Meatwad quotes from Aqua Teen Hunger Force

Can I blow out the candles now? There's just wax all over my cake.

Master Shake

Of course, it's your birthday...but you gotta cough up the royalties first.

Frylock

How much did that cost you, Shake?

Master Shake

(exasperated) (Yawns) So tired of people in the private sector- Look, every business has an initial investment, okay? Everybody have birthdays and they all need to sing.

Frylock

HOW MUCH...did it cost?

Master Shake

(sighs, grabs ledger) Well, I guess we'll start with travel. Zach, as you well know, traveled by a train of white stallions...which I had to buy and feed... and of course, you know the snow machine-

Frylock

(grabs ledger) Give me that. 1.4 million dollars?!

Master Shake

The money is going to roll right in. D'you know how many birthdays there are in a year? There are hundreds. Literally...hundreds.

Zakk Wylde

Is Milkshake here?

Frylock

No, no, no.... I mean.

Zakk Wylde

The beating I'm about to inflict upon him is going to be indescribable.

He's in the back. Go ahead and get 'em!

Zakk Wylde

Allright, thanks. Nice place, by the way. (sees Shake hiding in the back) Hey, I see ya!

Master Shake

Zakk, my man! I've been looking all over- thank God you stopped by! (Zakk lifts up his guitar, pointing the "axe" end toward shake's head) No, no.... PUT THAT DOWN! (Zakk lodges the axe between Shake's eyes) AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!! GOD!!!!

Master Shake

(Willie throws the TV out the window) HEY! That was my window to the world!

Well now it's been shattered by the monster. Pretty scary, right?

Master Shake

No! Whats that word that's the exact opposite of scary?

Tacos?

Master Shake

Taco?! Where?! Get outta my way, those are mine I made them!

There's a monster? In the attic?!

Willie Nelson

Yeah... um, I was driven here by the villagers... when I was doing 30 in a 25... and, uhm, I guess when I say villagers, it's more like this one guy... I really didn't know him.. but- eh, I knew him, but it's not like we were buds or anything.

Master Shake

Do you want him to repeat that?

Frylock

No, I heard it.

Master Shake

(disdainfully) Well, thanks for joining us, now.

Master Shake

You wanna see how to scare the neighbor? Check this out.

[answering] What?

Master Shake

Hey, catch!

[thrown at Carl] Hey Carl.

[knocked to the floor] Aaaah! Get him off, get him off, get him off...

Willie Nelson

Cool, can I try that?

Master Shake

No. Only I can do that.

WHAT?!!

Willie Nelson

Uh...

What do you want?!

Yeah, what do you want?

Willie Nelson

[forgetting his lines] Uh...what are you doing here?

I live here, asshole!

And I'm just visiting.

Willie Nelson

Well, listen, did you get any of my mail? Willie Nelson?

Hang on, lemme look.

Eat me.

Willie Nelson

If it shows up, bring it over. If you dare. God, I suck.

Hey, Carl!

Who's this, your frickin' mother?!

Willie Nelson

No, Carl. It's your neighbor, Willie Nelson. I got chased here by the villagers.

Well, villager...

Yeah, that's a great story. See ya.

Frylock

What's up with the razor?

Willie Nelson

Oh, well, I shave once every couple days. It's nerve-wracking. It's supposed to be.

Shake

Well, it's not.

[horrified] You shave up there?!

Frylock

Don't mind me, I'm just a sailor on shore leave... from the Ship of the Damned!! Muah hah hah.

Okay.

Frylock

You know, the Ship of the Damned?

Nuh uh.

Frylock

Famous short story about a ship that had a hole in it?

No.

Master Shake

Yeah, just go put on your ballerina shoes get the rest of the outfit, be who you really are...Dr. Zhivago. Yeah, you suck.

Frylock

I'll just go get the candy, okay?

He's gettin' candy!

Master Shake

I got ten bucks says he's wearin' women's panties under that.

... Under what?

Master Shake

I know what I said, Meatwad!

Shake

Doesn't matter cause I ain't picking those up.

Well it's all your bull crap. All them Battlestar Earth plastic drink cups.

Don't you touch those! They're in mint condition, and they're going to stay that way.

I'll touch them all the way to the trash, that's what I'll do.

Shake

You do that and your GI Joes are gonna be MIA my friend. Then who's gonna call, little mama joe, and tell her that her boy ain't comin' home, because someone fell asleep on guard duty!

If anybody needs me...I'll be outside...with the shovel, sucka!

Master Shake

Oh no, you don't! That bullion is mine!

