Oh, hello. No, I was... just admiring the car. Yours, is it?
No, I meant the registration. [Points to the number plate.] "D-HB", that's the district of Düsseldorf, isn't it?
Perhaps. 'Ere, listen, seein' as you're so bloody good at initials, how 'bout F.O.?
Didn't think you would(!) Look, what's all this about, mate? The car ain't for sale, all right?
Glad to hear it, because having already avoided import duty, you wouldn't want to break the law again, Mr. Wayne Winston Norris? [Shows his ID] Customs and Excise. [Tears a sheet of paper from his pad] Your receipt, sir. Keys, please, sir?
DennisWhat's the damage?
I've gotta find about 800 quid before I can reclaim her. 'Til then, she stays there.
Dennis
You haven't got the money, presumably, have you?
About 799 short of the mark, to be honest.
Dennis
Well, er... now we're workin', I can pay you some back again tomorrow, then after the next couple of weeks with Ally's bonus for finishing, that should cover it, shouldn't it?
Nah, nah, it's all right. I can find the money, I'm just a bit annoyed with meself for getting caught out. See, when I drove it through Harwich, I told 'em I was just a visitor, didn't I?
Dennis
Well, you are just a visitor, aren't ya?
You what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what I mean is, I should've put it in the wife's name, eh?
Dennis
Can it not be registered in Christa's name now?
It's too late for that, Den.
AAngela
What were you and Auntie Norma rowing about last night?
Dennis
I thought you were supposed to be asleep! Anyway, we weren't rowin', we were just talkin', y'know, business, like.
AAngela
Our Kevin had his ear to the floor, said you were shoutin' about money.
Dennis
Nah, "shoutin' about money...?" [Before Dennis can continue, they stop as Dennis sees a flashily dressed woman approaching. It's Marjorie, Oz's estranged wife]
MMarjorie
[Waving as she approaches] Dennis Patterson?
Dennis
Aww hell! [Turns away and bends down to Angela's shoe] I'll just put this buckle right on your shoe.
AAngela
What's up, dad? There's nothing wrong with me buckle.
Dennis
Nah, it's all right, pet. It's just that lady over there, she happens to be the wife of one of the nutcases I work with. Remember Oz? I don't particularly want to talk to her, that's all.
MMarjorie
[As she gets closer] Yoo-hoo! [Dennis reluctantly gets up] Eee, I thought it was you!
Dennis
Hello, Marjorie.
MMarjorie
[Turns to Angela] Oh, and this must be one of your bairns, is it?
Dennis
Aye, this is Angela.
Dennis
Well, er... we've split up again, actually.
MMarjorie
Oh, pet... I'm sorry. E'en after you left some nice German lass...
Dennis
[Interrupting to protect Angela] Aye, well, that's all in the past now, Marjorie, you know?
MMarjorie
Haven't heard from Oz, have yer?
Dennis
No, not really. When did you last hear from him?
MMarjorie
Oh aye, he sent us a card from the Falklands - no stamp, of course! Aye, God knows where he is now.
Dennis
[Interrupting, glancing at Angela] I did hear he's back in England, like.
MMarjorie
You've no idea where, have you?
Dennis
Shouldn't you know more aboot that than me, Marjorie?
MMarjorie
I'd be the last one to hear, pet. No, anyway, if he does get in touch with you, will yer tell him to get in touch with me? I've got some good news for him.
Dennis
Oh, that'll cheer him up... [Marjorie double takes, leading Dennis to cover his tracks] ...if I do... come across him, like. What's the good news?
MMarjorie
I'm divorcin' the sod!
'Ello, 'ello! Only three hours? I thought you said you weren't a speed freak!
Ah it's not bad, Wayne. Y'know, I mean you could've built a garage in that time, never mind repair one.
Dennis
Well, I hope you don't expect to be paid for this afternoon.
...Just pour us a cup o' tea, will ya?
Come on then, blow-by-blow account!
The boy looks wrecked. She certainly taken it out of him.
[Sighs] Unbelievable. It's the only word for it. Unbe- I mean if I told yer, yer wouldn't believe it, so...
Well we won't know till you tell us, will we?
Well, yer kna what I was saying in the bar the other night aboot, eh, aulder women?
Yea, experience an' all that beef... Dear me! This one... this one makes Simone Signoret look like Shirley Temple, that one!
Doesn't mean nowt to me! I've never seen either of them.
Well I'll try and put it another way.
Yer kna when footballers get to a certain age, they've gotta slow their game doon? Yer kna, but they seem to get to be better players because of experience, yer kna. Like Johnny Giles, Leeds and Éire. I feel like I've been playing with somebody like him after ninety minutes of soccer.
