May I speak, sir?
Certainly not, Baldrick. The prince is about to die. The last thing he wants to do in his final hours is exchange pleasantries with a certified plum duff.
Easy, Blackadder. Let's hear him out.
Very well, Baldrick. We shall hear you out, then throw you out.
Well, your Majesty, I have a cunning plan which could get you out of this.
Don't listen to him, sir. It's a cruel proletariat attempt to raise your hopes. I shall have him shot the moment he's finished clearing away your breakfast.
Wait a minute, Blackadder. Perhaps this disgusting, degraded creature is some sort of blessing in disguise?
If he is, it's a very good disguise.
After all, did Our Lord not send a lowly earthworm to comfort Moses in his torment?
Nope.
Well, it's the sort of thing he might have done. Well, come on, Mr. Spotty, speak.
Well, sir, I've just thought, this Wellyton bloke's been in Europe for years. You don't know what he looks like, and he don't know what you looks like, so why don't you get someone else to fight the duel instead of you?
But I'm the Prince Regent. My portrait hangs on every wall!
Answer that, Baldrick.
Well, sir, my cousin Bert Baldrick, Mr. Gainsborough's butler's dogsbody, he says that he's heard that all portraits look the same these days, 'cos they're painted to a romantic ideal, rather than as a true depiction of the idiosyncratic facial qualities of the person in question.
Your cousin Bert obviously has a larger vocabulary than you, Baldrick.
No, he's right, damn him! Anyone could fight the duel and Wellers would never know!
All the same, sir, Baldrick's plan seems to hinge on finding someone willing to commit suicide on your behalf.
Oh, yes, yes, but he'd be fabulously rewarded. Money, titles, castles.
Coffin.
That's right! I though maybe Mr. Blackadder himself would fancy the job.
What a splendid idea!
Excuse me, Your Highness, trouble with the staff. [leads Baldrick out into the vestibule, closes the doors and grabs Baldrick by the collar] Baldrick, does it have to be this way - our valued friendship ending with me cutting you into long strips and telling the prince that you walked over a very sharp cattle grid in an extremely heavy hat?
But, Mr. Blackadder, you were just saying in the kitchen how you wanted to rise again. Now here, the prince is offering you the lot.
But, tiny, tiny brain, the Iron Duke will kill me! To even think about taking him on, you'd have be some homicidal maniac who's fantastically good at fighting, like MacAdder. [remembers] Like MacAdder... [having an idea] Like MacAdder could fight the duel for me!
More from this episode
All quotes from this episode →More Blackadder quotes · These quotes come from Wikiquote's Blackadder pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.