Look at him. He dumb as hell.

Frylock

He sure is, Meatwad. He sure is.

Frylock

No, no, no, NO!

Shake

I know! The stupid pirates must have buried it under the gas line!

Frylock

I told you fourteen inches!

Shake

You tell me a lot of things! But that doesn't mean that I have to listen!

Frylock

Oh my God! That is no ordinary sandwich, Shake.

Master Shake

Oh my God, oh my- do you ever have anything good to say? It's a free sandwich.

Frylock

It's not a sandwich at all, Shake. IT'S THE BROODWICH.

The blue witch?

Frylock

No, the Broodwich Meatwad, Broodwich.

Wait... wait, say what?

Frylock

BROODWICH!

The Blair Witch is here?!

Frylock

No Meatwad, the Brood-WICH!

Master Shake

I'll tell you what it is, friends: It's SHUT UP and lemme EAT it!

Frylock

[explaining how he's heard of the Broodwich] I read a very disturbing article about this sandwich in...the Bible.

No, you probably saw our piece in Vogue?

Frylock

I doubt it, I don't read that...

Heidi Klum was on the cover. You know, the Broodwich issue.

Frylock

Okay, yes. It was Vogue.

Master Shake

You read all this in 'Vogue'!?

Our PR department is awesome.

Master Shake

That's a 'girl' magazine! I hope you were at the dentist, Frylock!

Frylock

[embarrassed] I... It just comes to the house.

Master Shake

Of course it comes, WHEN YOU 'ORDER' IT, YOU BIG, FAT, 'LADY'!

Heh heh! Someone down there's a girl!

Shake

I haven't paid taxes in six years.. I am not gettin' busted by a sandwich!

Then you must find another with an appetite for insanity.

Shake

Hey. You're dumb. Eat this.

I heard what that boy said; I ain't eating jack.

Shake

You're gonna let this guy scare you? How bad could it possibly be?

It's a world of skinless, blood-soaked nightmares clattering from the deep and clattering for the meat of the guilty.

Shake

Oh, come on. The guy's just jealous. Go on. Woof it down, dog.

Well I don't know, I mean, is the mayonnaise fat-free?

Shake

You're a dog.

'Cause, you know, it's not the calories that get you, man. It's the saturated fats.

Shake

[stuffs Meatwad's mouth with the Broodwich] Woof it, you mutt.

Frylock

Meatwad, no!

Shake

Hey, did you hear what I called him? He can't do jack about it. [Meatwad reappears from Hell] Hey! How'd ya like Mr. Sticks?! He was a real treat, wasn't he?

Yeah... Jerry said you guys had a little run-in, but he's a decent guy, I mean, once you get to know him.

Shake

Bull crap! I know that guy was all over you with his axe!

Nah, that don't sound like Jerry. Now, the Jerry I know took me to Merry Christmas... which is a strip club... Merry Triple X-mas.. You see what I'm saying? You see what I'm saying!?

Shake

Gimme that sandwich!!

Frylock

Wow, so you're saying it was fun?

Hell no! That sumbitch had an axe!

So, I don't know, she's like, "move your skulls to the basement, because I got these 'drapes'..." I don't even get that, I’m like, "Honey, this is 'work'."

Are you serious?

I can’t put ‘em in the fucking basement, I mean, and she’s like, you know, “Can you put a tarp over them, also?” And I just felt like...NO! I’m not... god damn it!

I got one at home just like it. And I got a kid now, and so...

That’s a whole other set of bullshit, I’m sure.

So, Cathy puts the co-sleeper right next to my preserved brain collection, and she wants me to move them cause she thinks it's not hygienic.

I don't understand how there's a lack of appreciation for that... backlight coming through the glass of the jars that the brains are in. I mean, it just looks cool.

You've seen that?

Why move it? That's the point of putting it next to the window.

Right.

And I’m sure you've explained that to Cathy, but she obviously doesn't get that.

Yeah. Yeah, there's no... yeah, I can’t even argue with her.

Ugh, it's fuckin' ridiculous.

If I want to move the bed... (sees Shake) Hey. Hey, isn't that that guy?

Master Shake

And what's with the toilet seat, right?

—Oh what the fuck!?!

Master Shake

Jerry, no! We're cool! We're cool, man!

Frylock

The radiator's split, the tranny's shot, the wheels are melted, the crankshaft somehow found its way into the woofer in the back, and all the fluids are in the floorboard!

Nah it ain't. This just the soft-drink machine.

Frylock

They're fluids, Meatwad!

Soft drink's a fluid.