Francine Smith quotes from American Dad!

Roger

You're gonna to roast each other. And your zingers better be mean. If you try any weak sauce, I'm gonna give you such a zots. [With a remote, he buzzes Stan] Now, Stan, roast Hayley. [Zots!] You feel that zots?!

Stan

Uh, Hayley, you're not very smart and you smoke a lot of pot.

Roger

[another buzz] Zots!

Stan

Uh, okay. Hayley, I secretly wish you were Benjamin Button, and you were aging backwards, and your life was almost over.

Roger

[laughing with Klaus] Oh, yeah! Insults in the form of jokes. So how's it feel, Hayley? Not too bueno, I bet. Now you do Steve.

Hayley

Steve, you will never get laid. There is nothing attractive about you. You have the sex appeal of the cancer ward in a pediatric hospital.

Klaus

[laughing] Oh!

Roger

Hayley coming in with a groaner. Nice. Okay, Steve, let's see you give it to your mama.

Steve

Mom, you are not smart. I don't tell "yo mama's so dumb" jokes. I tell "my mama's so dumb" jokes. Example: my mama's so dumb, I don't tell "yo mama's so dumb" jokes. I tell "my mama's so dumb" jokes.

Roger

I love it. Francine, take the pain and throw it right at Stan. Do it!

Francine

Stan, you have the undeserved ego of Jeremy Piven, the annoying self-righteousness of Sean Penn, and the unbearable hypocrisy of Rush Limbaugh. What I'm trying to say is, you're almost as bad a person as Rachael Ray.

Roger

I'm crying like Francine when she watches Grey's Anatomy.

Francine

I just feel so sorry for those poor actors.

Klaus

(From the living room) Guys! Get in here! The porn channel's coming in for some reason!

Francine

(while watching the porn) Nice.

Francine

Is everyone okay?

Stan

I'm gonna shoot him in the throat.

Francine

Stan, WAIT!...........I wanna watch.

Francine

So you weren't molested?

Stan

No, that wasn't until four or five years later. (cut to flashback of young Stan clutching fearfully to a swinging rope as a priest wearing nothing but a clerical collar and swimming trunks grabs for him, waiting for Stan to let go): It was my first week at Christian camp. But I'm not ready to talk about Father Roy.

Stan

Francine, touch me.

Francine

What?

Stan

Touch me. It'll provide us with all the warmth we need. I saw it on Man vs. Wild. That feels amazing.

Francine

I'm not touching you.

Roger

I am.

Stan

That feels amazing.

Francine

Look, it's not even my rule; it's your Dad's. You think I wouldn't want to spark up a doober every now and then? [drifts off, contently] Just take a nice, slow, extra-careful drive?

Hayley

But Mom...

Jeff

[to Hayley] It's okay, Hayley. I can handle it. I mean, weed's the thing I care about the most...but...maybe that should be you.

Francine

Thanks, Jeff! [slumps over, frustrated] MAN! You got me thinkin' about weed now. That stuff makes me want to drink so much soda! [looks off, wistfully] I smoke a bone, then I drink a two liter of Sunkist in like a second. Freaks people out...

Francine

I don't get it, they're friends again?

Hayley

Told you. They just needed to f**k.

Francine

Damn it, Roger. Take him to the hospital!

Roger

Franny, we've been over this. I can't take Stan to the hospital because then a doctor would save him. To restore the life debt, I have to save him.

Francine

This is crazy!!

Roger

Well I think you're crazy, see ain't that hurtful?

Francine

You son of a bitch. I'm gonna rip your fuckin' throat out!!

Roger

Oh, so it ends with you being the potty mouth so I'm hanging up.

Francine

Sorry things didn't work out with your new roommate, Roger.

Roger

I tell you, it's a cruel, cruel world out here. Did you know I saw a man beat down another man today for a sandwich? A sandwich, Francine. [shows a sub] This sandwich. [eats it] I wish I could just come home.

Francine

So come home. We want you there.

Roger

Stan doesn't. As far as he's concerned, the only reason I was living there was the life debt he owed me. And now it's repayed.

Francine

Forget about the life debt. Stan's too proud to admit he misses you, but I know he does. Hey! What if you offered to pay rent? Then Stan would have a perfect excuse to take you back.

Roger

You know, that could actually work. I don't mind paying a little rent. All right, I'm coming home! [throws the sub at a pedestrian] Hi, kids.

Francine

I got your message that you were staying here? Roger, this YMCA stopped renting out rooms, like, 30 years ago.

Roger

What? I just put up all my pictures. (shows Francine photos of him dressed as a pigtailed, redheaded girl riding and playing with a horse)

Francine

Oh, I wish you and Stan could just patch things up.

Roger

It's too late. (sits on the locker room bench next to a man facing his locker and wearing a towel): I've been replaced! (sobs)

Francine

Stan?

Stan

Did I... Did I turn back time?

Francine

No. You fainted and bashed your head on the counter.

Stan

I'm-I'm pretty sure I turned back time. You must be Francine's grandmother! One day, your granddaughter will make me a moderately happy man.

Stan

I had tracking devices implanted in the base of the kids' skulls when they were born. Hayley's heading north! It's only forty minutes away!

Francine

Let's go! Which way is north!

Stan

[points straight ahead] That way!

Francine

It's a dead end!

Francine

You piece of shit! You're gonna break my daughter's heart for fifty thousand dollars?!

Stan

Francine, you're too angry right now. [takes some money out of the briefcase] Go buy yourself some nuts and jerky. [to Jeff] You're buying my wife some nuts and jerky.

Francine

I'm gonna buy some nuts and jerky you piece of shit!

Jeff

[Stan hands him the case] Wow! Hundred dollar bills! Hello, President Shakespeare.

Stan

What in the hell is that?

Francine

My zucchini casserole.