Malory Archer quotes from Archer

Archer

Mother burned me?

Lana

Apparently.

Archer

Oh, my god, that's classic her.

Lana

You're both classic her.

Pam

Looks like Jonestown in here.

Malory

Yes, Pam, get me some poison, because I am already dead inside.

Pam

Too dead inside to read good news?

Malory

Is it my obituary?

Pam

Well, it's not that good.

Malory

And?

Pam

And...

Malory

And are you going to loom over me all day, like some sort of... henge?

Archer

Let's talk this out.

Lana

Talk what out?! How you ruined my chance to work for ODIN?! Or--ooh!--maybe how I just caught my boyfriend balls deep in some French chick!

Archer

Ex-boyfriend, I bet.

Lana

Oh, you think?!

Archer

Yeah, he's not coming back. That chick was, like, the Pelé of anal.

Cyril

You've cheated on Lana plenty.

Archer

Yeah, but with starlets, models. Oh, and one time, two actual princesses.

Pam

Two at the same time?

Archer

Yeah. They were sisters.

Pam

Sploosh!

Archer

You just destroyed my innocence!

Oh, please! That Brazilian au pair did that when you were 13.

Archer

12!

Anka

I'm from Germany, where the age of consent is 14.

Archer

What is it, the Alabama of Europe?

Anka

In many ways, yes.

Lana

Was that before or after you got caught fondling a teenager?

Archer

Well, obviously before; after was all gendarmes and dick stitches.

Anka

Are you insane?!

Archer

No. Just incredibly Pissed Off!

Anka

That's no fun! Then you don't get to squirt that hot white cream all over your face!

Archer

Why aren't you with Gillette?!

Barry

...So don't try to do anything stupid.

Archer

I don't have to try [pause] Shit, whatever. Move. [walks away]

Archer

Freaky!

Krieger

You wanna know what's freaky? Guess what I already named that bunny.

Archer

Rabbert Klein?

Krieger

Wow. That's... actually better.

Archer

It's all yours.

Archer

[talking about a mind control chip placed in a rabbit] Can you put it in a person's brain?

Krieger

[pause] It'd suffocate...

Archer

Not the rabbit, idiot; the chip.

Krieger

Oh, yes. Absolutely.

Archer

Without killing the person?

Krieger

Oh. [pause] Maybe?

Archer

Why do we have so many damn dolls?

Pam

For sexual harassment complaints. So people can non-verbally indicate where stuff happened on their body.

Archer

That takes, like, one doll!

Pam

Not if there's ever a gang rape.

Archer

Cyril, better pill up; you're assisting Krieger with the surgery.

Cyril

Why me?

Archer

You're good at math.

Cyril

How's that supposed to help?

Archer

Can't hurt.