[Meatwad walks out of the house with braided hair.]
MMeatwad
No, sir. But now we got us a mail-order telemarket business. Ultra Mega Braid. Carl, I see you're noticing my braids.
MMeatwad
Did you know that you can have braids just like this? With Ultra Mega Braid!
Carl, you wanna try one out?
We could do your shoulders.
MMeatwad
They come in seven different colors, and you could add decorative beads and glitter. Make your own, unique Ultra Mega Braid!
Hey, kiss my Ultra Mega Ass!
[Carl walks away.]
You know, you don't really need kidneys.
MMeatwad
I know it's shallow, but hey, I want some. It's a status thing. That's what separates the men from the animals.
Actually, Meatwad, animals have kidneys, too.
MMeatwad
Well, animals ain't got no job working for the city.
MMeatwad
Yeah, well...damn! You burned me. I got nothing. [to Carl] So back off my car and hold your roll.
[Meatwad is hitting the engine of the Hotwad with a plastic saw.]
MMeatwad
Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Okay, that should do it. Okay now, when I say "crank it", you do whatever it is people do when they're told to do that.
Uh-uh! I ain't hearin' that. See, you askin', or you tellin'? 'Cause nobody tells Boxy Brown!
MMeatwad
Boxy, this isn't a big deal. I mean, I'm just asking a favor. Now if you remember, I helped you move your grandma to the home, and that was my day off.
Oh, that was no grandma, boy. That was a grocery bag.
MMeatwad
But you just a box.
[extremely angry] I just a what, bitch?!
MMeatwad
Y-You Duke of New York. You're A Number 1.
[shouts] You say that louder, boy!
MMeatwad
'YOU DUKE OF NEW YORK A NUMBER ONE!'
MMeatwad
Okay, here I go. (pause) You ready?
MMeatwad
(pauses again) Ready now?
Okay. (pause) Come on, Meatwad, I'm ready.
MMeatwad
You ready for it?
I'M READY ALREADY! JUST DO IT!!!
MMeatwad
Okay, don't get mad at me. (turns on the radio) How's that sound? Do you like that song?
MMeatwad
I did! This is Key: K-104, Jersey's kickin' country!
The key to the ignition, Meatwad!
MMeatwad
(turns off radio) I'm turnin' it!
That's the steering wheel!
[sighs] But you're turning to the right!
MMeatwad
Go to Mach 1, engage warp speed. I'm late for work. [makes engine noises]
[Frylock and Shake are watching Meatwad from the house]
Shake, I'm a little worried about Meatwad. I think he's losing his mind.
Watch this. I think he's losing his license.
MMeatwad
(hears sirens) Aw, shoot! The bronze 5-0.
[The "siren" is Shake with a police hat, badge and baton.]
(calmly) Is there, uh...is there an emergency or something?
MMeatwad
(nervously) Well, yeah, I mean-
MMeatwad
Y'know, I need to get to work and uh-
MMeatwad
Hey, I'm a wild man. I can't drive 55.
[taps axle with baton] No wheels here, either...and you passed an inspection like that?
I see you ran through a couple of lights. And I'm thinking...surely this little lady wouldn't do that in her own town? Where ya from?
MMeatwad
Now, they was yellow when I went through them-
(unimpressed) Uh-huh. They were red...like your ass is gonna be, when I get through with you. Alright, step out of the car, please. Have you had anything to drink tonight, ma'am?
MMeatwad
Oh, hell yeah. Can I mix you something, or-
Alright. I want you to walk in a straight line to that manhole and when you fall down in there, I want to hear the alphabet backwards.
MMeatwad
Okay. (rolls off)
(throws off hat and baton) Sucker! He-hey! (gets in Hotwad, makes engine noises)
[Meatwad goes to Frylock inside]
MMeatwad
Did you see that?! He stole my car!
Yeah. Did you get the plate number?
MMeatwad
Good idea! (leaves)
(in background) Hey, what are you looking at?! Hey, it's not Sunday, lady! Let's go!!!
MMeatwad
(to Frylock) What's that letter that does this? (gestures) With the thing? There's two of them.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, what was that noise?! Uh, where is my white hatchback?!
[Playing dumb] 'Scuse me?
And why are there skid marks there?!
Uh, I just got through mowing the lawn...if that's a crime.
I friggin' RENTED THIS THING THIS MORNING!!
Yeah, we know how you did it. Congratulations. The bank gave you a credit card. It doesn't make you better than me! But you see, nobody gives me credit, because I'm a bad risk and I don't pay my bills on time. So I have to work for what I have.
Um, did my car always have that, or am I just uh...
What? Class? Style? I don't think so. Thank God I got a hip transplant. Now why don't you go back into your house and shut up?
[Carl's head explodes]
MMeatwad
Why'd he do that?
It says here that this wisdom cube is the wisest being in the universe and he travels the galaxies feeding off knowledge.
MMeatwad
He be feeding off them microwave burritos, too.
MMeatwad
There were six this morning, there ain't none now. He's gassy, boy. Don't say nothing about him fartin'.