It's funny you should mention that about footballers, Oz. 'Cos the only older woman I ever had looked like Billy Bremner! [Everyone laughs]
Now I can get my beloved motor out, eh? Can I borrow your van, Den?
Dennis
Aye, sure, yeah. Here y'are. [Gives Wayne the keys]
I'll, erm, probably need someone to drive it back.
Dennis
Er, right. Oz!
[Oz opens a bottle] Yeah, what?
Dennis
Off you gan wi' Wayne, make sure he doesn't spend his finishing bonus on the way across.
Dennis
Because we've spent two months tarting this place up! I don't want a lunatic like you in there pissed!
Dennis
I'm still the gaffer, so get gan!
Dennis
Yer do things on the spur of the moment, Oz, without ever thinking them through. I mean, where were you gonna take the lad, eh?
Well I wasn't gonna hang on to him, man, I only wanted twenty four hours with him, to find out how he feels aboot this trip abroad, man. Find oot how he felt about this Sandro gadgy. And she wouldn't let us anywhere near the bairn, so I had to dae what I did, didn't I?
Well she'll be even less disposed to let you see him now.
Ah, so you met the Italian in question, did you?
Aye, yes, we exchanged one or two words, yes.
What sort of person did he seem then, Oz?
Well, he seemed perfectly affable and pleasant and polite, but I mean ye cannae gan on that, can yer? He's a waiter, he's trained to be.
Oh come off it, Oz. You said in the car that he was a nice enough sort of bloke.
Aye, but them were first impressions, weren't they? He's gotta be a bit micey if he wants to lob up with my Marjorie!
[Holding a couple of mugs] Shall I do another pot? [Everyone murmurs in agreement]
No, I'll do it, pet. [Exits into the kitchen]
Dennis
So, when do they leave, then?
If you ask me... just in my opinion, like... I think living in Italy might benefit the lad. I mean, he'd had the climate, when he comes back he'll be bilingual, a wonderful advantage. I only spent one night in this area and I'll tell you it was a bleeding terrifying experience!
Dennis
Yer can't judge a place on one night, man!
[Overlapping with Dennis] What's wrong with this place? We've all seen Wolverhampton, it's not exactly Beverly Hills, is it?
Here we are. [Places the mugs into the sink.]
Ah, you didn't need to do that. I'd have seen to it.
That's all right. Just glad to get out of the smoke. [Picks up a tea towel and starts drying up]
Oh, you've not left your wife, have you, and run off with a sailor?
[Smiles] If you do, you'll be the first to know.
Honestly, it's been like Heartbreak Hotel here this week, I'm thinking of leaving me job at the hospital and taking up marriage guidance!
Well, we'll be off in a couple of days and you can get some peace and quiet.
[Enters the kitchen] Brenda?
The kettle's not ready yet, pet.
No, could you come and have a word with the lads, please? [Brenda takes off her gloves and goes into the living room. Bomber takes over doing the dishes.]
Dennis
Brenda, er... We're all agreee we think Oz has got a case here. I mean, we think that he should see his young lad before he's whisked off to a foreign country.
Oh, I quite agree, Dennis.
Dennis
The main problem is the situation with Marjorie is... delicate, to say the least. I mean she has to understand that Oz seeing his son won't be a threat to her. I mean, that's only right and proper.
Dennis
So, er, we thought the best way to convince her would be, erm... if you had a word with her.
[Playing a buzz wire game] Look, I'm sorry, Dennis, but due to the Spanish immigration laws, there is just no way at the moment that I can take a bunch of foreign workers down there.
Dennis
Now wait a minute, Ally, you put your brief on this three weeks ago. He should have told you all that then, man.
And he did, Dennis. Couple of days later, I had it all fixed up. I arranged backhanders with a couple of key Pedros down there, but at the last minute, they tried to brace me and cop me for a wee bit extra, and to my mind, it's just a wee bitty too much, so I told them to stuff it.
Dennis
[Looks out of the window to the rest of the lads, who are waiting with all their luggage outside] Look, I've got a bunch of lunatics down there. They're all fired up, they packed their bags, they've sorted things out with their families, and if you don't come through this time...
Just take them over tomorrow night, my house, my hospitality. That'll soften them up for ya. By that time I should have sorted something out.
Dennis
I hope so, for your sake! [Starts to leave] What time should I bring them?
Er... make it about ten. [His loop touches the wire towards the end, making a high-pitched buzz] I mean, feed them first!
The food doesn't seem so good tonight, does it, Wayne?
There's no difference in the food, son. It's the mood that's down the crapper.
