[goes upstairs to the attic] Hi, ALF.
Don't you believe in knocking?
Well, what if you caught me at an awkward moment?
Let's just be grateful that that hasn't happened.
So to what do I owe the pleasure of your company?
Oh, I was just, uh. I was looking around for some other things that Neal might be able to use in his new apartment. Yeah.
Well, I was planning on using them. Someday. When I got married.
If the day ever comes that you get married. I promise you, I'll buy you a whole new set of saucepans. And I'll dance on them.
It could happen. Look at Anne Bancroft and Mel Brooks. He could have anybody he wants. No, not that. You can't give him that.
Well, ALF, this is just an old fan.
It's not just any old fan. I use it to scrape my calluses.
Well, if you see anything else you like, by all means, take it.
Neal is getting his own apartment now, ALF. Hopefully things will be returning to normal here. I should think that would make you happy.
[offscreen] Willie, you up there?
I mean, yeah. Under the bed.
Okay, I will. And I won't let this degrade me at all, in case you're worried. [hides under the bed]
[arrives at the attic] Morning, Willie. I thought I heard you up here.
Yeah, yeah. I was just looking for some more stuff for your new apartment.
What, are you taking in boarders now?
Oh, that bed is Brian's old bed. You know how attached kids can get to their old furniture. Especially after they wet it.
Well, it's nice to know you've stuck to the old values. Oh, hey, I could really use this, Willie. [picks up a tape recorder as hears ALF's hiccups but Willie takes the tape recorder away from him]
The speed's all off. You don't want that.
Oh, hey, it's your old Clairmont High yearbook.
Yeah. I know. Let's look at it later.
You know, that's where I first met Margaret. Future Farmers.
Boy, that gal could really take down a steer.
Funny what first attracts you to a woman. Let's, uh. Let's go look in the garage, eh?
Willie, you gotta stop sometime. I only have a 1-bedroom apartment. [he and Willie go downstairs with a box]
[gets up from under the bed] If he wasn't the brother of my meal ticket, I'd clean his clock!
[gets out of the kitchen and meets Neal] Sorry. [Kate feels shocked] You must be Neal. I'm Gordon Shumway. Did I kill him?
Oh, my God, you're for real.
Yeah, yeah, let's get past this. I'm an alien and you're not.
Wow. This is gonna take some time to sink in.
Well, while you're in a daze, let me show you where your brother keeps his band saw.
I'm being insulted by an alien from space.
Not without dinner and a show.
I have a million questions I wanna ask you.
I'm sure. Keep them to yourself, huh? Now, enough of this small talk. Let's get down to business. I understand you're quite the cook.
Do you eat like earthlings?
Do I eat like earthlings? Willie, tell him.
He eats. He doesn't chew.
I don't know what to say. This is the most exciting thing that's ever happened to me.
Kate's right. Get a life.
Well, he may as well know. I mean, we're all family now.
[at the end, ALF and Neal are playing chess]
So in other words, what you're saying is, except for having 8 stomachs you're really not special in any way.
Oh, gee, thanks. Hey, are you gonna play, or are you gonna jabber on all night?
Well, I thought you said this pointy guy could only move diagonally.
Did I say that? Well, what I meant was it can only move diagonally, except when the move follows the taking of an odd number of the opponent's men from the board.
You sure you've never played this game before?
No, this is my first time.
Good. Let's play for money. Gin. You owe me 1500 bucks.
[Neal makes another moves one of the chess pieces as the episode ends]
[comes in the kitchen] Kate, I have some very bad news.
I found a cat outside by a fence. He's dead?
That was the bad news. Thank you for your concern.
Well honey, what happened?
Well, he must've died in his sleep. Apparently he was a lot older than the vet said he was. I wrapped him in a towel and put him in the garage.
[after Lucky died] The Luck-meister is dead! This is indeed a very dark day for anyone who knew him, or chased him. Is the crock pot still under the sink?
[the Tanners are outside the backyard having Lucky's funeral]
[praying for Lucky] Please take care of Lucky and let him be happy. Tell him we miss him. Amen.
Lynn, that was indeed beautiful. I'm reminded of a prayer he used to recite every night before bed: "And if I die before I wake, chicken fry me like a steak."
Hey, they were his words!
Life is eternal and, love is immortal and death is but a horizon. [ALF blows his nose] What we return to the Earth, we receive back...tenfold. Tragic. A tragic waste.
Wouldn't you like to say something, Bri?
Honey. It might make you feel better if you say goodbye to him.
Brian, it's okay if you don't wanna say anything, you don't have to.
