Stan Smith quotes from American Dad!, page 11 ... TV Quotes Database

Played by Seth MacFarlane

Most-quoted character in American Dad!: in 368 of its 929 quotes
Most scenes with: Francine Smith (89), Roger (64), Steve Smith (61)

Scenes with Stan Smith 253

Stan

[bending antennas on TV in anger] Murderer! You killed my son!

Steve

I'm still alive, Dad.

Stan

Yes, but you're dead inside.

S1 E9 A Smith in the Hand

View quote →

Steve

So you're saying I should never, ever have sex before marriage?

Stan

That's right. Or angels will kill you.

S1 E9 A Smith in the Hand

View quote →

[Stan is at the dentist]

DDentist

Mr. Smith, you're what we call in the business a Class A grinder. Now, I'm not talking about the sandwich grinder or the organ grinder you may find locked in sweaty coitus with your father one fateful afternoon in Rome. No, you're a Class A grinder, meaning that you grind your teeth so fervently that you need braces.

Stan

Braces? You've got to be kidding!

DDentist

I only wish, Mr. Smith. And I only wish I had never known the sickly sweet scent of my father's love with that filthy fat gypsy. And that I could have mustered something other than "Papa, no!" before that shrieking monkey drove me from the room. But you're a grinder, and you're getting braces.

Stan

But I've already had braces, doctor! I've paid my dues!

[The last line triggers a flashback of his father and the monkey, which apparently traumatizes the Dentist to the point of becoming emotionless.]

DDentist

[grimly] Do we ever pay our dues, Mr. Smith?

S1 E10 All About Steve

View quote →

Francine

You have a stable job, and adoring wife, and a family that loves you. That makes you the richest man in the world.

Stan

Oh, oh, that's fantastic, Francine. I'm the richest man in the world. [picks up the phone] Hello, Bill Gates? Turns out I'm the richest guy in the world, because I have an adoring wife and a loving family.

Francine

Oh, Stan, please.

Stan

Oh, hang on. That's the other line. Hello, UNICEF? Yes, I'd like to donate some of my immense riches. What's that? Children are still starving in Africa because wife love is worthless to you? What an odd policy!

Francine

Okay, I get it!

S1 E11 Con Heir

View quote →

[Stan and Jack are about to break in to the vault of National Gallery of Art]

JJack

Son, breaking into a vault is like making love to a woman.

Stan

Right. So we should pound on it for, like, two minutes?

S1 E11 Con Heir

View quote →

Stan

So you know that Bullock claims to know everything. Well he didn't know his mother had cancer untill it was too late to operate.

PPublic

*shocked* OH!

Stan

Hahahahaha...

S1 E12 Stan of Arabia: Part 1

View quote →

Steve

How come all the women are dressed like ninjas?

Hayley

They're wearing abayas. Saudi women aren't objectified like women in Western cultures. The beauty myth doesn't exist here.

Stan

It doesn't exist in Idaho either. Why wouldn't we go there? Talk about a bunch of dogs.

S1 E12 Stan of Arabia: Part 1

View quote →

Stan

Oh, I invited the fellows over for a feast after work so I figured you could whip something up. Or as they say in this country, [clap clap]

Francine

Forget it! You may have me locked up in this house but I control what I do in it. Or as they say in my country, [finger snaps]

S1 E12 Stan of Arabia: Part 1

View quote →

[Stan and Francine in the market]

Stan

Saudi Arabia is the greatest country in the world!

Francine

Greatest country in the world?

[singing]

We packed our bags we hopped a plane, we left our happy home.

Stan

Uh, Francine, singing is kinda illegal here...

Francine

The culture seemed a bit insane, but you said "Hey, when in Rome..."

Stan

Uh, seriously Francine ix-nay on the inging-say..

Francine

Maybe you've got no reason to complain...

But I've got no Y chromosome.

[speaking]

So here's what I don't like about Saudi Arabia. Hit it!

You can't go out unless you are escorted by a man.

And when you do you come home with a butt crack full of sand.

No alcohol, no rum and cokes, and no Dom Perignon.

At least a girl can have a smoke.

MMan

But not on Ramadan.

Oh it's a land of joy, if you are a boy.

But if you are a girl, it's the worst place in the world.

Stan

Ok Francine, we get it.

Francine

Oh but I'm just getting started.

American girls, we do pilates.

Starve ourselves until we're hotties.

Why? Because we like our bodies!

Check me out, you uptight Saudis!

[Francine strips down to lingere and boots]

Oh it's so awfully grand.

Stan

Come on Francine, stop singing.

Francine

If you are a man.

Stan

I'm only back-up singing.

Francine

If you don't take me home soon Stan I think I'm gonna hurl...

It's the worst place in the world.

Stan

I started this point system and she's way behind.

Francine

I only want to see the world, explore, and socialize.

But in this town I can't so much as look at other guys!

Cause if I did they'd call me harlot, whore, adulteress.

I'd bet my last riyal you fellas won't approve of this!

Who wants a kiss?

[Francine kisses all the men in the market]

S1 E13 Stan of Arabia: Part 2

View quote →

[US airport, Stan kisses the ground]

Hayley

Gee Dad, 24 hours ago you hated America.

Stan

Oh ha ha ha, shut the hell up Hayley.

But you know, I will admit America has its flaws.

Steve

Really Dad, like what?

[singing]

Stan

Well there's...

Free speech, and there's gun control, and lousy Democrats.

The media's too liberal and everyone's too fat.

The women have careers and form opinions of their own.

We let our wives control our lives...

Francine

Damn it's good to be home!

[family singing]

Our life's not always great, in these United States.

But remember boys and girls...

It's not the worst place in the world!

Steve

It's not the worst place in the world, yeah yeah.

S1 E13 Stan of Arabia: Part 2

View quote →

Stan

What do you think happened?

[cut to palace, where it's revealed that Roger's husband made the call]

HHusband

Okay, beast with two backs. Now. (drops his trousers)

Roger

Oh, that's what all the fuss is about? Oh, yeah, okay. No problem.

S1 E13 Stan of Arabia: Part 2

View quote →

[after Roger successfully tricks Steve into thinking that Stan and Francine kidnapped him as a toddler due to Steve eating Roger's cookie]

Stan

Hey, son!

Steve

Don't "son" me, baby-snatcher! [pushes a bookcase onto Stan's wheelchair-ridden body]

Stan

[after a pause, apparently not upset at his son] Something on your mind, champ?

Hayley

Steve! What are you doing?

Steve

[suavely] Something we've wanted to do for years, "sis". [he proceeds to french-kiss her for five seconds while she struggles to get away to no avail]

Roger

[in shock of what he just witnessed] Oh. My. God. [now with a smile on his face] Everything that happens from this point on is just gravy.

S1 E14 Stannie Get Your Gun

View quote →

Francine

Look at you two. Who would've thought guns would bring you so close together?

Stan

I know. If only we could get some guns to the Middle East.

S1 E14 Stannie Get Your Gun

View quote →

Stan

This is great! We've gotta go back on tour and spread the word. Guns are good!