Bomber...Cheers, Neville.
There must be some way I can save a bit more of me money.
Bomber
Aye. This is it. Sitting in at night, feeling bloody miserable. A working man's entitled to his leisure, Neville. He shouldn't feel guilty about it.
Aye, I know, I know. It's just... if I earned a bit more, yer kna... I wouldn't feel so guilty about going out with the lads.
Bomber
Don't be so sure. Bomber's first law of economics is, the more income he gives me, the more I live beyond it. [Neville chuckles.] Perhaps you could do with a little spare-time job. A bit of moonlighting.
[Sighs] Fat chance. [Walks over to Bomber's bed.] Anyway, what are you doin' in tonight, Bomb? You're not saving as well, are ye?
Bomber
[Sighs] Not exactly. Bomber just needs to think a bit. That's all.
I don't wanna pry, Bomb, but, er... if there's any problem, yer kna?
Bomber
[Holds up the photo in the wallet] She's the problem. [Neville takes the photo.] Tracy, my sixteen-year-old.
Bomber
She ran away from home.
Bomber
It might be nothing, of course. She... left a note. It didn't say she ran off with a used car salesman, or some beat group.
So what are you gonna do? Phone the police?
Bomber
The wife already did that this morning. If we haven't heard anything by Sunday, I'll have to go back.
Well, look. I'll have a word with the lads, and we'll have a whip-round for your plane ride.
Bomber
Thanks, Neville, but don't do that. Don't want everyone with long faces.
No, I suppose not. [Goes back to his beer] Hey, d'you fancy a beer over the club?
Bomber
I thought you were trying to save your money.
Well... I am, but, erm... it doesn't seem that important now.
Bomber
[Calling out to his wife] Patsy? [She's in the living room, going over the photo album.]
Bomber... [Puts the photo album down and rushes into the hall.] Oh, Bomber. I'm so glad to see you. [They hug.]
Bomber
All right, girl. All right. Is there any news at all?
[On the verge of tears] No. Nothing. The police come round last night, after you phoned. They wanted a photo of her.
Bomber
Well, they're onto something.
No. It was just routine, they said.
Bomber
[Softly] Oh, come on. Some keen-eyed young copper's probably spotted her even now.
Oh, God, I wish they had! [Breaks down in tears] I wish they had...
Bomber
[Comforting Patsy] It'll be all right. What about a nice cup of tea, huh? [Patsy just about manages to regain her composure.] The young 'uns gone to school?
Yeah, you just missed them. They said they'd come back dinner time to see you. [Goes over to the kitchen door.] Well, go on, then. Sit yourself down, I'll make the tea.
Here we are. [Gives Bomber a mug.]
Bomber
Thanks, my love. What did this note of Tracy's say, then?
Just says... [Picks up the note] "Nobody cares about me here, so I'm going somewhere else. Don't worry." [She gives the note to Bomber.]
Bomber
What does she mean "nobody cares"?
I don't know. [Sits in an armchair.]
Bomber
The two of you haven't been rucking, have you?
Bomber, we hardly see enough of each other to say hello, never mind have a ruck. I'm so busy, we only meet in the kitchen at breakfast and teatime. Evenings, she's doing her homework and I'm asleep in this armchair from exhaustion! If she had something on her mind, I'd be a fat lot of use to her. [Sighs] But then, I'm the only one she's got at home now.
Bomber
Oh, I thought this'd wind up my end of the table.
And why shouldn't it? If you'd been here instead of in Germany, none of this would've happened.
Bomber
If I'd have been here instead of in Germany, there wouldn't be an 'ere. Them bloody bailiffs'd have us all out by now. [Patsy sighs] You don't think I enjoy workin' abroad, do you?
Bomber
Being separated from you and the kids is the price I have to pay for keepin' our heads above water.
Life of Riley, that's what you lead out there, Bomber, and don't think I know that!
Bomber
[Gets up] Patsy, for pity's sake! Our daughter's gone missing, and listen to us. Now, I know you've got a lot on your plate, girl. Christ knows I do. But if I were to come back here to go on the dole, I'd drag you all under with me.
I'm sorry. [Bomber sits down] I'm so worried, I've got to take it out on someone.
Bomber
I know, girl. I know.
Bomber
...Dennis?
Bomber
[Breathes a sigh of relief] Oh thank God for that! [To Patsy] She's safe.
Bomber
[On the phone] Yes? ...Yes? ...I think that's the best as well.
Bomber
[On the phone] I'll head straight back there now. Cheers, Dennis. And thanks. [Puts the phone down.]
