Francine Smith quotes from American Dad!

Hey, what are you doing?

Francine

[pulls out a suitcase and starts packing things in it] I can't do it, man. I'm leaving. I'm going to... I don't know. My mom's, my sister's... Hell! I'll even go back to prison. I don't care.

Look, maybe it won't be so bad. We got through Hayley's puberty.

Francine

Barely.

[Flashback to a pubescent Hayley wearing a purple shirt and a white skirt. She is holding a box of tampons in her left hand and a tampon in her right hand. Francine and Smith are cowering in front of her and Stan is holding a fork]

Whaddaya mean, "Every month"?!

Francine

Honey, that's the glory of being a woman.

[throws the tampon at Stan and Francine] I'm not using these! [throws the box] I'm never using these! [proceeds to sit on the white couch]

FSFrancine & Stan

No! [she sits]

[Flashback to Hayley, a bit older]

Hayley (pointing to her small breasts): This is as big as they're gonna GET?!

[Stan and Francine are in the same pose as earlier, crying in fear. Stan is holding a stapler, shooting staples towards Hayley]

[Flashback to Hayley, a bit older. She has a huge pimple on her left cheek and is crying]

I'm hideous!

[Stan and Francine are in the same pose again. Stan is holding a torch]

Francine

Honey, you can't even see it.

It's pretty.

[enters the room with a box of French fries and a soda] Wow, Hayley, your cheek's pregnant. Who's the father? Touching your face all day with your greasy hands?

[Hayley grabs Roger and hurls him through the window. She grabs Stan's torch and sets fire to the living room, screaming maniacally]

S4 E1 1600 Candles

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Francine

Have you ever been beaten naked in a gym shower, Stan? One day, when I was showering after gym class, these mean pretty girls caught me and kept scrubbing me all over with soap. I mean, they didn't miss a spot! And even though we were all wet and naked and slippery, they were still able to get me on all fours, and shove my face to the floor! Can you imagine, Stan?

[Stan is sitting on the chair, drenched in sweat from arousal with his coat covering his lap]

How'd they catch you again?

S4 E1 1600 Candles

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Francine

Stan, have you been eating the cookie dough again?

Why, is there still some on my face?

Francine

No.

Then no.

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Avery Bullock

Once again, C.I.A. body-doubles are for work purposes ONLY, people. Using your double to finish making love to a Jet Blue stewardess - because you were too drunk - is a definite no-no! [Glances at Saunders] Saunders...

SSaunders

Did you blab? Why'd you tell people?

SDSaunders' Double

C'mon, it was my first sloppy seconds!

(Stan's Phone Rings)

Hello?

FFrancine (V.O.)

Stan! Hayley and Jeff broke up!

So? She breaks up with Jeff at least every other week.

FFrancine (V.O.)

You don't understand! This time, he broke up with her.

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[Stan carries a limp Hayley riddled with darts into the living room]

Francine

Oh, God! Is she alright?

She'll be fine; just breathe her with this pump.

[Francine holds Hayley and begins pumping her lungs]

The police said, if Hayley goes on another rampage, they'll throw her in jail!

Francine

Jail?! She'll never survive! Tiny cells, the gangs, getting shanked in the cafèteria! [Grunts and pretends to stab someone] The first couple stabs break the skin, then they really get in there! [Grunts with effort] And my baby's all, "Auuggh! You bitch; I'll kill you!" [Sits down quietly and continues pumping Hayley's lungs; Stan glares on]

...That was a haunting scenlet, Francine.

Francine

...And we can't prevent it! Hayley has horrible taste in men; she's gonna get broken up with again!

That's why, from here on out, she doesn't date anyone I don't sign off on.

Francine

[Still pumping] I don't know Stan. I think what she needs right now is our love and support--

[Hayley suddenly awakens, then grabs Francine and throttles her]

Francine

Shoot her! Shoot her in the face!

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Francine

Have f-fun, you two!

Don't worry, we will!

[Stan, dressed as Bill, his body double, and Hayley drive away.]

'Cause we're finally going all the way!

[Stan looks increasingly uncomfortable.]

Hayley [rapping]: Doin' it, doin' it, d-d-doin' it! Should we break for lunch? Nope! Let's keep doin' it, doin' it! Someone's at the door! I don't care! We're doin' it, doin' it! Wanna put on our hikin' boots? Yeah! We'll wear 'em while we're doin' it, doin' it!

Hayley [sing-song]: I like the rhythm, it is my method.

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Francine

Oh my neck is killing me—being trapped in this room is stressing me out.

Look, Frannie, I know you're hurting. I just want you to know I'm here for you andKAH!

Francine

Oh my God. ...I think you fixed it! [collapses] Oohhugh...

Mom?

I don't understand, this shoulda worked! I learned that move from a chiropractor in his van in the alley behind the 7-Eleve—oh boy, I think I raped a guy.

S4 E8 Chimdale

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So now I'm gonna be bald forever, and I'm gonna be a better man in your eyes for it.

Francine

No, not really.

What?

It doesn't matter to us if you've got hair.