Stan Smith quotes from American Dad!

Francine

Stan, help me. I've been faking an affair to impress the Ladybugs, and they found out I was lying, and now they're trying to kill me!

Stan

A cult of murderous housewives. Before 9/11, I wouldn't have believed it. Or at least I'd ask you some follow-up questions. But that's just not the world we live in anymore.

Stan

Damn it, Roger! I've told you a million times: No smoking in the house!

Roger

And I told you it's menthol. So it's healthier than an apple.

Stan

Are you drunk?

Roger

Working on it.

Stan

This is what Roger does? He just sits here and watches this crap all day? What am I missing?

Klaus

An elevated blood-alcohol content.

Stan

Things you eat! Things that are fruit! Oh, oh, oh, things you peel! Ah, I'm halfway up the pyramid!

Klaus

You're watching The Price Is Right.

Stan

Shut up, Hayley. Oh, oh, oh, things that wear pants!

Stan

[Reading the instructions, trying to make Mac&Cheese] Hmm... Boil water. What am I? A CHEMIST?!

Steve

[Talking To Barry] You gonna use your diaper? Kinda floating over here.

Barry

Sure let me just [Screams] Sorry ocupodo.

When you ran over your wife - twice - it caused her brain to detach from her central nervous system. She's what we, in the medical profession, call "a husk."

Roger

I've heard of that.

We can reattach her brain, but it's an experimental prodecure your insurance won't cover.

Stan

That's my wife. I don't care how much it is, I'll pay it!

It's $178,000.

Stan

What if I don't need her to talk?

Roger

You got a best buddy? Can I be your second buddy?

Stan

Let's see, how do I hang an air freshner on this? You are a total waste waste of space. I often dream of killing you.

Stan

Ah, Mountain Pine.

Stan

Steve, I can't believe you're here! [he and his friend are doing chemistry] The Schwartzstein's house is going off. It's like a damn Ludacris video; pimp cups, shorties, it's all crunked out.

Steve

We're quantifying the molecular--

Stan

Steve, if you're gonna crawl out this geek squad, you gotta log some time with the cool kids. Now get goin'! I'd-uh-ditch Fatty and Dim Sum on the way here; they're gonna blow the ratio.

Steve

Damn your experimental steroids!

Stan

It's okay, son, you're experiencing a perfectly natural side effect called 'roid rage.

Steve

Oh, I'm experiencing a side effect, all right! [pulls front of bathrobe] I have boobs!

Stan

Oh, my God!

Klaus

I know. Talk about a butterface.

Breadsticks, courtesy of table four. [two men wave at Stan and Steve]

Stan

Thanks, fellas, thank you. Wave to the nice men, Steve. Not too eager, son, they just bought us bread; they didn't let us take the Jag out for a spin.

Barry

Thanks for driving me home, Mr. Smith. We're going faster than people.

Stan

Quiet, fatty fat-fat fatty!

Barry

Hey, Steve. Somebody left this on your front porch. (gives Steve the doormat)

Stan

Great, it's the fat one.

Steve

That's a doormat, Barry.

Barry

Who's Matt Barry?

Stan

God, I hate you so much!

Steve

Mom, can Barry stay for dinner?

Francine

If it's okay with his parents.

Barry

Oh, they won't care. They never care.

Stan

Good people. My kind of people.

Barry

Oh, time to take my vitamin. May I have a glass of water?

Stan

Fatty can use the garden hose!

Stan

Steve, do you still want to go to the Franklin Mint this weekend? The new Clara Peller commemorative plates are in. "Where's the beef?" (Laughs) Good question. Where was that beef? Nobody knew.

Steve

Oh, my God! The Franklin Mint?! Yeah, I'd rather die.

Stan

Steve used to really look up to me, but now it's like he's not into me anymore.

Roger

Wow, that's really, really boring.

Stan

I'm serious, Roger. I'm opening up to you here. It's like my son's rejection is bringing up all kinds of feelings I don't understand.

Roger

Oh, okay. Uh... not sure what to say here.

Hayley

Well, I'm off to petition my college for an Eskimo studies program.

Roger

What?! They don't have one? I'm sorry, Stan, I'd love to help you, but the Eskimos, their plight, that's the real stuff here.

Hayley

You care about the Eskimos?

Roger

Yeah, yeah, I love their pies. Keep going. Walk, walk, walk, walk, walk.

Stan

So, Barry, want to wind down by watching the best movie ever, Red Dawn?

Barry

I'm Barry!