[comes out the kitchen with a tabloid] Hi.
Oh, hi, ALF. We're gonna go out to Brian's game and then out for pizza. You want us to bring you anything?
I'm too depressed to eat.
Ah, they're fooling around with the universe. Read this travesty of journalism I foundin this week's Inquisitor.
[reading tabloid] "Amazon women found on Alpha Centauri." So?
Everyone knows Alpha Centauri is just a bunch of bowling alleys and divorced guys!
Oh, ALF, when will you learn not to take anything in those tabloids seriously? And when I hide something in the bottom of the garbage. I expect it to stay there.
Alright, here. But I can't give you back the melon rinds. That ship has sailed.
[goes to the backyard and finds ALF hiding inside the box] Too bad this isn't a pine box.
Could we discuss this after you've calmed down and I've had time to make travel arrangements?
How could you do this to Willie after all the things that he's done for you?
I knew you'd finger me. Hence the box. But you're wrong, Kate. I didn't turn him in. Friends?
You saw the show, you grilled Lynn and Brian, you jumped to conclusions, and SOMEBODY DID CALL THE FBI!
Well, sure, when you group them all together like that it sounds bad. But I was only trying to keep him from running away.
Willie is not a polygamist.
Oh, sure, Kate! But just in case he's gone forever, we still have his memories. And his house. And we can find a way to keep it if you agree to work nights.
I cannot talk to you now. I am too mad!
Is that 24-hour mad or dissect-the-alien mad?
If you wake up, you'll know. [she leaves the backyard]
[while using the computer] Congratulations. Your account shows you are up by $5000. Yes! Yes! Care to make another buy? Are you kidding? Does Willard Scott wear a toupee?
[comes in the garage] ALF.
Oh, hi, Willie. You're just in time to see me launch a hostile takeover. Whatever that is! [Willie turns off the computer] Hey, I was right in the middle of my game!
This is not a game, you've tapped into my stock-market service. You're investing my money!
I'm playing with real money? What a great game!
You know, you can beat a point to death.
I'm not gonna let you put my house, my family my whole life into jeopardy! Now, tell me, just tell me. How much?
$5000. Ahead. We're players, Willie. Players! I knew you'd be happy.
But you could've lost everything, ALF. Let's just take this as an unexpected windfall and stop!
But I finally found a way to make an honest living. Now, granted, you'd be taking all the risks. But that's the beauty of it! Come on, Willie. Cut me loose. Let me fly. Let my people go.
Okay, ALF. You can continue to play the market.
Alright. Way to hang, Willie boy!
But only on paper! That means no money. A pencil, a calculator, a visor if you want. Did I mention no money?
[Willie leaves the garage]
Kate, do you know anything about this letter?
[reading a letter] "Dear Mr. Tanner, Enclosed please find confirmation numbers for stocks purchased this week."
Willie, I thought we were gonna consult each other before doing anything stupid.
Well, it's got to be a mistake.
Probably a 3 foot furry mistake.
Sometimes I think we should just sign everything over to him and slip away in the middle of the night.
[Larry comes to visit the Tanners]
Well, what's your professional opinion?
But you don't think there's any underlying psychological reason?
Well, he's a very intelligent being. I mean, he needs to be challenged.
He has the computer. I've bought him dozens of books, video tapes.
He has plenty to do. The problem is he wants to be in the middle of whatever we're doing.
It's easy to forget, you know, that he's an adult and he wants to be treated like one.
Well, you could, talk to him, tell him your feelings ask for advice, his opinion, and do it at dinner. It'll work wonders.
[while cutting the bread] And he's just gotten completely carried away with this therapy thing.
You know ALF, he gets carried away with everything he does. What motivated you to let it go this far?
Oh, stop it, Larry. I've had enough of this all week. Just fix it.
Yeah, you know what they say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.
In ALF's hands, foam rubber is a dangerous thing.
Do you think you can help?
Trust me. I'm a professional.
The last time someone said that to me, I ended up with purple hair.
Did you get my breath mints?
Oh, I'm sorry, ALF. I forgot.
