[Willie comes in the kitchen and confronts ALF for all the people he invited to the house]
Willie! Don't you know how to knock?
You were going to eat that dish towel, weren't you?
This? I was just smelling it. Hoping for a contact high. [smells the towel]
ALF, they want to know why I smoke.
I want to help you, ALF, I really, really do. But you have to want to get better, too. Now, seriously why do you think you need to eat cotton?
But surely you can't be happy like this.
You're right, I'm not! I'm a wreck! Willie, I've got a monkey on my back! It's a mean monkey and it's hassling all the tourists for money! Make him go!
HHoward
[voiceover] Willie?
Well, I hate for you to see me like this. Is my mascara running?
Okay. Okay, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna try to steer the conversation around to something that you can relate to. But this time, you have to listen. You understand?
Alright, alright. [Willie leaves the kitchen] Hey. Reformed smokers are the worst.
[goes to the kitchen to have a private conversation with ALF] What is it, ALF?
I don't know. Help me, Willie. I'm scared.
Don't be afraid, ALF. Look, you want to eat cotton. Now, why? What's the reason? Think.
Please, just one bite of your pants down by the cuff. I'm begging!
No, no, you don't want that.
For once I wish people would stop telling me what I want! How do you know what I want? I want- I wanna go outside. I wanna see someone who looks like me. I'm lonely, Willie. I want to go home!
I understand, ALF. I, I, I understand.
HHoward
[voiceover] Willie?
I, I gotta go talk to Howard.
I.. Please. I won't. I-I won't leave you. I'll be there in a minute, Howard!
I miss Saturday night aphid chews. I miss my friends. Especially Rhonda. I remember one night after harness racing she was helping me out of my bridle.
I had no idea. ALF, you always joke about Melmac. Well, it wasn't the most together planet.
But still. How'd you like to be the only member of your species?
Sometimes I feel like I am.
But you have a family, Willie. When you're, talking with little Eric talking that baby talk. You look so, so, so ridiculous. It makes me realize I'm never gonna be able to look half that ridiculous with a little one of my own.
You can be ridiculous with our family anytime you want. And you are.
Ah, just not the same. There's a bond that you have that I never will.
[at the end, ALF is having a nightmare about the family singing and dancing to "New York, New York" Ray Conniff style with tuxedos, batons, top hats and tails, he yells as he wakes up from his nightmare]
[as he runs up to ALF] ALF, were you having that dream again?
Yeah. Being clean and sobor's gonna be a lot harder than I thought. Oh. [he tries to sing "New York, New York" again but he and Lynn feel tired as the episode ends]
[goes to the attic and reads a sign ALF wrote] Nice touch.
Subtle, but it makes a point.
I can understand your feelings, ALF. I can also understand your dilemma. What I can't understand is this note.
It's in English. What don't you understand?
[reading a note that ALF wrote] "Dear Neal, take some advice from a guy who loves you like a brother. There's a camper leaving town at noon either be in it or under it. Love, Anonymous."
I love when you read to me.
You left this on the kitchen table hoping that Neal would see it and think it was from me, didn't you?
Let him draw his own conclusions. I didn't say it was from his brother. Clever, yes?
If my brother wants to visit here for a while he's welcome, ALF.
Fine. But if you were more forceful and less sympathetic to freeloaders perhaps he'd get the hint.
I'm ending this conversation now. But before I go, I'd like you to imagine what my being less sympathetic to freeloaders might mean to the fate of another member of this household.
He's right. Kate would have been history a long time ago.
[burps while having breakfast with Lynn and Brian] Yeah. You know, if you eat fast, you could eat more.
Yeah. It also adds to the ambience.
[as she sees Willie arriving at the kitchen] Good morning, dad.
Good morning, Lynn, Brian, ALF. ALF, what are you doing down here?
Finishing oatmeal with clams.
Well, go back upstairs. Neal could come in here any minute.
I don't think so. He's gone.
Gone? What do you mean gone?