Oh, he's just doing that with his mouth Meatwad. Sometimes the most brilliant people are the most eccentric.
MMeatwad
Really? That's a dead-on impression of a butt.
(calling Carl) Hey buddy, how's it going? You know, I just happened to check the pH levels of your pool and they are incredibly high! Not good. Fix it or I'm getting a lawyer. Okay, bye!
Yeah, it's cool. We're all good.
[They bring a pool float and sunglasses next door. Carl's house is surrounded by metal poles]
You were home the whole time?
MMeatwad
Well, he don't ever leave the house, he's one of them, um, shutoffs. Sh-shutout. Wait, what the hell is it called?
MMeatwad
Yeah, it's a shut up.
I never thought you'd screen with me, Carl.
(insincerely) Oh, I was just lightin' the grill, waiting for you guys to come over! Have a little barbeque, little beer...you know I love you guys.
Carl, you alright? You're acting strange.
Hey, race over here! Last one in is a rotten egg!
MMeatwad
Shake's a rotten egg!
[Lasers emit from the poles when Meatwad gets close. They back away, shocked]
MMeatwad
Oh, that feels hot.
Aw, come on, why'd you stop?! Keep coming, ya so close.
MMeatwad
Hell yeah, well come on!
[he runs the float by the lasers, causing it to pop and burn]
[lasers come out the roof of Carl's house and shoot the float]
Good, it works. Now, you try doing that with your body now.
(waving sunglasses around) Carl, top shelf. Not the high-end model, but it works for you and, y'know, your income bracket, but don't worry, I'm not going to tell anybody how cheap you are.
[Shake accidently waves the sunglasses into the lasers, cutting them]
Yeah, come closer there, Shakeman. You won't tell anybody anything. Ever again.
SSkeeter
[at Carl] Dude, you wanna move your thing? You almost killed us!
Yeah, are you, like, begging me instead to, like, mess up your pizza face in front of your girlfriend over there [points at Frylock], 'cause I'll do it, man!
SSkeeter
[holding D.P. back] Dude, dude, it's not worth it!
No, man, look at my ship!!! [points to his wrecked spaceship] My dad is gonna be pissed!
SSkeeter
[to Carl] Do you know who his dad is?! He is totally rich...he will totally hook you up.....dude....we're drunk!
These friends of yours, Fryman?
Hey, where's the club? I need to piss.
They came from space, you know...typically, that means you're somehow connected.
Carl, I've never seen them before in my life.
So, you don't mind if I talk to her? [points to Frylock]
Her??! Ha-ha, yeah, knock yourself out. She's a regular ho-bag.
[to Frylock] 'Sup, little lady?
SSkeeter
Dude, she's got a bit of a 'stache.
It's all right, she's good to go [gives Skeeter a fistbump]. So...my dad's totally rich, we own this dealership, and, uh, what sorority are you in?
'Scuse me?! I think you have me confused with a woman.
SSkeeter
Ohhh, she burned you, dude!
Oh, so you couldn't get in to a sorority?
SSkeeter
This is beat. Total sausage party. Uhh...I think. C'mon D.P., let's get out of here.
Well, what else is open besides, your mouth, when you're like kissing on some gay dude and like holding his, like, muscles cause his arms are just like, wrapped around you and you feel like so safe, cause you're like, not that you're gay or nothing, but god you just want to bury yourself in his chest and just live there forever.
SSkeeter
D to the P, let's go, I got the munchies.
Hang on, hang on...[starts talking to Shake] what's your name, babe?
Ah, you wanna take me to your dorm room for a drink or somethin'?
No, but I believe this little lady needs to have a life experience.
[Shake hands Meatwad to D.P.; D.P. proceeds to kiss him.]
MMeatwad
What you doin'?! Don't kiss me!
What? It's cool, I got a rubber. What?!
MMeatwad
You stay outside. You scarin' me.
You, uh, you have a brush I could borrow?
We don't, we're all, uh, bald.
[he pulls out a toilet brush]
MMeatwad
I use this for my teeth, and my hair.
Oh, yeah, I forgot. I live next to a third world hell hole.
Out of the way! I will ruin this bird with my anger!
[Turkatron busts in and holds Carl by the throat]
[while choking Carl] Drop the chainsaw if you want him to live.
[long pause; Shake proceeds to carve the turkey]
Shake, put that damn chainsaw down! Give it here!
[Frylock attempts to pray over the food]
Lord, thank you for this food we are about to receive...
[Interrupting the prayer, whispering] Excuse me, little help? Could I have the tacos please?
ahem This bounty of tacos...
[Interrupts again] Could you pass the tacos? Could you pass me the tacos? [louder] Could you pass me the TACOS?!
Ahem. For the fellowship we have w--
MMeatwad
Hey, hey. Wait. What's a fellowship?
It's a gay bar down on 9th. Aren't you glad we're thanking the Lord for a nautically themed gay bar?!
For the fellowship we have with our neighbor, Carl!
No, no! Do not rope me into this! The Lord does not need to know that I am here!
Aqua Teen Hunger Force · 785 quotes
