[ALF refuses to leave the Tanners]
You wanted to say goodbye. I think you should say it now.
I changed my mind. I'm not leaving! And you can't make me! [Bob snaps his fingers back to heaven] I stand corrected.
Well, have it your way. It's a mere formality, anyway.
Well, forget it. I'm not going. I know my rights. Get me a lawyer.
This is heaven. There are no lawyers here.
Prepare to enter your new life.
No! No! Wait! Wait! This whole thing is a mistake.
The deal is off! The deal is off! The deal is off! [he wakes up from his dream to find that he had simply been unconscious for the past few hours] The deal is off! The deal is off.
[walks up to ALF] ALF. ALF! Can, can you hear me?
Auntie Em? Auntie Em? Is that you? Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.
It's Kate. It's Kate. Are you alright?
Well, I think so. Aah! Ow!
Oh, Brian, Kate, Kate, Lynn! Willie! Willie, I'm back! Bob sent me back!
My guardian angel. See, I wished I never crashed into your garage. So, Bob took me away from you. And Willie smoked a pipe.
ALF, you were just dreaming.
We found you in the backyard. You were unconscious. You were sucking muck.
Yeah, you must have knocked yourself out with the croquet mallet.
I'm sorry I yelled at you, ALF. We were really worried. We thought you might have.
Well, you know I kicked the bucket?
ALF, I couldn't imagine what life would be like without you.
Believe me, you don't want to know. By the way, do we have a pool?
It doesn't matter. I'm home now. The Maserati's probably not happening either, right?
Are you sure you're alright?
Hey, what could be wrong? I'm here with my Tanners. Everything's back to normal, just the way I like it. A gift for you, Willie, from the bottom of my heart. [glass shattering] Don't thank me.
[at the end, Willie is dressed in a suit for the night while ALF is having a random phone call]
Are you almost ready, dear?
[offscreen] I'll be right out!
[on the phone] Hello? Bloomingdale's Perfume Department. Yeah, I have your next tremendous seller here. This stuff will be on the nape of every female neck in the nation. [Kate screams] Hold on a second.
[as there is perfume stuck on her skin] What do you know about this?
I notice it doesn't absorb very well.
Smells like radiator fluid.
Hello? Could you transfer me to your Automotive Department?
[Kate and Willie feel shocked as ALF makes another phone call as the episode ends]
Ooh, ham and eggs! Thanks, Kate.
Oh, no, ALF, these are for everyone.
Actually, I'm in the mood for oatmeal.
I think I'm gonna get something at work.
I'm gonna have to change my shirt.
[as he hears a knock on the door] Who is it?
[from outside] It's me Jake.
Joy. That's twice my appetite's been killed.
Hey, morning, Jake kiboody. What brings you over?
Aunt Raquel and uncle Trevor have been fighting again.
What was it about this time? Allow me. Raquel thinks Trevor's a slob, That he doesn't appreciate her, and some other female paranoia nonsense. [the Tanners glare at him] Hey, you crawl under people's houses, you hear things.
Hey Jake. Would you like to join us for breakfast?
[from outside] Hey, Tanners, it's me!
Oh, great. Pig outus interruptus.
Oh, come on in, Trevor. Well, what's up?
Eh, nothing much, and even if there was, I'm not the kind of guy that would burden you with my problems. Raquel just threw me out.
Somehow she got the ridiculous idea that she doesn't love me anymore.
So, are you, uh, looking for a place to stay, Trevor? [ALF hits him with a fork] Ow! Leg cramp.
I don't know where I'm gonna stay. Do you know anybody that would kindly put me up for the night?
Well. [ALF hits him with a fork again] Ow!
[she kicks ALF from under the table] You can stay here, Trevor.
Oh, well, thanks. I'll be right back. Come on, Jake. Help me pick my clothes off the lawn.
[after he gets up from under the table] Where does that freeloading sloth get off crashing our party?
I don't know, ALF. Why don't you have a sloth-to-sloth talk with him?
[comes in, angrily] THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR HUMILIATING ME IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD!
What do you mean, Raquel?
