HHHumpty Hump
I like the girls with the boom, I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom...
Whoa! [he and Beavis laugh uncontrollably]
Yeah!
Digital Underground, "The Humpty Dance
Cale Dodds, "I Like Where This is Going
I think that's the guy who does Family Guy. I didn't know he was a country singer too, yeah.
[as Cale Dodds approaches an overweight man at a diner who failed to get a date]
"Uh, hello, I'm country star Cale Dodds. I used to be a loser like you. Uh, I mean, not like you, exactly."
"Yeah, you know what I mean, I was in a band. All the chicks liked me and all that, you know."
"I was nothing like you. You're a loser."
Uh, this is like all those movies where like, the good-looking cool guy teaches the dork how to score, and he like, trains him.
Oh yeah, yeah.
He's grooming him.
He's like, "you know, now that I paid for your meal, why don't you come back to my place and try on some clothes for me?"
He's gonna wind up in a shallow grave. [cackles] They told us about these kinds of guys in health class.
All the warning signs were there.
They may come across as friendly at first. They might even sing you a country song. But beware.
They might buy you breakfast, but that breakfast isn't free.
Here's what happened to a young man who went home with Cale Dodds.
[after a girl trips in a bar and is caught by the overweight man, and she looks at him lovingly]
Uh, the only way he can score is to go to a club and sit around and wait for a girl to trip and fall over.
Yeah, maybe I should try that.
As soon as the director says "cut", that hot girl's gonna leave the dork and go score with Cale Dodds.
And then the dork is gonna go home alone, put on a new shirt, and spank his monkey.
Now that's a country song.
Doja Cat, "Paint the Town Red
[as the video opens with Doja Cat riding on the head of a giant animated horned-creature]
Whoa! Whoa, what is that thing?
Uhhh, I think it's like, from Dr. Suess or something.
Oh yeah. You know, the thing about Dr. Suess is, he's not very good, you know? It's like... he'll say like, "There's a cloothplush on my toothbrush!" And then he just draws a fake animal, you know? Anyone could do that!
Dr. Seuss sucks.
See, it's like that chick there, you know I could say, "Oh, that chick is named Zood, and she gives me wood!" See?
Uh, whoa! That was pretty good, Beavis. Whoa! We should write a children's book.
Oh, yeah yeah. Yeah, I mean, it's easy, you know? Anyone can do it.
Uh, we'll call it "Zong and His Schlong."
Oh, I know, I know! "It is the land of Zshoing, that's where I'm going. Because the chicks there make me go boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!"
And then like, that animal there, we could call it a Lumbass. And then like, someone could say "What is that?" "It is a Lumbass, dumbass!"
Next thing you know, we're beloved by children.
"There once was a Kwut, who looked like a butt. When he stood up, people said, 'Uh, what?'" Or something.
There, see? See? That's like- that's like ten pages right there!
Oh yeah! Okay Beavis, get to work drawing a Kwut.
[pulls out a notepad] Yeah, okay. What does it look like?
Uh, I already told you, he looks like a butt. You're just like the Lumbass who's a dumbass.
Oh yeah, I love that guy! Okay, let me put that in there... wait a minute! You know, "Lumbass the Dumbass" could be a whole other book! We could have two books!
Uh, oh yeah.
I mean, you could do a whole series, you know? You could do like, um, "Kwut the Butt Goes to the Doctor."
Yeah. "His name was Dr. Zucks. And he sucks."
Boy, this stuff just writes itself.
Old Butt-head Yeah. "He had a friend named McVestibles, who looked like a pair of testicles."
Yeah, we'll probably even like win an award for, like, teaching kids about their- you know, their body parts. You know, we make it fun.
"The award was called the Schnads, and it looked like a pair of golden nads."
Oh oh, and then maybe someone will make it into a movie so we don't have to read it!
That would be cool. You know how people always say the book was better than the movie? No one will say that about this movie.
Yeah, it's gonna be cool!
Doug E. Fresh, "I-ight (Alright)
[a woman is shown bouncing her breasts]
Thingies! Thingies!
Rap videos are cool because, like, they don't mess around with a bunch of crap that you don't want to see.
Yeah. They show, like, bouncing boobs.
Yeah!
Yeah, yeah! Boobs! BOOBS! BOOBS!
BBBeavis and Butt-head
I-ight!
I-ight!
