Willie is working on his car but bumps his head on the hood when ALF honks the horn
Horn works!
Willie{sarcastic}: Thank you.
Why don't we just kill this thing for the insurance money? We'll make it look like an accident!
S3 E13Fight Back
JOJake Ochmonek
Hey, this is the problem, the spark plugs! Jake does some work OK, Mr. Tanner, start it up!
Willie starts engine and it sputters to life
Wow! Thank you, Jake!
JOJake Ochmonek
You are welcome. Hey, I do not want to sound conspiratorial, but it looked as if the wires were cut just shy of being severed. Wonder why that is?
It means Willie was gypped!
ALF!
JOJake Ochmonek
Actually, ALF may be on to something. There have been fraud cases where mechanics fix one part of the car then sabotage another part to create unneccesary repeat business.
If Lynn starts humming the "Battle Hymn of the Republic," I'm pulling the plug on this production!
Hey, I wonder if Horrowitz is going to fight back against the man who gave him that suit!
Remember, Kate, I like my waffles crisp, yet al dente. Cooked to a golden amber, and served piping hot on a gently warmed plate. [Kate puts the waffle on his plate] How does she do it?
Do you want some maple syrup, ALF?
On waffles? How gauche. Get me the garlic salt?
Guess what? The car won't start again.
You just got it fixed.
3 times in 2 weeks. Every time they fix 1 thing, something else goes wrong.
Well, I don't get it. Why keep spending money on something that doesn't work and causes nothing but aggravation?
Somehow we've gotten used to it. [ALF burps] Sort of.
Speaking of aggravation we're out of garlic salt.
[from outside] Hey, Tanners! Guess who?
Let me take a stab. It's the wacky next door neighbor. [hides under the table]
Come on in, Trevor.
Hi, Willie. Hi, Kate. Hi, kids.
Hi Trevor.
I just stopped by to see if you needed a ride to work again.
Well, as a matter of fact, I do. My car won't start again.
You should let Jake take a look at it. Kid could fix anything, has my car running like Florence Joyner. Oh, by the way, Jake will be doing the driving this morning. I hope you don't mind.
I didn't know Jake could drive.
He can't.
I think I mind.
He just got his learner's permit. I'm teaching him. Kid's a natural. 5 days he's been driving, hasn't hit a living thing. We'll bring the car out front.
[hiding under the table] Yo, Lynn, you could use a pedicure. [Lynn kicks him from under the table] Ow!
[Willie is fixing the car in the garage and he bumps his head on the car's hood when ALF honks at the car]
Ow!
Horn works!
Thank you.
Why don't we just kill this thing for the insurance money? We'll make it look like an accident.
[sees Jake come in the garage] Oh, hello, Jake.
Hi, Mr. Tanner. Hey, ALF.
What brings you over, Jake-Speare?
Aunt Raquel and Uncle Trevor are showing slides from their trip to Carlsbad caverns. All 400 of them.
I've seen those. 216 stalactites. 184 stalagmites.
Those are the ones. Still having car trouble, huh?
Yeah, but have no fear. It's being handled by Mr. No-Goodwrench.
Mind if I take a look?
Be my guest. I got a hunch it's the distributor.
Well, that rules out the distributor!
No, here's your problem. It's the spark plug wire. I'll have it fixed in no time.
Well, thanks, Jake.
Don't be embarrassed, Willie.
Oh, I'm not embarrassed.
Not everybody can fix things.
I'm not embarrassed.
I'm sure there are several things you could do that--
I'm not embarrassed.
Ok, Mr. Tanner. Start her up when I say now. Ok, now. [car engine starts]
Now are you embarrassed?
[car engine stops]
Jake, what can I say? Thank you.
You never thank me when I humiliate you.
You know, I can't be sure, but it looks like somebody cut that wire on purpose, then just patched it together real loose. Has anybody been under the hood lately?
Don't look at me. I just honked the horn.
Well, I have been taking the car to a new mechanic lately, but I-
There's your problem. The guy's a crook.
Oh, ALF, don't jump to conclusions like that.
No, I saw it on 60 Minutes. These mechanics fix 1 thing, Then they break something else so you keep coming back.
You know, ALF could be right, Mr. Tanner. I've heard of that scam, too, on that David Horowitz Show.
Well, why don't I just give the garage a call? There must be a simple explanation for this broken wire.
Yeah, you got took. Conned. Nicked and clipped. You got your horn swoggled and your film flamed.
[on the phone] Hello, Sam, it's Willie Tanner here. Yes, it's nice to hear your voice again, too. Listen, Sam, I wonder if you noticed anything unusual about my car. Uh, engine wise, I mean. Uh, like, say, uh, severed wire.
Yo crook! This is Mike Wallace! You're under arrest! [Willie walks away]
ALF, shh!
No, I'm not accusing you, but it is possible. Not that I'm accusing you, mind, but-but you understand. That's not an accusation.
If memory serves Bob Newhart is much funnier doing his phone bit.
Well, I guess we have nothing more to say to one another. [hangs up the phone] You know, I'm beginning to think you may be right. I'm gonna call the Better Business Bureau.
Have them throw the book at this guy. Preferably something by James Michener.
S3 E14Suspicious Minds
[while reading a book] Hey, hey, did you know that if you looked really carefully you could see Elvis in one of the crowd scenes in Gandhi?
Do you believe everything you read?
Yeah, except for stuff marked unbreakable.
Where'd you get that book anyway?
I joined the legend of the month club. Next month, they're doing Steve Allen.
Sorry, I asked.
ALF, Elvis Presley died more than 10 years ago.
Oh, yeah? Then how do you explain this shocking photograph of Elvis standing in line for Pirates of the Caribbean?
