Malory Archer quotes from Archer

Malory

Oh, Ron, thank you for coming so quickly.

Pam

Phrasing! First! Boom!

Archer

Jesus Christ, how many times do I have to apologize for that?

Cheryl

Once would be nice!

Archer

Hmm... No.

Archer

Are you going to open the damn door?

Only if you give me that weapon.

Archer

Do you honestly want to live through the Rise of the Machines?! Which you won't, because no one will?!

Uh—

Archer

It was rhetorical!

Whoa whoa whoa! Not cool man! That is not at all cool!

Cheryl

Rodney, you mind your own dicky beeswax! [To Archer] You got another one in ya?

Archer

I don't.

Cheryl

[seductively] Tease.

Archer

And I'm sorry for that one.

Cheryl

Don't be.

Archer

Because, I'm just going to say it, I think it's super creepy you get sexually aroused by physical violence.

Cheryl

Mmmm... Well, but also emotional violence...

Archer

[In a Terminator voice] Your clothes. Give them to me!

Cyril

Ah!

Archer

[In normal voice] I'm just kidding, obviously! I wouldn't be caught dead in a sweater-vest! Now, if you'll excuse me... [Passes out]

Pam

Just like Fourth of Jul-Luau!

Yeah, if you slid a pig under him.

Archer

Thank you... What was your name again?

Rodney.

Archer

Thank you. Asshole.

Ron

Gimme a break ah? That wasn't my fault

Archer

[Finishes drinking bourbon, burps] Yeah, no. I mean obviously this was all due to the butterfly effect.

Ron

The what?

Archer

Butterfly effect. You know, a butterfly in Africa lands on a giraffe's nose, the giraffe sneezes, that spooks a gazelle, the gazelle bonks into a rhinoceros, and the rhinoceros blindly stampedes into a phone booth, calls New York somehow and says "Hey, go kill this idiot Ron, for a suitcase," because the rhinoceros speaks English! [beat] What's in the suitcase, Ron?

Archer

Since certain people around here may not see how brilliant my plan is, they're gonna need to be...

Pam

Convinced?

Archer

I'm sorry, did you say "incapacitated"?

Archer

Why is Barry rocket-shipping away from the frickin' space station?

Krieger

Because Newton's Third Law of Motion?

Archer

Hey, thanks, Neil deGrasse Tyson!

[aroused] Ooooh! DeGrasse Tyson-san.

Lana

I want it officially on record that I am strongly opposed to this mission.

Malory

[Laughs] What record?

Archer

[Stranded in the desert] Unless I'm hallucinating, there's a Land Cruiser over there flipping his high-beams at us.

You're hallucinating.

Archer

Oh. Well, the good news is we don't have to worry about these alligators... that's not actually good news, is it?

Remember when I said you could've been a great chef?

Archer

Yes.

Every morning I make two cooks like you in the toilet.

Archer

Mexico's most notorious coyote... Which is Español for "people smuggler."

Lana

Thanks. That's—

Archer

And also for... coyote, it turns out.

Lana

Archer—

Archer

It's a loanword. Or is it a calque?

Lana

Why do you always do this?

Archer

Because I'm always bored.

Cyril

Is he—? This is totally nerve-wracking. How are you bored?

Lana

Don't engage him.

Archer

Because I've been lying in scorpion piss for two hours in the sun-blasted shit-hole which is Texas, waiting for a stupid truck stuffed with smallish brown people who just want a job.

Cyril

And probably Mexican cartel gunmen!

Lana

What'd I just say?

Archer

Big whoop. I'm spooning a Barrett .50-cal. I could kill a building.

Lana

Just put one through the engine block when the truck has to stop, please. [To Cyril] This is what he does. He knows we're tense, because we're normal human beings. My theory—and I'm serious—is that he's got some rare kind of pervasive developmental disorder, or even undiagnosed atypical autism.

Archer

Um... Your mic's hot.

Lana

I know.

Archer

Wow.

Malory

Swear to God, you people make me want to pump nerve gas through the vents.

Krieger

[over loudspeaker] Just say the word.

Lana

What do you think you're doing?

Archer

My job, Lana.

Lana

And what part of your job exactly is groping my ass?!

Archer

The part that calls for spy-craft. C'mon, we're posing as newlyweds, so—

Lana

Yeah, posing!

Archer

And I'm drunk on nuptial bliss.

Lana

You're drunk on champagne.

Archer

Eh, little column A, little column B.