Dennis quotes from Auf Wiedersehen, Pet

Well, tell [Big] Baz to look for Dennis's mother's house, you check out his friends, his neighbours...

VVicky

[Exits the bathroom] Can I take the car, Ally?

[To Vicky] Just take whatever you like, just get lost, will ya! [Upset, Vicky takes the car keys and exits the hotel suite as Dennis enters, unknown to Fraser]

HHallwood

Ally... Ally, Dennis is a family man. He has kids here. He's not gonna do a runner with your money. Don't panic!

Don't tell me not to panic, pal! If Dennis is picked up at an airport then it's my nuts that are in the wringer! [Slams the phone down]

Dennis

Good morning!

Where in Jesus' name have you been?

Dennis

Got the first flight out this morning.

Oh, ya did, did ya? What, you had a night out on the town? I've been down at the airport for two hours while you were out doing the strip clubs of Soho!

Dennis

No, no, no, I was detained by two gentlemen of the Customs.

...You were? Did they give you a good going over, Dennis?

Dennis

Oh aye, they certainly did, yeah.

What did they say?

Dennis

Well, er, eventually they said "We're very sorry that you been incovenienced, Mr. Patterson".

[Chuckles] Oh, Dennis... [Pats Dennis on the chest before closing the door to the suite] "Very sorry you've been inconvenienced, Mr. Patterson", that's terrific. [Takes the suitcase and puts it on the coffee table. He opens it... and finds nothing but clothes inside.] Don't fart me around, Dennis!

Dennis

Don't fart you around?! You set me up to bring a bag of undeclared illegal currency out of the country! You put my chopper on the block, pal!

Did they find it?

Dennis

Well if they had, I wouldn't be here, would I?

Oh, I see. So you opened this case before you left home?

Dennis

It's a good job I did, isnit! You must think I'm a right wanker. Look, I knew I wasn't sent back to Newcastle to bring you back some documents! Somethin' heavy's comin' down on you, pal. It couldn't happen to a nicer fella(!)

That slag Vicky's been shouting her mouth off...

Dennis

Just leave Vicky out of this, you brought this on yourself, man!

Where is my money, Dennis?

Dennis

Oh, it's safe, less a few quid I've taken out to bump meself up to club class.

Oh... Dennis, Dennis... The reason I didn't level with you is because I reckon that what the eye doesn't see, the heart doesn't grieve over. I didn't want you going through Customs with the old ticker pounding and the old blood pressure shooting up through the roof.

Dennis

Oh it's nice to know you had my best interests at heart(!)

Dennis, the reason I sent you is a reflection of my trust. [Pours two Scotches] We've worked together for a long time, you and me, eh? A Scotch do ya?

Dennis

Look, I'm about to jack all this in, right? And that 25 grand, that's like my warranty.

Are you laying down terms, Dennis?

Dennis

I am, actually, yeah. First off, you hold the deeds to my wife's house. I'd be obliged if Hallwood sent them back to me bank, right? Secondly, as you're about to become an exile out here, I'm a bit concerned about the lads. I mean, your assets might get tied up for a bit. So that money is guaranteed their full whack, generous bonuses and their air fares back home.

...Anything else?

Dennis

No... Oh yeah, If I see Vicky with so much as a broken fingernail... you'll never see the balance.

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I'm gonna be away for a few days, Dennis, so I'm leaving you some signed cheques to take care of those unpaid bills that you mentioned.

Dennis

Oh, you still trust us then, do yer?

Oh, I'd like to use your nuts for golf balls, Dennis, but yes, I still trust you. [Signs the cheques]

Dennis

Aye, well there'll be no crap lyin' around when you get back. We'll clean up the entire area.

Oh, you're nothing if not thorough. Now, about your lads' recompensation...

Dennis

That's all reet. I'll handle that.

Oh?

Dennis

That money of yours I'm holdin'. I'll pay 'em out of that. Salary, overtime, bonuses as agreed. I'll post you an itemised statement accounting for every penny.

And the balance. The balance of my money.

Dennis

Where would you like it?

Oh, it's that simple, is it?

Dennis

Yeah. I've got it, you want it. I await your instructions. [Heads off to go back to work, but stops.] Oh... By the way, I'll be holding back about three grand.

Ah, that's your wee bonus, is it?

Dennis

No, that's the approximate cost of six air tickets back here, plus bed and board.

