[After being sentenced to death by firing squad, Blackadder sits in his cell]
Chap here to see you, Captain.
What does he look like?
Short, ugly.
[dull surprise] Hello, Baldrick.
[holding a bag] I brought you some food, sir, for your final breakfast tomorrow.
Ah, so you're not pinning much hope on a last minute reprieve then.
No, sir, you are as dead as some doo-doos.
The expression, Baldrick, is "as a dodo". "Dead as a dodo".
Well, I'll leave you to it then, shall I? [leaves]
Do not despair, sir. All my talk of food was just a dead herring. In fact, I have a cunning plan. This is not food, but an escape kit.
Good Lord! With a saw, a hammer, a chisel, a gun, a change of clothes, a Swiss passport, and a huge false moustache, I may just stand a chance.
Ah...
[looking in the bag] Let's see, what have we here. [holds out a small painted wooden duck] A small painted wooden duck.
Yeah, I thought if you get caught near water, you can balance it on the top of your head as a brilliant disguise.
Yeeeesss, I would, of course, have to escape first. [looks through the bag] Ah, but what's this? Unless I'm much mistaken, a hammer and a chisel.
You are much mistaken.
[holds out a pencil and a miniature trumpet] A pencil and a miniature trumpet.
Yeah, a pencil so you can drop me a post card to tell me how the break out went, and a small little tiny miniature trumpet in case during your escape, you have to win favour with a difficult child.
Baldrick, I don't want to spend my last precious hours rummaging through this feeble collection of stocking-fillers. Let me just ask you some simple questions: Is there a saw in this bag?
No.
A hammer?
No.
A chisel?
No.
A gun?
No.
A false passport?
[pause, thinks for a moment] No.
A change of clothes?
Yes, sir, of course, I wouldn't forget a change of clothes.
Ah, well that's something, let's see... [holds out a green feather hat and a bow] A Robin Hood costume.
Yeah, I put in a French peasant's outfit first, but then I thought "What if you arrive in a French peasant's village and they're in the middle of a fancy dress party?"
And what if I arrive in a French peasant village dressed in a Robin Hood costume, and there isn't a fancy dress party?
Well, to be quite frank, sir, I didn't consider that eventuality, because if you did, you'd stick out like a...
Like a man standing in a lake with a small painted wooden duck on his head?
Exactly!
[re-enters the cell] Excuse me, sir.
Alright. Aahhh, thank you, Baldrick, we'll finish this picnic later.
[pretending to Perkins, as if they have just eaten food] Yum Yum!
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