Malory Archer quotes from Archer

Krieger

But don't touch it. Lysergic acid can be absorbed right through the skin. Even the tip of your finger can... [Krieger accidentally touches the strip] oops.

Archer

Oh, for fuck's sake, Krieger! You're about to perform brain surgery!

Archer

Okay, it's over, and... you're sure you don't wanna marry that woman?

Oh, God, no. You know what I want?

Archer

Tell me.

Some of that lettuce?

Archer

...Um... okay...

Actually can I have all of it? And the bunny attached to it? He is attached, right? Can I have the bunny and the lettuce?

Archer

Um, can we give Lenny the rabbit?

And the lettuce!

Archer

...Sure thing. Go to town.

Yeah, 'cause, you know... they're brothers.

Archer

Um. Is he always gonna be like this now because I feel bad.

Archer

Hey, you idiots wanna hear my plan or not? [Silence] Alright... Suggestions.

Cyril

About what?

Archer

What are we talking about... Stopping my mother from selling ISIS to ODIN!

Cyril

You said you had a plan.

Archer

My plan is to crowdsource a plan!

Archer

[looking into Malory's desk, seeing it's rigged] Oh, come on! What could be so secret, she wired it up with twelve pounds of C-4? Ugh, I don't...think I even want to know. [calls Ray on his cell]

Ray

[annoyed] What?

Archer

Heh, nice. Here, take a look at this. [takes a picture of the C-4 wires] All right, which of these wires—

Ray

Blue and yellow.

Archer

The blue...you want to look at it for more than half a second?

Ray

I wired the damn thing, ass!

Archer

Well, I didn't know that, ass! [cuts the wires then opens the top drawer, pulling a memory stick out] Okay...

Ray

Oh my God.

Archer

What?

Ray

I lied. I didn't wire it.

Archer

What?!

Ray

Ba-dum-bump-ding!

Archer

You think that's funny?! [punches the drawer shut; it promptly starts vibrating] Wha—

Ray

Not compared to that.

Archer

What is that?

Ray

Oh, yeah.

Archer

No.

Ray

Yeaaaah.

Archer

No!

Ray

Not a bumblebee, is it?

Archer

I feel terrible.

Malory

That's because those ODIN ghouls drained a fifth of your blood!

Archer

Oh, hey, speaking of fifth...

Malory

A drink's the last thing you need!

Ew, what is this? Homemade salad dressing?

Dr. Krieger

Breast milk.

Ew! I actually... have my own.

Dr. Krieger

So... you won't need this.

Cheryl

Here, it's some plastic dry cleaner bags and a book about SIDS.

What, what kind of shit gift is that?!

Pam

Yeah, I made mine.

Dr. Krieger

[shouting from distance] Me too!

Archer

[with Woodhouse] That's disgusting. If I wanted to look at your bare feet, Woodhouse, I'd sneak in and do it while you were asleep.

Dr. Krieger

Me too!

[holding Seamus] Somebody's got a full diaper.

Dr. Krieger

[shouting from distance] Me too!

You should'a called first... this is the only airboat for fi'ty miles, and it reserved.

Archer

What do you mean, "Reserved"?

Is that not self-explanatory?

Lana

[Offering a big stack of cash] Perhaps we can work something out.

Sure, if you take that money, buy you a time machine, go back in time, and be the first person to reserve that airboat.

Archer

WOOOHOOOOOOO!!! THIS MUST BE WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH ME!

Lana

HOW CAN AN AIR BOAT BE SELFISH?!

Archer

Burt Reynolds is my spirit guide!

Lana

Did you say "man crush"?

Archer

No, I'm pretty sure it was "shut up!"

Archer

You realise you're in huge trouble?

Woodhouse

Yes, sir.

Archer

And now I have to spend my first Friday off in forever devising some bizzare punishment for you?

Woodhouse

Yes, sir.

Archer

So don't be surprised if you end up eating a whole bunch of... spiderwebs.

Archer

You want me to take a baby to a murder?

Malory

Wherever, just out of here. I have no more love left to give today.

Archer

Yeah and what is it? Two-Thirty?

Woodhouse

Then they gave me the VC and my papers...medical discharge.

Because of the scalps.

Woodhouse

Oh, for--

Archer

The what?!

German scalps!

Archer

What?!

Must've been fifty of 'em!

Archer

That's a lot of scalps.

Could've made a blanket.

Lana

[To Archer] What's up with your mother?

Archer

What comes after infuriated?

Malory

So how's this going?

Dr. Krieger

Not great.

Archer

Get me drunk enough and I might have sex with you.

Pam

Really?

Archer

No! Its a catch-22. The amount of alcohol it would take would literally kill me!

Pam

Dick.

Archer

But I do want to see how many pool balls you can fit in your mouth.

Pam

My record is three.