Malory Archer quotes from Archer

Cheryl

Oh my God, you have a crush on her!

Archer

What?! No I don't, I...

Cheryl

Yes you do! That was the cutest thing! And I think SHE has a crush on YOU.

Archer

No, she...wait, really?

Cheryl

Absolutely!

Archer

Why - why - why do you think that? Did she --

Cheryl

Just admit that you like her!

Archer

Well, yeah, of course I --

Cheryl

[yells to room] Hey! Yeah! Me and him, we just f*****d!!

Archer

I realize that a segregated service is just crazy, especially given what we were fighting for over there, but -

Oh now you got a "but."

Archer

...if you think about it, the most racist thing would be, if, whenever there was a war, we only sent negroes.

WOW.

Words fail me.

Archer

Look, I know you cops have to check your weapons up front, and there's five of us and only one of you, so...

Pam

So who wants their ass beat first? And before you decide, keep in mind that I'm gradually goin' to get more tired, but also gradually more berserker.

Archer

I really wish we hadn't have done that.

Pam

I can never unsee him naked.

Archer

I mean, the size of that thing.

Pam

Hollow that big bastard out and you can use it as an umbrella stand.

Cecil

I'm afraid I'm going to ask for proof that you actually have Charlotte.

Archer

What kind of -- wait. Oh no.

Cecil

Yes, I'm afraid I require...a finger.

Archer

Uh, I could bring you her! Just drive by the house, she could wave to you.

Cecil

Ummmm, nope.

Archer

I...that's...then how 'bout a photo of her holding today's newspaper?

Cecil

Ummmm, well now that could work!

Archer

Yeah!

Cecil

Just make sure that she's holding the newspaper with nine fingers.

Archer

Ugh, goddammit.

You're not planning to blindfold me and hide me in a bomb shelter with limited oxygen and send my family cryptic notes about how to find me in a race against time for my life?

Who are you, collective pseudonym Carolyn Keene?

What?

Who would go through all that trouble?

Johann Schmidt, a.k.a The Red Skull in my Nazi kidnap/rape fantasy.

Ewwww.

Get me out of here alive, and the ransom money and we'll call it even, =

Archer

Okay, you know what? [swerves] Laugh it up, laughers. Since you like jokes so goddamn much... [swerves and throws Dutch off his motorcycle] Hahahaha. Oh hey, did you hear the one about - [drives car over Dutch]

Oh my God.

Lana

Archer, wait!

Archer

Or the one about - [drives car over Dutch again]

Lana

Archer!

Archer

Or here's one! Knock knock? [drives car over Dutch again]

Archer

Typical! Typical typical typical typical!

Lana

What could possibly have been typical about that?!

Archer

ME! I always do shit like this.

Poovey

Like what?

Archer

All I wanted to do was find out who killed my partner Woodhouse, and the next thing I know I've disappeared up my own asshole, and I'm manumitting sex slaves and grossly abusing corpses and trying to source a finger for some weird psychosexual kidnapping, and then, to top off all the bullshit, getting chased by GODDAMN ROBOTS!! I mean, [beep] halberts, Jesus Christ!!

"Everyone one out! This hotel is closed until further notice!"

Malory

"How can you close me up? On what grounds?"

"I am shocked - shocked! - to find out that gambling is going on in here"

Malory

"Oh for…"

"Ah-hah! Not to mention adultery. [points at Sterling] He seduced my wife: arrest him!"

"Monsieur, this is French territory: of course adultery is not illegal."

"What about consensual buggery?"

[sharp inhalation of breath]

"Ahem...asking for a buddy.