Oh, howdy, Raquel.
[Raquel screams which causes ALF to close the door, a few seconds later, ALF and Raquel look at each other and scream together]
S2 E3Take a Look at Me Now
[running inside the house and hides in the closet] Red alert! Red alert! Alien coming through!
What was ALF running for?
[inside the closet] Occupied!
Oh, I'm sorry.
ALF knows that's not a bathroom, doesn't he?
I hope so.
ALF. ALF! Say, ALF, what's going on?
[doorbell rings]
[inside the closet] Get the front door, Willie. It may be self evident.
Kate, Willie! It was horrifying, simply horrifying! It had a long and two big.
Raquel, please don't do this. She's imagining things.
I'm not imaging things! There's a monster loose in the neighborhood.
A monster?
Are you going to form an angry mob?
I saw it in your backyard. I could swear I've seen it once before.
What did this monster look like?
Uh, like bigfoot. Only little. It ran behind your garage. It might still be there.
Maybe we should go have a look.
Good! But you go first.
Raquel, I'm sure there's nothing out there.
Fine! You just tell that to it!
Will you tell it that I would like to speak to him.
[Lynn opens the door]
Bigfoot? She's one to talk. I could shoot the rapids in one of her gunboats.
Could you stop pacing, please?
Hey, I pace when I'm bored. I've been under house arrest for over a month.
It's been 2 days ALF.
Really? Then why did I carve 30 notches on the banister?
Because you're a vandal.
S2 E4Wedding Bell Blues
[while putting on a costume on Brian for a school play] Hold still, Bri. I don't wanna stick you.
You look great, B. Sort of like the Pope's son.
I'm in a play at school. I'm Friar Tuck. One of Robin Hood's merry men.
No kidding. We had a Robin Hood on Melmac.
Did he take from the rich and give to the poor?
No, he just robbed the hoods off people's cars.
Honey, please. ALF, would you leave us alone?
Fine. I'll go bother Lynn. What's all this stuff?
It's a project for my sociology class. I'm putting together our family tree.
Who chopped it down? Was it me, again?
ALF, why don't you make a family tree?
Yeah, it's a fun way to remember your ancestors.
Well, I don't remember much.
My father was always breaking things, and my mother sat around eating all day.
It's amazing you turned out so well.
Thanks. But sometimes I do blow my nose on the wrong towel. [Kate and Lynn stare at ALF] What?
[Willie and Kate found out that ALF left the Tanners]
You want to get the coffee?
Sure.
I'll get the eggs. [sighs] Well, I see ALF's had his breakfast.
At least he didn't eat the tape recorder. [finds ALF's note] What is this?
Probably his grocery list.
Kate, listen. [reads ALF's note] "Dear Earth family, the depth of my shame is so great. I've decided to leave. Press play for further details." [he press play on ALF's tape as he hears opera playing] "That's my "Carmen" tape".
[singing on his tape and makes his announcement] "Yo, Tanners, it's me ALF. Hope you don't mind me recording over your Carmen tape."
No, no, your version is much better.
[on tape] "As you now know, I'm not there. I've decided to run away to a place where peace and tranquility allow for the contemplation of life's vicissitudes."
What does he know of life's vicissitudes? I still have to put up the toilet seat for him.
[on tape] "Perhaps 1 day when I can deal with my seedy lineage I will see you all again. Farewell. I love you all. Now back to more classical music." [sings opera until the tape is turned off]
Willie, where could he have gone?
Heaven only knows.
[doorbells and arrives at a monastery wearing Brian's costume] I hear you're looking for a few good monks.
[Willie is listening to ALF's recording]
[on tape] As you now know, I'm not there. I've run away to a place where peace and tranquility allow for the contemplation of life's vicissitudes.
[comes to the living room] Willie, I couldn't find him anywhere.
Well, where could a 3 foot, hairy alien go and not be conspicuous?
Steven Spielberg's house?
[Brian comes to the living room]
Any sign of him, Bri?
No. But my Friar Tuck costume is gone. Maybe he went to Sherwood Forest.
No, Bri. Sherwood Forest is in England. ALF only took enough food to get to Canada.
Why'd he run away?
Oh, it's hard to explain, Bri. Y-you'll understand when you're older.
How old?
Well, older than me. I'm still trying to figure it out.
Well?
[arrives home] Nothing. Where could he have gone?
Someplace where peace and tranquility allow for the contemplation of life's vicissitudes.
That sounds familiar.
Well, that's what he said on the tape.
No, no, uh, besides that. Wait a minute, ALF wanted me to send my allowance to a bunch of monks. Listen to this. [reads ALF's note] "Peace and tranquility, life's vicissitudes." It's from the Brothers of the Peaceful Dominion.
That's it! He's joined a monastery.
I'm sorry.
Face it, ALF, you're not monk material.
Well yes I am. I came with all the qualifications. Sloth, Greed, Gluttony.
Those are the Seven Deadly Sins.
I thought the Seven Deadly Sins were those guys from Snow White.
Those are the Seven Dwarfs.
We prefer to call them "little people".
Come on home, ALF. We miss you. Nobody cares about your past.
Well, gee, I don't know. Tonight's my turn to bang the dinner gong.
ALF.
Okay, you got a deal. You came all this way to get me. If you want me back so badly. You deserve me.
