Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Butt-head

Whoa! Is he spitting?

Beavis

Yeah, yeah! Yeah!

To the Uptown crew, nuff respect, to my man Shock Dog...

Beavis

What about me? Yeah. What about me? To my man Beavis, nuff respect!

Butt-head

Yeah. To my man Butt-head, nuff respect!

I-ight!

Smart Beavis

Who is this, Smart Butt-head?

Smart Butt-head

This is an Earthling named Ronnie Dunn. He is a singer of country songs. He is the best and smartest that Earth has to offer. He has won 27 Academy of Country Music awards for master works such as "Cost of Livin'", and "Mama Don't Get Dressed Up for Nothing."

Smart Beavis

Ah, yes. So country music has an academy?

Smart Butt-head

Yes they do. Perhaps we could teach there, if they don't already have instructors in non-gravitational propulsion, or advanced mathematics across fractional dimensions.

Smart Beavis

We would instantly be the smartest professors at the country music academy, for humans are stupid.

Smart Butt-head

Yes. Very stupid.

Smart Butt-head

I don't know why, but this music is making me love America.

Smart Beavis

This video also makes me want to worship the man they call Jesus.

Smart Butt-head

Yes, yes, indeed yes.

Smart Beavis

They have finally made music for ordinary space people like us.

Smart Butt-head

Those of us from the heartland of space who work hard and deserve to unwind.

Smart Beavis

Yes, yes.

Smart Beavis

I wish there was more footage of the females in this video.

Smart Butt-head

Yes, yes. It is a veritable intergalactic festival of sausage, Smart Beavis.

Smart Beavis

Ah, yes yes, so called because an intergalactic sausage looks like a space-penis. Yes it does, yes.

Smart Butt-head

Quite humerous.

Smart Butt-head

Notice the females are becoming intoxicated. It is part of their ritual of scoring. On this planet, the slut is shamed.

Smart Beavis

Ah, yes yes. Quite primitive, quite primitive.

Smart Butt-head

Yes. Your mother is a slut. I had non-procreational sexual intercourse with your mother.

Smart Beavis

Thank you, Smart Butt-head. I am honored, for on our planet, we have realized long ago that the slut is not to be shamed, but to be honored.

Smart Butt-head

Yes, and your mother is quite honorable.

Smart Beavis

Again, thank you, Smart Butt-head.

Smart Butt-head

It is said that there are more men that have been inside your mother than there are Planck lengths in the entire diameter of the universe.

Smart Beavis

... Let us talk more about this video, Smart Butt-head, and not of my mother. [a horseback rider is seen] Is this the cowboy's wife?

Smart Butt-head

I believe that it is called a horse, Smart Beavis.

Smart Beavis

I did not ask you to evaluate the wife's appearance, Smart Butt-head. I'm just asking, are they married?

Smart Butt-head

Humor detected.

Smart Beavis

Yes, humorous. Quite humorous.

Smart Butt-head

Yes, yes. Humorous in the way of the belt of the borscht.

Smart Beavis

Yes, yes. And the mountainous region of the Catskills. Yes.

Beavis

Oh God... firemen, yeah.

Butt-head

Yeah.

Beavis

Those firemen, they're always like, like, being heroes and getting medals and stuff, but all they do is just sit around and wait and play checkers and like um, do bachelorette parties, and then as soon as I wanna burn something, they come and put it out! Yeah. I remember the first time I found out what firemen do, I was little, and I was in this vacant lot, and I started a fffire, and then the firemen showed up, and then they, they brought out this firehose, and I was like "Yeah, cool, a fffirehose! Yeah!" But guess what comes out of the firehose. Just guess, I want you to guess.

Butt-head

Everyone knows what comes out of a firehose.

Beavis

No no, it's not what you think. I'll give you a hint: it's not fire. It's water! Can you believe that? And then they just put it out, and then they told me a bunch of stuff, how fire is bad, and then they took me back to my mom. You know, they should call them watermen! Yeah. That's what I call them, when I'm not calling them "son of a bitches."

Butt-head

You thought firemen start fires?

Beavis

Yeah yeah, I mean, you know, the garbage man just like spreads garbage everywhere, I mean why not? I just thought, you know, the fireman, yeah. I mean they did save my life four times, you know, so... yeah, maybe they're not all bad, I don't know. Son of a bitches. Never meet your heroes.

Butt-head

This song, it's like, it sounds like everything else sounds like right now.

Beavis

Yeah, it's like, it's like, there's about a bazillion bands that, like, sound exactly like this right now.

Butt-head

Yeah.

Beavis

Um, at least they're breaking stuff.

Butt-head

M hm.

Butt-head

Whoa! They're putting honey on grapes?

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. That's cool. Yeah. Remember that movie where they buried that guy up to his neck, and then like, put honey him and brought out the ants?

Butt-head

Yeah! That was cool.

Beavis

Yeah. Yeah. I tried that once, but it's like, it's like, I buried myself up to my neck, and just like, I forgot to get the honey.

Butt-head

You dumbass.

Beavis

So it's like, so then I dug myself out, but it's like, I was too lazy to like, you know, do it again.

Butt-head

Yeah. Remember that time I tried to bury you up to your neck?

Beavis

Yeah, but you did it wrong. The guy in the movie was, like, feet first.

Butt-head

Oh yeah. Then you got all freaked out and ran up and down the street with your pants around your ankles.

Beavis

I didn't really run, I just kinda hopped. It was cool.

Beavis

Uh... oh boy...

Butt-head

Uh, I think they're making soup.

Beavis

Oh, yeah yeah. You know what they always say about soup, Butt-head. It's always better the next day, you know what I mean? Wonder if um, wonder if they put soup in this video because this is like- maybe it's one of those songs that sounds better, like, the second time you hear it?

Butt-head

Uh, no. I saw this video yesterday. It sucks worse now.

Butt-head

"You call this soup, woman?"

Beavis

Yeah, yeah! "Go to the store, and get me some Progresso, biatch!"

Butt-head

"This soup tastes worse than these songs you write."

Beavis

Is this a commercial?

Butt-head

Yeah, it's a commercial for MTV's House of Butts.

Beavis

She sings better than Cindy Crawford.

Butt-head

Yeah. It's high noon on my sundial.

Beavis

She said "cream."

Butt-head

Yeah. Excuse me, Beavis, I have to go spank my monkey.

Butt-head

Whoa! These chicks are horny!

Beavis

YEAH! YEAH! How come chicks are only horny like that, like, on TV?

Butt-head

Uhh...they have these places where horny chicks are, but it's like, you gotta have a fake ID.

Beavis

Oh. Oh yeah.

Butt-head

Dammit. I've seen this video about a million times!

Beavis

Yeah yeah, me too! I've watched this video, like, a zillion times, and it's like, she still never takes her clothes off! I keep, like, waiting for her to get out of that tub or something. She never does!

Butt-head

Beavis, it's the same video! If she doesn't get naked the first time you see it, she's never gonna get naked.

Beavis

How do you know, Butt-head? You know, she might, like, decide to get crazy or something. Here it comes. See? Stand up, stand up! STAND UP!

Butt-head

Beavis! She's not gonna be naked! It's the same video every time!

Beavis

No way, Butt-head. You don't know that. I th - I think she's gonna be naked. Yeah! Yeah, yeah! Maybe she'll do it this time! Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Show it!

Butt-head

Dumbass.