[Francine is preparing to kill George Clooney with an axe]
Well, I'd better run. George Clooney's head is about to have a big opening weekend.
StanWait! I've gone along with you on this whole thing, no questions asked, but now I've gotta know. What the hell, Francine? What is this really about? I mean, I hate Susan Sarandon, but you don't see me cutting off my hand. I just cut my hair different for a while.
What is this about? Just look at that fucker with cucumbers on his eyes! Not a care in the world. No making school lunches, no grocery shopping, no cleaning the house, no one depending on him all the time!
Stan
Oh, God. This isn't about some unfulfilled dream. You're having a midlife crisis and you're taking it out on a future senator from California!
Midlife crisis? Wait. Future senator? Oh, I will fucking chop his head in two!
Stan
Francine, don't you see? Sure, Clooney has no cares, no one that depends on him, but... he has no one that depends on him. But you, you have a family: A son, a daughter...
...and a husband who took a sabbatical from work, moved to Prague, and hired mercenaries to help his wife seduce another man! You probably would have let me sleep with him.
Stan
Of course! I assumed you did!
[both laugh]
I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
[both turn to Clooney]
You know, I actually feel sorry for him. He'll never know this kind of happiness. Let's go home.
Stan
Steve, camp is an amazing place. You get to swim in the lake, drink bug juice, ring the bell if you win the Camp-A-Lympics. Oh, and then there's "camp love." It's such an intense experience, like winning the Grammy for Best R&B performance, duo, or group.
Dad, for the last time, you were not in Boyz II Men.
Stan
(sings) Whatever.
Stan
Good news, I found a camp that still has an opening.
Dad, I don't want to go to camp. It's hot and there's always something crawling in your sleeping bag, like a spider or a counselor. Just let me tend to my posies. (leaves)
Stan, he doesn't want to go to camp.
Stan
But I spent my summers at camp, and I had the time of my life. I want him to have that same experience. And besides, gardening's gay.
I'll have you know, James Coburn had a garden.
Stan
I'm sick of your lies about Coburn!
Just so we're clear, you will not return home from Africa without my son.
I'm going with you. If I can just hold a refugee's hand and look them in the eye, they'll know someone cares.
Stan
(laughs) Okay, Bono, settle down.
Dad, you have to help me get Makeva back.
Stan
But I don't know what to do.
(slaps Stan; mockingly) "I don't know what to do." You can act like a man!
Stan
There's no hitting at Camp Refoogee.
Look, the Bawango rebels ruined our camp and took one of your campers. Are you going to let them get away with that?
(The refugees gather around Stan)
Stan
Don't move, Steve. Just give them your credit card and we'll cancel it when we get home.
Dad, these are your campers. They're rallying around you.
Stan
Oh, yes, right, right. Thanks, fellas.
Stan
I hate the last day of camp. You better write me when you get home, H-Rod.
HRHot Rod
We don't have homes. The rebels destroyed everything.
Stan
Oh, right. I guess I don't like thinking about your horrible situation. (steps on soapbox; to the camera) Just like the rest of the world. Shame on you!
Stan, you're being ridiculous. We have a guest out there.
Stan
Please, Francine, show some panic. Our son is dating a fatty.
Dad, that's awful. Plus-size women drive our economy with their purchases of Garfield books and Haagen-Dazs.
You apologize to your son.
Stan
For what? You brought fat into our house.
You'd like Debbie if you got to know her, Dad. There's a lot more to her than you think.
Stan
There's more of her?!
Counselor (to Stan): Eating disorders are no laughing matter, young lady.
Stan
Young lady?
CCounselor
Now, now, I know in the locker rooms in high school, you feel uncomfortable about your body.
Stan
I'm not in high school!
CCounselor
When was the last time you menstruated?
Stan
I've never menstruated!
Counselor (to the rest of the class): You hear that, girls? Cautionary tale: Anorexia will dry up your ovaries like tobacco in the sun. Now, instead of starving yourselves, let's think of better ways at getting back at Daddy, like marrying a black dude?
I know about the government storage center, Stan. I'm having a baby.
Stan
No! (Francine maces Stan) My eyes! (His head hits the door where Francine exits) My mouth! (His back hits the bathroom door) My back! (He opens his eyes to see his dead plant) My begonia! (His hand presses the alarm clock, playing music) My Sharona! (His back hits the TV, turning it on)
JRJulia Roberts
...marry me?
Stan
"My Best Friend's Wedding"! (Shields his eyes) Ahh, my eyes again!
[after learning the prize is a set of wigs]
Stan you've gotta skate in this competition. For Francine. She hasn't been this happy in ages.
Stan
But you just said I shouldn't--
That was a test! You failed! God, you're selfish. [smack] Bad Stan! Oh, I meant to say "bad Stan" and then slap you. Bad Stan! [smack] I dunno, I like it both ways.
American Dad! · 929 quotes