BBBeavis and Butt-head
I-ight!
Hey, Butt-head. Isn't "I-ight" what that dude Gilligan says when that fat dude tells him to do something?
Yeah. He's like, "I-ight, Skipper! Here are those coconuts!"
Yeah, yeah. Or like, "I-ight! I brought some of the explosives out of the lagoon!"
Yeah. That Skipper dude is a bunghole. [imitating the Skipper] "Uhhhhh, Gilligan!"
Yeah. He should go, like, "I quit, fat dude. You can get your own damn coconuts. I-ight! I-ight!"
[Doug E. Fresh clicks his teeth]
Whoa! Is he spitting?
Yeah, yeah! Yeah!
DEDoug E. Fresh
To the Uptown crew, nuff respect, to my man Shock Dog...
What about me? Yeah. What about me? To my man Beavis, nuff respect!
Yeah. To my man Butt-head, nuff respect!
BBBeavis and Butt-head
I-ight!
Ronnie Dunn, "Let the Cowboy Rock
Who is this, Smart Butt-head?
This is an Earthling named Ronnie Dunn. He is a singer of country songs. He is the best and smartest that Earth has to offer. He has won 27 Academy of Country Music awards for master works such as "Cost of Livin'", and "Mama Don't Get Dressed Up for Nothing."
Ah, yes. So country music has an academy?
Yes they do. Perhaps we could teach there, if they don't already have instructors in non-gravitational propulsion, or advanced mathematics across fractional dimensions.
We would instantly be the smartest professors at the country music academy, for humans are stupid.
Yes. Very stupid.
I don't know why, but this music is making me love America.
This video also makes me want to worship the man they call Jesus.
Yes, yes, indeed yes.
They have finally made music for ordinary space people like us.
Those of us from the heartland of space who work hard and deserve to unwind.
Yes, yes.
I wish there was more footage of the females in this video.
Yes, yes. It is a veritable intergalactic festival of sausage, Smart Beavis.
Ah, yes yes, so called because an intergalactic sausage looks like a space-penis. Yes it does, yes.
Quite humerous.
Notice the females are becoming intoxicated. It is part of their ritual of scoring. On this planet, the slut is shamed.
Ah, yes yes. Quite primitive, quite primitive.
Yes. Your mother is a slut. I had non-procreational sexual intercourse with your mother.
Thank you, Smart Butt-head. I am honored, for on our planet, we have realized long ago that the slut is not to be shamed, but to be honored.
Yes, and your mother is quite honorable.
Again, thank you, Smart Butt-head.
It is said that there are more men that have been inside your mother than there are Planck lengths in the entire diameter of the universe.
... Let us talk more about this video, Smart Butt-head, and not of my mother. [a horseback rider is seen] Is this the cowboy's wife?
I believe that it is called a horse, Smart Beavis.
I did not ask you to evaluate the wife's appearance, Smart Butt-head. I'm just asking, are they married?
Humor detected.
Yes, humorous. Quite humorous.
Yes, yes. Humorous in the way of the belt of the borscht.
Yes, yes. And the mountainous region of the Catskills. Yes.
Josie Dunne, "Good Boys
[as a group of firemen are shown]
Oh God... firemen, yeah.
Yeah.
Those firemen, they're always like, like, being heroes and getting medals and stuff, but all they do is just sit around and wait and play checkers and like um, do bachelorette parties, and then as soon as I wanna burn something, they come and put it out! Yeah. I remember the first time I found out what firemen do, I was little, and I was in this vacant lot, and I started a fffire, and then the firemen showed up, and then they, they brought out this firehose, and I was like "Yeah, cool, a fffirehose! Yeah!" But guess what comes out of the firehose. Just guess, I want you to guess.
Everyone knows what comes out of a firehose.
No no, it's not what you think. I'll give you a hint: it's not fire. It's water! Can you believe that? And then they just put it out, and then they told me a bunch of stuff, how fire is bad, and then they took me back to my mom. You know, they should call them watermen! Yeah. That's what I call them, when I'm not calling them "son of a bitches."
You thought firemen start fires?
Yeah yeah, I mean, you know, the garbage man just like spreads garbage everywhere, I mean why not? I just thought, you know, the fireman, yeah. I mean they did save my life four times, you know, so... yeah, maybe they're not all bad, I don't know. Son of a bitches. Never meet your heroes.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Beavis and Butt-Head pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.