Malory Archer quotes from Archer

Malory

Why not?

Cyril

Because it's just not believable that this guy, who also can not be named Cassius, would risk his career for a woman twice his age.

Malory

So make her forty.

Cyril

Yeah, and who's gonna play her?

Malory

Me! That's the whole point!

Cyril

You do realize there's a finite supply of Vaseline in the universe.

Rona

These like Kung-Fu monks make this fifty foot tape, like a cloth measuring tape, but it's kelp.

Lana

Ah...

Rona

And you swallow over, like, three days and you start to, y'know, pass it. Then you just slowly, slowly pull it out of you over three more days...

Lana

Wait, what?!

Rona

It pulls all the toxins out of your body. And you just feel so clean.

Archer

[Eavesdropping] Oh yeah? While you're tangled in a half-mile of shit covered tape? ... Frickin' actresses.

Rona

Lana, hush! If you sit quietly, the toxin should wear off in, like, four hours. But if you struggle, your heart could...

Archer

[Bursting in with his gun drawn] Freeze!

Cheryl

Do anything fun this weekend? [Malory ignores her] 'Cause I sure did. Friday night was cornhole league and

Malory

[Interrupting] If I cared what you did on a weekend I'd put a shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger with my toes. [Malory leaves]

Cheryl

On Saturday I watched a building burn down.

Malory

Pam, those quarterly reports better be on my desk when I walk in there!

Pam

Ummm... Are you walking in there right now?

Krieger

My entire laboratory is at your disposal.

Malory

[Sarcastically] Thanks. I'll let you know if I need a hybrid pig-boy.

Krieger

A What?! I don't have one of those! [Cut to a shot of Krieger killing 'Pigley'] ... Anymore.

Archer

Wait, seriously don't open it?

Ray

[via Com link] Yes!

Archer

Oh. I thought you were being sarcastic.

Archer

It's a pink ribbon, I have breast cancer.

[Laughing]' Seriously, breast cancer?

Archer

Yes.

Sure it's not lady vagina cancer?

Archer

[Laughing weakly] Excuse me.

Archer

[Between punches] I'm trying... to stay positive... both mentally... and spiritually... Brett!

Cyril

Well he certainly doesn't have cancer in his fists.

Ray

Nah, he's beatin' his ass.

Archer

Wow, what a pussy. I could barely even keep up, he was spilling the beans so fast.

Lana

Well, you threatened to shove a knife up his dick hole. Which, again, ick.

Archer

Well excuse me, Lana. It's a rampage.

Archer

Don't you worry, Ruth... I'm gonna make them pay for it.

What are you--? Sterling, No! You're not well. What are you going to do?

Archer

Cry havoc and let slip the hogs of war!

Lana

Dogs of war...

Archer

Whatever farm animal of war, Lana! Shut up!

You don't know who you're messin' with, boyo. Do ya have any idea who our boss is?

Archer

[Placing shells in a sawed-off shotgun] Nope, but a hundred people surveyed, number one answer's on the board...

Archer

Name the douchebag who's in charge!

Vincent... Van Go-fuck-yourself.

Archer

Vincent Van Go-fuck-myself. Survey says! [Blows his kneecap off]

AAAAAARRRGGHHHHHH!

Oh, Christ!

Lana

JESUS! Archer!

Archer

What, Lana!? I said it was a rampage!

Lana

Still, though!

Uurgh, you son of a whore!

Archer

Save it for the fast money round, paddy! [Moves on to second mobster] Hundred people surveyed, number one answer's still on the board, name the douchebag who's in charge!

Archer

[Imitating buzzer] Eh-Eh! Need an answer!

Archer

Hmm, cock-flavored spit. Well, you never know what's gonna be on the board. Lemme see cock-flavored spit! [Blows the second mobster's kneecap off] That's two strikes!

Archer

One more and the innocent Honduran janitors get a chance to steal the bank! [To Hondurans] I'm just gonna assume you guys don't actually know what goes on here. I hope that doesn't sound racist. [Moves on to the third mobster] Okay, kid...

Lana

He is a kid, Archer!

Archer

LANA! You're in the isolation booth! [To young mobster] Looking for the douchebag who's in charge!

Mikey Hannedy... if you say one word I'll cut your yellow heart right out!

Archer

[Makes buzzer noise again] Eh-Eh! [Shoots first mobster, killing him]

Oh, Christ!

Archer

Mikey, you gotta listen to me, buddy... I have breast cancer.

[Laughing] Breast cancer!?

Archer

What have I been doing?

Lana

Chain-smoking joints the size of tampons!

Archer

Ew!

Lana

Figure of speech.

Archer

Still, though.

Lana

Are you not rampaging? I thought you were rampaging.

Cyril

Kreiger's father was a nazi scientist!

Malory

And JFK's father was a bootlegger.

Cyril

That's like comparing apples to... nazi oranges!

Malory

Oranges, exactly! Do you like powdered orange breakfast drink?

Cyril

No. Not Really.

Malory

How about Microwave ovens, Neil Armstrong, hook and loop fasteners?

Cyril

Ok, you lost me...

Malory

None of those things would have been possible without the nazi scientists we brought back after World War Two.

Cyril

The nazis invented Neil Armstrong?

Malory

Rockets! Which put him on the moon. After the war ended, we were snatching up kraut scientists like hot cakes. You don't believe me? walk into NASA sometime and yell "Heil Hitler" WOOP they all jump straight up!

Cheryl

I spent, like, every summer there listening to my creepy great-grandmother bitch about Abraham Lincoln. Apparently slavery was pretty awesome.

Malory

Prove it.

Archer

What's to prove? It's free labor.

Malory

Why would anyone want to kidnap you?

Cheryl

Because my last name isn't Gimple, like it says on my W-4. It's Tunt.

Archer

Tum again?