Calling everybody about Trevor and me. JUST BECAUSE I OCCASIONALLY MAKE OTHER PEOPLE'S BUSINESS MY BUSINESS DOESN'T MEAN MY BUSINESS IS ANY OF THEIR BUSINESS, SO WOULD YOU MIND MINDING YOUR OWN BUSINESS?
Well, I certainly didn't tell anyone. I know Kate wouldn't tell anyone. You didn't tell anyone, did you, Kate?
Well, somebody told the Metcalfs, the Polmanskis, the Montenegros, the Gans, the Luskatuffs, the Metzgers, the Fetzgers, the Schmitkys, the Kipkys, the Feins, the Steins, the Limbecks, the Willards, the Hogans, the Logans, and the Kogans. SO THE NEXT TIME THAT YOU WANT TO DRAG SOMEBODY'S DIRTY LAUNDRY THROUGH THE SUBURBAN MUD, TRY YOUR OWN. OR BETTER YET, MRS. HOLBUTS. SHE JUST HAD A NOSE JOB, YOU KNOW. [furiously leaves the house]
[Willie comes in the garage and confronts ALF for calling the neighborhood about Trevor and Raquel]
Do these names ring a bell? The Metcalfs, the Polmanskis, the Montenegros, the Gans, the Luskatuffs, the Metzgers, the Fetzgers, the Schmitkys, the Kipkys, the Feins, the Steins, the Limbecks, the Willards, the Hogans, the Logans, and the Kogans?
Before I pull every hair out of your neck, I want to ask you something. Did you call those people and tell them about Trevor and Raquel?
I decline to answer on the grounds that I need my neck hair.
[angrily] YOU JUST MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS, ALF!
In other words, you disapprove of what I've done.
Wholeheartedly. I know that this is an inconvenience for all of us, but what you're doing is just making things worse.
You're right, Willie. How could I have been so blind? You know, I've only been thinking of myself.
You're not just saying this because of that neck hair business?
No, no, I mean it. I've seen the error of my ways and will Endeavor to do better.
No. Thank you, Willie. Thank you. [he and Willie look at each other for a few seconds before Willie goes out, then he uses the phone to call another number] Hello? I would like to order flowers for Raquel Ochmonek.
Willie, did you know that there are 9,875 little dots on this ceiling?
[as he is knocking on the door from outside] Hey, Tanner, you in there?
Uh, yeah. Just a second. [he snaps his fingers]
I've had it. I've had it. I refuse to budge 1 inch. [Willie covers him with a big box] Aah! I suppose you think you're clever.
What's the idea sending these flowers to my wife?
Oh, what's the matter, Trevor?
Don't play innocent with me. You thought by not sending a card, I wouldn't know who they were from.
Well, wait a minute. If there was no card, what makes you think they were from me?
I called the florist. He said they were charged to your credit card. Anybody who would spend $79.95 on another man's wife, plus tax and delivery, is looking for trouble!
There must be some mistake.
Hey, Tanner, the only mistake I made was trusting you. If I ever catch you near my wife again, I'm moving out of your house.
Is there a chance that you heard any of that?
Well, I've heard enough. Does Kate know you have a thing for Raquel?
You sent those flowers, didn't you?
Hey, I took a shot. It obviously didn't work, but I've got another plan that's foolproof.
[angrily] Stay out of this! Entire- [in a calm voice as Jake comes in] I'm just going now. I'm going to try and straighten things out with Trevor, and when I come back, we'll be talking neck hair. [leaves the garage]
We gotta find a way to get my aunt and uncle back together.
Too late, Jake. I can't help ya. I promised Willie I'd stay out of it.
Fine. Fine. Just stand on the sidelines And watch me be packed off To live with another bunch of itinerant Ochmoneks, never to be heard from again. Believe it or not, Aunt Raquel and Uncle Trevor are the best of the lot.
Are you trying to con me into helping you?
What'll it take to put you over the top?
You come up with donuts, I'll come up with the idea. That's the deal.
[as he leaves the bedroom] Yo what?
What is it? It's a crumpled piece of paper with writing on it.
That's the poem that your uncle Trevor wrote to me last year When we renewed our wedding vows.