Well, it's got to be said... [Burps] ...this latest development with this Martin gadgy, I mean it's took the shine off the trip to Spain to everybody, hann'it?
Of all the blokes in Newcastle, you had to pick on him.
Dennis
He picks on a lot of people, Nev. So the odds aren't that outlandish!
Hold on a minute, hang on, it wasn't me who started that barney, it was that Martin gadgy, man, wann' it?
Hey, hey, if you remember, the incident occured because you tried to get into his old lady's knickers.
Oh, hey, hold on! I don't think you're one to point the finger aboot that, do you, eh? We've been dropped in the clarts plenty of times by your rampant member, haven't we?
They never forget, do they?
C'mon, lads. Fair's fair. That Martin's a born headbanger. And I can't say I fancy working alongside him.
Hey, Moxey! Where've you been?
I called 'round your house, Den, and er, your sister said you were all in here.
[Calls down the table] Give him a chair, somebody.
Dennis
Sit down, son. Sit down.
Before I do, though, there's just a couple of things I'd like to say, y'know. Er, I've got me passport sorted out, y'know, so I can go to Spain. There's no problems there.
[Sets a chair at the head of the table for Moxey] Fantastic!
But I know I've caused you lot a lot of aggravation, y'know, with all this duckin' and divin' an' that, so, er, well if you don't want us to go, y'know, I'll understand, and there'll be no hard feelin's.
Dennis
Get this man a drink! He's the guest of honour.
Guest of honour? He's the man of the year as far as I'm concerned! [Shouts to a waiter] Another one here!
You've turned up, sunbeam, that's what you've done.
Somebody better tell that Martin fella to forget it.
Dennis
I will, I will, aye.
The Magnificent Seven rides again! Yahey!
You came in the nick of time, my son.
I'm made up! You lot don't exactly owe me any favours.
Dennis
It's you that's doing us a favour, man. [Stands up, glass in hand] A toast, to Moxey! [They all raise their glasses]
It's great to have you back! [Moxey smiles]
Dennis
...Or is it Brendan?
Francis Fogarty? [Laughs] Where did you get Francis Fogarty from?
Well it wasn't my idea, y'know. If it was up to me, I'd like to be called Derek. But no Derek died in Kilburn on Tuesday.
Dennis
Yeah?
RRussell
Party of ten for Swallow Tours. Are you all here? Let me have your tickets and passports, and we'll get you checked through.
Want a Playboy for your Neville?
I'm not getting that, it's disgusting!
[Laughs] Cosmo? Ooh, I'll have that after you.
Listen, pass us down the Nursing News. There's a really good article about... [The rest of their conversation is drowned out by the airport tannoy, and they pick magazines.]
AAAirport Announcer
Passengers for Flight 213 to Málaga to Gateway 2, please.
[To Debbie] I think it's very noble of your dad to bring you and your mum along, you know? 'Cos it'll keep him out of mischief! Listen, d'you know why? Because we're going to be sampling all that pulchritude down there. [Laughs.]
There'll not be much of that, man. The tourist season's well finished.
There'll be enough, divvn't you worry. Anyway, with a bit of luck, we'll have sorted summat out before we land.
'Ere! Are you trying to tell me, right, that on this charter tour, there ain't gonna be a surplus of salesgirls, secretaries, hairdressers, the lot, eh? I tell you, we'll be well locked off before we've even landed, son!
RRussell
[At the check-in line] Check-in over here, Mr. Patterson. [The group join the check-in line. In front of them is a large group of pensioners.]
Hold on, what's all this lot, then?
RRussell
It's the Spennymoor & District Senior Citizens Society. They go every year. You were lucky to get those seats! [Wayne's face falls.]
I wouldn't waste any time, Wayne. I'd steam in now! [Cockney accent] Get it all locked off, son! [Laughs.]
Dennis
Afternoon, Ally. Didn't expect to see you back this early. [Fraser produces a copy of The Sun.]
Is that an English paper you got there?
That's right, Oz, I've got an English paper. Something I'd like to read to you here, boys, I don't want to take up too much of your valuable time. If you just gather around, please. [The lads down tools and gather round Fraser.] Right. Are we all sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin. [Reads from the paper] "Spain's Costa del Crime is still a haven for the growing band of Brits who Scotland Yard are," quote, "'anxious to question'. Kenny Ames, 47, who persists in denying he was Britain's King of Porn, continues to sun himself on his luxury yacht in Marbella."
Ah, that sounds like the one we were on, is it?
[Continues reading] "No doubt, his companions, newly arrived from England are business associates." [He puts the paper down for the others to see.]
[Pointing to the photo] Hey, that's us!
Hey, look at that! Centre spread!
