Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Beavis

Hey, Butt-head. How come, like, when you go to the dentist, sometimes they call the bathroom the laboratory?

Butt-head

Uh...I don't know.

Beavis

Maybe it's 'cause, like, that's where the dentist goes when he inspects your nads.

Butt-head

Your dentist inspects your nads?

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. Doesn't yours?

Butt-head

No. That's what the doctor does, Beavis.

Beavis

My dentist always looks at my nads. I have full coverage. Yeah.

Beavis

You know what license I always wondered how you get? A license to kill. You know, the 007? Like James Bond? How do you get one of those?

Butt-head

Uhh, I think first you have to get, like a learner's permit to kill when you're 16, and then there's like a written test.

Beavis

I don't do good on written tests, but um, that's one thing I might actually like go to school for and like take a test, you know, because um, because that would be cool, you know? 'Cause then like, when a cop pulls you over, and he's like, "Excuse me sir, the reason I pulled you over is you just killed somebody back there. Do you have your license to kill on you, sir? And your registration, please?"

Butt-head

Yeah. And then I'd just shoot him.

Beavis

No, that won't work, Butt-head. He's probably got a bulletproof vest, and he won't die, and you'll just get in a bunch of trouble.

Butt-head

You're right, Beavis. Violence is never the answer. Choose to defuse.

Beavis

Yeah, exactly.

Butt-head

Peace...

Beavis

Um... huh. Some of these girls look like Olivia Rodrigo. You know? Like that one... see, and that one. See what I'm saying?

Butt-head

Uh, they're all Olivia Rodrigo, dumbass.

Beavis

Whoa, really? See, her putting herself in this video over and over again like that, it's like taking jobs away from like 20 other hot chicks! It's not fair!

Butt-head

Yeah, really. It's messed up.

Beavis

You know, it's hard enough for hot chicks to get jobs. I mean, just look around! They never seem to be working!

Butt-head

That's right, because hot chicks have a... smegma attached to 'em or something.

Beavis

Oh, yeah yeah. Because society has smegatized them, and then they have to like be a hot chick for like 50 years just to afford a house!

Butt-head

That's right, Beavis. And hot chicks take the jobs that most Americans aren't willing to do.

Beavis

Yeah yeah, exactly!

Beavis

You know, in all seriousness, if I like, had a clone, I'm pretty sure I could kick his ass.

Butt-head

The only thing you'd beat is your meat.

Beavis

Oh yeah yeah. But wait a second... wait a second! I just thought of something else! So like, if I had a clone, and the clone sat on his hand until it was numb, and then he spanked my monkey, then it would feel like someone else!

Butt-head

Dammit, Beavis... you're a genius. We gotta get clones.

Beavis

Yeah! As soon as possible!

[dancing with a group of cheerleaders] Well, good for you, you look happy and healthy, not me, if you ever cared to ask. Good for you...

Beavis

You know, these cheerleaders don't seem all that great, you know.

Butt-head

Yeah really. The cheerleaders at our school are better than this, and half of them are pregnant.

Butt-head

The coach is like, "Olivia Rodrigo, I've been noticing you've been half-assing it at practice. You're supposed to be cheering for the Fighting Dolphins, not yelling about your boyfriend."

Beavis

"When you wear this uniform, you rep the school! Now if you wanna go burn down your boyfriend's house, you do it in your street clothes! This is not gonna help us beat the Wildcats!"

Beavis

You know, I would love to have a girl this mad at me, because that means that I scored with her before, you know?

Butt-head

Yeah. No girl will ever be this pissed off about you, Beavis.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah... no one's ever gonna burn down my house. I guess I'll just have to do it myself.

Butt-head

You'll die alone.

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head.

Butt-head

Is this Predator?

Beavis

Um, I think this is Mortal Kombat. Yeah, yeah! They're gonna pull that guy's spine out! YAAAAHHHHH! AAAAHHHH!

Butt-head

Yeah!

Butt-head

Maybe these are, like, those Desert Storm goggles.

Beavis

Yeah. That was cool. The mother of all wars has begun! YAAAAAAAOOOOOOWWWWWWWW! Incoming scud!

Butt-head

You're pretty cool sometimes, Beavis.

Beavis

Yeah. Yeah. Thanks.

Beavis

Hey, Butt-head. Remember when we saw that thing on TV about that dude in this band who, like, married that chick?

Butt-head

Oh yeah! He married his son's daughter, and then it's, like, his son married his mom.

Beavis

Oh yeah, yeah. And so like, so like, the uh, like - like - like, his son was like, uh, a dork.

Butt-head

So like, his own son was, like, his stepdad.

Beavis

And then like, his mom was actually, um, uh, a slut.

Butt-head

Yeah! She's a slut! And then it turned out that that dude was only 16.

Beavis

Yeah.

Beavis

Whoa, hey Butt-head, check it out, it's the liar! "Liar, Liar, I'll rip your guts out! I'll kick your ass! Liar!"

Butt-head

Shut up! Those aren't the words.

Beavis

WHOA, WHORES! Check it out, Butt-head! Whores!

Butt-head

Yeah! Whores rule.

Butt-head

That would suck to be a cab driver.

Beavis

Um, no wait, Butt-head, I think it'd be pretty cool. I'd be a good cab driver, I'd be, like, "Where are you going today, ma'am? Okay. How do you get there?"

Butt-head

You would suck, Beavis. You sounded like a stupid dork. You're never gonna be able to do anything.

Beavis

That would be cool.

Beavis

Check out this part, Butt-head. "Excuse me, hey. Hey, excuse me, pardon me. Hey! Hey, dammit! Hey! Hey, watch it! Dammit! Dammit! Man!"

Butt-head

Beavis, just shut up.

Beavis

Um...um, okay. Yeah.

Butt-head

Dammit. Just when you think something cool's about to happen, he starts showing off how strong he is.

Beavis

Butt-head, I don't want to hear you complaining on this video. This is about the only cool thing we've seen in a long time.

Butt-head

Beavis, don't ever take that tone with me.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah.

Butt-head

This dude used to be the lead singer for Van Halen. They got that video, "Right Now."

Beavis

Yeah. That's that video with all those words on the screen.

Butt-head

Yeah. Like, "Right now, David wishes he had his old job back."

Beavis

Yeah. Like, "Right now, David is planning to kill Sammy Hagar."

Butt-head

"Right now, David is trying to convince some chick that he used to be the lead singer for Van Halen."

Beavis

Yeah. Yeah.