

Baldrick

I don't know.

You do know, don't you?

Baldrick

Yes.

You've been cutting out the cuttings about the elusive 'Shadow' to put in your highwayman's scrapbook, haven't you?

Baldrick

Oh, I can't help it, Mr. B.! His life is so dark and shadowy and full of fear and trepidation!

So is going to the toilet in the middle of the night, but you don't keep a scrapbook on it.

Baldrick

I do!

Let's see, Society Pages. You see, it needn't necessarily be a princess. All the prince wants is someone pretty and rich.

Baldrick

Oh dear, that rules me out, then.

Let's see..."Beau Brummel in Purple Pants Probe." "King talks to Tree. Phew, what a Loony." God, The Times has really gone downhill recently. Aha! Listen to this. "Mysterious Northern beauty Miss Amy Hardwood comes to London and spends flipping great wodges of cash." That's our baby!