[Larry comes to visit the Tanners]
Well, what's your professional opinion?
But you don't think there's any underlying psychological reason?
Well, he's a very intelligent being. I mean, he needs to be challenged.
He has the computer. I've bought him dozens of books, video tapes.
He has plenty to do. The problem is he wants to be in the middle of whatever we're doing.
It's easy to forget, you know, that he's an adult and he wants to be treated like one.
Well, you could, talk to him, tell him your feelings ask for advice, his opinion, and do it at dinner. It'll work wonders.
[while cutting the bread] And he's just gotten completely carried away with this therapy thing.
You know ALF, he gets carried away with everything he does. What motivated you to let it go this far?
Oh, stop it, Larry. I've had enough of this all week. Just fix it.
Yeah, you know what they say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.
In ALF's hands, foam rubber is a dangerous thing.
Do you think you can help?
Trust me. I'm a professional.
The last time someone said that to me, I ended up with purple hair.
Did you get my breath mints?
Oh, I'm sorry, ALF. I forgot.
Okay, but you're the one who has to live with it. [exhales]
I'll run down to the 7-Eleven.
[arrives at the kitchen while carrying Eric] Honey, did you get any more cotton swabs? The tips are missing from all of these and I can't help but feel you probably know something about this.
Is that the best you can come up with?
I've got 'em, dad. Here, ALF. At least we remembered your cotton balls.
What are you doing with all this cotton?
I've been experimenting with some new menu ideas.
You mean you're eating it?
Yeah, I also tried attic insulation but it left me feeling bloated and unattractive.
[looking at the cotton] But the cotton. Ah, the cotton! All the flavor of a fine polyester with none of the unpleasant aftertaste. [eats the cotton] Mmmm.
[ALF is siting in front of a TV that is turned off and laughing hysterically from all the cotton he ate while Willie and Kate go to the living room to check on him to see what he is doing]
Oh, yeah. Yeah, just a second, Kate. [he continues laughing]
ALF, are you aware that that television isn't on?
ALF. I wasn't watching TV.
Well, what are you laughing at, then?
Son of a gun, I don't remember. Was I laughing?
Hey! What say we get naked and do some chanting? Well, look at that. I'm halfway there! [laughs]
Say, ALF, uh, do you ever think that all this cotton you're eating could be affecting your moods?
Don't you think you should cut down?
Why? What have you got against cotton? Y'all Yankees? [laughs]
I think you should cut down, ALF! Uh, here, let me help. [ALF tries to grab the cotton box but Willie takes it away from him] ALF. ALF! Let me have this. I'll ration it out for you.
Alright, but now those Cheech and Chong movies are gonna lose some of their poignancy.
[Kate and Willie wake up as they hear ALF sing in the middle of the night]
[voiceover] New York! Hey, thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I'm announcing my retirement. Good night, and I love you. New York!
No. I was just thinking how Sinatra's voice has slipped over the years.
[while ALF is outside humming to "New York, New York", Kate and Willie wake up]
I don't suppose we were having the same dream.
I don't know. How were your seats?
[voiceover] Now just the women sing! [continues singing] Thank you! Thank you very much! It's good to be back. [continues singing until Willie, Kate, and Lynn come to stop him]
Liza! Sammy! Dino! Hey! Why don't we all tour together?
I thought I told you no more cotton.
I know what you're thinking. And you're worried about our supply. But this book here says there's this land called Alabama where cotton practically grows on trees.
ALF, it's almost 2:00 in the morning, okay?
Thanks. Last call. Here. [picks up a ripped pillow] Everybody rip off a piece and pass it around.
We're not eating any pillow.
Then how do you intend to stay awake for our drive to Alabama, huh?
Nobody's going to Alabama!
This is really gonna bum out the band.
We are all gonna go back to sleep. [angrily] You're gonna stop singing and send the band home.
Okay. But I never got treated like this at the golden nugget. [he continues singing]
[ALF ate another cotton he found on the table]
[after he saw ALF ate a cotton] I saw that. I saw you take that cotton.
That's enough of that. I saw you take that cotton with my own eyes.
[yelling] I don't have to take this! Now, I may be small, but I'm scrappy. Come on! Who wants a piece? [tired] Oh. [sings] Da da da da da, Da da da da da.
Admit it, ALF. You have a cotton problem.
We only want to help you.
Then stop trying to make me feel guilty. Now, I say we go into the living room and dance! Who's with me? [Lynn, Willie, and Kate ignore him] I know what you're thinking. He doesn't have the guts to dance alone. Ha! Well, that's where you're wrong. I'm doing it! I'm dancing alone! And there's no music! [leaves the kitchen but comes back in tired] Oh.. Just for the sake of argument suppose I do have a problem?
[the family discovers that ALF ate cotton from the lint screen in the clothes dryer]
[loudly] HALLELUJAH! THE MOTHER LODE!
Willie, he's got the lint screen.
ALF, give me the lint screen.
[loudly] Yeah? COME AND GET IT!
I think it's time we make that call.
[ALF hisses]
While you're at it, see if you can get me a stun gun.
[Willie comes in the kitchen and confronts ALF for all the people he invited to the house]
Willie! Don't you know how to knock?
You were going to eat that dish towel, weren't you?
This? I was just smelling it. Hoping for a contact high. [smells the towel]
ALF, they want to know why I smoke.
I want to help you, ALF, I really, really do. But you have to want to get better, too. Now, seriously why do you think you need to eat cotton?