I've seen much better photos of me than that one, though.
What's Brenda's folks ganna say?
Dennis
[He picks up where Fraser left off.] "I spoke exclusively to the new arrivals in their luxury hotel."
Dennis
"They were evasive about their reasons for being in Spain, one of them claiming that they were members of the Wolverhampton Aqualung Society." [Looks at Barry, then back at the paper.] "Research has shown that no such club exists. Meanwhile, police continue their search for the gang who pulled off the daring payroll robbery in Sheffield last week." [The lads voice their disdain.]
Dennis
Er... Nick Wheeler.
Wasn't that geezer who was buyin' all the booze in the bar the other neet called Nick?
Is this your idea of keeping a low profile?
Dennis
Why, that story's a load of bollocks!
I know that, and I bet half of Fleet Street knows that, and in their effort to discredit this story they'll be down here buzzing 'round you like flies 'round a jam jar!
Well, why don't we just tell 'em we're ordinary gadgys?
[Presses the paper to Neville's chest] Working on my villa, I suppose? Well that's precisely exactly what I'm trying to avoid, my friend!
Dennis
Wait a minute, I mean, we can still be ordinary gadgys. Just down here on holiday. We just have to make it look convincing, that's all.
And how do we do that, Dennis?
Dennis
Well, er... you'd better give us the rest of the week off.
GGeoffrey
Good heavens! Look at this. [Gives the paper to Pauline, who looks at the photo.]
PPauline
I'm not surprised. [Throws the paper onto the floor.] One only had to look at them.
GGeoffrey
I sometimes wonder if Worthing wouldn't have been a better idea.
We're not saying anything.
SSid
All we want to do, love, is clear the air. I mean, all this must be very embarrasing for you back home. Is it?
No. What's embarrassing is having to answer questions from people like you. Now, look, we didn't invite you in here, and we'd be very obliged if you'd kindly leave. [Dennis and Neville enter the villa.]
Dennis
Who the hell are you?
SSid
[Gets out of the armchair] It's all right, it's all right. Press.
Dennis
No, it's not all right! What are you doing here?
[To Brenda and Christine] Have they been asking you questions?
We didn't tell them anything, Neville.
SSid
Neville Hope and Dennis Patterson. Is that right?
It's about the only thing you blokes have got right.
RRonnie
Oh, smarten up, son. We know you're not villains.
SSid
As we were saying to your ladies, all we want to do is clear the air, get at the truth.
Oh, howay, we might as well. Gan on, tell 'em, Dennis.
Dennis
Alright, I am Dennis Patterson, this is Neville Hope. We're brickies, we're from Newcastle and we're here on holiday. That's it. Come on. [Motions for the journalists to leave.]
RRonnie
And what about the rest of the gang?
Dennis
They're all bricklayers too. We met out in Germany a few years back, and er, this is like a reunion, innit?
SSid
Right, we'll need names and home addresses so the London desk can check out their backgrounds.
Dennis
Well, some of these addresses might be a bit vague. Let's see... There's erm, Mr. Osbourne, Mr. Taylor, Mr. Norris, Mr. Busbridge, and, er... what's the name of your mate, Nev, with the spotty face?
Dennis
Why do I all of a sudden get a dreadful feeling, Nev? Yer kna, like Oz is sticking pins in a Dennis Patterson doll.
[Arrives on the sun terrace with a newspaper. He's very pissed off.] D'you know? Your boys are wasted in the building industry, Dennis! You ought to be organising military coups in a banana republic!
Dennis
What's the matter?
Has someone been in bother, like?
Oh no, nothing like that, no. They've just spent half an hour slagging off some of the most influential members of Marbella society, of which I am no longer a member!
Dennis I thought it was a bit too good to last, like.
Aye, well you can whistle 'em all back out now because your true and humble status has been revealed to a grateful nation! [Drops the paper beside Dennis.]
Dennis
Right, first thing in the morn, I'll get them back to work.
No, I've got a better idea, Dennis. Let's have a night shift!
Go 'round to The Office? You sure that's a good idea now they know who we really are?
Oh, I dunno. Ally said they'd still make us welcome. Apparently, they understood we're victims of a press smear. In fact, they symphathise with us.
Aye, might be some money in it for us, an' all. A few little jobs.
[Scoffs] Probably want us to double-glaze their houses with bulletproof glass.
Don't suppose there'd be any harm in it. Nothing to lose now. Our stigmas have been cleansed.
Howay, Mox, man! We didn't give your name to the paper! As far as Terry Leather or anybody else is concerned, you're still a man of mystery.
