RDRick Derringer
I am a real American...
BeavisYeah, yeah! He fights for what is right!
Beavis
He fights! He fights!
He's, like, a good role model, 'cause he just, like, did whatever it took to get big, like, he took those steroid pills.
Beavis
Oh yeah, yeah, those things you, like, you shove 'em up your butt when have hemorrhoids.
No, Beavis, those are depositories. These are these pills that make you, like, all big and strong, but then they, like, make your nads shrink.
Beavis
Whoa! What's the point?
Yeah, really. It's like, you know, I may be only like, above average strength, but it's like, at least I haven't messed around with my nads.
Beavis
Yeah, really!
Beavis
Um, is this Colonel Sanders?
Uhh...no, dumbass. Colonel Sanders has, like, a white jacket, and like, a bucket of chicken.
Beavis
Oh. Oh yeah, maybe this is his son.
This guy fries butt nuggets.
Beavis
Um, what's a butt nugget?
Here, I'll show you. [is shown grunting]
Beavis
Ahh! No thanks, Butt-head. I - I'm not that hungry.
Beavis
What's the deal with these guys? It's like, they got these long-haired guys and then they got this guy, like, in a dork outfit.
Uh...I think these guys are just, like, joking or something.
Beavis
Oh, really? Oh yeah. They're just, like, fooling around and stuff, huh?
Yeah. This isn't, like, a real video.
Beavis
Oh, oh yeah. Well, that's good, yeah.
'Cause if this was serious, it would suck.
Beavis
Yeah.
Beavis
Oh no, people on a couch! Is this "Friends"?
Uhh, no, it's a video. It's like, whenever they want to show that a band is just, like, you know, a great bunch of guys, they make 'em all crowd onto a couch.
Beavis
You know, that show "Friends" is stupid! It's like, they're always saying stupid stuff, and um, it's all intellectual and s - and something.
Dammit, Beavis, you're supposed to watch that show with the sound down and just check out the chicks.
Beavis
Yeah, but um, I don't know, even the chicks, like, that one chick is way too skinny. And her face looks like a scarecrow!
Uh, yeah, but her last name is Cox.
Beavis
You know, I think you're right, Butt-head, I think, um, there have been a lot of videos, you know, like, with um, where uh, the whole band is on a couch.
Beavis
You know, Butt-head, um, maybe you should get rid of this couch and, you know, and get us some chairs to go sit in, you know, change of pace.
Hey, King Turd, go out and buy 'em yourself if you don't like this couch!
Beavis
What did you call me?
I called you "King Turd." 'Cause that's what you are.
Beavis
Um...um, that sounds kinda like a compliment, Butt-head.
[as Cale Dodds approaches an overweight man at a diner who failed to get a date]
"Uh, hello, I'm country star Cale Dodds. I used to be a loser like you. Uh, I mean, not like you, exactly."
Beavis
"Yeah, you know what I mean, I was in a band. All the chicks liked me and all that, you know."
"I was nothing like you. You're a loser."
Uh, this is like all those movies where like, the good-looking cool guy teaches the dork how to score, and he like, trains him.
Beavis
Oh yeah, yeah.
Beavis
He's like, "you know, now that I paid for your meal, why don't you come back to my place and try on some clothes for me?"
He's gonna wind up in a shallow grave. [cackles] They told us about these kinds of guys in health class.
Beavis
All the warning signs were there.
They may come across as friendly at first. They might even sing you a country song. But beware.
Beavis
They might buy you breakfast, but that breakfast isn't free.
Here's what happened to a young man who went home with Cale Dodds.
[after a girl trips in a bar and is caught by the overweight man, and she looks at him lovingly]
Uh, the only way he can score is to go to a club and sit around and wait for a girl to trip and fall over.
Beavis
Yeah, maybe I should try that.
As soon as the director says "cut", that hot girl's gonna leave the dork and go score with Cale Dodds.
Beavis
And then the dork is gonna go home alone, put on a new shirt, and spank his monkey.
Now that's a country song.
[as the video opens with Doja Cat riding on the head of a giant animated horned-creature]
Old Beavis
Whoa! Whoa, what is that thing?
Uhhh, I think it's like, from Dr. Suess or something.
Old Beavis
Oh yeah. You know, the thing about Dr. Suess is, he's not very good, you know? It's like... he'll say like, "There's a cloothplush on my toothbrush!" And then he just draws a fake animal, you know? Anyone could do that!
Old Beavis
See, it's like that chick there, you know I could say, "Oh, that chick is named Zood, and she gives me wood!" See?
Uh, whoa! That was pretty good, Beavis. Whoa! We should write a children's book.
Old Beavis
Oh, yeah yeah. Yeah, I mean, it's easy, you know? Anyone can do it.
Uh, we'll call it "Zong and His Schlong."
Old Beavis
Oh, I know, I know! "It is the land of Zshoing, that's where I'm going. Because the chicks there make me go boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!"
And then like, that animal there, we could call it a Lumbass. And then like, someone could say "What is that?" "It is a Lumbass, dumbass!"
Old Beavis
Next thing you know, we're beloved by children.
"There once was a Kwut, who looked like a butt. When he stood up, people said, 'Uh, what?'" Or something.
Old Beavis
There, see? See? That's like- that's like ten pages right there!
Oh yeah! Okay Beavis, get to work drawing a Kwut.
Old Beavis
[pulls out a notepad] Yeah, okay. What does it look like?
Uh, I already told you, he looks like a butt. You're just like the Lumbass who's a dumbass.
Old Beavis
Oh yeah, I love that guy! Okay, let me put that in there... wait a minute! You know, "Lumbass the Dumbass" could be a whole other book! We could have two books!
Old Beavis
I mean, you could do a whole series, you know? You could do like, um, "Kwut the Butt Goes to the Doctor."
Yeah. "His name was Dr. Zucks. And he sucks."
Old Beavis
Boy, this stuff just writes itself.
Old Butt-head Yeah. "He had a friend named McVestibles, who looked like a pair of testicles."
Old Beavis
Yeah, we'll probably even like win an award for, like, teaching kids about their- you know, their body parts. You know, we make it fun.
"The award was called the Schnads, and it looked like a pair of golden nads."
Old Beavis
Oh oh, and then maybe someone will make it into a movie so we don't have to read it!
That would be cool. You know how people always say the book was better than the movie? No one will say that about this movie.
Old Beavis
Yeah, it's gonna be cool!
BBBeavis and Butt-head
I-ight!
BBBeavis and Butt-head
I-ight!
Beavis
Hey, Butt-head. Isn't "I-ight" what that dude Gilligan says when that fat dude tells him to do something?
Yeah. He's like, "I-ight, Skipper! Here are those coconuts!"
Beavis
Yeah, yeah. Or like, "I-ight! I brought some of the explosives out of the lagoon!"
Yeah. That Skipper dude is a bunghole. [imitating the Skipper] "Uhhhhh, Gilligan!"
Beavis
Yeah. He should go, like, "I quit, fat dude. You can get your own damn coconuts. I-ight! I-ight!"
Beavis and Butt-Head · 2,204 quotes