Bomber
You'll never guess what. Tracy turned up this morning, looking for me.
Bomber
Got all the way over there by herself!
[Relieved] Oh! [Hugs Bomber] Oh, my God! [Sits down] Oh... will she be all right?
Bomber
She'll be find, don't worry. She's staying in the hut with Dennis and Neville. [Suddenly realises] ...and Wayne... and Oz!
Bomber
Oh, table for seven... [Holds up six fingers and a thumb] Seven, eh?
WWaiter
Seven. Moment. Ich hole... (I get...) [Goes off.]
Just pull the tables together, man. [He pulls two tables together and they all take their seats.]
[To Bomber] Just like that one in Taunton, isn't it, dad?
Bomber
Very nice. Very nice.
[To Moxey] Hey, I tell you what, we should get Barry a vindaloo, eh? That'll get him back on the old beer.
Get 'im back on the portaloo an' all! [They all laugh. Except Barry.]
Right, listen, Oz, I'll handle it this time, okay? We don't want your Give Us a Clue routine upsetting the waiter. All right, Lionel?
All right. All right. Well, let's get him out. [Calls out] Hey, Sabu! [A waiter enters... it's Neville!] Bloody hell, it's Clive of India! [Everyone turns and looks at Neville]
Whoa! I've heard of the northwest frontier, but never the northeast!
[Laughs] That's what you've been doing, eh? Starring in Aladdin!
[Not amused] Aye, aye. Go on. Get 'em all over with!
Bomber
Oh, I should think we've only just started, boyo. [They laugh.]
[Singing] Oh doctor, I'm in trouble...
AAll
Goodness gracious me!
[Angry] That's right! Aye, have a good laugh! Just 'cos I show a bit of initiative and get meself a part-time job!
What on earth is Brenda saving for to reduce you to this, eh?
Well, if you must know, it's our fifth wedding anniversary later this year. I thought it'd be nice if we had a second honeymoon.
Dressed like that, eh? Lovely?
Give it a rest, Wayne, man, will yer?
So where were you thinkin' of goin'? New Delhi?
Dunno. Probably the same as the first time - Minorca.
I still dunno where Minorca is.
How do you think I feel? Neither do I!
How much do ya need, then?
That's just it, I've nearly got enough, Dennis. I'm just seein' out the week. I never thought you lot would find out.
Well, I tell you what, you get the order right tonight, we'll all put a good tip in, won't we, lads?
Oh aye, aye, aye. Now that we've got that... [Cracks up] ...Now that we've got that sorted out, can we have a bit of service, Gunga Din?
AAll
[Laugh. Then they start singing again as Neville gives them their menus] It goes boom diddy, boom diddy, boom diddy, boom diddy, boom diddy, boom diddy, boom boom boom!
[Shouts out as Neville makes for the kitchen] New lamps for old! New lamps for old!
Hey! Neville! Have they got any, er, chicken? [Squawks and flaps his elbows as a humiliated Neville retreats into the kitchen]
Bauer's right. It's full of holes. Look! According to this police report, they saw this girl, this Bettina, near the street where she lives. The patrol car spotted her, noticed she was in distress, but she ran away. They followed her on foot and caught up with her.
So what exactly is the point?
Look, she ran away, right? She didn't report it. She didn't go to the police or register a complaint or whatever they call it.
Right. so when she sees the law, does a runner.
Hmmm... but see, the prosecution might argue that the girl evaded the police because she didn't want the aggro, like. Oz, you see, most rape cases, they don't get reported, you know, because the victim don't want the stigma.
Yeah, fair enough, Barry, fair enough. But the other alternative is, she was, er... trying to protect somebody.
Bomber
Boyfriend?
The bloke she was with in the bar.
Bomber
There were shaggy-haired louts round her.
Ah! Nev's right. There was, there was one bloke in particular, right. She was having a right ding-dong with him, right? He looked very beady when Nev went off with her.
[Turns to Neville] Ah, that's why she tried to pull you, then. To get up the other geezer's nose.
Bomber
You mean it weren't Nev's irresistible charm? [Oz and Bomber chuckle]
HHelmut
Well... listen, I get friends. We find these... who you look for.
[Gets up] That's more like it! Let's find the bastards and give 'em a good...
Bomber
[Stands up in front of Oz] Pipe down, prannet! [Oz sits back down again.]
HHelmut
We know the bars, speak language. Ask questions.
Bomber
You need someone to identify them.
[Gets up] You and me go, Bomb. We'll know them.