Dennis
Right, lads. Listen, we'll just play it cool, right? See what they want, and if we don't like the smell of it, we'll politely decline. Okay? [Around the corner from The Office, they spot someone on the roof with a long-lens camera taking photos of them.]
Oh, another bloody journalist! [The lads rush through a door and confront the photographer. Oz snatches the camera]]
Dennis
Just... calm down! [Oz doesn't listen, he throws the camera off the roof.]
[To the 'photographer'] When are you bastards gonna stop pickin' on wor, eh?
Yeah! Why don't yer leave us alone, you shifty sod? We ain't done nuthin'!
Dennis
Which particular comic do you work for, anyway? [The 'photographer' takes out his Metropolitan Police ID badge]
BBritish Detective
Shall we say the Police Review?
[Takes the ID badge and examines it.] What, you're the Old Bill, are ya?
BBritish Detective
Scotland Yard Surveillance Squad. And if this wasn't Spain, Albert Arthur Moxey, alias Brendan Mulcahy, arsonist and absconder, your arse would be well and truly nicked!
Oh, I'm not so sure, Bomb. I mean, at Ally's party, you know, in Geordieland, I definitely got a flash off that one.
You mess around with her and bollocks it up for the rest of us, you'll have more than a flash off me, Wayne!
Eh? Don't sermonise me, Bomb! You're not past a bit of lechery yourself. I saw you the other night, down the casino. Two young travel agents from Preston, eh? [Chuckles]
Nothin' I did with them is gonna come back on us lot. [Quiet for sternly] Off limits!
[Now on the terrace] Mornin', lads.
[Hard at work on the tiling in the pool with Neville] Hello.
Dennis
[Stops what he's doing] Right, I'll not be long.
[Inspecting the lads' work] Eee, mind, this place is comin' on. You'll be finished here soon.
[Chucking rocks from the deep end to the terrace] Aye, we divvn't hang aboot, us lot, yer kna.
Er... what are you ganna do when the job's finished, Oz?
Me? I don't kna. S'pose I'll have to gan back and... face the grim reality of Margaret Thatcher's Britain. [Has a swig of his beer.] Unless your Ally coughs up a finishin' bonus, like. Then I can postpone it... for a week.
An', er... take off somewhere, like?
Ah, well, me an' Barry had planned tae have a slow tovy back through France. But now with his, yer kna, fiancée, we've had to give La Français the big E, so to speak. So, I'll be on me own, as usual.
I'm... very sorry if my personal affairs have intruded on your plans, Oz(!)
Not my plans, pal. You were the one that wanted to gan an' see the shite hooses of the Loire.
'Ey, I've always fancied San Tropez, meself. I think there's more nightlife. An', I mean, well, it's more sophisticated than this, like, isn'it?
Oh, aye, yeah. Definitely. Give me San Tropez every time!
[Looking at a couple of samples] Which one do you think, Chris?
Well, it is your villa, after all, Vicky.
Oh, I know, but you've got a flair for this sort of thing, an' that's what I wanted you to come.
SSalesman
Es doble mas caro que éste. (That one costs twice as much as the other.)
He says that one's twice as expensive as that. [Pointing to the two samples]
Dennis
[Motioning behind him] There's plenty more to choose from, yer kna.
No, no. Me mind's made up. It's between these two.
Well, if it was up to me, I would go for this one - the more traditional design. But that is the expensive one.
Oh, I'm not bothered about that, I mean, it's Ally's money.
Dennis
That's the one, then, is it?
Aye, I'm adamant. I'll have that one. [Points to her choice.]
Dennis
Right. I'll do the business, okay. [Dennis goes inside with the salesman.]
[Looking at more samples] I wonder if I should tile the barbecue area. What do you think?
Hmm? Oh, I don't know, Vicky. I really don't know. [Sits on a bench] But I'm sure the villa is going to be absolutely exquisite once it's finished.
[Unenthusiastically] Hmmm... [Sits next to Christine]
[Picking up on this...] You don't sound very enthusiastic.
Oh, it'd be all right if it was just for the odd week.
Oh, Chris, I've got nobody to confide in. That's why I'm pleased you're here. I mean, Ally never tells me anythin', but even I can put 2 and 2 together. He's been really tetchy recently, an' there's been all these late night phone calls, and now his solicitor's turned up. You can bet Hallwood's not down here for a tan.
What are you saying, Vicky?
I'm sayin' we might be down here for good.
Oh? Well, if it does come to that, there are worse places to live.
Ah, I kna it's got everything, I mean, the climate and the Mediterranean, an' we get all English television flown over on video. But... Chris, I'd die if I thought I was never goin' to see Newcastle again!
Auf Wiedersehen, Pet · 320 quotes