We've found him. We've found Elvis.
Oh, good. I was getting tired of looking for him.
I'm serious, Willie. The king lives 2 doors down.
Oh, come on.
Well, look, Raquel said this guy's in his 50s, he has a Southern accent, and he likes to sing.
Who else could it be? Willie Nelson, Jerry Lee Lewis, Huckleberry Hound?
No, no, no. Those guys would never live next to the Ochmonek's.
I give up.
I can be logical if I have to. The man's name is Aaron King. Elvis' middle name was Aaron and he was king of Rock 'n' Roll.
I'm not convinced.
OK. How about this? Hank Aaron is baseball's home run king and Elvis loved baseball.
ALF, you are grasping at straws.
[shouts at Willie] OK. Listen to this. Aaron Burr wanted to be King of America and he was from the South, just like Elvis. [Willie runs away to the kitchen] Well, at least I got his watch.
[pops his head up] Elvis has left the building!
It was not Elvis Presley.
Are you kidding? He was on that sandwich like red beans on rice.
ALF, he didn't seem like Elvis to me either.
Elvis was a brilliant actor. He could play anything from a singing race car driver to a singing deep sea diver.
Even if this man were Elvis Presley, and I assure you he's not, he would never admit it.
I bet I can get it out of him.
[yelling] Leave the man alone! Leave him alone!
So what are you saying? Leave the man alone? [Willie and Lynn leave the garage after they ignored ALF's question] I won't rest till I prove this man is Elvis Presley. [yawns] But first, I think I'll take a nap.
[ALF goes to Aaron King's house during his dream about Elvis Presley]
Either he's Elvis or Priscilla had a heck of a lawn sale.
S3 E15Baby Love
Ok, how about Cameron if it's a boy and Amanda if it's a girl?
You know, I was thinking if it was a girl, maybe we could name her after my mother.
You want to name her The Witch of Endor? I've got the perfect name, Rin Tin Tanner.
You want to name my child after a dog?
A noble dog. A brave dog. A dog who saved lives. And if it's a girl, we'll call her spuds.
[at the nursery] So, this is where they're gonna stash the bad seed. I may throw up. Which could only help this wallpaper. [picks up a rattle and shakes it] Oh, great. The incredible expanding woman is home.
Oh, what a wonderful surprise. Oh, thank you, Raquel, Laverne.
How did you know it was our idea?
Who else could be so thoughtful? [turns around to Andrea] Oh, Andrea, you brought little Elliot.
AAndrea
Yeah. I'm afraid it's past his naptime, though. If there's somewhere I could just go lay him down.
We can christen the nursery. Come on, I'll show you where it is.
AAndrea
Great. [she and Lynn walk upstairs to the nursery]
Oh, man. Heavy trip.
[offscreen] It's right in here, Andrea.
[ALF walks to the closet and closes the door as Andrea and Lynn come in the nursery]
AAndrea
Oh, what a cute room.
Thanks.
AAndrea
Come on, sweetie. [drops Elliot in the crib] There we go.
Does he need anything?
AAndrea
Um, $35,000 for college. He'll be fine. [she and Lynn leave the nursery]
[looks at Elliot who laying down in the crib] So, you're a rugrat. Not very user-friendly, are you? Yeah. We're getting one you bundles of joy pretty soon. Yeah. Yeah. People will be making a big fuss over it. Lynn'll be saying things like, "Uchie Cuchie, Little Mimi". [sneezes] Kate will be bring it baby formula, whatever that is. Brian'll be reading to it. [sneezes] Willie will be changing its diapers, taking it to the movies. And I'll be- [sneezes] Ah, I'll be sneezing my snout straight. I think I'm allergic to this thing. [sneezes]
[as she hears ALF sneezing upstairs] I'll check on that. It was probably the cat. Or the plumbing. Or the cat in the plumbing. Excuse me. [walks away]
[holds up a bowl] Bridge mix?
[while ALF sneezes, Lynn comes in the nursery and confronts him]
Aren't you gonna say gesundheit?
What is the matter with you?
I'm allergic to babies.
ALF, that is ridiculous.
Oh, yeah? Watch. [sneezes in front of Elliot] See, allergic to babies.
[comes in] What is going on in here? ALF, we have a house full of guests.
I'm afraid I've got some bad news, Motherload. You won't be able to keep your baby.
What?
I found out I'm allergic to them. But don't worry, I'll make it up to you. [sneezes] I'll get you a goldfish. [sneezes]
We will talk about this later. Now, please, get back out to the garage. [leaves]
[sniffling] Aw, this is all your fau-, fau-, fau-. [sneezes] Hey, they really are more absorbent.
[ALF moves to Jake's room at Trevor and Raquel's house after he left the Tanners]
[goes to his room] No thanks, uncle Trevor. I'm not really hungry. I didn't know it was possible to stuff pork rinds. [he opens his closet and throw his cloth inside as ALF gets out of Jake's closet with his face covered with Jake's cloth]
Thanks.
ALF! ALF, what are you doing in here?
I've run away from garage.
What are you talking about?
Well, I can't run away from home, because I don't have a home anymore.
What happened?
I'm allergic to babies. Kate's having one, she won't let me sell it. Ergo, I go.
You can't stay here, it's too risky. Come on, I'll take you back to the Tanners. [grabs ALF but he refuses to move] You're heavier than you look.
I have big bones. So, which side of the bed do you want?
ALF, you can't live in my room. What if aunt Raquel and uncle Trevor see you?
Good point. Let's get a place at the beach.
ALF, we can't be roommates. It just wouldn't work out.
We'll get along fine. I'll be the sloppy one.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's ALF pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.