But surely you can't be happy like this.
You're right, I'm not! I'm a wreck! Willie, I've got a monkey on my back! It's a mean monkey and it's hassling all the tourists for money! Make him go!
HHoward
[voiceover] Willie?
Well, I hate for you to see me like this. Is my mascara running?
Okay. Okay, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna try to steer the conversation around to something that you can relate to. But this time, you have to listen. You understand?
Alright, alright. [Willie leaves the kitchen] Hey. Reformed smokers are the worst.
[goes to the kitchen to have a private conversation with ALF] What is it, ALF?
I don't know. Help me, Willie. I'm scared.
Don't be afraid, ALF. Look, you want to eat cotton. Now, why? What's the reason? Think.
Please, just one bite of your pants down by the cuff. I'm begging!
No, no, you don't want that.
For once I wish people would stop telling me what I want! How do you know what I want? I want- I wanna go outside. I wanna see someone who looks like me. I'm lonely, Willie. I want to go home!
I understand, ALF. I, I, I understand.
HHoward
[voiceover] Willie?
I, I gotta go talk to Howard.
I.. Please. I won't. I-I won't leave you. I'll be there in a minute, Howard!
I miss Saturday night aphid chews. I miss my friends. Especially Rhonda. I remember one night after harness racing she was helping me out of my bridle.
I had no idea. ALF, you always joke about Melmac. Well, it wasn't the most together planet.
But still. How'd you like to be the only member of your species?
Sometimes I feel like I am.
But you have a family, Willie. When you're, talking with little Eric talking that baby talk. You look so, so, so ridiculous. It makes me realize I'm never gonna be able to look half that ridiculous with a little one of my own.
You can be ridiculous with our family anytime you want. And you are.
Ah, just not the same. There's a bond that you have that I never will.
[at the end, ALF is having a nightmare about the family singing and dancing to "New York, New York" Ray Conniff style with tuxedos, batons, top hats and tails, he yells as he wakes up from his nightmare]
[as he runs up to ALF] ALF, were you having that dream again?
Yeah. Being clean and sobor's gonna be a lot harder than I thought. Oh. [he tries to sing "New York, New York" again but he and Lynn feel tired as the episode ends]
[goes to the attic and reads a sign ALF wrote] Nice touch.
Subtle, but it makes a point.
I can understand your feelings, ALF. I can also understand your dilemma. What I can't understand is this note.
It's in English. What don't you understand?
[reading a note that ALF wrote] "Dear Neal, take some advice from a guy who loves you like a brother. There's a camper leaving town at noon either be in it or under it. Love, Anonymous."
I love when you read to me.
You left this on the kitchen table hoping that Neal would see it and think it was from me, didn't you?
Let him draw his own conclusions. I didn't say it was from his brother. Clever, yes?
If my brother wants to visit here for a while he's welcome, ALF.
Fine. But if you were more forceful and less sympathetic to freeloaders perhaps he'd get the hint.
I'm ending this conversation now. But before I go, I'd like you to imagine what my being less sympathetic to freeloaders might mean to the fate of another member of this household.
He's right. Kate would have been history a long time ago.
[burps while having breakfast with Lynn and Brian] Yeah. You know, if you eat fast, you could eat more.
Yeah. It also adds to the ambience.
[as she sees Willie arriving at the kitchen] Good morning, dad.
Good morning, Lynn, Brian, ALF. ALF, what are you doing down here?
Finishing oatmeal with clams.
Well, go back upstairs. Neal could come in here any minute.
I don't think so. He's gone.
Gone? What do you mean gone?
Relax, I don't mean dead.
I saw his boxer shorts drive by my window.
Kate, Neal drove off in his camper early this morning.
Well, I'll just mosey on off to the television area if no one minds.
[stops ALF] Hold it. I want you to look me in the eye and tell me you didn't write him another note.
I didn't write him another note. [pause] Uh, pay no attention to my ears.
I told you this was none of your concern, didn't I? [angrily] Didn't I make it perfectly clear you were to stay out of this?
Obviously not clear enough.
What exactly did this note say, ALF?
Well, I seem to recall, and I'm paraphrasing now. Amscray, wearing out your welcome. Oh, and deadbeat. Sincerely yours, William Tanner.
Well, you got mad when I signed the first one anonymous. Is there no pleasing you?
[on the phone as the episode ends] Yeah, thanks, operator. Hello, Marshall Ludwig? Oh, hi, Marshall. Uh, you don't know me but, uh, I'm about to make you a very happy man.
[comes out of the kitchen while the family is having dinner] Huh. Well, here's an expression I'm not often called on to use. ALF, your dinner's getting cold.
[comes to the dining room, singing] Uncle Neal has gone away, Doo-da doo-da, I can eat out here today, All doo-day long, Everybody! Gonna eat all day-
[interrupts ALF's song] ALF, I really don't appreciate that at all.
Okay. Then you wanna hear how I changed the words to "Helter Skelter"?
I'm gonna miss him. It was fun having Uncle Neal around.
Hmm. Well, he's just down the street. You can go visit him. I know he's really lonely since Margaret left him.
Hey, he had a bad marriage. Who hasn't, right, Willie?
What's Uncle Neal's new apartment like?
Much too close to this house.
It's nice. It's small but at least he has more room than he had in the camper.
I thought the camper was neat. It had a toilet right in the shower.
So do we. Oh, what? Like you've never done it?
