Baldrick quotes from Blackadder

[on the telephone] Hello? Yes, I'd like to leave a message for the head of the Flying Corps, please. That's Air Chief Marshal Sir Hugh Massingbird, VC, DFC and BAR. Message reads "Where are you, you bastard?".

Baldrick

Here I am, sir.

For god's sake, Baldrick, take cover!

Baldrick

Why, sir?

Because there's an air raid going on! And I don't want to have to write to your mother at London Zoo to tell her that her only human child is dead.

I spy with my bored little eye something beginning with 'T'.

Baldrick

Breakfast!

What?

Baldrick

My breakfast always begins with tea. Then I have a little sausage, and then an egg with some little soldiers.

Baldrick, when I said it begins with 'T', I was talking about a letter.

Baldrick

No, it never begins with a letter. The postman don't come 'til ten thirty.

Sir...I'm scared, sir.

Baldrick

I'm scared too, sir.

I'm the last of the tiddly-winking leap-froggers from the golden summer of 1914. I don't want to die...I'm really not overly keen on dying at all, sir.

How are you feeling, Darling?

Ah, not all that good, Blackadder. Rather thought I'd get through the whole show, go back to working at Pratt and Sons, keep wicket for the Croydon Gentlemen, marry Doris. Made a note in my diary on the way here. Simply says "Bugger".

Well, quite.

Listen...Our guns have stopped.

You don't think...?

Baldrick

[with rising hope] Maybe...the war's over. Maybe it's peace!

[overjoyed] Oh, hurrah! The big knobs have gone round the table and yanked the iron out of the fire!

[also overjoyed] Thank God! We lived through it! The Great War, 1914 to 1917!

Hip-hip...

HOORAY!

[sadly] I'm afraid...not. The guns have stopped because we're about to attack. Not even our generals are mad enough to shell their own men. They think it's far more sporting to let the Germans do it.

[afraid] So we are, in fact, going over? This is, as they say, "it"?

I'm afraid so. Unless I can think of something very quickly.

Company, one pace forward!

Baldrick

Oh, there's a nasty splinter on that ladder, sir! A bloke could hurt himself on that!

Stand ready!

Baldrick

I have...a plan, sir.

Really, Baldrick? A cunning and subtle one?

Baldrick

Yes, sir.

As cunning as a fox who's just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University?

Baldrick

Yes, sir.

On the signal, company will advance!

Well, I'm afraid it'll have to wait. Whatever it was, I'm sure it was better than my plan to get out of this by pretending to be mad. I mean, who would have noticed another madman round here? [a whistle is heard] Good luck, everyone. [blows whistle]

Baldrick!

Baldrick

Yes, sir?

Get me some mulled ale. I'm freezing.

Baldrick

How's the king, sir?

Um, about as comfortable as can be expected for a man who's spending the winter in a blackcurrant bush.

Baldrick

D'you think the Roundheads'll find him?

Certainly not. I've assured him he is as likely to be caught as a fox being chased by a pack of one-legged hunting tortoises.

Baldrick

Is that true?

Of course it's true. Have you ever known me to lie to the king?

Baldrick

Yes.

[Grabs Baldrick by the collar and holds a knife to his throat]

Baldrick

Nope.

He's absolutely safe as long as you keep your fat mouth shut.

Baldrick

You can trust me, sir.

[laughs mirthlessly, then puts the knife down] Right, Baldrick, I'm off to answer the call of nature. If, by any freak chance, Oliver Cromwell drops in here in the next ninety seconds, remember: the king is not hiding here.

Baldrick

Yes, sir. [goes back to his work and starts singing Greensleeves as Blackadder leaves and Oliver Cromwell and a Roundhead soldier come in]

Good evening, citizen. I am Oliver Cromwell. [draws his sword] My men have surrounded your house while I search for royalist scum. Is the king hiding here?

Baldrick

Um... [struggles to remember, then finally answers...] No.

On pain of death and damnation, are you absolutely sure?

Baldrick

Yes, I am.

I see. [sheathes his sword] Well then, you wouldn't mind if my men come in from the cold, will you?

Men, come in from the cold!

Now, we shall all have a cup of milk by your fireside.

Baldrick

Alright, but don't touch the purple cup.

Why not?

Baldrick

That's the king's.

Baldrick

So that's why he can't be here. Sorry.

I see. I...I quite understand.

Sir, the moment has arrived. Are you ready to meet your maker?

Well, I'm always absolutely fascinated to meet people of all walks of life, but, yes, particularly from manufacturing industries, which is my area of expertise.