Bomber
Right, by Jove. [He, Barry and Helmut leave the hut]
I'll make some coffee. [Gets up.]
[To Bomber, Barry and Helmut] Good luck, lads!
I'm going for a shower. Fancy a couple of jars later, Nev?
Right. You're on, Wayne. [Wayne leaves. Neville turns to Dennis] A thing like this really lets you know who your friends are, eh?
You're right there, it does that. Listen, er... there's something I've got to tell you.
[Gets up again] Look, I'd better get over the bar as well. I'll see you later, lads! [Oz makes a hasty exit.]
Brenda. She's coming over.
You didn't ring on Monday, yer see. She panicked, she rang the site... Oz was passing, like.
[Gets up, annoyed.] Oz! I might have bloody known!
Look, it wasn't entirely Oz's fault, Neville! Yer know, I mean, he was caught on the spot. I mean, he couldn't explain why you weren't available without her thinking you were ill or something. Anyway, I rang her straight back. But she was adamant. Anyway, she missed today's flight, but she'll be over first thing in the morning.
They should've kept me inside.
It'll be a bit of a squeeze.
Ah, but there's not much traffic on this type of road, man. Howay, let's give him a ride, eh? [Dennis stops the car. Neville winds his window down.] Howay!
Bomber
[Waking up] Why have we stopped?
Good Samaritans, aren't we? Hitch-hiker. [He runs across the bridge to the car.]
Bomber
Hey, it's a bloke! There's no room for a bloke! A Swedish girl, maybe we could fit her in, but... but not a bloke!
[Looks inside the car] ...Bitte?
...Where you go? [Points to the road ahead] You go east?
Cheers. [Gets in the back next to Moxey. They drive off.]
You, er, on holiday, are you?
Bomber
Took you a while to get a lift, did it?
Bomber
Where are you headed?
...This way. [Nods forward and chuckles]
It's a bit of a back road this, isn'it, if yer hitchin'?
...Well you... you can't hitch-hike on the Autobahns, can ya?
Ah, na. No. Suppose not. But hey, we're just headed to the back end of nowhere here, mind.
Bomber
You've no place in mind, then?
...No, I was... I was headed south, er... I know this girl in Munich.
It's not the way to Munich, this.
Well, I'm in no hurry, er... Thought I'd see a bit of the countryside first.
I'm a student. I'm, er... I'm just seeing a bit of the countryside.
Travel's an education in itself, isn'it?
So they say, yes. So they say.
Bomber
I'm Bomber, this is Moxey. [Points to the front seats] Dennis and Neville.
I'm Neville. [Points to Dennis] He's Dennis.
...I'm Colin. Listen... what do you lads do then?
Bomber
Best not to ask. Wanted by INTERPOL in eight countries, we are! [The lads laugh.]
Bomber
There's a river near where I live that's as good a stretch of salmon fishing as any. Not that I'm allowed to fish it. Toffs bought all the rights. But that doesn't stop ol' Bomber!
I'm glad we came, aren't you?
I'm glad I got here, mate. I nearly took a wrong road at Siegen.
It's just so... I dunno, different. It's like I'm seein' the real Germany.
Right, well you know, if you're gonna broaden our horizons, Nev, we've gotta escape from the confines of our professional situation.
Aye, that's what I'm always saying. Well, words to that effect.
Right. That's Oz's problem, you see, Nev. He's got no desire to educate himself, has he? [Neville shakes his head] Or acquire a knowledge of the outside world.
Elaine Surtees was just the same.
That, er... that girl I was telling you about, you know?
Oh, aye. Droitwich. The moustache.
Right, right, yeah. As you say. D'you know, the height of her ambition, Neville, was a semi in Codsall, right, and two weeks in the year in Magaluf. Nah, she... she would have stifled me, Neville.
There's no salmon fishing where I come from, y'know. I fished a canal once, though. Caught a plimsoll and a couple of contraceptives.
LLandlord
Good evening. I think you need more pils?
My shout. What do you want?
I'll have a pils. [Bomber points to his glass]
Pils, please. [The landlord asks for a word with Dennis]
LLandlord
You need more, erm... I must get another... [He can't think of the word.]
LLandlord
Crates! Yes, crate.
Are we getting through 'em that fast, are we?
LLandlord
That's good drinking, yes?
LLandlord
I'll bring it. [Heads to the back. Dennis joins the others, continuing the song]
[To Neville] Are you glad you came, son?
Aye, certainly. Brilliant, man.