Oh, thanks, ALF.
Well, just give me a second to say goodbye to the bros, okay? Yo, I'm leaving! [the monks cheer] I thought this was a silent order.
S2 E5Prime Time
[Willie comes in the kitchen and turns off the TV ALF is watching]
Hey! I wanted to watch Crazy Steve tear a drumstick off that tarantula.
It's 3:00 in the morning, ALF.
What's time to a spider, Willie?
Why is the TV in here?
Because I couldn't move the refrigerator out there.
Don't touch that dial.
I love when you're assertive.
Go. Sleep. Now.
Can I just ask one bedtime question?
Yeah, what?
I saw Polka Jamboree tonight. It's really funny. Why does it get such crummy ratings?
For one thing, it's not supposed to be funny.
What's the other thing?
Nobody watches it.
Next question.
I thought there was gonna be 1 question here.
This is the bonus round. What happens to a show when it's ratings are bad?
It gets cancelled.
[gasps] You mean Polka Jamboree could be cancelled?
We can only hope. Good night, ALF.
Wait, wait. If more people watched Polka Jamboree, the rating would go up right?
Yes, but that would take a miracle.
Well miracle, huh? Well just call me the miracle worker.
S2 E6Some Enchanted Evening
Is this a pirate, or is this a pirate? Lynn?
It's a pirate, mom.
Willie?
Definitely a pirate.
[comes in wearing a costume] Good morning.
What are you wearing?
A touch of your aftershave.
I meant those silly glasses.
Silly glasses? Look who's talking. This is my Halloween costume.
What are you supposed to be?
Gene shalit. Too obscure?
You're not planning on trick-or-treating, are you?
Are you kidding? I can't wait. I'm coming back with a bag full of candy apples, popcorn balls, and cats.
ALF, no one's going to give you a cat.
That's right. You have to bob for cats.
[Brian dumps all the candy on the table]
Whoa! Yeah! Great haul, Brian!
Thanks.
I'll guard these. You get back in the house. The party's going to start soon.
I hate parties. Everyone pats me on the head, and says I'm growing up too fast.
Cut the small talk! Let's divide the loot! Okay, one for you, One for me. One for you. One for me. One for me. One for me.
[puts knife on the table] Not so fast, me Bucko!
You are growing up too fast! We'll do this right. One for me. One for you.
Somebody seems to have invited the Burkes, and also told all these people to wear costumes. I don't know who that was, or why he did it, But, I'm going to go into the garage and strangle him.
Hey, you look good in Vinyl. How are you doing? Nice to meet you. Happy Halloween everybody!
EEveryone
Happy Halloween!
Say, what are you doing here?
Greeting the guests. Hey, Tex! Looks like you're putting on weight there. [laughs]
Could I speak with you in the kitchen just for a moment?
Hey, not now Willie. Your pumpkin's on fire. Ha! His pumpkin is on fire!
Come here!
BBernice
Well, who is little this guy?
This is Gordon, everyone. Gordon's an old friend of our family. Bernice, don't mention his height. He's very sensitive.
Hey, cowgirl. Nice calves. Ha! Nice calves! [Willie takes him to the kitchen]
Okay, mister. I want the truth! And I want it now!
Alright. Your hair is thinning.
You got a hold of our guest list, didn't you. You called people and told them to wear costumes just so you could come.
You dragged me in here to tell me things I already know?
On top of that, you invited the Burkes.
Again, old news.
Just tell me why.
Because I really want you to get that promotion. Now get out there and start kissing up.
I'm not kissing up to anyone, especially not Walter Burke.
I know you wouldn't. That's why I'm here to do it for you. Oh Wollie!
No wait, wait. You can't go out there. What if they discover that you're an alien?
They won't. They'll think I'm wearing a costume, see?
Where did you get that zipper?
Well, you know your old jacket that you were gonna throw out?
Yeah.
Better hang on to it. I ripped this out of your new raincoat.
Alright, go on and go out there. I don't care. Go on, fine with me. Blow your cover, that's fine! Just do me one favor.
Ok, ok. I'll do my Elvis impression.
Please keep away from my boss.
No problem, he seems like a yuts anyway. Ok, everybody! Let's tear this place apart!
S2 E7Oh, Pretty Woman
[ALF is watching a beauty pageant on TV]
What are you watching?
I think it's a United Nations meeting.
That's not the United Nations. It's a beauty pageant.
Are you sure? A minute ago, they just asked the ambassador from Spain what she would do for world peace.
She's not the ambassador. She's a contestant.
Oh. Well that explains why the Swedish ambassador was juggling.
[comes in the kitchen] Hi, ALF.
Hi. Hey, Kate. Do you think I'm good looking?
Yeah, sure.
Well, if you were my age would you go out with me?
Well, if we your age and if I weren't married and if we were the same species, I guess so.
Yeah? Where would we go?
I don't know, how about a Rocky film?
Nah, he hasn't been funny since he broke up with Bullwinkle. What else you got?
That was it, ALF.
It doesn't sound like you put much thought into this date.
That's because I haven't.
Well, fine! Why don't we just forget the whole thing, okay?
Fine with me.
Fine. Probably wouldn't have worked out anyway. People would have just stared. [stares at himself with a mirror]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's ALF pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.