JJulianna
You are not robbing my palace!
MaloryOh yes, we are. And if you've got any sense, you'll fill your pockets too. Because your regime is officially over. I've seen coups from Angola to Zanzibar and this is how it ends. In the trunk of a taxi to the airport, your belly full of diamonds and vodka, praying your driver doesn't rat you out to the Reds at the last checkpoint. Because then the last thing you'll ever hear, besides a pistol cocking behind your head, is Ivan's laugh... [Pam starts laughing] What in the name of God is funny?!
You said you'd seen cooze!
Okay, so, remember when you had cancer?
Archer
[laughs] Um... uh, vaguely.
Okay, well, we all thought you were gonna die. And one night you got really drunk and we almost had sex, and right before you passed out, you told me Malory had convinced you to freeze a bunch of your sperm at Dr. Feldman's office, and I was like "huh, weird." And then you didn't die, [Archer starts zoning out into a gradually increasing high-pitched tone] and a few years went by and I started thinking about having a baby, but I was single and all the other stuff aside, physically you're an amazing human being. And all the other other stuff aside, I do actually love you. And so here's this viable sample sitting there at Dr. Feldman's, whose security system is a JOKE, by the way, and so I guess it maybe wasn't the most ethical thing I've ever done in my entire life.... Uhhh... Archer? ...Archer? ...Archer?
[Archer snaps out of it]
Archer
What's that?! Wait, wait... huh? What?!
Archer
Yeah, sorry. For a second I thought I was just now coming out of a coma from when I drowned saving your life eight months ago. [Archer takes a drink] Lana? Am I just now coming out of a coma from when I drowned saving your life eight months ago?
Archer
Hmm. Lana? Am I just NOW coming out of a coma from when I drowned saving your life eight months ago?
Archer
Then, what are you... [Archer looks at the baby] Baby, what is she saying? Baby? Baby?! Baby?!?! [Baby holds up a finger as she nurses on Lana] M-meep...
Archer
...Meep.
...I'd like you to meet your daughter, Abbiejean.
[Pam has just spilled her urine on the floor of the elevator, with Ray laying on the floor, halfway out the door]
Quickly, get it before it gets on me!
With what? There's nothing to wipe it up with!
Archer
Ah-ha! [Holds up Cyril's vest] Maybe it is good for something!
Are you crazy?! That's cashmere!
Archer
Wha- [Hands Cyril back the vest] Oh my God, sorry!
What, so it's non-absorbent?
Archer
Lana, it's cashmere, there are rules.
Well, I'm not a freaking mind-reader! [gasps] What if I am?
Archer
Then, I'd guess you'd know what we're all thinking right now.
Okay...[to Archer] You wanna drink, [to Lana] you wanna lecture us, [to Pam] you want more bear claws, [to Ray] you wanna smoke, [to Cyril] you wanna masturbate, [to Krieger] and you're scared that we'll figure out that you're actually just a Krieger clone.
[on guards advancing on the plane] Those guys look furious.
Archer
Yeah, no shit! So thank you, Ray!
For what, safely landing the plane?
Archer
What, like that cancels out you getting it shot down in the first place?
You were the one yapping your head off about my damn teacup pig!
Archer
Who I hope to see on my next BLT!
Well, too bad, beause... he went to live on a...
Archer
A farm! Exactly! So unless that farm had a magical talking spider...
[Ray gasps in abject horror]
Yeah, they don't keep 'em around for their milk.
[Malory pours Cyril a glass of champagne]
But, I doubt they've got the disc yet. Isn't it a little premature to be celebrating?
Malory
Who's celebrating? We're out of liquor. But I admit, I'm cautiously optimistic.
Because out here you can buy liquor at the grocery store?
Malory
Literally the only thing about Los Angeles that doesn't make me want to vomit.
Archer
Guys, come on, what's going on here?
Malory
I was just explaining some basic tenets of fieldcraft to these three.
Archer
Yeah, you gotta blend, but I meant what's going on hors d'oeuvre-wise?
Malory
Ahem. Blend.
[each presenting platters] This is a deconstructed slider made from certified Kobe beef from Hyogo prefecture, with a tarragon aioli.
Tapas of pata negra jamon iberica, topped with queso Torta del Casar.
And these are tiny quiches, probably made from endangered quail eggs, or...
Archer
No, none of this is that. [Takes one from each platter and puts them together] This is the world's most expensive Mc10:35.
Archer
Because you said we were on a break!
So two days later your cock's wet?
Archer
[scoffs] Oh, I'm sorry, Lana, is there a grace period? Because...
[they begin arguing over each other]
There is an acceptable amount of time...
Archer
...if there is, you neglected to tell me about it...
...before you start cramming your trash dick...
Archer
...but I guess that's par for the course with you...
...into every woman unlucky enough to walk by with...
Archer
...because you never bother to consult with me on... Sterling Archer,
Archer
And for your information, this stupid break wasn't my idea, it was yours!
Because you, prolapsed rectum that you are, are infatuated with Veronica Deane, whose cobwebby old snooch, by the way... [looking at Archer's crotch] I can smell from here!
Archer
[chuckling] Well, it's not cobwebby anymore.
[Archer drinks directly from the champagne bottle he had been holding in front of his exposed privates. Lana attacks him]
Malory
And what the hell are you wearing?
Archer
I think, technically, it's a... loincloth?
[pause]
Archer
Fashioned out of a baby-doll nightie.
[Malory lifts a finger to say something, then lets out a sigh]
Archer
Well, sorry, Mother. I didn't know I was going to a funeral.
[pauses]
Archer
[looks to Lana] I would've worn a black one.
[everyone gives him a stern look except Lana, who closes her eyes and shakes her head]
What sort of daily expenses does a semi-private investigator incur?
Archer
Bullets?
Archer
Or, I don't know, maybe a surf and turf dinner at the Polo Lounge?
Archer
And then maybe a room upstairs at the Beverly Hills hotel?
Archer
And then, maybe...
I'm gonna leave you here. Between hope and despair.
Everything is my business.
Archer
Oh, including white slavery?
Archer
Those girls are tied up, asshole.
No they're not, they're just...aww dog dicks.
Archer
Yeah, so...
Uhhh, wouldn't it be "yellow slavery?"
Archer
[gasps in disbelief] Uh, I don't know, racist!
White slavery is just as racist!
Archer
WHAT??
Nooo, you know, if you differentiate between cotton-picking slavery-
Archer
Jesus Christ!
-and then white slavery then that's-
Archer
SEXUAL slavery, then.
Archer
Goddammit.
My point is I think we're both anti-slavery.
Archer
Heiresses to fortunes like your family's don't fake their own deaths. They murder their parents and blame it on some poor Hispanic or Negro.
Yes, I thought about that, but I don't know any Hispanics or Negroes.
Archer
No, they make up the Hispanic or Negro.
I honestly wouldn't know where to begin.
Archer · 497 quotes
