Smart Butt-head quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Butt-head

Dammit Beavis, put that away. You're not supposed to have your penis out while you're cooking.

Beavis

Oh...oh yeah. [angry customer drives away]

Butt-head

Err, can I take your order?

Butt-head

Uhh...what seems to be the problem there, Beavis?

Beavis

My thingie itches. It's like the wrong color or something...check it out.

Butt-head

Uhh...no thanks, Beavis.

Beavis

(continuing to scratch his pubic area) Ow, rrr, ehh! Ahh!

An outbreak of tainted meat has struck the local Burger World, and once again raised the question of how meat should be handled.

Butt-head

Huhuhuh...ask the expert.

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head! (continues scratching)

Pending a health inspection, Burger World will remain closed.

Beavis

This sucks!

Butt-head

Yeah! We lost our jobs!

Beavis

No! My weiner still itches!

Butt-head

Face it Beavis, you have a problem with your penis. Maybe you should wash it or something.

Beavis

Yeah, I'll just...wait, with water? No way, then it'll get all wet.

Butt-head

Life is hard, Beavis.

Beavis

Stewart's dad's dirty magazines.

Butt-head

We've torn out all the pages with butts on them, but there's still plenty of good boobs left.

  Warning.  The following feature presentation is not rated.  It contains scenes of full frontal nudity and extreme violence.  Viewer discretion is advised.

  Yes!

Beavis

  Yes!

Butt-head

  Discretion is cool.

Beavis

  Pay-per-view rules.  It rules!

Beavis

  How's it going?

  Beavis? Butt-Head? What happened?! Where's the couch?! Where's the t. v.?!

Butt-Head

  Uhh, the movers took it dude.

  OHHHH!! Movers?! You idiots! We've been robbed!

Butt-Head

  Robbed? We were here all day. We didn't see any robbers.

  You guys are in big trouble.

Butt-head

Pole-vaulters. Baton Passers. Javelin throwers. [a javelin hits Beavis's hand. Beavis screams] Whoa. [Butt-head removes the javelin from Beavis] You dumbass. I'd warn you. [Buzz-Cut blows his whistle]

Buzzcut

All right, men! Hit the showers! Now!

Buzzcut

Where in the hell do you think you're going?

Butt-head

Uhhh... to class?

Beavis

Umm.. yeah, yeah, to class, me too.

Buzzcut

Maybe you didn't hear me when I told you to hit the showers!

Butt-head

Uhh, we thought you were like, talking to somebody else?

Buzzcut

I was talking to everybody!

Butt-head

But like, uhh... we didn't sweat.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If it's all the same sir, um, I'd just like to wait till I get home to take a shower. That'll be great.

Buzzcut

Look at you boy! You're covered in crap!

Beavis

Uhmmm... That was last week. This is blood, sir.

Buzzcut

Name of this class is Physical Education! And that includes proper personal hygiene! Hit the showers now, or fail!

Butt-head

Uhhh... Well, it looks kinda crowded in there.

Buzzcut

Do I have to undress you myself, Butt-head?

Butt-head

Uh, no?

Beavis

no?

Beavis

This sucks. I hate taking showers.

Butt-head

Yeah, I don't want some naked dudes standing with a schlong right next to me.

Beavis

Yeah, really! I don't want some naked dude standing next to me with his schlong slinging around saying 'Hey good game man.'

Butt-head

And you better not look at me, fart-knocker, or I'll kick your ass.

Beavis

You look at me, I'm gonna kick your ass.

Hey Beavis and Butt-Head, are you guys gonna finally take a shower?

Butt-head

Uhhh... ummm... hey dude.

I've never seen you guys take a shower before.

Butt-head

Uhhh... Yeah.

How come you guys never take a shower?

Butt-head

Hey Beavis, it's all clear.

Hey Beavis, can you help me with this?

Buzzcut

I am beginning to wonder if you boys have ever taken a shower in your lives. What in the hell do you think you're doing with your underwear still on?

Beavis

Um, we don't want anybody looking at our nads.

Butt-head

Yeah, are you one of those gym teachers that likes to hang out and watch dudes in the shower?

Buzzcut

Dammit, boys, you have pushed me to the limit! You're not getting out of it this time! I'm gonna tear your - [the fire alarm begins to go off] That's the fire alarm! Now hurry up and get out of here!

Butt-Head

Dude, we have been saved by the power supreme.

Beavis

Yeah, fire drills rule.

Buzzcut

Are you deaf? That's the fire alarm! Get the hell out of here now!

Butt-Head

Uhhh... We're just gonna like, get dressed first.

Beavis

We'll be right out. See you later.

Buzzcut

That is a FIRE ALARM! That means the school may be burning down! Now if you don't get the hell out of here, I'm gonna personally grab you by the grundies AND DRAG YOU OUTSIDE IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE STUDENT BODY! SO GET THE HELL OUT! NOW!

Butt-Head

Uhhh... uhhh...

Buzzcut

Get out there before I drag you out!

You do know what a dog like this eats?

Butt-Head

Uhh.. garbage.

What do you do if your dog accendently goes to the bathroom in your house.

Beavis

(Fending off the dog in the backround) Rub his nose in it.

Butt-head

Uhh I'd kick his ass.

Beavis

Rub his nose in it, then kick his ass.

  We'll be right back with more of the life cycle of the dung beetle right after this.

Butt-head

  Huh, huh, huh.  Dung.

Beavis

  Yeah.  Dung.

  It's cold in here.

Beavis

  Hey, Butt-head, that dog just talked.

Butt-head

  He did not, dumbass.

  Won't you please take me into your nice, warm home?

Butt-head

  See, his lips aren't moving.

Beavis

  Oh, yeah.

Butt-head

  He's, like, communicating tele-pathetically.

Beavis

  Oh, yeah.

  Every year, we kill thousands of dogs like the ones you see here, just because they weren't adopted in time.  We don't like to do it, but we have to.  It's the law.

Butt-head

  Whoa.

  Adopt a dog now, before it's too late.

Butt-head

  Hey, Beavis, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Beavis

  Yeah.  Those dung beetles are pretty cool.

Butt-head

  Dumbass.