Well then, have a quick walk-and-talk with your executioner and let's get on with it! [Leaves]

[to Executioner] I'm sorry, my friend, I'm alone here today. I had hoped that my good, loyal chum, Sir Edmund Blackadder, would be here with me, but unfortunately his wife's sister's puppy fell into the strawberry patch. So, naturally, he can't be with us.

[nasally voice] Uh-huh.

All I can do is bid you do your duty well.

[nasally voice] Well, thank you, Your Majesty. And may I say how much I mourn for your lot and bid you remember others before you who have died unjustly.

Thank you. I take great solace in-

[nasally voice] Sir Thomas More, for instance. A great, generous man to the last. He apparently tipped his executioner handsomely. [Holds out his hand]

Really? I'm so sorry. I thought service was included. Um, here you are. [Hands out a single coin.]

[nasally voice] And then there was the Earl of Essex.

Was there?

[nasally voice] A truly great man. They still sing his famous ballad down the Chepstow Arms.

What ballad is that?

[nasally voice, singing] The Earl, he had a thousand sovereigns, hey nonny no! Gave them all away to the man with the axe-o!

A thousand sovereigns?

[nasally voice] Well, you can't take it with you, Your Majesty.

True. Here, do keep the change. [hands over the whole money bag]

[accidentally slipping back to his normal voice] Thank you, Your Majesty. Right, shall we go?

Just a moment! That voice has a strangely familiar ring. And so does that finger! [takes off the executioner's cowl] Blackadder!

Hello, Your Majesty!

You cunning swine!

Yes, well, uh-

Marvellous! Splendid! You've duped Cromwell and concocted a cunning plan to help me and my son escape to France!

Ah yes, that's right. Yes.

So, let's put your cunning plan into operation straight away!

Yes, let's. Uh...Well, you start the ball rolling.

No, no, after you.

Right. Yes...Ah, oh yes! Yes, right, and it's a very good plan. It's a staggering, bowel-shatteringly good plan.

Baldrick

Well, sir, they can't say you didn't try. Now the future of the British monarchy lies fast asleep in your arms in the person of this infant prince. And with the money you've earned, you and he can escape to France.

Quite.

Baldrick

On the other hand, you can stay here, and as a known royalist, the Roundheads'll come and cut your head off.

Exactly, Baldrick.

Oh my god!

Open up, or we'll burn the house down!

Baldrick

Oh no! We're surrounded! What'll we do?

At times like this, Baldrick, there is no choice for a man of honour. He must stand, fight and die in defense of his... future sovereign.

Fortunately, I'm not a man of honour. [tosses the infant prince to Baldrick, then removes his hair, moustache and beard to reveal a clean-shaven face and a blond bowl head haircut just as Cromwell bursts in; to Cromwell] Thank God, you've come! [points at Baldrick] Seize the royalist scum!

[shouts from outside] HUMBUG! HUMBUG! [enters his shop, holding a paper bag of humbug sweets] Humbug, Mr. Baldrick?

Baldrick

Oh, thank you very much.

Well, I've got all the presents.

Baldrick

And I've nearly finished the Christmas cards.

Oh, splendid! Let's see..."A Very Messy Christmas". I'm sorry, Mr. Baldrick, shouldn't that be 'Merry'?

Baldrick

"A Merry, Messy Christmas"? Alright, but the main thing is it should be messy - messy cake, soggy pudding, great big wet kisses under the mistletoe.

Yes. I do fear, Mr Baldrick, that the only way you're likely to get a big wet kiss at Christmas, or indeed at any other time, is to make a pass at a water closet. Be that as it may, A Merry, Messy Christmas. "Christmas" has an 'H' in it, Mr Baldrick.

Baldrick

Oh.

And an 'R'. And an 'I', and an 'S'. Also a 'T', an 'M', an 'A', and another 'S'. Oh, and you've missed out the 'C' at the beginning. Congratulations, Mr. Baldrick, something of a triumph, I believe. You must be the first person ever to spell "Christmas" without getting any of the letters right at all.

Baldrick

Well, I was a bit rushed. I've been helping out with the Workhouse Nativity Play.

Oh, of course! How did it go?

Baldrick

Well, not very well. At the last moment, the baby playing Jesus died!

Oh dear. This high infant mortality rate is a real devil when it comes to staging quality children's entertainment. What on earth did you do?

Baldrick

Got another Jesus.

Oh, thank goodness. And his name?