Sorry, Dennis, I don't follow you there.

Dennis

Ah, well you will in a minute. Just supposin' I'm leavin' the pub one dark night and two of your boneheads decide to take me round the back, right? Or supposing... somebody puts a brick through me ex-wife's window, or puts the frighteners on me girlfriend... or me kids. I'm ganna need that cash, aren't I? So, me an' the lads, we can come back here, take apart everything we've built for you, and then after that... take you apart.

[Lost for words] Oh, Dennis... you know, a bloke like you could've had a job with me for life.

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Brenda

Did I do it right?

Hasn't fallen out yet, pet!

Dennis

Right, my Lords, ladies and gentlemen, fellow brickies. We are here at the completion of another shining example of British workmanship. I'm sure if our, er, gracious benefactor Mr. Fraser was with us... [The lads boo and jeer] ...he'd want us to celebrate the matter in the usual way. [Takes a swig from his beer bottle before throwing it away, salutes and jumps into the pool. The other lads follow suit. Even non-swimmer Bomber jumps in.]

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Fancy a nightcap?

Dennis

Aye, why not?

[Getting up] Brandy?

Dennis

Nah, beer for me these days, Nev. [Neville gets a couple of beers out of the fridge and opens one] Hey, it's easy to get used to a life of luxury, isn'it? [Chuckles] Cocktail bar, swimming pool... [Neville hands him the opened beer.] Ta.

Yeah. [Opens his beer] Back to reality next week, though. We'll just be another couple of Thatcher's unemployment statistics.

Dennis

Never mind. You'll still have a nice tan down the dole queue, Nev.

Aye. What are you gonna do? Given it any thought?

Dennis

Well, I cannae be a brickie again. I cannae face some desolate winter on some North East building site.

Hmm... I've got nae choice. That's what I am. That's what I do. I'm not ashamed of it, like.

Dennis

Aye, of course not. Nor should you be. I didn't mean that, man. I'm just talkin' about me, Nev. I need to change me life.

Does Christine figure in your plans?

Dennis

I dunno. Well, I'd like her to be, yer kna. But until something materialises, I haven't got much to offer her, have I?

Ally's money?

Dennis

[Chuckles] What about it?

Well... it's just sittin' there, isn'it? Where you hid it, like?

Dennis

Yeah.

Well... if I was you, I'd be tempted to keep it and...

Dennis

What?

Well, I dunno. Buy a newsagents?

Dennis

[Rolls his eyes] Oh, lad, you don't set yer sights very high, do yer? I thought you were ganna say, "Take it and bugger off to Brazil, man", not buy a bloody newsagents!

Aye. There's not enough of it for Brazil, is there?

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The Middlesbrough Transporter Bridge. Designed by the Cleveland Bridge and Engineering Company of Darlington and opened, on October 17th 1911, by Prince Arthur of Connaught.

Dennis

What's our next stop? A guided tour of the Haverton Hill glue factory?

Now, as you can see, there's great tracts of land on both sides of the river just ripe for development. There's a big consortium already on the case, the only obstacle is this famous local landmark here. Now that's where we fit in, cos we're gonna pull it down and flog it for a fortune.

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[When Oz says he's living sober]

Dennis

What, you don't touch the sauce?

Well, comparatively sober.

You mean your drinking's not harmfull to humanity anymore.

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This whole area used to be pit villages, man; everyone worked for the colliery. You know what they do now?

Dennis

What?

All the men wear hair nets and pack airline meals. Everything's changed Dennis, deal with it.

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[The group see Jeffrey Granger for the first time on TV]

Dennis

So where'd you meet this wanker?

I was two'd-up with him in Durham Nick.

MMoxey

I hear they do a good breakfast up there.

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Grainger's consortium put this job out to tender, high-tech civil engineering companies. Well, all them overehads: bringing in cranes from the continent and what-have-ya, the lowest quote they got was 2 million nicker.

Dennis

Well we're Way below that! Can we do it?

Yes, we can do it because We are lo-tech. We’re gonna pull it down the same way as they put it up 90 years ago...with pulleys and chains and sweat and toil….

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[Oz discusses the problem of keeping the new workforce happy]

Dennis

Well, we just have to make sure that they stay on their own side of the River, that's all.

Well, that's easy enough.

We're going to have the Kosovans support the Boro

And the Serbs can support Hartlepool United.

Let's hope they never meet in the Cup!