Hey, Den, Den, Den! I was just saying... just saying to Neville it broadens the horizons, don't it?
It's a funny thing, though.
LLandlord
Hör mal! Das ist nicht ein Motorrad. (Hold up! That's not your motorbike!) [The figure runs off.] Halt! Komm mal her! (Stop! Come back here!)
LLandlord
Gentlemen! Gentlemen, I think someone try to steal the motorbike.
[Stands up, as does Dennis] What?!
LLandlord
No, he... he disappeared.
Ah, you never left the key in, did you, Barry?
Yeah... [The lads shout at Barry]
Bomber
That's asking for it, wasn't it?
I didn't think there'd be any trouble like that 'round here, did I?
That's real fresh air that, Neville.
I need that after last night's beer.
I hope you're keeping a tab on everything, Dennis.
Yeah. You know? Share all expenses, in't we? Even stevens, like. Hotel bills, hire of the rods, grub, you know. Stuff like that.
[Stops in front of Barry] Barry, d'you ever leave off, eh?
Look, Dennis, somebody's got to think of these things in the absence of an elected leader, you know, haven't they?
Mornin'! [Colin gets up. He's freezing.]
Bomber
Are you still here, lad?
I... I couldn't get a lift, so I kipped down.
Well, why didn't you stay with us? You could've stayed in the village.
...No, well I've been camping, y'see.
Bomber
Well, a bedroll don't take up much room, do it?
You've been sleepin' rough, haven't you?
Just last night, that's all.
I'll be okay, honest. I'm all right. [Starts to walk off.]
[To Colin] Listen. We're stayin' at a place in the village.
Right. There's my room key. Get yoursel' back there, have a hot bath, get yerself summat to eat, then have a good kip.
Go on, before you catch pneumonia.
[Takes the key] Cheers. Thanks very much. [Walks off towards town.]
C'mon, lads, we've got some fishin' to do!
Bomber
I knows one thing - that Colin's no student. We don't know where he's going, and he ain't camping 'cos he got no gear.
He looked scared stiff, if you ask me.
Ahhh... Despite your cynical exterior, Dennis, you... you give your fellow man the benefit of the doubt, don't you?
Hey... you trust people, you do.
Well, you've got to, haven't you?
Nah, nah, I'm not disputing it's an admirable attitude. No, no, no. I just... I'm just thinking, you know...
I was thinkin' that maybe it was, er... misplaced. You know, your trust, like.
Well... Consider that Colin, right. Now you must admit he does look a bit desperate. I mean, he ain't shaven for a few days, has he?
That's 'cos I'm growing a beard.
Well, he's not a student, right, as Bomber so rightly surmises.
Naffin' hell, Barry, man.
Bomber
No, hear him out. Let him make his point.
Oh, there's a point to all this, is there?
My point is this - if he's not a student, right, and he was hangin' around last night, maybe it's him what tried to steal me bike. Maybe at this very minute, just maybe, he's goin' through all our things, right, prior to pissing off to destinations unknown. [Sniffs] Of course, this is a hypothetical speculation, not taking into account trust, which, er, which Dennis puts so much store in.
Come on! [They all get up and head back to the hotel, only to find Colin hasn't run off. In fact he's still there, having had a bath and a shave, and having a meal.]
It ain't much of a story, as it happens. There's this German girl, she lives in Heinsburg, near Munich. We got engaged at Christmas. I was gonna stay in Germany. If I couldn't get a job, go back to the UK. Then last week, she breaks it off, just like that.
It happens though, don't it?
And there's, erm, no possibility of a reconciliation, I suppose?
Well, you should've told us this yesterday, an' then you wouldn't have had to kip in a field.
[Hesitates] ...Yeah ...Well, thanks for the meal, and everything. Much obliged. [Starts to get up, but is stopped by Bomber]
Bomber
Where are you headed, then?
...South. I'm going south. Erm... Geneva. I thought I might get a job there as a waiter or something like that.
Hey, he can come back with us.
Bomber
Why not?
No. ...No, I couldn't do your blokes' sort of work.
Aye, aye. You can shovel, be a labourer.
Ah, of course you could. Couldn't he, Den?
Well, don't ask me. It's up to the lad.
[To the crane operator, motioning] In a bit... Whoa, whoa... Right, down at that. [The crane starts lowering the bricks. To Bomber] Look, all I need is cash upfront, and then we'll be quids in.
Bomber
What kind of business?
Big business. Expanding markets, guaranteed demand. See, all we've got to do is buy the gear here, ship it home and then we're quids in.