There's nothing I wanna say.
Come on, Bri. Let's go inside. [she and Brian leave]
[after Kate and Brian left] Funeral poopers!
Don't you have any respect for people's feelings?
Well, excuse me. But where I'm from, this is ludicrous. It's like having a funeral for a hamburger.
Why don't you just, go inside with them.
Why? I thought I'd help you bury the little patty melt.
Not a chance. I'm gonna bury him in an undisclosed place.
Well, can I at least put something in there with him?
Oh, yeah, sure. Go ahead. Just hurry up.
This was Lucky's favorite toy. He loved the sound the little metal bell made. It wasn't exactly the deepest cat in the world. [jiggles to Lucky's toy]
I'm sure that Lucky will treasure this.
This would go well with a full-bodied Chianti.
[checks the window revealing it's Neal] What on earth? [opens the door]
[arrives at the Tanner's house wearing a toga] Hi, Willie. Hi, everyone. Hi, ALF. Happy anniversary.
Hi, Uncle Neal. Why are you dressed like a bed?
ALF said it was a toga party.
Shoot! That was the call I was supposed to make.
I'll, uh, I'll get you something to put on.
Or we could all wear sheets! [chanting] Lynn? To-ga! To-ga! To-ga!
[chanting] Fat chance! Fat chance! Fat chance!
I heard that. He's upset because Kate went to the airport to pick up her mother, and he's afraid that she's gonna spoil his party.
Oh. What brings Dorothy to town?
Oh, she and Whizzer had another fight. She flew out by herself.
Aw, that's a shame. Another marriage flapping in shallow water. That's how I felt when Margaret dumped me.
Oh great. My party's turning into a suicide watch.
[checks the window revealing it's Whizzer] Well, it's Whizzer! [opens the door] Whizzer!
WWhizzer
[arrives at the Tanner's house house] Hi, Willie. Is Dorothy here?
No, Kate just went to pick her up at the airport.
WWhizzer
I must have just missed them. Hi, Neal. Hi, Lynn.
WWhizzer
I guess you heard.
About your fight with Dorothy?
WWhizzer
The woman is impossible. Nothing I do seems to please her. I'm telling you, this thing has got me so worked up I don't know what to do anymore. I would have called, but, I've been a bundle of raw nerves ever since the argument. It's all I can do, is to keep myself from losing it altogether. I need a beer. [he leaves the living room to go to the kitchen]
[stops Whizzer from going to the kitchen] No!
WWhizzer
Relax! I'll leave a buck on the counter, you cheapskate! Oh, I'm sorry. See what I mean? [he goes to the kitchen]
[Whizzer screams as he sees ALF in the kitchen, much to his horror]
[pretending that he's a dog] Arf, arf. Would you believe "meow?"
[Willie, Lynn, and Neal go to the kitchen to check on Whizzer after ALF scared him]
[Whizzer is icing his head and still a bit surprised about ALF]
How's your headache, Whizzer?
WWhizzer
It's getting better. You know, I always thought that "hitting the ceiling" was just an expression. Does he, uh, levitate, or cure people by touching them, or anything?
You kidding? Can't even make his own bed.
I can so! I just don't want to.
WWhizzer
You know, I've played a lot of clubs over the year, but, uh you're the third strangest things I've ever seen.
Really? Does that include Kate?
[comes out of the kitchen with a cup of water] Here you go, Whizzer. Drink this. Your pupils are dilating nicely.
WWhizzer
Thank you. So, ALF, uh. What have you done since you got here?
Well, I, uh, uh, w.. I, uh. Uh, Willie?
Oh, well, he, he eats a lot. Have I left anything out, ALF?
WWhizzer
This is incredible. First, my wife leaves me then I meet an alien. How many people can say that?
[on the phone] Yes, I'm canceling that appointment. Well, I don't feel that I have any use for a home flotation tank. I suppose I do sound like I could use one. Goodbye. [hangs up the phone]
ALF, are you sure that's all the appointments you set up?
Yeah, yeah. You know you just blew our shot at winning the round trip on the Fun Bus to Vegas?
If I told you once, I told you a thousand times. You're not to invite salesmen into the house!
Well, it is funny how that hasn't sunk in yet. Why do you suppose that is?
Because you don't listen.
Should I assume the position?
Go to the attic until we decide what to do with you.
No? What do you mean, no?
I mean I'm not going. What do you think about that?
As long as you're living under this roof, you'll do what we tell you to do!
Well, in that case, I'm out of here. I'm hitting the bricks. I'm history, I'm vapor.
Yeah, sure. We've heard that before.