Relax, I don't mean dead.
I saw his boxer shorts drive by my window.
Kate, Neal drove off in his camper early this morning.
Well, I'll just mosey on off to the television area if no one minds.
[stops ALF] Hold it. I want you to look me in the eye and tell me you didn't write him another note.
I didn't write him another note. [pause] Uh, pay no attention to my ears.
I told you this was none of your concern, didn't I? [angrily] Didn't I make it perfectly clear you were to stay out of this?
Obviously not clear enough.
What exactly did this note say, ALF?
Well, I seem to recall, and I'm paraphrasing now. Amscray, wearing out your welcome. Oh, and deadbeat. Sincerely yours, William Tanner.
Well, you got mad when I signed the first one anonymous. Is there no pleasing you?
[comes out of the kitchen while the family is having dinner] Huh. Well, here's an expression I'm not often called on to use. ALF, your dinner's getting cold.
[comes to the dining room, singing] Uncle Neal has gone away, Doo-da doo-da, I can eat out here today, All doo-day long, Everybody! Gonna eat all day-
[interrupts ALF's song] ALF, I really don't appreciate that at all.
Okay. Then you wanna hear how I changed the words to "Helter Skelter"?
I'm gonna miss him. It was fun having Uncle Neal around.
Hmm. Well, he's just down the street. You can go visit him. I know he's really lonely since Margaret left him.
Hey, he had a bad marriage. Who hasn't, right, Willie?
What's Uncle Neal's new apartment like?
Much too close to this house.
It's nice. It's small but at least he has more room than he had in the camper.
I thought the camper was neat. It had a toilet right in the shower.
So do we. Oh, what? Like you've never done it?
[goes upstairs to the attic] Hi, ALF.
Don't you believe in knocking?
Well, what if you caught me at an awkward moment?
Let's just be grateful that that hasn't happened.
So to what do I owe the pleasure of your company?
Oh, I was just, uh. I was looking around for some other things that Neal might be able to use in his new apartment. Yeah.
Well, I was planning on using them. Someday. When I got married.
If the day ever comes that you get married. I promise you, I'll buy you a whole new set of saucepans. And I'll dance on them.
It could happen. Look at Anne Bancroft and Mel Brooks. He could have anybody he wants. No, not that. You can't give him that.
Well, ALF, this is just an old fan.
It's not just any old fan. I use it to scrape my calluses.
Well, if you see anything else you like, by all means, take it.
Neal is getting his own apartment now, ALF. Hopefully things will be returning to normal here. I should think that would make you happy.
[offscreen] Willie, you up there?
I mean, yeah. Under the bed.
Okay, I will. And I won't let this degrade me at all, in case you're worried. [hides under the bed]
[arrives at the attic] Morning, Willie. I thought I heard you up here.
Yeah, yeah. I was just looking for some more stuff for your new apartment.
What, are you taking in boarders now?
Oh, that bed is Brian's old bed. You know how attached kids can get to their old furniture. Especially after they wet it.
Well, it's nice to know you've stuck to the old values. Oh, hey, I could really use this, Willie. [picks up a tape recorder as hears ALF's hiccups but Willie takes the tape recorder away from him]
The speed's all off. You don't want that.
Oh, hey, it's your old Clairmont High yearbook.
Yeah. I know. Let's look at it later.
You know, that's where I first met Margaret. Future Farmers.
Boy, that gal could really take down a steer.
Funny what first attracts you to a woman. Let's, uh. Let's go look in the garage, eh?
Willie, you gotta stop sometime. I only have a 1-bedroom apartment. [he and Willie go downstairs with a box]
[gets up from under the bed] If he wasn't the brother of my meal ticket, I'd clean his clock!
[gets out of the kitchen and meets Neal] Sorry. [Kate feels shocked] You must be Neal. I'm Gordon Shumway. Did I kill him?
Oh, my God, you're for real.
Yeah, yeah, let's get past this. I'm an alien and you're not.