Bomber
What is it?
Well... I don't want you goin' tellin' the rest, 'cos they never take us seriously, that lot.
Bomber
[Motions] Cross me 'eart. Now, what are you on about?
Bomber
[Mishearing] What? Corn?
[Whispering] No, man. Porn, man. Porn, yer kna?
Bomber
What are you on about? Are you opening Gateshead's first massage parlour?
Nah, man. Videos, man. Importing videos. [The operator stops lowering the bricks.]
Bomber
You're askin' me to handle pornographic videos? Me? The father of five children?
Well, they don't have to watch 'em.
Bomber
Are you off your rocker, lad?
Ah, well, forget it. [Waves his hands, the crane operator mistakes this as a signal to lower the bricks onto the scaffold.] I just thought with five bairns, you might've needed the extra coin.
Bomber
You're off your bloody rocker, boyo! [The pallet lands on the scaffold... and on Bomber's foot!]
Hey, the rules were ever so strict. Even when our lot wanted to pick up their kids from school, they couldn't talk to the German parents. I think that's terrible, don't you?
Bomber
It seems a bit unnecessary, seeing as the war was over.
Seems perfectly logical to me. I mean, if I'd spent six years fightin' the Krauts, the last thing I'd wanna do would be to fraternise with them in the local!
Aye, but the war was over, Oz.
Oh, aye. Precious comfort for some(!) Precious comfort for me Uncle Dan who got a leg blown off in Tripoli. I cannae see him wantin' to buy drinks for the buggers who blew it off in the first place.
Well, the Germans suffered too! Everybody suffered one way or another.
Bomber
So what happened to old Hedley, then?
He married her, didn't he? So they cashiered him. Hoyed him out of the Army. No pension. Nothin'. 'Ey, it's tragic when you think about it.
Me granny suffered an' all, yer kna. They flattened her with a bomb on her way back from The Black Horse. Poor soul. She only nipped out for a milk stout!
No, no. Of course. You did the right thing, Wayne, in the circumstances. ...Well, I mean, especially if she... if she feels like that about it. ...No, I'll phone the undertakers. Er, it'll not have left yet.
"Poor old Hedley"? You're jokin', aren't yer? He were a right little rascal. Aye, he made a fool of us right enough!
Bomber
He must have fooled a lot more over the years.
He was a little waster, Bomber. He wasn't cashiered, yer kna. Court martialled, man.
I still think it's a shame, especially after all the work we've put in. Especially Oz.
Hey, Oz'll be at the airport, I've have to get after him. [Puts down his trowel and starts to run off]
Bomber
Wait a minute, Den. [Den stops.] Old Bomber may be on the slow side, but he's given Oz a lot of thought these last few days.
Bomber
He had some scheme in mind about selling pornographic videos.
[Thinking back to earlier in the week...] "Adult. Liable to give offence."
Bomber
I knows that 'cos I saw them in his locker.
Bomber
Well, I know they're not there now, 'cos I looked. And I don't want you to think I'm being vindictive just 'cos he mangled my foot, but they're gone. And so's the coffin.
The coffin [Finally putting 2 and 2 together...] Oh, hey, I cannae believe that, Bomber!
Can't you, Neville? Eh? Big-hearted Oz, all of a sudden? Sick grandads in London? Makes sense to me!
Bomber
Now let's look at it this way. If he's really got a sick grandfather, then his trip's worthwhile. But if he's been having us on, he deserves everything he gets!
So, er... where'd you learn to do that, then, Bomb?
Bomber
Oh, I picked up a lot of tricks in my time, boyo. [Bites the thread off.] There we are.
Oh, you're a mate, Bomb. Cheers.
[Still learning German with Neville] Was is das, Nev?
Hey, that's a canny jumper, man!
I tell you what, we can hang it on the wall, eh, when he's not wearing it? Very decorative.
It'll cover up that stain from the night Moxey puked up.
This is for the best, this!
She gave us a present, didn't she?
She must think a lot of you, eh?
Oh, aye. See, I've just realised, Nev, they cannae tell accents here. As far as she knas, I could be talkin' the same as the Queen Mother! [Laughs]
Must be thick if she think's you're the Queen Mother.
[Taking offence] 'Ey, shut your face, you. That's my fiancée you're talkin' aboot.
Aye, that's what yer call someone you're ganna marry, isn'it?
What are you talkin' about, man? You're already married.
Aye, in England. Cannae hold that against us here.
Auf Wiedersehen, Pet · 320 quotes
