[Steve enters the bathroom, where Stan is about to "heal" himself]
Dad! There you are!
Of-Of course I'm here. Wh-Where would I be? Alone? Touching myself?
Yeah, right. Only perverts and Democrats do that.
S1 E9A Smith in the Hand
HDr. Heisler
Your breasts are fine. It would be unethical for me to recommend anything larger. But may I suggest a third breast?
I don't think--
HDr. Heisler
Okay, how about two in the back? Or I can combine these two into one fantastic super-boob!
Can I just get a little Botox?
HDr. Heisler
[disappointed] No one ever wants the super-boob.
[bending antennas on TV in anger] Murderer! You killed my son!
I'm still alive, Dad.
Yes, but you're dead inside.
So you're saying I should never, ever have sex before marriage?
That's right. Or angels will kill you.
S1 E10All About Steve
[to Roger] I promise I'll help you find a safe way to socialize with humans.
That'd be great, Hayley. I feel so cooped up in this place. It's like a prison, except without the thrill of a daily cavity search. [pauses] Did I say thrill? I meant fear.
[Stan is at the dentist]
DDentist
Mr. Smith, you're what we call in the business a Class A grinder. Now, I'm not talking about the sandwich grinder or the organ grinder you may find locked in sweaty coitus with your father one fateful afternoon in Rome. No, you're a Class A grinder, meaning that you grind your teeth so fervently that you need braces.
Braces? You've got to be kidding!
DDentist
I only wish, Mr. Smith. And I only wish I had never known the sickly sweet scent of my father's love with that filthy fat gypsy. And that I could have mustered something other than "Papa, no!" before that shrieking monkey drove me from the room. But you're a grinder, and you're getting braces.
But I've already had braces, doctor! I've paid my dues!
[The last line triggers a flashback of his father and the monkey, which apparently traumatizes the Dentist to the point of becoming emotionless.]
DDentist
[grimly] Do we ever pay our dues, Mr. Smith?
'[Stan finds Roger in the bathroom beaten, shaking and drinking coffee.]
I got beat up by a taco!
S1 E11Con Heir
[after Steve tells his friends that he was making out with a chick that is 80]
Dude, she's got wrinkles!
So do raisins. But those taste pretty sweet.
You have a stable job, and adoring wife, and a family that loves you. That makes you the richest man in the world.
Oh, oh, that's fantastic, Francine. I'm the richest man in the world. [picks up the phone] Hello, Bill Gates? Turns out I'm the richest guy in the world, because I have an adoring wife and a loving family.
Oh, Stan, please.
Oh, hang on. That's the other line. Hello, UNICEF? Yes, I'd like to donate some of my immense riches. What's that? Children are still starving in Africa because wife love is worthless to you? What an odd policy!
Okay, I get it!
[Stan and Jack are about to break in to the vault of National Gallery of Art]
JJack
Son, breaking into a vault is like making love to a woman.
Right. So we should pound on it for, like, two minutes?
[Roger and Hayley talking about Jack in Hayley's room]
Jack is so wonderful. How many push-ups do you think he can do? 'Cause I think he can do hundred.
Roger, do you have a boy crush on my grandfather?
No, of course not! Why? Did he say something about me?
S1 E12Stan of Arabia: Part 1
Michael Moore? Oh, you mean Michael bin Laden!
So you know that Bullock claims to know everything. Well he didn't know his mother had cancer untill it was too late to operate.
PPublic
*shocked* OH!
Hahahahaha...
All right, everyone stay calm. We may be in Saudi Arabia, but it doesn't mean we have to panic or blame your mother.
How come all the women are dressed like ninjas?
They're wearing abayas. Saudi women aren't objectified like women in Western cultures. The beauty myth doesn't exist here.
It doesn't exist in Idaho either. Why wouldn't we go there? Talk about a bunch of dogs.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's American Dad! pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.