Baldrick

Spot. There weren't any more children, so we had to settle for a dog instead.

Oh dear. I'm not convinced that Christianity would have established its firm grip over the hearts and minds of mankind if all Jesus had ever said was 'Woof'.

Baldrick

Well, it went alright 'til the shepherds came on. See, we hadn't been able to get any real sheep, so we had to stick some wool-

On some other dogs.

Baldrick

Right. And the moment Jesus got a whiff of 'em, he's away! While the angel's singing, Jesus scampers across the floor and tries to get one of the sheep to give him a piggyback ride.

Scarcely appropriate behaviour for the Son of God, Mr Baldrick. Weren't the children upset?

Baldrick

Nah, they loved it. They want us to do another one at Easter - they want to see us nail up the dog.

Ah, the playful young scamps, eh? Still, what a lovely thought it is: at this very moment, all over the country, from the highest to the lowest, through those charming plump folks somewhere in the middle, everyone is enjoying Christmas.

Ah, excellent. What a splendid spread - nuts, turkey and presents. What more could a man desire at Christmas?

Baldrick

Well, a tree.

Oh, of course! I quite forgot. I dropped by Mr Thitwhistle's Garden Emporium, and, I think you'll agree, got quite a bargain on this special Christmas twig.

Baldrick

It's a bit of a tiddler, innit?

Yes, but size isn't important, my friend. It's not what you've got, it's where you stick it. [places the twig in a candlestick holder] Besides, look. We've got a whole year's profits to spend on fun and larks.

Baldrick

How much is it?

Seventeen pounds and a penny.

Baldrick

It'd be a lot more if you didn't give away so much money to the poor.

Well, yes, but in the Feeling-Good ledger of life, we are rich indeed.

Baldrick

I just wish we weren't doing so well in the Bit-Short-Of-Prezzies-And-Being-A-Guillible-Prat ledger.

Baldrick

Go on, my lord. Give it a little pull. You know you want to. It'll be ever so exciting.

[completely uninterested] Oh, god. [pulls the tiny Christmas cracker with Baldrick. There's a squeak instead of a bang; sarcastically] Yes, terrifying.

Baldrick

And look, there's a surprise present inside. It's a novelty death warrant, and you give it to a friend. [gives the death warrant to Blackadder]

[sarcastic] Oh, just what I've always wanted.[crumples it into a ball]

Baldrick

Have you got anything for me?

Oh it's nothing, really!

Baldrick

[touched] Oh sir!

No, it's really nothing; I haven't got you anything. I spent all my cash on this damn thing for the Queen. [reveals a portrait of Elizabeth I] She'd better bloody like it, she dropped enough hints. That woman's about as subtle as a rhinoceros horn up the backside. Door! [covers the painting, and enters the throne room to find Queenie and Nursie tearing up paper chains] Good morning, Your Majesty. Christmas again, eh? What joy! Don't you just love it?

No, I hate it! In fact, I've just abolished it!

[nervous] I'm sorry?

I'm gonna block up the chimneys, burn all the crackers, and kill anyone I see carrying a present! [Blackadder looks nervously at the painting, picks it up and attempts to leave] What's that, Edmund?

This? [long pause] It's a window.

A window?

Yes, but you seem to have one here, so sorry to have disturbed you, Your Majesty. [hastily scurries from the room with the painting, hands it to Baldrick and closes the door behind him] Well, so much for that! [punches the portrait in the face; his fist goes through the canvas and hits Baldrick behind it]

Ah, Melchett! Greetings! I trust Christmas brings you its traditional mix of good food and violent stomach cramp.

And compliments of the season to you, Blackadder. May the Yuletide log slip from your fire and burn your house down.

I'm glad I saw you; I feel it only fair to warn you that the Queen has banned Christmas. So I wouldn't get her a present this year.

Oh, I'm indebted to you for that advice, Blackadder, and I shall, of course, follow it to the letter...[under his breath as he walks away] the day I get my brain replaced by a cauliflower.

[jubilant] Ha! Got him with my subtle plan!

Baldrick

I can't see any subtle plan.

Baldrick, you wouldn't see a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord, singing "Subtle Plans are Here Again!". It what we call a double bluff. Melchett will undoubtedly do the opposite of what I tell him. He'll go get an enormous present, bring it to the Queen, and [makes throat cutting motion and sound]

Baldrick

What, he'll turn into a duck?

Yes...

Excellent, excellent, Baldrick, a triumph! [sees the vestibule is empty] Baldrick? Baldrick?