Okay, but you're the one who has to live with it. [exhales]
I'll run down to the 7-Eleven.
[arrives at the kitchen while carrying Eric] Honey, did you get any more cotton swabs? The tips are missing from all of these and I can't help but feel you probably know something about this.
Is that the best you can come up with?
I've got 'em, dad. Here, ALF. At least we remembered your cotton balls.
What are you doing with all this cotton?
I've been experimenting with some new menu ideas.
You mean you're eating it?
Yeah, I also tried attic insulation but it left me feeling bloated and unattractive.
[looking at the cotton] But the cotton. Ah, the cotton! All the flavor of a fine polyester with none of the unpleasant aftertaste. [eats the cotton] Mmmm.
[ALF is siting in front of a TV that is turned off and laughing hysterically from all the cotton he ate while Willie and Kate go to the living room to check on him to see what he is doing]
Oh, yeah. Yeah, just a second, Kate. [he continues laughing]
ALF, are you aware that that television isn't on?
ALF. I wasn't watching TV.
Well, what are you laughing at, then?
Son of a gun, I don't remember. Was I laughing?
Hey! What say we get naked and do some chanting? Well, look at that. I'm halfway there! [laughs]
Say, ALF, uh, do you ever think that all this cotton you're eating could be affecting your moods?
Don't you think you should cut down?
Why? What have you got against cotton? Y'all Yankees? [laughs]
I think you should cut down, ALF! Uh, here, let me help. [ALF tries to grab the cotton box but Willie takes it away from him] ALF. ALF! Let me have this. I'll ration it out for you.
Alright, but now those Cheech and Chong movies are gonna lose some of their poignancy.
[Kate and Willie wake up as they hear ALF sing in the middle of the night]
[voiceover] New York! Hey, thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I'm announcing my retirement. Good night, and I love you. New York!
No. I was just thinking how Sinatra's voice has slipped over the years.
[while ALF is outside humming to "New York, New York", Kate and Willie wake up]
I don't suppose we were having the same dream.
I don't know. How were your seats?
[voiceover] Now just the women sing! [continues singing] Thank you! Thank you very much! It's good to be back. [continues singing until Willie, Kate, and Lynn come to stop him]
Liza! Sammy! Dino! Hey! Why don't we all tour together?
I thought I told you no more cotton.
I know what you're thinking. And you're worried about our supply. But this book here says there's this land called Alabama where cotton practically grows on trees.
ALF, it's almost 2:00 in the morning, okay?
Thanks. Last call. Here. [picks up a ripped pillow] Everybody rip off a piece and pass it around.
We're not eating any pillow.
Then how do you intend to stay awake for our drive to Alabama, huh?
Nobody's going to Alabama!
This is really gonna bum out the band.
We are all gonna go back to sleep. [angrily] You're gonna stop singing and send the band home.
Okay. But I never got treated like this at the golden nugget. [he continues singing]
[ALF ate another cotton he found on the table]
[after he saw ALF ate a cotton] I saw that. I saw you take that cotton.
That's enough of that. I saw you take that cotton with my own eyes.
[yelling] I don't have to take this! Now, I may be small, but I'm scrappy. Come on! Who wants a piece? [tired] Oh. [sings] Da da da da da, Da da da da da.
Admit it, ALF. You have a cotton problem.
We only want to help you.
Then stop trying to make me feel guilty. Now, I say we go into the living room and dance! Who's with me? [Lynn, Willie, and Kate ignore him] I know what you're thinking. He doesn't have the guts to dance alone. Ha! Well, that's where you're wrong. I'm doing it! I'm dancing alone! And there's no music! [leaves the kitchen but comes back in tired] Oh.. Just for the sake of argument suppose I do have a problem?
[the family discovers that ALF ate cotton from the lint screen in the clothes dryer]
[loudly] HALLELUJAH! THE MOTHER LODE!
Willie, he's got the lint screen.
ALF, give me the lint screen.
[loudly] Yeah? COME AND GET IT!
I think it's time we make that call.
[ALF hisses]
While you're at it, see if you can get me a stun gun.