Wow. This is gonna take some time to sink in.
Well, while you're in a daze, let me show you where your brother keeps his band saw.
I'm being insulted by an alien from space.
Not without dinner and a show.
I have a million questions I wanna ask you.
I'm sure. Keep them to yourself, huh? Now, enough of this small talk. Let's get down to business. I understand you're quite the cook.
Do you eat like earthlings?
Do I eat like earthlings? Willie, tell him.
He eats. He doesn't chew.
I don't know what to say. This is the most exciting thing that's ever happened to me.
Kate's right. Get a life.
Well, he may as well know. I mean, we're all family now.
[at the end, ALF and Neal are playing chess]
So in other words, what you're saying is, except for having 8 stomachs you're really not special in any way.
Oh, gee, thanks. Hey, are you gonna play, or are you gonna jabber on all night?
Well, I thought you said this pointy guy could only move diagonally.
Did I say that? Well, what I meant was it can only move diagonally, except when the move follows the taking of an odd number of the opponent's men from the board.
You sure you've never played this game before?
No, this is my first time.
Good. Let's play for money. Gin. You owe me 1500 bucks.
[Neal makes another moves one of the chess pieces as the episode ends]
[comes in the kitchen] Kate, I have some very bad news.
I found a cat outside by a fence. He's dead?
That was the bad news. Thank you for your concern.
Well honey, what happened?
Well, he must've died in his sleep. Apparently he was a lot older than the vet said he was. I wrapped him in a towel and put him in the garage.
[after Lucky died] The Luck-meister is dead! This is indeed a very dark day for anyone who knew him, or chased him. Is the crock pot still under the sink?
[the Tanners are outside the backyard having Lucky's funeral]
[praying for Lucky] Please take care of Lucky and let him be happy. Tell him we miss him. Amen.
Lynn, that was indeed beautiful. I'm reminded of a prayer he used to recite every night before bed: "And if I die before I wake, chicken fry me like a steak."
Hey, they were his words!
Life is eternal and, love is immortal and death is but a horizon. [ALF blows his nose] What we return to the Earth, we receive back...tenfold. Tragic. A tragic waste.
Wouldn't you like to say something, Bri?
Honey. It might make you feel better if you say goodbye to him.
Brian, it's okay if you don't wanna say anything, you don't have to.
There's nothing I wanna say.
Come on, Bri. Let's go inside. [she and Brian leave]
[after Kate and Brian left] Funeral poopers!
Don't you have any respect for people's feelings?
Well, excuse me. But where I'm from, this is ludicrous. It's like having a funeral for a hamburger.
Why don't you just, go inside with them.
Why? I thought I'd help you bury the little patty melt.
Not a chance. I'm gonna bury him in an undisclosed place.
Well, can I at least put something in there with him?
Oh, yeah, sure. Go ahead. Just hurry up.
This was Lucky's favorite toy. He loved the sound the little metal bell made. It wasn't exactly the deepest cat in the world. [jiggles to Lucky's toy]
I'm sure that Lucky will treasure this.
This would go well with a full-bodied Chianti.
[checks the window revealing it's Neal] What on earth? [opens the door]
[arrives at the Tanner's house wearing a toga] Hi, Willie. Hi, everyone. Hi, ALF. Happy anniversary.
Hi, Uncle Neal. Why are you dressed like a bed?
ALF said it was a toga party.
Shoot! That was the call I was supposed to make.
I'll, uh, I'll get you something to put on.
Or we could all wear sheets! [chanting] Lynn? To-ga! To-ga! To-ga!
[chanting] Fat chance! Fat chance! Fat chance!
I heard that. He's upset because Kate went to the airport to pick up her mother, and he's afraid that she's gonna spoil his party.
Oh. What brings Dorothy to town?
Oh, she and Whizzer had another fight. She flew out by herself.
Aw, that's a shame. Another marriage flapping in shallow water. That's how I felt when Margaret dumped me.
Oh great. My party's turning into a suicide watch.