Oh, uh, read it, aunt Raquel.
[while reading the poem] To Raquel, the most wonderful woman in the world. You're the meaning of my life. You're the inspiration. You bring meaning to my life. You're the inspiration. I want to have you near me. I want to have you hear me saying, No one needs you more than I need you.
You threw that away? Don't you know how long it took me to write that? You didn't write that.
It's from a song by Chicago.
I mean it took me a long time to write it down.
Do you think I'm stupid, Trevor? I knew you didn't write this poem.
Why didn't you call me on it? Because it didn't matter.
What mattered was, is that you gave it to me!
Raquel, I meant every word I stole. I'm sorry. I'm just trying to tell you that I still love you, Raquel.
More than arena football?
I should know better than to try to change you.
Take me back, Raquel, hmm? I promise I'll try not to be a slob. Although in all fairness, you did know I was raised in a barn. [he and Raquel kiss each other and sit on the bed]
[ALF hears a strange noise from under the bed]
What was that? [Stomping.]
Ah! Leg cramp! Uh, why don't we all go get uncle Trevor's stuff?
Good idea! Raquel, I'll carry the moose head. [gets up]
Thank you. Thank you. For those of you who don't know me, I'm ALF. The answer to the burning question who's the only NBC star with more hair than Michael Landon? Yo, Ed. Nice to see ya.
Oh, welcome to "The Tonight Show", ALF.
Ed was missing last week. So the cops put his picture on a 6 pack of Budweiser. [laughs] Also with us tonight is Mr. Tommy Newsom.
After the show tonight, Tommy and I are gonna go out and paint the town beige.
TTommy
I got a brush right here.
Good one, Tom! You hang on to that. Tommy's not dull. He was just weaned on Novocain. Well, I'm glad all of you can get in 'cause it sure was hot out there today.
AAudience
How hot was it?
What am I, a thermometer? Hey, we have a fabulous show for you tonight. We've got Joan Embery, Joyce Brothers and a Pope. So stay tuned, we'll be right back.
Nice going, ALF. You're 2 for 2. Why don't you get the Pope out here and try for a shutout?
Ha! Good one Driver's Ed! Ha! [knocks over Johnny's mug]
Ooh! You broke Johnny's cup!
Hey, that's nothing. You should see what I did to his dressing room.
I'd like to thank my guests Joyce, Joan and, of course, Pope. Johnny, sorry about your cup and your dressing room. And the limo. Did I say limo? That wasn't me, just the first two. Good night, everybody! How'd he get those whites so white?
[she heads in the house after her date ended] ALF, you scared me. What are you doing?
What am I doing? What are you doing? What happened to Randy?
That wasn't Randy, that was someone else.
Yeah. Someone who looks like a certain aging substitute novelist. Who shall remain last-nameless.
Ok, so it was Eddie. He just happened to be at the party, see--
Yeah, yeah, and I just fell off the garbanzo truck. Come on. This is the old ALFer. What gives?
Okay, I haven't really been dating Randy. I've only been tutoring him for an hour in English each night and then going to meet Eddie.
An hour a night? That's barely enough time for Randy to turn his book right side up.
ALF, please, don't tell mom and dad about this yet, ok? I know they'll like Eddie.
They just need some time to adjust. Don't tell them? You want me to lie?
No! No, you don't have to lie. Just don't bring it up. That's not lying.
It's not like I'm never going to tell them. I just, I need to wait for the right moment. You know, like when they're in a really, really good mood.
Yeah, well, let me know when that happens. And I'll tell them about the untimely demise of Kate's porcelain ballerina.
You broke mom's porcelain ballerina?
Yeah. We were dancing the pas de duex from swan lake, and I dropped her in the toilet.
[dressed as bellhop and goes to Lynn's room] Miss Lynn Tanner. Paging Miss Lynn Tanner.
I've just gotta get a message to ya.
I don't want any messages from you.
It's not from me. I'm just the bellhop. [Lynn opens the door] It's from a friend of yours. It's not what you think. I'm really not a fink. You're the last person I'd hurt. I didn't mean to blurt, it out.
I've got a message for my so-called friend. Friends don't rat on friends!