Baldrick

[walks in, dressed unconvincingly as a woman and nothing like the old woman Blackadder let in] Sorry, Mr. B. I was just showing a sweet old granny to the door. Are we ready?

What?

Baldrick

Well, I answered the door and it was this sweet old granny collecting for charity, so I let her in.

Ah...

Baldrick

Something wrong, Mr. B.?

No, I should've known not to trust a man with the mental agility of a rabbit dropping.

Baldrick

Sorry, Mr. B.

Oh, it's perfectly alright, it's not your fault. [floors Baldrick with a punch] Still, I fear for a frail, elderly woman, laden down with valuables, traveling through the inadequately lit streets of London.

Baldrick

Yeah, she's not safe!

Well, not from me, certainly! [punches Baldrick again and storms out]

Hail Queen Asphyxia, Supreme Mistress of the Universe!

And hail to you, my Triple-Husbandoid! I summon you here to group-greet our swift imperial navies home. Approach, Grand Admiral of the Dark Segment and Lord of the High-Slung Bottoms of Zob!

[approaches] Morning.

To you, Blackadder - thrice-endowed Supreme Donkey of the Trouser-Pod - this much greeting.

I, too, bold navigator, cringe my dribblies at your resplendent pofflesnu!

Yes, well, that won’t be necessary, thank you.

Approach your slave: Baldrick!

For God's sake, Baldrick, if you're going to wear that ridiculous jockstrap, at least keep your legs together.

Baldrick

[stands and salutes] Wilco, skipper!

Majesties, I give you this much greeting.

What news of the foul Malmydons?

Scattered to the Nine Vectors, My Lord.

And the Sheepsqueezers of Splatican Five? Have they been suckcreamed as a Qvarnbeast's nobbo?

...Well, they're all dead, if that's what you mean.

Plus, Commander, did you vanquish the Nibblepibblies?

No, My Lord Pigmot, I did not vanquish the Nibblepibblies because you just made them up.

Dammit!

[laughs] Excellent, Commander! You have most pleasantly wibbled my frusset pouch. Now, bring forth the gift with which you honour me.

Majesties, from a place where the stars begin and end, I bring you this. [holds up a crystal sceptre]

Nursie

Ooh, lovely, an ashtray!

Come, Majesty, he wastes our time!

Yes, send him to the Sprouting Chamber!

No, wait! What is it, Commander?

Well, I'll show you, shall I? [a blinding light shoots out of the scepter, and when it clears, Queen Asphyxia is left alone on the throne. He then hands the sceptre to Baldrick and approaches the queen] And now, Your Majesty, I must respectfully insist that you hand over to me supreme command of the universe, sew a button on my spare uniform and marry me this afternoon.

[eagerly] I thought you'd never ask.

Baldrick

Mr. Blackadder? [comes into the room holding his sock] Looks like Father Christmas just forgot about me this year.

Oh, dear me, [takes the sock] but don't be too unhappy. [puts his hand into the sock] Because if you look very carefully there's something in this stocking from me. In fact, it's something I made for you.

Baldrick

Well that's the kind of present that shows the most love. What did you make for me, Mr. B?

I've made you...[holds out his fist] a fist.

Baldrick

A fist?

Yes, it's for hitting. [punches Baldrick in the face] What's wonderful about it is that you can use it again. [punches Baldrick again] And again. [punches Baldrick again] And again. [punches Baldrick again] Well, what do you say?

Baldrick

Thank you, Mr. B.

[puts his fist back into the sock] Think nothing of it, Baldrick. I after all think nothing of you. [punches Baldrick again]

[knocks on the window] Oi, gitface! How 'bout a penny for the season?

Hark! Do I hear the voice of a darling little cherub at the window? [walks over and opens the window, causing the boy to fall to the ground with a scream] No, I must have imagined it.

Baldrick

Shall I get that, sir?

No, Baldrick, leave them out in the snow until I get dressed. I'll only be about forty minutes.

Ill-conceived love, I should warn you, is like a Christmas cracker - one massively disappointing bang and the novelty soon wears off. [unsure of how to make of this, Milicent and Ralph respond with their ear-grating, joyful, cackling laughter] Shut up!

[shocked] Oh, Mr. Blackadder, what's happened? You've changed from the nicest man in England into the...the horridest man in the world!

Baldrick

I was thinking the same thing.

[smacks Baldrick on the back of the head] When spoken to. [to Milicent] I would explain, my dear, but I fear you wouldn't understand, blessed as you are with a head that is emptier than a hermit's address book.