Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Beavis

These guys are good dancers.

Butt-head

Yeah. I wish I was more like them.

Beavis

Yeah. Me too.

Butt-head

[scoffs] Trees.

Beavis

Yeah. I don't think I shall ever see anything as stupid as a tree.

Butt-head

Do you like her hair up or down, Beavis?

Beavis

I think with this particular outfit, it looks better up.

Butt-head

Do you think if this band was playing in the forest, and like, a tree fell on 'em, 'cause they sucked, do you think anybody would be there?

Beavis

No one would hear 'em, because they'd be dead!

Butt-head

Yeah, but what if, like, the tree fell, and it only, like, hit a couple of 'em, and then-- hey Beavis! What are your hands doing in your pocket?

Beavis

I'm just looking for my lighter.

Butt-head

Uh huh. You've been looking for about 15 minutes.

Beavis

Yeah.

Beavis

How come they're showing all these guys' crotches?

Butt-head

Uh, I think this is like a masturbation experiment.

Beavis

Yeah, it's about time, you know? Because I've always been saying that we need to have more funds for masturbation research.

Butt-head

Uh, yeah really. The Chinese are killing us.

Butt-head

Masturbation frequency dialed in.

Beavis

[the man starts to see erotic women in the helmet's visor] Yeah, you know, it's about time they spend my tax dollars on something I can use, know what I'm saying? My masturbation helmet doesn't have naked chicks in it!

Butt-head

Uh, you have a masturbation helmet?

Beavis

I mean, it's a football helmet. Safety first.

Butt-head

Uh, okay Beavis.

Beavis

"You have now masturbated. Congratulations."

Butt-head

"You may go, but leave the helmet."

Beavis

Whoa! He has to use the same helmet as that other guy?

Butt-head

Yeah. The doctor's like, "No no, no one's used this before. It's brand new."

Beavis

"Why's it all steamy?"

Butt-head

"Those are special gases we use to enhance the masturbation.

Butt-head

Uh, so that's this guy's fantasy?

Beavis

Yeah, what kind of sick bastard is fantasizing about this, on MY tax dollars?!

Butt-head

Yeah. I think it's part of the stimulus package?

Beavis

I wonder if like, when you're done, you can use that helmet to watch like, Meet the Fockers or something. That would be cool.

Beavis

Um, how come all these hot girls are working construction?

Butt-head

Uhh, this is what happens when hot girls don't go to college.

Beavis

What are they building?

Butt-head

They're like, erecting a structure... in my pants.

Beavis

You're pretty funny, Butt-head. That was pretty good.

Butt-head

Thank you.

Butt-head

Whatever they're building would probably collapse, but nobody would care. They'd just keep hiring them.

Beavis

They're like, "Oh no, that's okay, just um, tear it down and build a new one. Real slow.

Butt-head

Boy, if there was an earthquake, I wouldn't wanna be in a building these chicks built.

Beavis

Oh, yeah yeah.

Butt-head

I'd like to be under her boobs during an earthquake, though.

Beavis

You know, I like this. For some reason, I like this video.

Butt-head

Yeah. Every video from now on should be exactly like this.

Beavis

Yeah, but longer.

Butt-head

Hey, look! She's running away from home, and she's only 30!

Beavis

Yeah, yeah.

Beavis

Girls! Girls! Girls! Girls!

Butt-head

Yeah!

Butt-head

She's a hooker! [Pat's father is shown] His daughter's a hooker!

Beavis

Yeah.

Butt-head

She's singing to the homeless!

Beavis

Yeah.

Butt-head

Hey, Beavis. What are the homeless?

Beavis

I don't know.