Lana Kane quotes from Archer

Lana

Why would she pay four millions dollars for unverified information?

Ray

Well, either she's getting Alzheimer's...

Archer

Hey.

Ray

Or it's another sex-tape.

Archer

HEY! [pause] Actually, that would not surprise me.

Lana

What the hell are you doing?!

Archer

Shooting at his tires so he loses control and drives off the cliff!

Lana

With the bearer bonds!

Archer

Yes, Lana, with the... Dammit!

Lana

Undercover?

Malory

Of course undercover!

Lana

As what? Russia's only black woman?

Lana

Ohh but he's such a douche bag...

Malory

I know dear, but he's also my son.

Lana

Not Archer. Well, also very much Archer. But I'm talking about Barry.

Barry

Who is in-fact sitting right here. Do you wanna... do it on the desk or... in the hallway? Where you wanna knock this out?

Ray

For God's sake woman, are you hearing yourself? He's your son, not a...

Lana

Ray, she got him to quit drinking...

Ray

[Lifts guns] So what's the plan?

Malory

I swear, if any one saw me in this awful van.

Lana

How could they with this illegal ass window tint. Dude, this van is like, rolling probable cause.

Malory

So all ashore from the S.S. Date Rape.

Ray

Toot toot.

Pam

What a hunk

Cheryl

Total sploosh.

Lana

Yeah, gotta give him a sploosh.

Ray

And whatever my equivalent of sploosh is. Which I guess is just sploosh. Only with semen.

Pam

What a hunk!

Cheryl

Total sploosh.

Lana

Yeah, gotta give him a sploosh.

Ray

...and whatever my equivalent of sploosh is. Which I guess is just sploosh. Only with semen.

Lana

What's your blood type?

Archer

How should I know?

Lana

How could you NOT know?

Archer

Who am I, Karl Landsteiner?

Archer

Well look on the bright side.

Lana

Which is?

Archer

Which is what?

Lana

You just said look on the brightside.

Archer

Its a figure of speech.

Lana

You're looking for Predator aren't you?

Archer

...yes!

Lana

A, he's invisible.

Archer

Not totally, he has a tell-tale shimmer.

Lana

Well, go ahead and say it.

Archer

What?

Lana

That since we are going to die tomorrow, we should have sex.

Archer

Are you kidding? After seeing a tiger get murdered? Lana, I'm not in the mood!...I mean, if you want to, I can watch while you masturbate, but just so you know, my heart's not going to be into it. It's going to be with that tiger's family...But, you know...go ahead and start.

Lana

[As she and Archer try to run away] Go, go, go-- [Archer grabs her shirt and pulls her back to the ground as he runs away] AH! Are you really that selfish?!

Archer

Apparently!

Malory

Anyway, effective immediately, I'm promoting Cyril to field agent.

[simultaneously] What?!

Archer

Hey, that sounds great. Best of luck. [turns to leave]

Malory

Where do you think you're going?

Archer

Oh, sorry, I gotta get back to Earth before the Stargate closes.

Malory

Get back in here!

Archer

Mother, the chevrons are locking!

Malory

Have the porter bring me a cobb salad.

Lana

Before or after we capture the dangerous terrorist?

Malory

Before.