Yeah. Well, not another day under tyranny's heavy thumb. Goodbye, Willie. Goodbye, Kate. Goodbye, children. I think I shall miss you most of all. [leaves]
Yeah. Okay, go. We'll warn you just before the automatic sprinklers go on.
Don't bother. This time I mean it.
If there's one thing that alien has learned in his time on Earth it's how to make an exit.
[voiceover from outside, after leaving the Tanners] Oh, Lordie, Lordie. I'm free at last!
[ALF moves to Neal's apartment after he left the Tanners]
And this was my grandmother's snowstorm paperweight. See, when you shake it, it snows.
Whoa. So she left you the bulk of her estate, huh? [he drops the snowglobe much to Neal's shock] That was an accident. I swear. I was nowhere near it.
Um....that's okay, ALF. I still have the box it came in. These things happen.
Really? What else you got?
Willie sounded awfully mad on the phone. What did you two fight about?
What's it always about? I just invited some people over to talk about timeshare living in New Mexico.
Ooh, timeshares. Did they bring pamphlets?
Yeah. They were like Jehovah's Witnesses, only with prizes.
ALF, I'm awfully glad you're here. I was hoping I'd get a chance to talk to you about your amazing life.
Well, what do you wanna know?
Well, how far away was Melmac?
Well, that's a toughie. In feet? Pretty far, I guess.
Well, what solar system is it in?
I don't know. This may be a good time to tell you I was a P.E. major.
[doorbell rings]
[from outside] 'It's me, Willie.'
Oh, great. The fun police have arrived.
[doorbells outside of Neal's apartment to pick up ALF] It's me, Willie.
Oh, great. The fun police have arrived.
[opens the door] Hey, Willie. You didn't have to come rushing over.
I can't believe you'd run off like that. You know how worried we were? Neal, I'm sorry to burden you with our burden.
Well, that's alright. Actually, we were having a good time. He's a pretty fun guy.
Then you should see me in a dress. In a white wig I look exactly like Estelle Getty. I guess that's pretty obvious, though, huh?
Come on, ALF, let's go. You're still not off the hook.
Well, that's ridiculous. I never touched him.
But you want to, don't you? Huh? Huh? Huh?
You know, Willie, it might not be so bad if you let ALF stay with me for a while. Give us a chance to get to know each other and Lord knows you two can use some time apart.
I guess I could talk Kate into it. But, uh, you're gonna need a reliable fire extinguisher and fresh batteries for your smoke detector. You gotta put 911 on speed dialing. Trust me, you'll need the time. Make out your will and other than that, hey, have fun.
Lordy, lordy, I'm free at last. Don't hate me. [he leaves as ALF gets shocked]
[arrives at his apartment and confronts ALF for all the mess he has done] Hi, ALF.
Oh, ALF. I thought you were gonna clean up.
I did. Nice of you to notice. That beer-can pyramid? Gone.
Did you call the electrician about Apartment 16?
You were serious about that? I thought you were kidding.
Why would I be kidding about an electrician?
I don't know. It didn't seem very funny to me, either. I'll do it tomorrow. Look, ALF, I don't wanna sound insensitive but it has been a week and I thought we agreed that while you were here you'd help out. Well, I'm following the spirit of that agreement. [yawns] Now I need a nap.
[the doorbell rings]
Quick, uh, go to the bathroom.
Okay. Now what? Oh, chill out. I knew what you meant. [leaves]
[opens the door] Mrs. Watson. How are you today? How's every little thing?
WMrs. Watson
Hello, Mr. Tanner. May I come in?
WMrs. Watson
I guess I could reprimand you in the hall.
WMrs. Watson
Thank you. Look at this place.
I don't have an answer for that. I wish I did.
WMrs. Watson
We've had a lot of complaints about you from the other tenants. You have? I'm afraid so. But I told them, he's new, he's down on his luck his wife threw him out, and he's a little pathetic.
Well, thank you. I appreciate your kind words.
WMrs. Watson
I hired you because I felt sorry for you. But even so, sinks have to flow, toilets have to flush. That's the way the world works.
Well, there's a lovely simple wisdom in that Mrs. Watson. And I promise I'll do better. Please, just remember why you hired me in the 1st place.
WMrs. Watson
Don't test me, Mr. Tanner. Being pathetic will only get you so far in life. [she leaves Neal's apartment]
Don't worry about her. We're gonna get through this together.
What, do you think you can get to some of those phone calls?
Don't test me, Mr. Tanner. Oh, lighten up, Neal. [laughs as Neal starts to ignore him]
