Stan, have you been eating the cookie dough again?
Why, is there still some on my face?
No.
Then no.
“Pulling Double Booty” · Season 4, Episode 6
In this episode: Stan Smith (5), Francine Smith (4), Hayley Smith (3), Jeff Fischer (1), Avery Bullock (1)
Once again, C.I.A. body-doubles are for work purposes ONLY, people. Using your double to finish making love to a Jet Blue stewardess - because you were too drunk - is a definite no-no! [Glances at Saunders] Saunders...
SSaunders
Did you blab? Why'd you tell people?
SDSaunders' Double
C'mon, it was my first sloppy seconds!
(Stan's Phone Rings)
Hello?
FFrancine (V.O.)
Stan! Hayley and Jeff broke up!
So? She breaks up with Jeff at least every other week.
FFrancine (V.O.)
You don't understand! This time, he broke up with her.
[At the mall, Jeff is saved by Stan from some rubble, and they talk about Hayley]
...But why'd she go so crazy?
Whenever she gets dumped, she completely wigs out. I don't know why; it's always been that way...
[Flashback to kindergarten; Hayley is crushed on by boy named "Jon"; she is happy; new girl arrives, boy crushes on her instead; in response, Hayley destroys classroom, killing the class hamster in the process]
The autopsy showed the hamster was pregnant...
[Stan carries a limp Hayley riddled with darts into the living room]
Oh, God! Is she alright?
She'll be fine; just breathe her with this pump.
[Francine holds Hayley and begins pumping her lungs]
The police said, if Hayley goes on another rampage, they'll throw her in jail!
Jail?! She'll never survive! Tiny cells, the gangs, getting shanked in the cafèteria! [Grunts and pretends to stab someone] The first couple stabs break the skin, then they really get in there! [Grunts with effort] And my baby's all, "Auuggh! You bitch; I'll kill you!" [Sits down quietly and continues pumping Hayley's lungs; Stan glares on]
...That was a haunting scenlet, Francine.
...And we can't prevent it! Hayley has horrible taste in men; she's gonna get broken up with again!
That's why, from here on out, she doesn't date anyone I don't sign off on.
[Still pumping] I don't know Stan. I think what she needs right now is our love and support--
[Hayley suddenly awakens, then grabs Francine and throttles her]
Shoot her! Shoot her in the face!
I think he might be the one! I mean, if he dumped me, I don't know what I would do.
Francine [nervously]: You'd be fine!
No, I think I'd go maximum crazy! I'd murder Bill... burn down the neighborhood... rape Roger!
Have f-fun, you two!
Don't worry, we will!
[Stan, dressed as Bill, his body double, and Hayley drive away.]
'Cause we're finally going all the way!
[Stan looks increasingly uncomfortable.]
Hayley [rapping]: Doin' it, doin' it, d-d-doin' it! Should we break for lunch? Nope! Let's keep doin' it, doin' it! Someone's at the door! I don't care! We're doin' it, doin' it! Wanna put on our hikin' boots? Yeah! We'll wear 'em while we're doin' it, doin' it!
Hayley [sing-song]: I like the rhythm, it is my method.
(At a forest, Hayley rings Stan's phone, revealing the ruse)
Dad?
(answers it) Uh, hello. Hey, Johnny, yeah. (to Hayley) It's work. (on the phone) Well, look in the book. Is it a warehouse item? (to Hayley, whispers) Five minutes.
Dad, you're talking to me on the phone, and in your voice. (after a long pause, Hayley found out what was going on) Oh my God! Are You KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Uh, I love you honey! I said it. See? **Hayley, wait! I can explain! I had a good reason. (Hayley brings out a box of matches) Oh, you grabbed some matches from the hotel-- little keepsake. Now, you don't want to tear one of those out. The serious collector keeps his matchbooks intact. (Hayley rips out a match and stikes it) Oh, now it's worthless.**
**[Only on DVD]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's American Dad! pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.